•»wr^ 


MIRTHFULNESS 


AJSTD  ITS  EXCITEES 


OR, 


1  jutbmil  I  an  (jlitcr  and  h :  [ 


xmwim. 


BY 


B.    F.    CLARK, 

Paator  of  the  Congregational  Church,  North  Chelmsford,  Mass.,  from  1839  to  186B. 


BOSTON: 
LEE     AND     SIIEPARD. 

149  Wamiiimcstoh  Hthcct. 

1870. 


Entered,  according  to  Act  of  Congress,  in  the  year  1869,  by 

B.   F.   CLARK, 

In  the  Clerk's  Office  of  the  District  Court  of  the  District  of  Massachusetts. 


Boston  : 

Stereotyped  by  C.  J.  Peters  &  Son, 

No.  5,  Washington  Street. 


C0 


THE    HIGH    AND    THE    LOW, 

THE   RICH   AND   THE   POOR, 

THE   LEARNED   AND   THE    UNLEARNED, 

Tffia  Bqqs 

IS     MOST    RESPECTFULLY 
DEDICATED. 


PREFACE. 


Three  reasons  have  influenced  me  to  prepare  ttis  book  for 
the  public. 

1  St,  A  belief  that  there  was  a  demand  for  such  a  book.  I  had 
felt  the  ilemand  myself,  and  had  heard  others  express  a  similar 
feeling.  I  had  purchased  two  books  of  anecdotes,  of  several  hun- 
dred pages  each,  in  both  of  which  I  found  but  very  few  truly 
humorous  savings.  I  incjuired  of  literary  men,  and  examined 
several  public  libraries,  in  search  of  a  book  containing  short, 
humorous,  and  witty  anecdotes  adapted  to  excite  mirthfulness, 
without  offending  the  taste  or  demoralizing  the  feelings  of  the 
chaste  and  the  pious ;  and  I  learned  that  no  such  book  had  been 
published,  but  that  suoh  ani-cdotes  could  be  found,  scattered 
through  many  volumes  and  periodicals,  and  laid  up  in  the  memo- 
ries of  individuals.  Several  gentlemen  with  wlium  I  spoke  upon 
tlie  subject  expressed  the  hojje  that  I  would  employ  my  leisiu-e 
tune  in  supplying  the  demand  described. 

2d,  Having  ix-en  unexpectedly  relieved  from  the  duties  of  pro- 
fessional lile,  and  being  required  to  do  something  for  my  support, 
I  felt  obliged  to  employ  my  pen  in  this  service;  ami,  with  this  feel- 
ing. I  cast  about  for  a  subject  on  which  to  write  a  book.  Three 
8ui))«-fts  were  suggested  to  me,  ;dl  of  wbich  seemed  altraetive,  and 
all  of  which  I  thought  would  command  public  attention,  and  secure 
a  profitable  sale,  if  skilfully  presented.  For  reasons,  I  selected 
uni>.  with  the  inteiitioUf  if  my  first  book  shall  find  a  profitable  sale, 
V)  follow  it  with  another,  if  nrit  others. 

3d,  The  Btrtjng  reason  which  iiilluenc(!d  me  to  give  attention  to 
the  preparation  tA'  Ihiii  wurk,  at  the  time  I  did,  was  thU :  Inlluejiced 
by  the  rrncl  inloleranrc  of  a  few  professed  retbrnuTS  outside  of 
mv  parish,  who  felt  imlignant  at  my  success  in  scouring  ]>ul)Iic 
favor,  in  oj)[)osition  to  their  impraetieal>le  schemes  to  ell'ect  a 
moral  reform  hi/ force,  I  ha<i  torn  my.self  away  from  a  people  with 
whom  I  had  Iwen  connected  nearly  thirty  years,  between  nearly 
all  of  whom  au'l  myself  there  existecl  ;i  very  strong  attachment. 
'llu:  violence  done  to  my  (leliiigs  by  this  rupture,  j)ro(luced  by  the 
intolerance  of  which  I  have  spoki-n,  left  me  in  a  state,  both  physi- 
cal and  ment^il,  which  demanded  my  most  bkilful  treatment.     I 


6  PREFACE. 

knew  it  would  be  suicidal  for  me,  at  the  age  of  sixty-one,  to  retire 
from  the  world  and  do  nothing.  I  was  invited  to  take  another 
charge  ;  but  I  had  resolved  never  to  be  married  to  another  people. 
In  deciding  that  I  would  devote  my  time  and  energies  to  writing 
for  the  public,  I  concluded  to  begin  with  a  work  which  I  thought 
would  interest  my  own  mind  in  a  manner  that  would  be  physically 
and  mentally  profitable.  The  preparation  of  this  book  has  given 
me  pleasant  employment ;  and  I  sincerely  hope  that  its  perusal  will 
afford  rational  entertainment  to  thousands.  My  own  mirthfulness 
has  been  pleasurably  excited  by  the  exciters  I  have  arranged  for 
others  ;  and  if  my  book  meets  with  an  extensive  sale,  the  profits 
of  which  shall  pay  for  the  plates  and  bring  me  in  a  pecuniary 
income,  I  shall  experience  more  pleasure  in  its  sale  than  I  have  in 
its  preparation.  The  funniest  thing  in  connection  with  this  funny 
work,  of  which  I  can  well  conceive,  would  be  the  sale  of  twelve 
thousand  copies  of  it  within  twelve  months  of  the  date  of  its  pub- 
lication. This  funny  result  can  be  approximated  ;  and  I  can  be 
made  to  laugh  heai'tily  and  rationally,  with  unnumbered  others  of 
my  countrymen,  if  my  numerous  friends  in  Massachusetts  and  in 
other  States  will  buy  my  book,  and  recommend  its  purchase  to 
their  associates.  It  is  a  book  for  both  sexes,  of  every  age,  who 
can  read  intelligently ;  for  all  professions  and  denominations ;  for 
secret  societies,  clubs,  and  lodges,  of  every  description,  especially 
the  reformatory  and  clerical ;  and  for  isolated  persons,  who  refuse 
all  alliance  with  others.  If  my  book  does  not  find  a  respectable 
sale,  and  its  publication  imposes  upon  me  a  debt,  instead  of  con- 
tributing to  my  support,  I  shall  be  compelled  to  look  elsewhere 
for  exciters  of  my  own  mirthfulness.  That  I  may  have  pleasant 
feelings,  and  manifest  them  in  a  smiling  countenance,  that  I  may 
enjoy  rational  laughing  with  my  readers,  I  solicit  their  aid  in 
increasing  the  sale  of  my  book.  I  do  this,  assuring  them  that  a 
large  sale  will  be  the  most  pleasant  to  me  of  all  these  pleasantries. 

B.  P.  C. 


CONTENTS. 


Essay  ox  Mirthfulness  . 
Anecdotes  Respecting  Cleugymen 
Unitarian  Clergymen     . 
Episcopal  Clergymen 
Presbyterian  Clergymen 
Clergymen  of  Other  Countries 
Methodist  Clergymen    . 
American  Baptist  Clergymen 

UxiVERSALIST    CLERGYMEN 

Different  Denominations 
About  Lawyers 
About  Doctors 
About  Literary  Men 
Humorous  Extracts 
Josh  Billings    .... 
Artemus  Ward 
Mrs.  Partington 
Sayings  of  Prentice 
Petroleum  V.  Nasby 
Irish  Wit  and  Blunders 
Isaac  T.  Hopper 
Mercantile  Anecdotes  . 
Poetical  Plkahantries  . 
Miscellaneous  Anecdotes     . 
Address 


11 

31 

59 

64 

67 

69 

77 

88 

92 

96 

111 

135 

145 

155 

160 

164 

167 

171 

173 

179 

217 

230 

235 

240 

347 


MIRTHFULNESS. 


HIRTHFULNESS. 


^Iax  was  the  last  and  best  of  the  Creator's  six-days' 
work.  Al'ter  the  worlds  were  made  and  hung  out  in  space, 
commissioned  to  move  in  their  appropriate  spheres,  their 
Maker  counselled  with  himself  respecting  the  creation  of 
his  crowning  work.  The  earth  being  formed,  and  furnished 
with  plants  and  the  lower  grades  of  animals,  the  Creator 
said,  "  Let  us  make  man  in  our  own  image,  after  our  likeness. 
So  God  created  man  in  his  own  image,  in  the  image  of  God 
created  he  him ;  male  and  female  created  he  them."  In  the 
structure  of  this  wonderful  product  of  infinite  skill,  the 
celestial  and  terrestrial  were  combined,  the  spiritual  and 
material  were  associated.  In  this  noble  creature  we  have 
an  attractive  specimen  of  God's  handiwork,  —  a  specimen 
which  declares  his  skill  infinite. 

What  study  can  be  more  interesting,  important,  and  in- 
structive than  that  of  man?  "Know  thyself"  is  a  direc- 
tion of  pre-eminent  importance,  —  a  direction  every  person 
should  obey  to  the  extent  of  his  ability.  As  has  been  in- 
timated, man  is  a  compound  being,  composed  of  a  material 
organization,  and  an  intelligent  spirit  which  animates, 
controls,  and  moves  this  organization.  The  connection 
between  the  two  is  marvellously  mysterious,  and  the  combi- 
nation makes  the  man.  In  acijuiring  an  accurate  knowletlgo 
of  this  noblest  of  God's  creatures  on  earth,  we  must  study 
his  several  parts.  We  must  consider  and  understand  him 
analytically  before  wo   can  properly  regard  ourselves  ac- 


12  MIETHFULNESS. 

quainted  with  his  complicated  whole.  The  two  grand 
divisions  of  this  important  compound,  the  material  and 
spiritual,  the  physical  and  mental,  are  easily  distinguished. 
Their  manifestations  are  wholly  unlike  :  they  have  no  prop- 
erty in  common.  The  one  is  matter ;  the  other,  spirit.  The 
one  is  inert  and  insensible :  the  other  is  active  and  intelli- 
gent. The  former  part  of  this  compound  has  been  ana- 
lyzed. It  has  been  minutely  dissected  by  the  skilful 
anatomist ;  and  by  him  each  system  has  been  described,  and 
every  part  named,  and  its  design  and  office  stated.  By  the 
aid  of  plates  and  manikins,  books  and  teachers,  and  sub- 
jects for  dissection,  the  learner  may  know  himself  phj'si- 
cally.  He  may  study  and  understand  the  framework  of 
his  body,  composed  of  its  many  parts,  with  all  its  adapted- 
ness  to  locomotion  and  varied  action.  He  may  acquire  an 
accurate  knowledge  of  the  system  of  straps  which  cover  this 
frame,  through  the  agency  of  which  its  countless  motions 
are  effected.  He  may  learn  what  is  known  of  the  nervous 
system,  and  with  astonishment  and  delight  may  contem- 
plate its  marvellous  manifestations.  By  this  study  he  may 
learn  the  medium  through  which  sensation  is  conveyed 
with  more  than  telegraphic  speed,  and  motion  is  effected. 
He  may  acquire  a  knowledge  of  the  tubes  and  accompany- 
ing apparatus  through  which  the  life's  blood  circulates,  and 
nourishes  every  part  of  the  whole  body.  He  may  study 
tlie  apparatus  for  receiving  food,  and  converting  it  into  the 
life-giving  fluid ;  and,  in  short,  may  acquire  full  and  accurate 
knowledge  of  this  wonderful  system  of  systems,  this  compli- 
cated machine  which  presents  such  clear  and  abundant 
evidence  of  the  wisdom  and  benevolence  of  the  Creator.  In 
addition  to  this  knowledge,  secured  through  the  agency  of 
extensive  and  accurate  investigations  of  anatomists,  the 
diligent  student  may  learn  much  respecting  himself  with- 
out a  teacher.  The  external  members  of  his  body  are 
clearly  seen,  a-nd  their  uses  known.     AVhen  he  has  learned 


ESSAY.  13 

what  he  can  of  his  physical,  possessing  the  power  to  name 
every  bone,  to  describe  its  form,  its  position  in  the  body, 
and  its  use ;  when  he  can  name  every  muscle,  and  is 
acquainted  with  its  position  and  action ;  when  he  has 
acquired  a  thorough  knowledge  of  his  marvellous  system  of 
nerves,  through  which  he  feels  and  produces  action  ;  when 
he  has  acquainted  himself  with  his  internal  organs,  which 
change  his  food  to  the  vital  principle,  and  bear  the  same 
with  all  its  nourishing  qualities  to  every  part  of  his  person, 
and  which  enable  him  to  breathe,  and  perform  his  other 
internal  functions ;  when  he  has  learned  the  use  of  his 
limbs  and  his  organs  of  sense,  and  understands  how  they 
operate,  —  he  has  merely  acquired  a  knowledge  of  one  of  the 
grand  divisions  of  himself  He  has  acquired  a  knowledge 
of  the  machine,  the  complicated  and  marvellously-con- 
structed machine,  and  has  made  himself  acquainted  with  its 
numerous  parts  and  with  its  wonderful  capabilities  :  but  this 
machine  is  useless  without  the  power  that  operates  it ;  and  a 
man  cannot  be  regarded  as  knowing  himself,  who  has  not 
a  knowledge  of  this  power.  This  power  constitutes  the 
second  grand  division  of  man,  —  his  mind.  Before  passing 
to  a  consideration  of  this  power,  I  will  remark,  that,  in  many 
respects,  man  has  his  superiors  among  the  lower  grades  of 
animals.  In  strength,  in  speed,  in  soaring  aloft,  and  in 
diving  into  the  depths,  many  of  the  lower  orders  of  crea- 
tures vastly  excel  him.  Beasts  of  the  forest,  monsters  of 
the  deep,  and  birds  of  the  air,  possess  power  and  speed, 
compared  witli  which  his  is  insigailicant :  and  yet  he  is  lord 
of  creation ;  he  has  a  marked  pre-eminence  among  all 
creatures  on  earth  ;  is  greater  and  mightier  in  an  important 
8en»o  than  the  king  of  beasts,  or  any  that  roam  with  him  in 
his  forest-home.  What  gives  man  liis  superiority  ?  What 
makes  him  lord  and  master  of  all  creatures  on  earth  ? 
Wliat  imparts  to  him  the  honorable  distinction  he  enjoys? 
I  an* we r,  His  mind,  —  llie  principle  that  animates,  controls, 


14  MIKTHFULNESS. 

and  directs  his  animal,  and  imparts  to  him  a  resemblance  to 
his  Creator.  It  is  his  mind  that  fills  his  face  with  intelli- 
gent expression ;  "  that  perceives,  remembers,  reasons,  loves, 
hopes,  fears,  compares,  desires,  resolves,  adores,  imagines, 
and  aspires  after  immortality,"  and  that  makes  him  superior, 
constitutes  him  lord.  Well  trained  and  richly  furnished 
with  knowledge,  the  human  mind  is  not  confined  to  time 
nor  place  in  its  mighty  workings.  It  flies  back  through 
the  past,  plays  with  the  mysteries  of  antiquity,  views  the 
works  of  other  days,  and  holds  converse  with  the  dead  who 
long  since  closed  their  connection  with  earth.  It  also 
glances  forward,  lifts  the  veil  of  futurity,  and  imagines 
what  will  be  when  the  great  principles  of  truth  shall  be 
fully  developed.  Not  satisfied  with  this  extensive  range,  it 
leaps  the  bounds  of  time,  and  gazes  on  the  abodes  of  men 
when  they  shall  have  entered  upon  the  immortal  future, 
their  endless  state  of  being.  By  a  power  of  its  own,  guided 
by  science,  or  rather  borne  on  scientific  wings,  it  leaves 
this  globe,  its  native  place,  and  dwells  among  the  stars,  the 
luminous  centres  of  other  systems,  like  our  own ;  and, 
beyond  these  vast  congregations  of  worlds,  it  gazes  upon 
other  systems  performing  their  regular  revolutions  in  the 
immensity  of  space.  Through  all  these  the  scientific  Chris- 
tian mind  looks  up  to  Him  who  made  them  and  gave  to 
tliem  their  laws,  and  with  him  holds  delightful  intercourse. 
This  is  the  power  that  works  the  human  machine,  the  ma- 
terial part  of  man,  —  a  power  which  distinguishes  him  from 
other  creatures  with  which  we  are  acquainted.  Before  at- 
tempting a  description  of  this  intelligent  power,  the  human 
mind,  I  will  direct  attention  to  its  organ,  and  the  location 
of  the  same.  The  organ  of  the  mind  is  the  brain.  Notice 
its  location.  It  is  in  the  head.  It  is  a  delicate  organ,  curi- 
ously constructed,  demanding  perfect  protection  to  secure 
its  healtliy  action. 

In  the  language  of  another,  I  say,  "  Look  at  the  brain's 


ESSAY.  15 

commanding  position  in  the  superior  and'  crowning  position 
of  the  majestic  structure  called  man.  Behold  the  match- 
less skill  of  the  divine  Architect  displayed  in  protecting 
from  external  injury  this  exquisitely-wrought  instrument, 
lirst  by  the  skull,  so  elegantly  and  w^onderfully  shaped,  and 
so  judiciously  divided  into  its  various  frontal,  lateral,  and 
occipital  portions,  and  all  these  so  ingeniously  and  so 
strongly  joined  together  by  their  respective  sutures.  And, 
in  order  still  further  to  strengthen  this  bulwark  of  the  intel- 
lect, we  find  the  skull,  again,  divided  into  its  external  and 
internal  tables,  and  these  supported  and  united  by  an  in- 
tervening spongy  substance,  which  renders  it  less  liable  to 
be  cracked  or  broken.  This  ossitic  ball  is  also  strengthened 
by  the  scalp ;  and  this,  again,  is  both  protected  and  adorned 
by  a  thick  coat  of  flowing  hair."  The  location  and  protec- 
tion of  the  brain  show  the  skill  and  care  of  the  Creator  in 
providing  a  suitable  palace  for  this  dignified  organ  of 
thought,  feeling,  and  action.  From  the  brain  proceed,  or 
in  it  terminate,  all  the  nerves  of  the  entire  body;  and,  to 
support  this  organ,  about  one-third  of  the  vital  fluid  pro- 
pelled by  the  heart  is  ordinarily  used. 

These  scientific  facts,  demonstrated  by  experiments  of 
the  learned,  show  clearly  that  the  Author  of  our  being 
designed  the  brain  for  a  noble  and  important  work.  All 
approved  philosopliers  agree  that  the  brain  is  tlie  organ  of 
tbo  mind,  and  tliat  "it  is  the  grand  centre  of  all  the  most 
dt-licate  and  intricate  machinery  of  the  human  frame;"  but 
all  do  not  agree  that  "  the  brain  is  composed  of  a  large 
number  of  organs  corresponding  to  the  several  independent 
faculties  of  the  mind,  which  are  a  congregate  of  separate 
primary  powers,"  and  that  each  faculty  operates  only 
through  its  ajtpropriate  organ.  All  this  is  asserted  by  one 
class  of  pbiloHopliers,  conlidently  as.serted,  and  as  confi- 
dently denie<l  by  others.  Some  of  the  latter  class  regard 
the   mind  a  unit,  and  itH  Rcveral    faculties  merely  dilVerent 


16  MIRTHFULNESS. 

manifestations  of  this  unit,  in  its  different  states  or  modes 
of  action.  According  to  their  theory,  the  whole  mind  per- 
ceives, compares,  loves,  hates,  &c. ;  and  the  brain  is  the 
organ  through  which  these  various  operations  are  performed. 
This  theory  makes  the  mind  a  unit,  and  the  brain  a  single 
organ.  What  are  called  the  powers  and  susceptibilities  of 
the  mind  are  its  different  states  and  manifestations.  The 
whole  mind  thinks  and  feels  and  acts.  In  opposition  to  this 
theory,  we  have  the  one  to  which  brief  reference  has  been 
made,  —  a  theory  of  the  mind,  and  its  mode  of  operations,  — 
which  is  growing  in  popular  favor.  This  system  of  mental 
philosophy  claims  to  have  been  established  by  induction. 
It  may  be  thus  comprehensively  stated  :  The  brain  is  com- 
posed of  a  number  of  distinct  organs,  the  comparative  size 
of  which  is  manifested  upon  the  outside  of  the  skull,  so 
that  a  skilful  manipulator  can  describe  the  constitutional 
character  of  a  person  by  feeling  of  his  head.  "  The  mind 
consists  of  a  plurality  of  innate  and  independent  faculties, 
a  congregate  of  separate  primary  powers  ;  "  and  each  of  these 
acts  legitimately  through  its  own  appropriate  organ.  These 
faculties  are  perfectly  distinct  from  the  organ  through 
which  they  act.  They  are  as  distinct  as  the  mental  faculty 
of  seeing  is  from  the  eye.  The  eye  is  no  more  a  part  of 
the  seeing  faculty  than  the  telescope,  by  the  aid  of  which 
heavenly  bodies  are  seen,  which  are  invisible  through  the 
unassisted  eye ;  or  than  the  concave  glass,  which  lengthens 
the  range  of  the  near-sighted  person's  vision. 

The  classification  of  this  system  is  interesting.  1st,  The 
animal  propensities  and  their  organs  occupy  the  lower  and 
posterior  portions  of  the  brain.  2d,  The  moral  sentiments 
and  their  organs  occupy  the  superior  lateral  portions  of  the 
brain.  3d,  The  intellectual  faculties  and  their  organs  occupy 
tlie  front  of  the  brain.  According  to  this  classification,  the 
intellectual  faculties  operate  through  the  front  portion  of 
the  mind's  organ,  indicating  that  these  faculties  were  de- 


ESSAY.  17 

signed  to  perceive  the  right,  and  direct  the  man  in  the 
pursuit  of  worthy  objects,  while  they  guard  him  against 
dangers. 

The  moral  and  religious  faculties  act  through  the  crown 
of  the  brain,  indicating,  that,  when  exercised  in  accordance 
with  truths  and  directions  received  through  the  intellect, 
they  will  exhibit  man  in  his  truest  dignity.  The  animal 
propensities  are  placed  where  they  should  be,  — *in  the  pos- 
terior and  lower  portion  of  the  brain ;  clearly'  indicating  that 
these  propensities  were  designed  to  be  controlled  by  the 
intellectual  and  moral  power.  The  particular  grouping  of 
certain  organs  is  interesting.  Tak^  the  following  illustra- 
tions :  Upon  the  highest  part  of  the  brain  is  the  organ  of 
veneration.  The  most  legitimate  exercise  of  this  faculty  is 
the  worship  of  the  true  God.  Immediately  behind  this  is 
firmness,  indicating  that  man  should  be  especially  decided 
in  his  reverence  for  the  object  of  his  worship,  as  the  noble 
and  fearless  Daniel  was.  On  each  side  of  these  organs  are 
arranged,  in  order,  marvellousness,  hope,  and  consciojitious- 
ness.  The  first-named  faculty  is  legitimately  employed  in 
contemplating  "  things  not  seen  and  eternal ;"  things  which 
constitute  heaven,  and  are  seen  only  by  faith.  Immediately 
behind  this  faculty  is  hope,  indicating  that  the  most  ap- 
propriate and  only  fully-satisfying  objects  the  mind  can 
rationally  hope  for  are  those  "  within  the  veil,"  where  the 
glorious  Redeemer  is.  Immediately  behind  hope  is  con- 
scifntiousness,  indicating  that  hope  should  have  a  firm 
foundation  in  moral  qualities,  in  a  good  character,  or  it  will 
prove  "  like  the  spiders  web." 

In  this  system  of  philosophy,  mirthfulness  is  regarded 
one  of  the  original  faculties  of  the  mind,  and  is  thus  de- 
fined: "It  is  that  mental  power  which  looks  at  things 
through  a  ludicrous  medium,  and  thus  forms  liumorous 
ideas  and  conceptions  ;  a  quick  and  lively  itcrccption  of  the 
ludicrous  and  absurd.''  This  faculty  is  classed  with  tho 
'i 


18  MIRTHFULNESS. 

semi-intellectual ;  and  its  organ  is  arranged  between  causal- 
ity and  ideality,  indicating  that  it  may  be  rationally  em- 
]}loyed.  Whether  man's  mind  consists  of  one  faculty,  or  a 
Xjlurality,  it  is  certain  he  is  a  laughing  animal ;  and  that 
his  laughing,  properly  exercised,  promotes  the  health  of  his 
body  and  the  rational  pleasure  of  his  mind,  without  de- 
tracting from  his  dignity  or  his  usefulness.  I  choose  to 
regard  mij;thfalness  as  a  distinct  faculty,  and  shall  so  treat 
it  in  this  essay;  but  my  readers  who  reject  the  system  I 
have  described  will  grant  the  correctness  of  my  position, 
that  man  is  a  laughing  animal.  The  infant  exercises  this 
part  of  its  nature  in  *  feeble  yet  attractive  manner;  and, 
in  passing  through  the  different  stages  of  his  minority,  his 
love  of  laughing  "  grows  with  his  growth,  and  increases 
with  his  strength." 

Children  and  young  people  are  liable  to  exercise  their 
mirthfulness  extravagantly ;  while,  as  they  encounter  the 
stern  realities  of  life  in  riper  years,  they  are  liable  to  neg- 
lect this  exercise,  and  thereby  exchange  their  youthful 
cheerfulness  for  the  repelling  moroseness  of  age.  Doubt- 
less some  persons  laugh  too  easily  and  too  much ;  but  the 
abuse  of  a  faculty  is  no  argument  against  its  proper  use. 
That  the  faculty  of  mirthfulness  is  a  part  of  man's  nature 
cannot  be  denied,  whether  it  is  a  distinct  faculty  of  his 
mind  or  not.  He  laughs,  and  enjoys  laughing;  and  he 
possesses  certain  muscles  which  would  never  be  used  if  he 
did  not  laugh.  But  we  are  told  by  some  persons  that  it 
is  undignified,  unchristian,  and  wrong  to  laugh ;  and,  in 
proof  of  this  proposition,  it  is  said  that  it  is  a  solemn  thing 
to  live  under  the  responsibilities  of  an  intelligent,  free, 
moral  agent,  who  is  accountable  to  the  moral  Governor  of 
the  universe  for  his  conduct.  It  is  also  said,  that,  in  the 
liistory  of  Jesus,  we  have  no  account  of  his  laughing.  We 
know  only  a  small  part  of  what  Jesus  did  while  uj^on 
earth ;  and  it  is  safe  to  conclude,  that,  if  he  had  regarded  it 


ESSAY.  19 

a  sin  to  laugh,  he  would  have  stated  the  fact  in  his  teach- 
ing's. I  readily  assent  to  the  proposition,  that  it  is  a  sol- 
emn thing  to  live  in  the  midst  of  such  responsibilities  as 
are  imposed  upon  us  citizens  of  earth  ;  but  I  deny  that 
Christianity  forbids  the  cultivation  and  exercise  of  mirth- 
fulness  :  while  I  claim  that  it  is  hath  a  j^rivilef/e  and  a  duty 
to  laugh  ;  and  they  who  fail  to  improve  this  pHvilege,  and 
perform  this  dutij,  whether  they  are  influenced  by  consti- 
tutional characteristics  or  by  paHial  vieivs  of  religion,  will 
not  escape  the  penalties  of  their  folly. 

I  have  known  a  few  persons,  and  have  heard  of  others, 
who  refused  to  exercise  their  mirthfuluess,  and  suffered  for 
the  refusal.  Two  of  this  class  were  associated  with  me  as 
classmates  in  the  theological  seminary.  The  subsequent 
history  of  one  of  these  is  unknown  to  me  ;  but  the  other 
died  soon  after  he  entered  the  ministry.  In  a  conversation 
with  Henry  Ward  Beecher  (who  was  also  my  classmate) 
several  years  ago,  I  said  to  him,  "You  doubtless  remember, 
brother  Henry,  how  you  used  to  vex  the  righteous  soul  of 
brother  Casswell,  the  sombre  member  of  our  class,  by  the 
indulgence  of  your  mirthfuluess?" 

"  Yes,  yes ! "  he  replied  ;  "  and  Casswell  is  dead,  and  I 
am  alive :  and  that  is  just  the  difference  between  our  theo- 
ries." 

An  aged  clergyman  informed  me,  that,  when  in  the  semi- 
nary. He  had  a  chissmate  wliu  adopted  the  notion,  that  it  was 
wrong  to  laugh ;  and  his  conduct  occasioned  more  laughing 
than  that  of  all  the  other  students.  His  unnatural  course 
unfitted  him  for  social  intercourse,  and  carried  him  to  the 
grave,  after  a  brief  ministry  of  six  months. 

A  sombre  clergyman,  who  by  his  rem;irk;il)ly  quiet  hab- 
its, wlifch   kept  him   free   from  excitenu-nt,  lived  to  Ix'  old, 
was  one  day  talking  with   me  and  my  couqtanioii   in  our 
house    against    the    "  Becchers "  in   general,   and   "  Henry 
Ward"  in  particular.     The  latter,  he  said,  had  delivered  a 


20  MIKTHFULNESS. 

lecture  on  mirthfulness,  and  thereby  had  disgraced  the 
ministerial  office.  Waxing  warm  with  his  subject,  he 
said,  — 

"  Think  of  Paul  lecturing  on  mirthfulness  !  Paul  was  a 
weeper,  but  no  laugher.  The  Bible  speaks  of  tveeping,  but 
not  of  laughing.'^ 

As  he  paused  a  moment,  I  quietly  remarked,  "  I  think 
the  Bible  states  that  good  old  Sarah  laughed  on  a  particu- 
lar occasion."  This  remark  struck  the  old  gentleman's  un- 
guarded risibles,  and  he  burst  forth  in  a  hearty  laugh,  which 
convulsed  his  whole  system,  and  greatly  amused  us  who 
witnessed  the  scene.  While  "there  is  a  time  to  laugh," 
there  are  times  when  laughing  is  untimely  and  wrong. 
Heason,  the  constituted  governor  of  the  human  mind, 
should  control  this  subordinate  faculty,  and  appoint  its 
seasons  for  action,  and  direct  the  same.  The  benefits  con- 
ferred by  the  rational  exercise  of  mirthfulness  are  various 
aiid  important.  The  possessor  of  a  merry  heart  hath  a 
continual  feast,  and  he  sheds  rays  of  cheerfulness  all  around 
him.  He  is  a  pleasant  companion.  His  smiles,  liberally 
bestowed  on  his  associates,  excite  in  them  pleasurable  feel- 
ings, which  find  expression  in  the  countenance.  Mirthful- 
ness, -gently  excited,  produces  cheerfulness,  and  adds  to  the 
attractiveness  of  the  person  in  whom  this  faculty  is  thus 
exercised.  Mirthfulness,  suddenly  and  strongly  excited, 
causes  the  hearty  laugh  which  agitates  the  whole  body. 
The  woman  whose  face  is  ordinarily  wreathed  with  smiles 
is  happy,  and  a  happiness-maker.  If  a  wife,  "she  does  her 
husband  good,  and  not  evil,  all  the  days  of  her  life."  She 
is  the  light  and  the  joy  of  his  dwelling,  the  light  and  the 
joy  of  his  heart.  Either  a  gentle  or  a  hearty  laugh  does 
good,  and  only  good,  if  produced  by  unobjectionable  agen- 
cies, and  not  indulged  too  often.  Such  exercise  aids  diges- 
tion, promotes  a  healthy  circulation  in  all  persons,  and  con- 
fers special  benefits  upon  all  classes.     It  cheers  and  re- 


ESSAY.  21 

freshes  the  manual  laborer,  rests  the  wearied  brain,  and 
sharpens  the  intellect  of  the  scholar,  and,  in  addition  to 
the  momentary  pleasure  it  aifords,  strengthens  all  who  in- 
dulge in  it  for  the  better  accomplishment  of  the  severer 
tasks  of  life.  The  physical  and  mental  health  of  the  stu- 
dent would  be  promoted,  and  his  work  facilitated,  by  a  daily 
laugh  that  .would  cause  the- shaking  of  his  sides  and  all  the 
parts  attached  to  them. 

While  mirthfulness  is  part  of  our  nature,  was  designed 
to  be  exercised,  and  may  be  profitably  by  all  classes,  its  ex- 
ercise is  peculiarly  profitable  to  persons  heavily  taxed  with 
responsible  cares  and  wearing  labor.  Wives  and  mothers, 
business-men  and  legislators,  and  all  engaged  in  the  learned 
professions,  belong  to  this  class. 

The  lamented  Lincoln  would  have  been  crushed  by  the 
weighty  and  distracting  cares  and  responsibilities  imposed 
upon  him,  if  he  had  not  possessed  the  power  of  exciting  the 
mirthful  in  himself  and  associates  by  his  apt  stories  and  his 
ready  wit.  Dr.  Lyman  Beecher  once  said,  in  my  hearing, 
when  he  was  pastor  of  a  church  in  Cincinnati,  teacher  of 
theology  in  Lane  Seminary,  and  writing  for  the  press,  that, 
but  for  his  .systematic  seasons  of  umviiidiug,  he  would  have 
broken  down  long  before  that  time.  He  laughed  from 
principle ;  and  yet  I  never  saw  a  person  appear  to  enjoy  the 
exercise  more  than  he  did. 

Statesmen  need  recreation  ;  in  securing  which,  the  faculty 
under  consideration  should  be  largely  employed.  The  saiiie 
net'd  is  felt  by  lawyers,  physicians,  and  clergymen.  The 
work  of  lawyers  imposes  a  severe  tax  upon  their  powers  of 
endurance,  and  creates  a  demand  for  rest,  accompauii'd 
with4he  hearty  laugli.  The  work  of  the  physician  deprives 
liim  of  regular  sleep,  subjects  him  to  intense  anxiety,  and 
strongly  excites  his  sympathies  for  the  sick  and  the  othcr- 
wiise  afflicted.  His  professional  visits  are  made  to  families, 
at  liines,  when  they  are  disinclined  to  bo  mirtljfiil.      Sunl}' 


22  MIRTHFULNESS. 

his  class  need  the  exhilarating  laugh  to  keep  thera  from 
despondings,  and  a  book  of  choice  anecdotes  is  happily 
adapted  to  excite  what  will  supply  their  need.  The  work 
of  the  clergy  is  a  solemn  and  responsible  work.  In  con- 
templating it,  an  inspired  apostle  exclaimed,  "  Who  is  suffi- 
cient for  these  things  ?  "  The  man  who  undertakes  to  do 
them  "should  be  blameless,  vigilant,  sober,  of  good  beha- 
vior, and  apt  to  teach."  He  is  -required  "to  watch  for 
souls,  as  one  who  must  give  an  account  of  his  stewardship." 
Can  any  man  perform  this  work  efficiently,  without  early 
running  down,  who  does  not  have  "his  seasons  of  unwind- 
ing," in  which  he  brings  into  exercise,  pleasurable  exercise, 
the  faculty  we  are  considering  ?  Clergymen  especially  need 
an  exciter  of  mirthfulness  near  at  hand,  to  which  they  can 
resort  for  momentary  relief ;  and  what  is  there  so  cheap  and 
convenient,  and  so  eifective,  as  a  book  of  well-selected  and 
well-arranged  humorous  sayings,  such  as  the  one  of  which 
this  essay  forms  a  part  ? 

Having  shown  that  mirthfulness  is  an  important  part  of 
man,  a  part  wisely  designed  to  promote  his  happiness  and 
usefulness,  I  will  proceed  to  state  how  it  may  be  excited. 
Mirthfulness  may  be  excited  by  the  presentation  of  a  ridicu- 
lous scene  to  the  eye,  by  an  exhibition  of  wit,  or  the  repeti- 
tion of  a  well-timed  anecdote.  A  few  illustrations  will  close 
this  essay.  To  see  a  very  fat  man  running  toward  the 
depot  with  puffing  exertions,  and  making  almost  imper- 
ceptible progress,  while  the  cars  are  approaching,  is  very 
laughable,  while  it  is  other  than  sport  to  him.  A  few  years 
since,  a  very  corpulent  woman  undertook  to  enter  an  omni- 
bus on  one  of  the  streets  in  Boston,  the  door  of  which  would 
not  allow  her  ingress.  The  sight  of  this  failure  drew 'forth 
a  hearty  laugh  from  the  passers-by,  —  a  laugh  which  should 
have  been  suppressed  by  a  regard  for  the  feelings  of  the 
unfortunate  female.  About  the  same  time,  Wendell  Phil- 
lips, in  contrasting  the  politeness  of  the  French  with  that 


ESSAY.  23 

of  the  American  people,  related  the  following:  In  a  well- 
filled  theatre  in  Paris,  he  saw  a  big  woman  enter  one  of  the 
boxes  with  the  aid  of  one  man  pulling  in  front,  and  two 
shoving  after  ;  and  yet  there  was  no  laughing  at  her  calam- 
ity. Ridiculous  scenes  are  sometimes  presented  to  the  eye 
in  pictures.  Caricatures  of  politicians  belong  to  this  class. 
I  remember  seeing  a  picture  in  a  comic  almanac  which 
greatly  amused  me.  A  poor  washing-woman  endeavored 
to  make  her  ten  small  children  useful  by  employing  them 
as  clothes-pins.  These  little  creatures  were  represented 
sitting  on  the  line,  fastening  the  clothes  with  their  feet.  A 
celebrated  clergyman  of  the  last  century  is  reported  to  haA'e 
said  in  a  sermon,  "If  I  should  see  Satan  running  away 
with  several  of  my  parishioners  on  his  shoulders,  I  could 
not  conscientiously  cry.  Stop  thief ! '^  A  drunken  man  was 
aroused  from  his  sleep  by  the  roadside,  and  asked,  — 

"  Who  are  you  ?  " 

He  replied,  "  My  name  is  Cane." 

"Are  you  that  Cain  who  slew  his  brother?" 

"  No :  I  am  the  Cane  who  got  slewed  !  " 

A  distinguished  lawyer  was  engaged  in  arguing  a  case 
when  he  was  intoxicated.  In  his  objections  to  the  ruling 
of  the  judge,  he  was  reprimanded  for  the  use  of  disrespect- 
ful language,  and  reminded  that  he  was  in  the  temple  of 
justice. 

"In  the  temple  of  justice!"  he  replied  with  a  curled 
lip  and  a  contemptuous  tone,  and  was  proceeding  in  the  use 
of  disrespectful  language,  when  the  court  interrupted  him 
by  saying,  — 

"  iSit  down,  Mr.  Brown  ;  sit  down  :  you  are  drunk  !  " 

"Right,  your  honor;  right:  and  it  is  the  only  correct 
decision  you  have  made  this  term." 

The  mirthful  effect  of  a  story  is  greatly  increased  by  its 
being  Hkilfully  told,  and  skilfully  a<lapted  to  the  illustra- 
tion of  ti  point  in  an  argument  or  iu  a  conversation.     John 


24  MIRTHFULNESS. 

B.  Qough  tells  the  following  story  in  one  of  his  oft-repeated 
lectures,  with  tremendous  effect :  — 

A  Yankee,  walking  the  streets  of  London,  looked  through 
a  window  upon  a  group  of  men  writing  very  rapidly ;  and 
one  of  them  said  to  him,  in  an  insulting  manner,  "  Do  you 
wish  to  buy  some  gape-seed  ?  "  Passing  on  a  short  distance, 
the  Yankee  met  a  man,  and  asked  him  what  the  business 
of  those  men  was  in  the  ofl&ce  he  had  just  passed.  He  was 
told  that  they  wrote  letters  dictated  by  others,  and  trans- 
cribed all  kinds  of  documents ;  in  short,  they  were  writers. 
The  Yankee  returned  to  the  office,  and  inquired  if  one  of 
the  men  would  write  a  letter  for  him,  and  was  answered  in 
the  affirmative.  He  asked  the  price,  and  was  told  one  dol- 
lar. After  considerable  talk,  the  bargain  was  made  ;  one  of 
the  conditions  of  which  was,  that  the  scribe  should  write 
just  what  the  Yankee  told  him  to,  or  he  should  receive  no 
pay.  The  scribe  told  the  Yankee  he  was  ready  to  begin } 
and  the  latter  said,  — 

"Dear  marm;"  and  then  asked,  "Have  you  got  that 
deoun  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  was  the  reply :  "  go  on." 

"  I  went  to  take  a  ride  t'other  day :  have  you  got  that 
deoun  ?  " 

"  Yes  :  go  on,  go  on." 

"And  I  harnessed  the  old  mare  into  the  wagon:  have 
you  got  that  deoun  ?  " 

"  Yes,  yes  ;  long  ago  :  go  on." 

"  Why,  how  fast  you  write  !  And  I  got  into  the  wagon, 
and  sat  deoun,  and  drew  up  the  reins,  and  took  the  whip  in 
my  right  hand :  have  you  got  all  that  deoun  ?  " 

"Yes  ;  long  ago:  go  on." 

"  Dear  me,  how  fast  you  write  !  I  never  saw  your  equal. 
And  I  said  to  the  old  mare,  '  Go  Hong,^  and  yerked  the  reins 
pretty  hard.     Have  you  got  that  deoun  ?  " 

"  Yes  ;  and  I  am  impatiently  waiting  for  more.     I  wish 


ESSAY.  2 


'ZO 


you  wouldn't   bother  me   so  with   your  foolish   questions. 
Go  on  with  your  letter." 

"  Well,  the  old  mare  wouldn't  stir  out  of  her  tracks ;  and 
I  hollered,  *  Go  ^lo7ig,  rjou  old  jade!  go  ^long.'  Have  you  got 
that  deoun  ?  " 

"Yes,  indeed,  you pestersome fellow :  go  on." 

"And  I  licked  her,  and  I  licked  her,  and  I  licked  her;" 
and  he  continued  to  repeat  these  words  as  rapidly  as  he 
could  speak  them,  until  he  was  stopped  by  the  scribe,  who 
told  him  he  had  written  two  pages  of  "  licked  her,"  and  he 
wanted  the  rest  of  the  letter. 

"  Well,"  said  'the  Yankee,  "  and  she  kicked,  and  she 
kicked,  and  she  kicked ;  "  and  he  continued  to  repeat  these 
words  as  rapidly  as  he  could  speak  them,  until  he  was 
again  stopped  by  the  scribe,  who  to4d  him  he  had  several 
pages  of  "i/ie  kicked"  and  entreated  him  to  proceed  with 
his  letter.  The  Yankee  then  employed  his  tongue  in  mak- 
ing the  clucking  noise  by  which  horses  are  urged  to  move, 
and  continued  its  rapid  repetition  for  some  time ;  when, 
seeing  the  scribe  throw  aside  his  pen,  he  said  to  him,  "  Write 
it  deoun,  write  it  deoun." 

The  scribe  replied,  ^'  I  canH." 

"  Well,  then,"  said  the  Yankee,  "  I  won't  pay  you." 

The  scribe,  gathering  up  his  papers,  said,  "  What  shall  I 
do  with  all  these  sheets  upon  which  I  have  written  your 
nonsense  ?  " 

The  Yankee  replied,  "  You  may  use  them  in  doing  up 
your  gape-seed,"  and  bid  the  scribe  and  his  companions 
good-by. 

This  is  said  to  be  one  of  Mr.  Gough's  most  eflbctivo  stories. 
The  chief  part  of  the  eft'ect  results  from  his  matchless,  dra- 
matic manner  of  telling  it.  I  will  give  two  illustrations  of 
increasing  the  humorous  effect  of  a  story  by  its  iwlapted- 
ne.ss  to  sharpen  a  point. 

The  professed  prohibitory  members  of  the  Massachusetts 


26  MI|lTHFtrLNESS. 

Legislature,  in  1869,  were  about  equally  divided ;  one  por- 
tion being  called  tbe  "  strict,^'  and,  the  other  "  the  relaxers.^' 
In  discussing  the  "  liquor  bill "  in  the  Senate,  these  two 
parties  opposed  each  other  with  great  severity.  An 
advocate  of  a  judicious  license  system,  having  listened  to 
the  sharp,  spirited  discussion,  remarked  to  persons  who 
asked  him  how  he  had  been  entertained,  that  the  conflict 
j-eminded  him  of  a  story  of  the  E-evolution.  A  Yankee 
privateersman,  late  one  afternoon,  saw  a  British  man-of-war 
approaching  him  in  the  distance.  He  put  on  full  sail,  with 
the  hope  of  escaping  liis  foe  by  the  aid  of  night.  He  soon 
discovered  that  he  was  sailing  towards  another  British  craft. 
When  it  began  to  be  dark,  the  two  British  ships  raised 
their  lights  ;  and  the  Yankee  raised  one  resembling  theirs, 
which  he  extinguished  as  soon  as  his  two  foes  were  suffi- 
ciently near  each  other  to  see  their  respective  lights ;  and 
he  took  a  position  outside  of  the  line,  at  a  safe  distance,  and 
there  witnessed  the  coming-together  of  the  two  British  ships, 
each  supposing  that  the  other  was  her  victim.  For  a  time, 
the  Yankee  witnessed  the  conflict  between  the  two  ships, 
each  pouring  broadsides  into  the  other;  and  he  said  he 
enjoyed  the  sight,  and  bade  the  contending  parties  good- 
night, wishing  both  perfect  success.  The  telling  of  this 
story  produced  a  hearty  laugh,  because  of  its  appropriate- 
ness. 

The  same  man  who  told  this  story  was  approached 
by  two  prohibitory  members  of  the  same  legislature,  who 
acknowledged  to  him  that  they  found  it  very  difficult  to 
frame  a  law  upon  the  subject  of  liquor-selling.  They  said, 
the  more  the  subject  was  discussed,  the  greater  the  difficul- 
ties appeared.  He  told  them  that  they  reminded  him  of  an 
old  deacon,  who  could  talk  so  well  in  the  conference-room, 
that  he  thought  he  could  preach  ;  and  made  an  attempt  to 
exercise  his  gift  one  day  with  the  consent  of  the  congre- 


ESSAY.  27 

gation  with  which  he  worshipped.  He  took  the  pulpit, 
iiiimed  his  t^xt,  and  proceeded  a  few  minutes,  when  he 
broke  down ;  and,  looking  around  upon  his  hearers,  he  said, 
"  Brethren,  if  any  of  you  think  it  is  an  easy  matter  to 
preach,  just  come  up  here  and  try  it." 

These  two  illustrations  aid  in  showing  the  value  of  such 
a  book  as  I  now  present  to  the  public.  It  will  furnish  its 
rea<lers  with  exciters  of  the  mirthful  in  themselves,  and  the 
means  of  sharpening  the  points  of  their  discourse,  and  of 
exciting  the  mirthful  in  others.  With  great  propriety, 
my  book  can  be  made  to  adopt  the  language  of  a  cele- 
brated patent  medicine :  "  Bwj  vie,  and  I  will  do  you 
good" 

Believing  there  is  a  demand  for  this  work  to  fill  an  unoc- 
cupied place  in  unnumbered  families,  as  well  as  in  the  stud- 
ies and  offices  of  professional  men,  I  have  prepared  it  with 
the  hofje  that  it  will  promote  the  health  and  happiness  of 
those  who  may  welcome  it  to  their  homes,  and  use  it  as  a 
means  of  removing  depression,  lightening  the  cares  of  life, 
and  of  imparting  rational  enjoyment.  In  presenting  the 
exciters  of  mirthfulness  which  I  have  collected  from  my  own 
memory,  from  periodicals  and  books,  I  shall  classify  them, 
ad  well  as  I  can,  for  the  benefit  of  the  reader. 

The  first  class  will  have  reference  to  clergymen.  Many 
of  these  have  been  favored  with  rich  veins  of  wit  and  humor, 
whiith  have  contributed  largely  to  their  own  and  the  enjoy- 
ment of  their  associates.  Some  have  been  restrained  in 
exercising  their  mirthfulness  by  the  mistaken  notion  that 
«uch  exercise  was  inconsistent  with  professional  propriety, 
Hud  even  wrong.  Some,  of  whom  the  celebrated  Dr.  Clark, 
the  Methodist  commentator,  was  a  representative,  have  in- 
dulged in  plays  and  plea-santries  only  when  excluded  from 
the  public.  Dr.  Clark,  while  thus  indulging  with  some  of 
his  associates,  said  to  them,   "  We  nmst  stop  our  sport,  for 


28  MIRTHFULNESS. 

here  comes  a  fool;  "  referring  to  a  person  approaching  them, 
who  disapproved  of  all  pleasantries  in  clergymen.  The  work 
of  this  class  is  a  sober  work ;  but  it  does  not  conflict  with 
the  proprieties  of.  life,  and  is  not  inconsistent  with  true 
manliness,  which  demands,  the  symmetrical  development  and 
harmonious  action  of  all  the  faculties. 


MECDOTES  RESPECMG  CLERGYMEN. 


AMCDOTES  RESPECTING  CLERGYMEK 


John  Hancock,  a  graduate  of  Harvard  College,  was 
the  minister  of  Lexington,  Mass.,  from  1G97  to  1752. 
The  following  story  illustrates  his  self-reliance  and  inde- 
pendence. In  the  latter  part  of  his  ministry,  while  he  was 
quite  aged,  but  still  hale  and  vigorous,  and  not  a  little  dis- 
posed to  use  his  authority,  the  two  deacons,  and  perhaps 
others  in  the  church,  thought  it  necessary  to  put  some 
check  upon  the  good  old  man.  So,  on  a  set  time,  the  dea- 
cons went  to  bis  bouse  to  propose  that  they  should  have 
ruling  elders  in  the  church.  It  was  thought  to  be  a  diffi- 
cult matter  to  propose  the  business  to  so  lofty  a  man  :  so 
the  ablest  of  the  deacons  undertook  it  after  the  following 
fu.sbion  :  — 

*'  We  think,  sir,"  said  he,  "  that,  on  account  of  your  great 
age,  you  ought  to  have  some  assistance  from  the  church  in 
your  numerous  arduous  labors." 

"  Ah  !  "  says  Mr.  Hancock,  who  knew  what  was  coming, 
"I  know  I  am  old,  and  I  suppose  I  am  feeble  too.  I  thank 
the  church  for  their  kindness ;  but  how  do  they  propose  to 
help  me  ?  " 

'*  Oh  ! "  said  tlio  d.-acons,  "they  thought  they  would 
api>oint  two  ruling  eldi-n*  to  divide  the  care  of  the  church 
with  you;  but  they  did  not  wish  to  do  so  without  ^uur 
consent." 


81 


32  MIRTHFULNESS. 

"Well,  I  should  like  it,"  said  he.  "  Perhaps  they  would 
choose  you  to  the  office "  (the  deacons  concurred  in  'that 
opinion)  :  "  they  couldn't  do  better  ;  you  might  be  of  great 
help  to  me.  But  what  do  you  think  is  the  business  of 
ruling  elders  ?  "  said  he. 

"  Oh  ! "  said  the  aspirants  to  the  office,  thinking  the  diffi- 
culty all  over,  "  we  will  leave  that  to  you :  you  are  a  learned 
man,  and  have  studied  the  history  of  the  Church." 

"  Yes,"  said  he,  "  I  have  studied  ecclesiastical  history  a 
good  deal,  and  paid  particular  attention  to  church  discipline 
and  government ;  and  I  think  I  know  what  ruling  elders 
ought  to  do." 

"  We  leave  it  wholly  to  you  to  say  what  part  of  your 
labors  they  shall  attend  to,"  remarked  the  deacons. 

"  Well,  then,"  said  the  bishop,  "  I  should  like  to  have  one 
of  them  come  to  my  house  before  meetings  on  Sunday,  and 
get  my  horse  out  of  the  barn,  saddle  and  lead  him  to  the 
door,  and  hold  the  stirrup  while  I  get  on :  the  other  may 
wait  at  the  church-door,  and  hold  him  while  I  get  off  j  then, 
after  meeting,  he  may  lead  him  up  to  the  horse-block.  This 
is  all  of  my  work  I  ever  can  consent  to  let  ruling  elders  do 
for  me." 

The  office  was  not  filled. 

The  following  shows  that  Mr.  Hancock  could  be  facetious 
as  well  as  episcopal :  — 

He  once  visited  a  wealthy  farmer,  one  of  his  best  friends, 
who  was  in  the  habit  of  making  him  presents  from  time  to 
time.  It  was  in  the  forenoon ;  and  the  farmer's  wife  —  the 
husband  being  in  the  hay- field  —  got  him  for  luncheon 
some  brown-bread  and  cider,  and  set  before  him  a  w^ole 
cheese,  from  which  he  might  cut  for  himself  He  put  his 
knife  on  the  cheese,  first  this  way  and  then  that,  as  if  in 
doubt  where  to  begin. 

"  Where  shall  I  cut  this  cheese,  Mrs.  Smith  ? "  asked 
he.    ■ 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING  CLERGYMEN,  33 

"Cut  it  where  you  have  a  mind  to,  'Mi.  Hancock,"  was 
the  answer. 

"  Then,"  said  he,  "  I  think  I  will  cut  it  at  home :  "  so 
slices  of  cheese  were  brought  for  the  lunch,  and  the  whole 
cheese  was  put  in  the  minister's  saddle-bags. 

Rev.  Samuel  Moody,  minister  at  York,  Me.,  from 
1G98  to  1747. 

Father  Moody,  as  he  was  called,  was  a  very  eccentric 
man.  When  Cape  Breton  was  taken  the  first  time,  Father 
bloody  served  as  chaplain.  After  the  capture  was  effected, 
the  officers  of  the  navy  and  land-forces  dined  together. 
Knowing  the  chaplain's  partiality  for  long  religious  ser- 
vices, some  of  his  friends  manifested  an  anxiety  that  he 
might  occupy  so  much  time  in  returning  thanks,  that  the 
food  would  become  cold  before  they  could  commence  eating 
it.  When  called  upon  to  perform  this  service.  Father 
Moody  approached  the  table,  lifting  up  both  hands,  and 
saying,  "  0  Lord  !  we  have  so  much  to  bless  thee  for,  we 
must  refer  it  to  eternity ;  for  time  is  too  short :  so  bless  our 
food  and  fellowship  for  Christ's  sake." 

On  a  journey.  Father  Moody  s:pent  a  sabbath  with  a 
clergyman  for  whom  he  preached.  The  clergyman  told  him 
that  a  portion  of  his  audience  were  accustomed  to  go  out 
Wfore  meeting  was  done ;  and  he  had  tried  in  vain  to 
change  the  custom.  Father  "Moody  .said  that  thing  would 
not  disturb  him  at  all.  After  naming  liis  text,  the  preacher 
looked  round,  and  said,  "  My  friends,  I  am  going  to  preach 
to  two  sorts  of  folks  to-day,  —  saints  and  sinners.  Sinners, 
I  am  going  to  give  you  your  portion  first;  and  I  would 
have  you  give  gfx^d  attention."  After  preaching  to  them  a 
long  time,  lie  paused,  and  said,  "  There,  sinners,  I  huvo 
done  with  you  now.  You  may  take  your  hats,  and  go  out 
of  the  meeting-house  as  soon  as  you  please."  Instead  of 
availjnj;  thumselvt'S  of  this  permission,  tho  wholfi  class  of 

8 


34  MIRTHFtTLNESS. 

sinners  present  concluded  to  remain,  and   hear  what    the 
preacher  had  to  say  to  the  saints. 

Among  Mr.  Moodj-'s  stated  hearers  was  a  young  man, 
who,  when  he  had  a  new  coat  or  a  pair  of  squeaking  shoes, 
was  accustomed  to  come  into  meeting  late,  for  the  manifest 
purpose  of  attracting  attention.  After  having  frequently 
annoyed  Mr.  Moody  in  this  way,  he  walked  the  whole 
length  of  the  hroad  aisle  one  sabbath  morning  in  the  time 
of  prayer.  The  moment  he  stopped  in  his  seat.  Father 
Moody,  with  an  elevated  voice,  exclaimed,  "0  Lord!  we 
pray  thee,  cure  Ned  Ingraham  of  his  ungodly  strut." 

In  Mr.  Moody's  day,  the  question  was  warmly  discussed 
by  theologians,  "Who  was  Melchisedec  ? "  Mr.  Moody 
proposed  to  preach  a  sermon  in  Cambridge,  in  which  he 
would  answer  this  question.  Public  notice  was  given ;  and 
the  preacher  had  a  large  audience,  including  the  faculty  of 
the  college  and  many  of  the  students.  At  the  close  of  a 
very  long  sermon,  containing  no  allusion  to  the  mysterious 
high  priest,  the  preacher  said,  "  I  promised  to  inform  my 
audience  who  Melchisedec  was.  Melchisedec,  my  hearers, 
was  the  King  of  Salem."  Having  made  this  statement,  he 
closed  the  services  with  prayer  and  benediction. 

Eev.  Peter  Clark,  the  grandfather  of  the  compiler's 
grandfather,  was  the  minister  of  Danvers,  Mass.,  from  1717 
to  1768.  Mr.  Clark  was  di^inguished  for  learning  and 
ability  as  a  preacher.  A  colored  servant  usually  attended 
him  when  at  home  and  abroad.  In  time  of  an  extended 
and  severe  drought,  several  of  the  neighboring  churches 
met  in  conference  to  fast  and  pray  over  their  calamity.  Mr. 
Clark  preached  a  very  solemn  and  earnest  discourse,  during 
the  delivery  of  which,  a  copious  shower,  accompanied  with 
thunder  and  lightning,  fell  upon  the  parched  earth.  At 
the  close  of  the  services,  the  negro  servant  remarked,  "  I 
knew  something  would  have  to  corao  when  Massa  Clark 


ANECDOTES   llESPECTING   CLERGYMEN,  35 

took  hold.     I  believe,  if  de  rain  hadn't  come,  Massa  Clark 
would  have  torn  de  pulpit  all  to  pieces." 

Rev.  IklATHER  Byles,  D.D.,  was  pastor  of  Hollis-street 
Church,  Boston,  from  1733  to  1776.  Dr.  Byles  was  a 
Tory;  and,  though  he  did  not  introduce  his  political 
opiijions  into  the  pulpit,  he  openly  and  earnestly  expressed 
them  out  of  it.  He  severely  censured  the  rising  spirit 
of  resistance,  largely  emploj'ing  his  prodigious  power  of 
sarcasm. 

This  unpopular  course  caused  his  dismission  in  '76.  At 
a  town-meeting  in  May,  the  year  following,  he  was  publicly 
denounced  as  an  enemy  to  his  country,  and  was  subsequently 
tried  before  a  special  court.  The  charges  preferred  against 
him  were,  that  he  prayed  for  the  king;  that  he  remained  in 
town  during  the  siege,  and  received  visits  from  the  British 
olficers.  He  was  sentenced  to  be  banished  to  England,  with 
hid  family  ;  but  this  sentence  was  changed  to  imprisonment 
in  his  own  house  for  a  time.  During  this  imprisonment, 
a  sentinel  placed  over  him  walked  constantly  before  his 
door.  On  one  occasion,  the  doctor  persuaded  the  sentinel 
to  go  on  an  errand  for  him,  promising  to  take  his  place. 
Accordingly,  he  shouldered  his  musket,  and  performed  the 
sentinel's  service  during  his  absence ;  keeping  guard  over 
himself,  to  the  great  amusement  of  passers-by.  He  was 
restored  to  liberty,  after  a  few  weeks,  by  the  removal  of  the 
guard;  but  the  guard  was  afterwards  replaced,  and  soon 
after  again  dismissed.  In  reference  to  these  circumstances, 
he  remarked,  that  "  ho  had  been  guarded,  regarded,  and 
disregarded.^^ 

Directly  opposite  his  house  was  a  bad  slough  in  wet 
weather,  of  which  ho  liad  frequently  complained,  without 
effecting  its  removal.  Two  of  the  selectmen  who  had  care 
of  the  streets,  riding  in  a  chaise,  stuck  fast  in  that  slough, 
and  were  obliged  to  gut  out  into  th«  mud  to  «xtricatM  their 


36  MIRTHFULNESS. 

vehicle.  Dr.  Byles  came  out,  and,  making  them  a  respect- 
ful bow,  said,  "Gentlemen,  I  have  often  complained  to  you 
of  this  nuisance,  without  any  attention  being  paid  to  it.  I 
am  very  glad  to  see  you  stirring  in  this  matter  71010^ 

In  1780,  a  very  extraordinary  obscurity  pervaded  the 
atmosphere  on  a  particular  day,  which  is  always  designated 
as  "  the  dark  dayP  A  lady  sent  her  servant  to  inquiry  of 
the  doctor  how  this  remarkable  phenomenon  was  to  be  ac- 
counted for,  and  whether  he  really  believed  that  the  last 
day  had  come.  "  Give  my  compliments  to  your  mistress," 
said  he,  "and  tell  her  that  I  am  quite  as  much  in  the  dark 
as  she  is." 

On  one  occasion,  Eev.  Mr.  Prince  of  the  Old  South 
Church  agreed  to  exchange  with  him,  but  failed  to  meet  his 
engagement.  The  doctor  went  into  his  pulpit,  and  stated 
his  disappointment ;  and  added,  that  he  was  unwilling  his 
audience  should  retire  without  at  least  a  word  of  exhorta- 
tion :  he  would  therefore  briefly  address  them  on  an  appro- 
priate passage,  which  they  would  find  in  the  third  verse  of  the 
hundred  and  forty-sixth  Psalm,  —  "  Fut  not  your  trust  in 
princes^  While  the  guard  was  standing  in  front  of  his 
house,  a  visitor  asked  him  what  that  was  standing  out  there 
so  patiently.  "  Oh  ! "  said  the  doctor,  "  that''s  an  observe-a- 
toryP 

During  his  trial,  one  of  his  parishioners,  not  distinguished 
for  intellectual  brilliancy,  bearing  the  Christian  name  of 
Ehen,  but  usually  called  Ehhy,  was  giving  in  his  testimony ; 
and,  not  speaking  very  audibly,  the  doctor,  placing  his  hand 
behind  his  ear,  and  leaning  forward,  asked  with  great  grav- 
ity, "  What  does  that  Ebby-dunce  (evidence)  say  ?  "  To 
Bishop  Parker  he  whispered  on  his  death-bed,  "I  have 
almost  got  to  that  world  where  there  are  no  bishops."  Sev- 
eral years  ago,  an  aged  lady,  conversing  with  a  living  clergy- 
man respecting  Dr.  Byles,  the  pastor  of  her  youth,  said, 
"He  rarely  came  to  our  house  without  a  lively  flow  of  wit 


ANECDOTES  KESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  37 

or  humor ;  and  it  was  so  with  all  the  old  people  at  that  day : 
notwithstanding  the  gravity  of  their  deportment,  they  had 
a  remarkable  love  of  fun."  Our  ancestors  of  the  last  cen- 
tury did  not  enjoy  their  vigorous  old  age  without  the 
rational  exercise  of  mirthfulness.  This  fact  is  well  illus- 
trated in  the  anecdotes  here  related. 

Rev.  Samuel  Hopkins,  D.D.,  was  pastor  of  the  church 
in  IladU-y,  Mass.,  from  1755  to  1811. 

While  his  biographer  represents  him  as  a  very  dignified 
and  magisterial  man,  —  declaring,  that,  when  "he  entered 
the  schoolroom  to  hear  the  children  say  the  catechism,  it  was 
perfectly  awful,"  —  he  says  of  him,  "  His  wit  and  pleasantry 
were  abundant,  yet  always  tempered  with  prudence."  He 
was  attractive  to  young  persons ;  and,  when  in  their  society, 
he  was  the  life  of  the  company.  His  anecdotes,  and  sallies 
of  wit,  were  exhaustless.  He  loved  a  timely  joke,  and  it 
mattered  little  whether  the  laugh  was  with  him  or  at  him. 
It  is  said  of  him  that  he  would  preserve  and  respect  the 
jokes  made  at  his  expense  with  as  much  zest  as  if  they 
were  the  product  of  his  own  wit.  He  used  to  tell  the  fol- 
lowing. When  on  exchange  at  North  Hampton,  he  dined 
with  the  governor;  and  Mr.  S.  offered  him,  at  dinner,  some 
pudding,  which  he  declined,  saying  that  pudding  before 
preaching  made  him  dull.  Gov.  S.  instantly  replied, 
"  Did  you  not  eat  pudding  for  breakfast,  sir  ?  " 

Another  story  he  used  to  tell  was  this :  On  visiting  an 
invalid,  ho  said  to  hira,  "  It  is  a  long  time  since  you  have 
been  able  to  attend  meeting:  would  you  not  like  to  have 
the  neiglibors  called  in,  and  have  mo  preach  a  lecture  at 
your  house  ? "  The  invalid  replied,  "  I  should  like  it 
much :  for  I  have  not  been  able  for  a  long  time  to  get  any 
sleep;  and  I  know,  from  much  experience,  that  your  preach- 
ing will  give  me  essential  aid  in  this  respect." 

By  stipulation  with  his  people,  he  was  to  receive  annually 


38  MIRTHFULNESS. 

so  many  cords  of  good  hard  wood.  A  parishioner  brought 
a  load  which  contained  some  soft  sticks.  Being  told  of 
this  fact  by  the  doctor,  he  replied,  "  And  do  we  not  some- 
times have  soft  preaching?" 

A  neighboring  minister,  having  had  his  house  burned,  in 
which  he  lost  all  his  sermons,  told  the  doctor  that  this 
loss  was  irreparable.  "  No ;  it  is  not  irreparable :  for  I  will 
give  you  one  of  mine." 

By  the  death  of  his  first  wife,  he  was  left  with  the  care 
of  fourteen  children,  nine  of  whom  were  his  own,  and  five 
those  of  his  wife  by  a  former  husband.  A  lady  residing  in 
Boston  was  recommended  to  him  as  a  suitable  person  for  a 
wife.  He  called  at  her  residence,  sent  in  his  request  to  see 
her,  and  declined  entering  the  parlor  until  he  could  learn 
whether  she  would  entertain  his  proposition.  On  her  ap- 
pearance, he  introduced  himself  by  telling  who  he  was,  the 
circumstances  of  his  family,  and  the  object  of  his  visit;  and 
requested  to  know  something  of  her  mind  before  going  in, 
as  it  might  be  such  as  to  render  it  not  worth  a  while  to  go 
in  at  all.  Her  prompt  but  respectful  reply  was,  that  she 
had  long  ago  made  up  her  mind  on  three  points  :  one  was, 
not  to  go  into  the  country ;  another,  not  to  marry  a  clergy- 
man ;  and  another,  not  to  marry  a  widower  with  children. 
"  Well,  madam,"  said  he,  "  as  these  conditions  all  belong  to 
my  case,  I  think  I  will  go  in."  The  result  was,  that  he 
obtained  in  this  lady  one  of  the  best  wives  that  a  country 
minister  ever  found,  and  his  fourteen  children  a  step-mother, 
between  whom  and  their  own  mother  they  could  scarcely 
perceive  a  difference  in  aflPectionate  regards. 

Dr.  Joseph  Lathrop,  pastor  of  the  church  in  Spring- 
field, Mass.,  from  1756  to  1820,  was  one  day  called  upon  by 
a  blustering  fanatical  religionist,  who  abruptly  asked  him 
this  question :  "Dr.  Lathrop,  do  you  think  you  have  any 
religion  ?  "  —  ^^  None  to  speak  of"  was  the  answer. 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  39 

A  man  of  the  same  class  called  upon  the  doctor,  and  said, 
"  Dr.  Lathrop,  I  have  not  committed  a  sin  for  the  last  eigh- 
teen months."  —  "  Indeed,"  said  the  doctor  :  ''  I  suspect  your 
neighbors    have   not    discovered    it."     When    asked  if  the 
good  people  of  Spriugtield  would  observe  a  fast  according 
to  usage,  he  replied   that  he   thought  his  people  preferred 
feasting  to  fasting.     From  my   acquaintance   with    some 
of  the  leading  citizens  of  Springfield,  who  bear  noted  his- 
torical  names,  I  should  judge  that  the   ancient  preference 
here  referred  to  is  still  maintained  in  that  flourishing  town. 
A  person  whose  life  gave  the  lie  to  his  claim  to  Christian 
character  applied  to  the  doctor  for  admission  to  his  church. 
The  doctor  asked  him  if  there  had  been  any  change  in  his 
feelings  on  the  subject  of  religion :  and  he  replied,  there  had 
not ;  but  he   regarded  it   his  duty  to  join  the  church,  and 
wished  to  be  propounded  on  the  ne.xt  sabbath.     The  doctor 
told  him  that  the  church  did  not  send  bread  and  wine  to  the 
houses  of  communicants,  unless  they  were  sick ;  and,  as  he 
had  not  attended  meeting  for  the  last  six  years,  he  would 
not  be  likely  to  enjoy  the  privileges  of  a  communicant  if  he 
was  favored  with  church   connection.     The  man   acknowl- 
edged that   he  had  neglected  the  duty  of  public  worship. 
The  doctor  said  to  him,  "Sir,  there  is  another  obstacle  in 
the  way,  which  must  be  removed  before  the  church  can  con- 
sent to  receive  you.     People  say  you   are  a  hard  drinker, 
and  that  you  sometimes  get  into.xicated."     Well,  he  said,  he 
\iM\    been    occasionally  overtaken,    and    li;i<l    given    people 
occasion  to   talk    about    him  ;    but   he  intended  to  reform. 
"And   when    are    you    going  to  begin  ?"  said  the  doctor. 
*'Why,"  said  the   man,  "I  do  not  Bv>e  that  I  can    before 
Thanksgiving."     lie   was   not  propounded,     lias  this  man 
any    representatives    in    Springfield    in    these    prohibitory 

times  ? 

On  one  occasion,  a  man  of  a  morose  disposition,  who  did 
not   belong   to   hi«  parish,  camo  to  pay  him  some  money 


40  MIRTHFULNESS. 

which  he  had  horrowed  of  hijm.  He  said,  "  You  ought  not 
to  charge  me  interest."  —  "  Why  not  ?  "  said  the  doctor.  "  Is 
not  my  money  as  good  as  another  man's  ?  "  —  "  But,"  said 
the  borrower,  "  the  Bible  forbids  taking  usury."  The  doc- 
tor replied,  "  If  you  examine  the  subject,  you  will  find  that 
the  passage  to  which  you  refer  makes  nothing  in  your 
favor.  The  Jews  were  not  permitted  to  lend  their  money 
on  usury  to  the  children  of  their  people  ;  but  there  was  no 
prohibition  in  reference  to  the  heathen."  Dr.  Lathrop 
was  an  eminently  happy  man,  and  his  happiness  was  pro- 
moted by  the  rational  exercise  of  his  mirthfulness  in  con- 
nection with  his  deep  and  cheerful  piety. 

Eev.  Samuel  J.  Mills,  minister  at  Torringford,  Conn., 
from  1769  to  1833,  was  distinguished  for  many  excellences  in 
connection  with  his  generous  flow  of  wit  and  humor.  He 
often  introduced  humorous  anecdotes  into  his  sermons, 
though  he  was  a  solemn  and  impressive  preacher.  He  was 
distinguished  for  his  hospitality ;  and  was  very  generous,  es- 
pecially in  the  distribution  of  his  fruit.  Notwithstanding  this 
trait  in  his  character,  the  boys  one  autumn  stole  his  peaches. 
In  a  sermon,  soon  after,  he  reported  a  visit  he  had  made  in 
a  neighboring  town,  where  the  people  complained  that  the 
boys  stole  peaches.  Hearing  this,  he  said  that  he  expressed 
his  surprise  and  his  abhorrence  of  such  conduct.  The  reply 
was,  "But,  Mr.  Mills,  don't  the  boys  steal  peaches  in  Tor- 
ringford ?  "  —  "  Dear  me  ! "  said  he,  "  what  could  I  do  ?  I 
couldn't  lie :  I  was  obliged  to  answer.  Yes."  — "  In  Mr. 
Mills  were  combined,"  says  one  who  knew  him,  "  strength 
of  intellect,  comic  powers,  and  deep  sensibility."  Persons 
often  laughed  and  wept  under  the  same  sermon.  On  his 
return  from  a  visit  to  Vermont,  he  said,  "  I  was  greatly 
troubled  with  Vermont  musquitoes  :  a  great  many  of  them 
would  weigh  a  pounds  To  a  neighbor  who  called  on  him 
one  evening,  Mr.  Mills  said,  "  I  have  been  to  work  to-day  like 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  41 

a  dog."  —  "  Not  like  a  dog,"  responded  his  friend.  "  Yes," 
said  he,  "  like  a  dog :  hut  of  dogs  there  are  many  kinds ; 
and  one  sort  never  go  a  step  beyond  where  they  are  driven." 
Iklr.  Mills  was  extravagantly  fond  of  music,  though  an  indif- 
ferent singer.  He  believed  that  music  was  a  means  of 
grace.  He  planned  to  have  a  singing-school  taught  by  an 
experienced  teacher  in  his  parish  every  winter.  At  the 
close  of  each  school,  he  appointed  a  singing-lecture.  One 
year,  this  lecture  was  preached  by  Dr.  Lee  of  Colebrook,  a 
writer  of  music.  The  preacher's  text  was,  "  And  it  came 
to  pass,  when  the  spirit  from  God  was  upon  Saul,  that  David 
took  a  harp,  and  played  with  his  hand.  So  Saul  was  re- 
freshed and  was  well,  and  the  evil  spirit  departed  from 
him."  At  the  close  of  the  discourse,  according  to  the 
custom  of  the  old  pastor,  he  presented  himself  in  the  pulpit. 
"'This,"  said  he,  "  is  true  doctrine.  I  have  come  into  this 
meeting-house  a  great  many  times,  and  I  saw  that  the 
Devil  was  here.  I  wished  to  begin  service ;  but  I  did  not 
like  to  introduce  the  worship  of  God  while  the  Devil  was  in 
the  people.  I  took  up  my  psalm-book,  and  read ;  but  I 
could  see  him  skipping  about  from  pew  to  pew  in  the  gal- 
leries. But,  the  instant  the  chorister  got  up  and  blew  the 
pitch-pipe,  he  quit,  and  all  was  sobriety  and  decorum  among 
the  young  people  and  children." 

Rev.  Nathaniel  Emmoxs,  D.D.,  pastor  of  the  Congre- 
gationalist  church  at  Franklin,  Mass.,  from  17C9  to  1840, 
sometimes  indulged  in  humorous  sayings.  A  person  di- 
rected his  attention  to  a  very  neat  and  well-written  manu- 
script ;  when  the  doctor  remarked,  "  What  a  pity  that  a  man 
who  can  write  so  well  hadn't  something  better  to  write  !  " 
To  a  young  pn-arlier  who  had  jjrouounced  an  aljle  discourse 
in  his  pulpit  one  sabbath  mcn-niiig,  lu;  said,  on  entering  his 
study,  "  I  liked  your  sermon  tliis  morning  very  much.  It 
was  well  arranged,  well  argued,  and  well  delivered.     I  have 


42  MIETHFTJLNESS. 

but  one  fault  to  find  with  it :  it  was  not  true."  To  another 
preacher,  who  seemed  to  require  some  mental  stimulant,  he 
said,  ''  Did  you  ever  go  over  Seekonk  Plain  ?  Your 
preaching  is  too  much  like  that, — long  and  level."  A 
young  preacher  who  had  received  valuable  instruction  from 
him  proposed  the  following  question :  "  Dr.  Emmons, 
why  is  it-  that  young  clergymen  feel  so  small  after  talking 
with  you?" — "Because,"  he  replied,  "they  feel  so  big 
before  they  come  here."  Another  had  preached  a  sermon 
in  his  pulpit  which  touched  upon  a  vast  number  of  topics. 
"  Do  you  ever  mean  to  preach  another  sermon  ?  "  inquired 
the  doctor.  "  Yes,  sir,"  was  the  reply.  "  What  can  you 
say?  You  have  already  preached  the  whole  system  of 
theology." 

A  cavilling  sceptic,  "  given  to  much  wine,"  fond  of  put- 
ting puzzling  questions  to  clergymen,  once  called  upon  the 
doctor,  and  proposed  this  question :  "  Dr.  Emmons,  can  you 
tell  me  what  I  am  to  understand  by  the  soul  of  man  ?  " 
"  No,"  was  the  reply :  "  I  cannot  tell  a  man  that  hasrCt  got 
anyP 

At  a  public  dinner,  a  man  claiming  to  entertain  very 
liberal  religious  views,  being  pressed  with  difficult  questions, 
exclaimed  in  a  loud  voice,  "  Well,  every  tub  must  stand 
upon  its  own  bottom."  —  "Yes,  yes,"  replied  Dr.  Emmons; 
"  but  what  shall  those  tubs  do  that  haven't  any  bottoms  ?  " 

Eev.  Thomas  Mason,  D.D.,  of  Northfield,  Mass.,  was 
somewhat  distinguished  in  the  political  as  well  as  in  the 
theological  department  in  the  early  history  of  our  Common- 
wealth. He  was  a  man  of  property  ;  and  used  to  let  money, 
the  legal  interest  for  which  was  six  per  cent.  Members  of 
his  church,  hearing  that  he  took  seven  per  cent  for  the  use 
of  money,  appointed  a  committee  to  wait  on  him,  and  ask 
if  the  report  was  true,  and  try  to  persuade  him  to  abandon 
the  objectionable  practice.     The  doctor  informed  the  com- 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  43 

mittee  that  the  report  was  true,  and  he  had  made  up  his 
mind  that  he  should  lend  no  more  money  at  seven  per  cent. 
The  committee  expressed  themselves  highly  gratified  with 
the  decision  of  their  pastor,  and  were  in  the  act  of  retiring, 
when  he  said  to  them,  "  Brethren,  I  wish  you  to  understand 
the  reason  why  I  have  decided  not  to  lend  more  money  at 
seven  per  cent.  It  is  this,  —  /  can  get  eight."  For  the  truth 
of  this  anecdote  I  cannot  vouch. 

Rev.  Dr.  Strong  of  Hartford  was  distinguished  for  his 
ready  wit.  A  lawyer  of  his  acquaintance,  while  attending 
court  in  Hartford,  met  the  doctor  one  Saturday  afternoon 
in  a  bookstore.  In  the  conversation,  the  lawyer  said, 
"  Well,  doctor,  I  think  I  shall  go  over  to  East  Hartford,  and 
hear  Mr.  Yates,  to-morrow.  I  do  not  think  we  can  expect 
much  from  you,  seeing  you  away  from  your  study  Saturday 
afternoon."  —  "  That's  right,"  said  the  doctor :  "  I  advise  you 
to  go ;   for  I  am  going  to  preach  to  Christians  to-morrow." 

Col.  Dyer  of  Windham,  who  had  served  as  judge  a  num- 
ber of  years,  had  been  dropped  from  office  by  the  action  of 
the  legislature ;  an  expedient  which  had  been  adopted  by 
other  States  to  get  rid  of  unpopular  or  incompetent  incum- 
bents, and  prohablg  will  be  again.  Col.  Dyer  happened  to 
be  at  Hartford  at  the  next  session  of  the  court  after  he  was 
dropped,  and  was  standing  in  the  lobby  with  several 
others  who  ha<l  been  similarly  treated,  as  Dr.  Strong  came 
out,  after  having  prayed  at  the  opening  of  the  court.  Said 
Judge  Dyer,  "Why  didn't  you  pray  for  us  too?"  —  "I 
don't  pray  for  the  dead,"  was  the  doctor's  prompt  reply. 

A  lawyer  by  the  uame  of  Bacon,  a  i)arisliioiu'r  of  Dr. 
Strong's,  walking  with  a  brother-lawyer  in  Hartford  one 
day,  saw  his  minister  appr<»a«;hing,  and  said  to  his  compan- 
ion, "Here  comes  Dr.  Strong:  I  will  introtluce  you  to  him, 
and  we  will  have  some  sport."  After  the  parties  met,  and 
the  introduction  was  effected,  Lawyer  Bacon  said,  "  Doctor, 


44  MIETHFULNESS. 

can  you  tell  us  why  a  hog's  head,  when  baked,  is  called  the 
'minister's  face  ?  "  —  "  Probably,"  replied  the  doctor,  "  for 
the  same  reason  that  the  other  end  of  the  creature,  when 
smoked,  is  called  bacon  !  " 

Rev.  Nathan'Tel  Howe  of  Hopkinton  was  eminently 
genial,  and  full  of  anecdote.  He  used  to  relate  the  following 
respecting  himself:  "  I  was  returning  one  time  from  driving 
a  load  of  timber  to  market,  and,  being  somewhat  chilled  by 
the  wintery  atmosphere,  called  at  a  public-house  for  warmth 
and  refreshment.  My  step  was  unsteady,  and  my  hand 
trembled,  as  I  went  to  the  bar  for  stimulant  to  revive  me. 
The  bar-keeper  looked  at  me  for  a  moment,  and  turned 
away,  saying,  '  IsTo,  no,  old  man :  I  cannot  give  you  any 
thing  to  drink :  you  have  had  too  much  already.'' " 

Rev.  Lyman  Beecher,  D.D. — This  distinguished  divine 
acknowledged  his  indebtedness  to  the  exercise  of  his  mirth- 
fulness  for  his  ability  to  perform  the  great  work  of  his 
laborious  life.  Most  of  the  following  humorous  incidents 
connected  with  this  great  and  good  man  are  taken  from  his 
autobiography.  In  his  early  days,  he  lived  with  his  aunt 
Benton  and  her  husband,  who,  according  to  the  Puritan 
custom,  kept  Saturday  night  instead  of  Sunday  ;  believing 
that  the  Christian  sabbath  commenced  at  twilight  on  Sat- 
urday eve,  and  closed  at  twilight  on  Sunday  eve.  The 
rule  given  to  Lyman  by  those  who  controlled  his  religious 
education  was,  that  he  might  leave  the  house  for  play  on 
the  latter  evening,  when  tltree  stars  could  be  seen.  Being 
an  active  child,  and  fond  of  sport,  he  hailed  the  going-down 
of  the  sun'  on  the  sacred  day  with  transporting  joy,  and 
Avatched  with  eager  longing  for  the  appearance  of  the  tln-ee 
expected  stars.  Read  what  he  says  of  himself :  "One  Sun- 
day evening,  I  was  out  playing.  The  people  kept  Saturday 
eve;  and  the  rule  was,  that  children  might  play  on  Sunday 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTIKa  CLERGYMEN.  45 

eve  as  soon  as  they  could  see  three  stars.  I  was  so  impa- 
tient, I  did  not  wait  for  the  appearance  of  the  stars.  Bill 
H.  saw  me,  and  said,  — 

'•' '  That's  wicked :  there  ain't  three  stars.' 

*' '  Don't  care.' 

"  '  God  says  you  mustn't.' 

" '  Don't  care.' 

"'He'll  punish  you.'  * 

"  *  Well,  if  he  does,  I'll  tell  Aunt  Benton.' 

"'But  he  is  bigger  than  Aunt  Benton ;  and  he'll  put  you 
in  the  fire,  and  burn  you  for  ever  and  ever.' 

"  That  took  hold.     I  understood  what  forever  was,  and 
what  fire  was." 

While  pastor  in  Litchfield,  Conn.,  he  was  several  times 
called  to  act  as  advocate  for  parties  before  ecclesiastical 
councils.  "I  remember,"  said  he,  "one  case  where  I  had 
a  severe  conflict,  defending  a  young  minister  whose  wife 
was  jealous  of  him."  Mr.  Edwards,  the  keenest  lawyer  in 
Hartford,  was  opposed  to  him;  and  Judge  Perkins  was 
moderator.  The  case,  as  presented  by  common  report  and 
by  the  direct  testimony  of  several  witnesses,  appeared  de- 
cidedly against  the  accused;  but  the  doctor's  rigid  and 
skilful  examination  showed  up  the  testimony,  and  estab- 
lished the  innocence  of  the  young  husband,  even  in  the 
opinion  of  the  wife,  who  .supposed  herself  injured,  and  who, 
with  grateful  tears,  thanked  the  doctor  for  tlie  part  he 
acted.  One  witness,  a  schoolmaster,  who  had  boarded  in 
the  defendant's  family,  testified  to  his  receiving  visits  from 
a  young  huly  by  night.  Horror-struck,  he  had  heard  them 
converse  in  their  guilty  interviews.  On  the  cross-examina- 
tion, the  doctor  asked,  "  How  were  the  rooms  occupied  by 
you  *nd  the  defen<hint  situated  ?  " 

"One  at  tin;  north-west,  and  the  other  at  the  soutli-west 
comer,"  he  said. 

"  Did  you  hear  what  they  said  (*  " 


46      *  MIRTHFULNESS. 

"No." 

"  Did  you  see  her  go  ?  " 

"No." 

"  Did  you  know  her  voice  ?  " 

"No." 

"  Did  you  hear  any  thing  more  than  a  buzz  ?  " 

"No." 

In  making  the  closing  argument,  the  doctor  told  the 
council  that  the  schoolmaster's  testimony  reminded  him  of 
a  story  that  old  Mr.  Dominie  of  East  Hampton  used  to  tell. 
He  was  a  great  hunter,  and  used  to  hunt  wild  geese.  One 
evening,  he  said  he  went  down  to  the  great  pond,  where 
large  flocks  of  geese  were  feeding.  They  kept  out  of  reach 
by  day,  but  came  in  and  fed  by  the  shore  at  night.  "  I 
had  put  up  a  small  breastwork  on  the  sand,"  said  he,  "  and 
lay  behind  it,  waiting.  By  and  by,  I  began  to  hear  them 
talk,  talk,  talk ;  conkle,  conkle,  conkle.  I  trembled.  Heard 
'em,  but  couldn't  see  any  thing.  At  last  I  drew  up,  took 
sight  with  my  ear,  fired  at  the  noise,  and  killed  three." 

"Now,"  said  the  doctor,  "  it  might  do  to  take  sight  with 
your  ears  in  hunting  geese,  but  not  men." 

This  story  convulsed  the  council  with  laughter,  and  aided 
the  doctor  in  gaining  his  case.  When  travelling  upon  a 
steamboat  on  North  River,  a  pert  sceptic  drew  a  crowd 
around  him  by  his  loud  talk  in  showing  up  what  he  styled 
the  contradictions  of  the  Bible ;  among  others,  that  Judas 
was  represented  as  having  hung  himself;  and  also  having 
fallen  headlong,  and  bursting  in  the  fall.  Having  stated 
this  case,  he  asked  in  a  triumphant  tone,  "  How  can  you 
reconcile  these  conflicting  statements  ?  " 

"Why,  sir,"  said  the  doctor,  who  was  listening  with 
others,  "  the  rope  broke,  I  suppose." 

"  How  d'ye  know  ?  "  said  he. 

"  How  d'ye  know  it  didn't  ?  "  said  the  doctor ;  and  that 
dashed  him.     The  company  laughed,  and  he  subsided. 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING  CLERGYMEN.  47 

While  listening  to  a  weak  and  prosy  argument  in  pres- 
bytery, Dr.  Beecher  whispered  to  a  clerical  brother  near 
him,  "  I  had  rather  be  before  that  gun  than  behind  it." 
Another  opponent  of  the  doctor,  member  of  the  same  pres- 
bytery, had  a  habit  of  looking  uj),  and  swinging  his  head  to 
and  fro,  while  he  uttered  his  hard  sayings  against  the  New- 
School.  In  the  midst  of  one  of  his  long  and  dull  speeches, 
tl^  doctor  said  to  a  friend  sitting  near  him,  "  Did  j'ou  ever 
know  a  man  who  looked  up  to  heaven  for  light,  and  got  so 
little?" 

Riding  home  one  night,  by  moonlight,  he  saw  beside  the 
road  what  he  supposed  to  be  a  rabbit,  and  having  a  large, 
heavy  book  in  his  hand,  hurled  it  at  the  creature  with  all 
the  force  he  could  employ;  receiving  in  return  a  copious 
discharge  of  unmistakable  character,  whicli  required  him  to 
bury  his  clothes,  his  ponderous  volume,  and  every  thing 
about  him,  in  order  to  become  presentable.     In  after-life, 

being  asked  why  he  did  not  reply  to  a  certain  Mr. ,  who 

was  abusing  him  through  the  press,  he  replied,  "  I  threw  a 
book  at  a  skunk  once,  and  he  had  tlie  best  of  it.  I  then 
made  up  ray  mind  never  to  try  that  thing  again." 

Dr.  Beecher  depended  upon  sy>.tematic  manual  labor,  as 
well  as  the  occasional  exercise  of  his  mirthfulness,  to  main- 
tain hi.s  health  and  vigor.  While  in  Boston,  he  used  to  saw 
all  his  own  wood,  and  beg  the  privilege  of  sawing  that  of 
some  of  his  neighlx)rs.  The  doctor  always  kept  his  wood- 
saw  in  excellent  onler.  He  could  lile  a  saw  Itctter  tlian  he 
could  play  the  fiddle;  and  his  family  regarded  the  music  of 
the  filing  preferable  to  tliat  of  the  phiying.  Having  sawed 
all  his  own  wood,  and  aching  for  exercise,  he  l(x»ked  with 
envious  feelings  upon  a  W(X)d-8awy<'r,  upon  the  opposite  side 
of  the  street,  at  work  upon  a  large  pile.  Dressing  himself 
in  his  exercising  costume,  an<l  seizing  liis  well-sharix'm'd  in- 
strument, li<!  imrnediatfly  joined  the  wood-.suwycr,  wlioiii  wo 
will   call  W.,  and  profK^sed   to  assist  him  ;  which    [u-oposal 


48  MIRTHFULNESS. 

was  accepted.  W.  had  never  seen  the  doctor,  but  knew 
him  by  reputation  ;  and  belonging  to  another  sect,  and 
being  attached  to  his  drams,  he  was  violently  prejudiced 
against  him.  He  supposed  his  associate  was  employed  by 
Dr.  Beecher.     Thus  he  said  to  him :  — 

"  Do  you  work  for  old  man  Beecher  ?  " 

Beecher.  "Yes." 

W.  "  What  sort  of  an  old  fellow  is  he  ?  "  , 

B.  "  Oh  !  pretty  much  like  the  rest  of  us.  Good  man 
enough  to  work  for." 

W.  "Tough  old  chap,  ain't  he  ?" 

B.    "  Guess  so,  to  them  that  try  to  chaw  him  up." 

W.  "  First-rate  saw,  that  of  your'n ! " 

This  touched  the  doctor  in  a  tender  point.  He  had  set 
that  saw  as  carefully  as  the  articles  of  his  creed ;  every 
tooth  was  carefully  adjusted;  and  so  he  gave  a  smile  of 
triumph. 

"  I  say,"  said  W.,  "  where  can  I  get  a  saw  like  that  ?  " 

B.    "  I  don't  know,  unless  you  buy  mine." 

W.  ''Will  you  trade  ?     What  do  you  ask  ?  " 

B.  "  I'll  think  about  it.  Call  at  the  house  to-morrow, 
and  rU  tell  you." 

The  next  day,  W.  knocked,  and  met  the  doctor  at  the 
door,  fresh  from  the  hands  of  his  wife,  —  with  his  coat 
brushed,  cravat  tied,  and  hair  combed,  prepared  for  pastoral 
duty.     Seeing  W.  before  him,  the  doctor  said,  — 

"  You're  the  man  that  wanted  to  buy  my  saw.  Well,  you 
shall  have  it  for  nothing :  only  let  me  have  some  of  your 
wood  to  saw  when  you  work  on  this  street." 

"Be  hanged,"  said  old  W.,  when  he  used  afterward  to 
tell  the  story,  "if  I  didn't  want  to  crawl  into  an  auger- 
hole  when  I  found  it  was  old  Beecher  himself  I  had  been 
talking  with  so  crank  the  day  before." 

From  this  time  forward,  W.  was  the  most  enthusiastic 
admirer  and  advocate  of  the  doctor;  ever  ready  to  affirm 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  49 

that  he  was  a  right  glorious  old  fellow,  and  the  only  man  in 
Boston  who  could  beat  him  sawing  wood. 

Soon  after  his  marriage,  Dr.  Bcecher  was  passing  a  field 
where  his  uncle,  who  brought  him  up,  was  mowing.  The 
old  gentleman  jokingly  cried  out,  — 

"Halloo,  youngster!  they  say  you  have  no  right  to 
preach  ;  you  have  never  been  ordained ;  you  are  not  in  the 
euccession." 

"  Got  a  good  scythe  there,  Uncle  Lot  ?  " 

"  First-rate." 

"Who  made  it?" 

"  Dun'no :  bought  it  over  to  the  store." 

"  If  you  had  another  that  was  made  by  a  blacksmith 
who  you  sui)posed  could  trace  his  authority  for  making 
scythes  all  the  way  up  to  St.  Peter,  and  yet  the  scythe 
wouldn't  cut  any  more  than  a  sheet  of  lead,  which  would 
you  take  to  mow  with  ?  " 

"  Go  along,  you  rogue  !    Ho,  lio,  ho  !  " 

The  following,  though  not  printed  in  the  book,  may  be 
relied  upon  as  substantially  correct  in  all  its  parts.  The 
compiler  gives  it  just  as  it  was  received  from  a  reliable 
source. 

A  suitable  time  after  the  death  of  his  second  wife.  Dr. 
Beecher  decided  that  ho  would  take  to  himself  a  third  com- 
panion to  share  his  sorrows  and  his  joys.  Having  made 
this  decision,  he  resolved  to  accomplish  his  purpose  by  visit- 
ing New  Englan<l,  the  place  eminent  for  the  production  of 
intelligent  Cliristian  wives.  AVith  his  object  in  mind,  a 
purpo.se  fully  formed,  he  left  his  Western  home  at  the  com- 
mencement of  the  seminary  vacation,  and,  stopping  a  short 
tin>e  in  iioston,  proceeded  to  Bangor,  and  there,  in  liis  earnest 
manner,  told  Dr.  l'<jnd  that  he  wanted  a  wife,  and  asked 
him  if  he  knew  a  suitable  lady  for  such  a  position.  His 
reverend  brother  thought  a  moment,  and  replied  that  ho 
could  not  think  of  one  in  the  circle  of  his  acquaintance  in 

4  ' 


50  MIETHFULNESS. 

the  State.  The  reverend  aspirant  to  matrimony,  intent 
upon  effecting  his  purpose,  asked  this  brother  to  think 
again.     In  a  short  time,  Dr.  Pond  said, — 

"  There  is  IVIrs.  Jackson  of  Boston,  a  memher  of  your 
church  when  you  were  pastor  there,  a  most  estimable  lady ; 
and  I  think  she  would  make  you  a  good  wife." 

"  I  remember  her,"  said  Dr.  Beecher ;  "  and  I  think  she 
is  just  the  one  for  me.  I  shall  return  to  Boston  imme- 
diately, and  make  known  to  her  my  wishes." 

After  a  very  brief  stay  at  Bangor,  Dr.  Beecher  found  his 
way  to  the  house  of  Mrs.  Jackson,  who  was  highly  pleased 
with  a  call  from  her  former  and  much-beloved  pastor.  The 
doctor  requested  a  private  interview,  made  known  his 
errand,  and  proposed  the  important  question,  with  the  re- 
quest of  an  immediate  answer.  Mrs.  Jackson  blushed,  and 
said,  — 

"  The  proposal  was  wholly  unexpected,  and  she  was  not 
prepared  to  give  an  immediate  answer.  She  wanted  time 
to  think  of  the  subject,  and  to  pray  over  it." 

"Well,"  said  Dr.  Beecher,  "suppose  we  pray  together 
now." 

Mrs.  Jackson  assented  to  the  proposal,  and  they  knelt 
together;  and  the  doctoc  led  in  a  very  fervent  prayer,  con- 
fining his  petition  to  the  subject  under  consideration.  Im- 
mediately after  they  rose  from  their  devotional  posture,  tlie 
doctor  turned  to  the  new  object  of  his  affection,  and  said  in 
winning  tones,  — 

"  How  do  you  feel  now,  my  dear  ?  " 

"It  is  exceedingly  difficult  to  describe  my  feelings  at  this 
moment,  doctor,"  was  her  excited  reply. 

Within  three  weeks  from  that  date,  the  "twain  were 
made  one  "  early  in  the  morning ;  and  they  started  imme- 
diately for  the  new  home  of  the  bride.  When  the  doctor's 
children  gathered  at  that  home  to  see  their  new  mother,  he 
said  to  them,  — 


ANECDOTES    RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  51 

"Children,  I  don'fc  suppose  your  mother  loves  me  very 
much  yet ;  but  I  intend  to  behave  so  that  slie  will." 

Rev.  William  M.  Rogers,  of  Central  Church,  Boston.  — 
Wlien  Mr.  Rogers  was  pastor  in  Townsend,  Mass.,  where  ho 
was  ordained,  he  bore  the  name  of  Kittle.  One  of  his 
Townsend  parishioners  met  him,  on  a  ^Monday  morning  after 
he  had  preached  a  discourse  which  oft'ended  him,  and  said, 
'•  Well,  .sir,  I  told  our  folks  that  the  Kittle  boiled  over  yes- 
terday." 

"  I  thought  you  looked  as  if  you  were  scalded,"  was  the 
prompt  reply. 

At  the  close  of  a  temporance  lecture,  which  Mr.  Kittle 
delivered  in  a  schoolhouse  where  were  several  hard  drinkers, 
one  of  the  latter,  as  he  was  going  out  the  door  at  the  close 
of  the  lecture,  turned  round,  and  cried  out,  "  Mister,  can  you 
tell  me  the  way  to  hell  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  said  the  lecturer :  "  keejp  right  on  in  your  present 
course,  sir^ 

Rev.  Jonathan  Frkxch  of  Andover,  Mass.,  had  a  salary 
of  three  hundred  and  fifty  dollars,  besides  the  parsonage.and 
his  fuel.  His  people  had  neglected  to  bring  him  his  winter's 
wood  one  year;  and,  on  the  .sabbath  before  Thanksgiving,  he 
read  the  proclamation,  and  added,  "  My  brethren,  you  per- 
ceive that  his  E.xcellency  h:us  ai)pointed  next  Thursday  as 
the  day  of  Thanksgiving;  and,  according  to  custom,  it  is 
\\\\'  purpose  to  prepare  two  discourses  for  the  occasion,  pro- 
vidoA  I  can  ufrite  thnn  ii'ithout  a  fireP  Before  noon,  the 
n«*xt  day,  his  winter's  wood  was  in  his  wood-3'ard. 

The  following  anecdotes  are  taken  from  "The  Afenioir  of 
Rev.  Lemuel  Ilaynes,"  a  mulatto  clergyman,  for  .several 
years  pastor  of  the  Congregational  church  and  society  in 
Rutland,  Vt.,  antl  subsequently  a  pastor  in  (JriinvHle,  N.Y. 


52  MIRTFIFULNESS. 

His  'biographer  says,  "  It  will  be  evidently  difficult,  for 
those  who  were  not  acquainted  with  this  eccentric  and  ex- 
traordinary man,  to  see  the  consistency  of  his  very  free  in- 
dulgence in  wit,  with  a  uniform  and  pervading  piety."  This 
peculiarity,  undoubtedly,  improved  the  character  of  his 
piety. 

He  went  one  evening  into  a  store  where  ardent  spirits 
were  sold.  In  his  pleasant  manner,  he  addressed  the  com- 
pany :  "  How  d'ye  do  ?  how  do  you  all  do  here  ?  " 

The  merchant,  willing  to  jest  a  little,  replied,  "  Oh  !  not 
more  than  half-drunk." 

«  Well,  well,"  said  Mr.  Haynes,  "  I  am  glad  there's  a  re- 
formation hegunP 

Two  reckless  young  men  agreed  to  try  his  wit.  Meeting 
him  one  day,  one  of  them  said,  "  Father  Haynes,  have  you 
he.ard  the  good  news  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  Mr.  Haynes  :  "  what  is  it  ?  " 

"  It  is  great  news  indeed,"  said  the  other ;  "  and,  if  true,, 
your  business  is  done." 

"What  is  it?"  again  inquired  Mr.  Haynes. 

"Why,"  said  the  first,  "the  Devil  is  dead." 

Iji  a  moment  the  old  gentleman  replied,  lifting  up  both 
his  hands,  and  placing  them  on  the  heads  of  the  young  men, 
and  in  a  tone  of  solemn  concern,  "  0  poor  fatherless  chil- 
dren !  what  will  become  of  you  ?  " 

An  uneducated  young  minister,  in  conversation  with  him, 
remarked  that  he  thought  that  ministers  succeeded  well 
without  learning,  and  that  some  ignorant  ones  excelled. 

"Won't  you  tell  me  tlien,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Haynes,  "how 
much  ignorance  is  necessary  to  make  an  eminent  preacher  ?  " 

A  minister  of  the  Baptist  denomination,  of  high  respec- 
tability, thus  accosted  him :  "  Brother  Haynes,  I  love  you 
much,  and  I  can  cheerfully  give  you  the  right  hand  of  fel- 
lowship, both  as  a  Christian  and  a  gospel  minister ;  but  I 
want  you  to  follow  Christ  down  the  banks  of  Jordan." 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  53 

"  Oh  !  "  said  he,  "  I  ;im  an  old  man,  and  the  banks  of  Jor- 
don  are  a  great  way  off." 

"You  misunderstand  me,"  replied  the  other;  "here  is 
the  creek,  close  by  :  what  hinders  you  to  be  baptized  ?  " 

"  0  brother !  "  said  Mr.  Haynes,  "  that  is  not  Jor- 
dan ;  that  is  Otter  Creek." 

A  minister  having  had  his  house  burned,  and  stating  the 
circumstances  of  the  event  to  Mr.  Haynes,  he  added,  that 
most  of  his  manuscript  sermons  were  consumed  with  the 
building.     Mr.  Haynes  replied,  "Don't  you  think,  Brother 

,  they  gave  more  light   from   the  fire  than  they   ever 

gave  from  the  pul[)it?" 

A  physician  in  a  contiguous  town,  of -rather  libertine  prin- 
ciples, in  removing  to  the  West,  arrived  at  West  Rutland 
with  a  retinue  of  his  friends.  Mr.  Haynes,  seeing  the  doctor 
drive  up  and  call  at  the  public-house,  immediately  went  there 
to  give  him  and  his  family  the  parting  farewell.  After  the 
exchange  of  salutations,  Mr.  Haynes  said  to  him,  "  Doctor,  I 
was  not  aware  that  you  expected  to  leave  this  part  of  the 
country  so  soon.  I  am  owing  you  a  small  account,  which 
ought  to  have  been  cancelled  before.  I  have  not  the  money ; 
but  I  will  go  and  borrow  it  immediately." 

The  doctor  replied,  that  he  must  have  all  his  affairs 
settled,  as  he  expected  never  to  return  to  this  part  of  the 
country.  ^Ir.  Haynes,  as  he  went  out  to  borrow  the  money, 
was  called  back  by  the  dotrtor,  who  had  previously  made  out 
a  receipt  in  full,  which  he  gave  to  liim,  saying,  "Here, 
Father  Haynes,  is  a  discharge  of  your  account.  You  have 
l>een  a  faithful  servant  liere  for  a  long  time,  and  received 
but  small  support.    I  give  you  the  debt." 

Mr.  Haynes  thanked  him  very  cordially,  expressing  a 
willingness  to  pay;  when  the  doctor  adiled,  "l)ut,  Mr. 
Haynes,  y(ju  must  pray  for  me,  and  make  me  a  good  man.'" 

Mr.  Haynes  ipiickly  replied,  "  Why,  doctor,  I  think  1  had 
much  better  pay  the  debt."  • 


54  MIRTHFULNESS. 

He  accidentally  met  a  heterodox  clergyman,  who  had  re- 
cently been  on  a  preaching  tour  in  the  northern  part  of  the 
State,  and  inquired  what  had  been  his  success. 

"  Oh  !  good  success,  sir,  very  good,  great  success,"  replied 
the  clergyman  :  "  the  Devil  himself  can  never  destijpy  such 
a  cause." 

]Mr.  Haynes  instantly  replied,  "  You  need  not  be  con- 
cerned :   he  will  never  tryP 

The  parishioners  of  a  neighboring  clergyman  strongly 
desired  that  their  bachelor  pastor  should  take  a  wife,  and 
some  of  them  requested  Mr.  Haynes  to  urge  this  duty  upon 
him.  Mr.  Haynes  called  upon  tke  clergyman,  and  presented 
the  claims  of  matrimony  upon  him,  who  acknowledged  the 
force  of  the  argument,  and  added  very  emphatically,  "  I 
understand,  Mr.  Haynes,  that  you  have  some  very  fine 
daughters." 

Mr.  Haynes  instantly  replied,  "  I  have  sympathy  for  you 
and  your  parishioners  :  but,  really,  I  have  taken  great  pains 
to  educate  my  daughters,  and  much  care  to  prepare  them  for 
usefulness ;  and  I  hate  to  throw  them  away." 

Mr.  Haynes,  meeting  a  clergyman  who  was  writing  a 
book,  asked  him  if  the  report  as  to  what  he  was  doing* was 
true ;  and,  being  answered  in  the  affirmative,  said,  "  You 
have  just  as  good  a  right  to  make  a  book  as  those  that  know 
howP 

Being  invited  to  officiate  at  a  wedding,  the  bridegroom 
asked  what  his  usual  compensation  was.  Mr.  Haynes 
humorously  replied,  "  It  depends  entirely  upon  the  parties. 
If  they  are  promising  and  respectable,  we  of  course  receive 
a  liberal  reward ;  but,  if  they  are  what  we  call  poor  things, 
but  little  is  expected."    A  munificent  marriage-fee  was  paid. 

Kev.  Mr.  Miles  of  Temple,  KH.,  wlio  died  there  at  an 
advanced  age  between  thirty  and  forty  years  ago,  was 
eccentric  and  witty.* 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  55 

As  an  article  in  the  town-warrant  respecting  the  painting 
of  their  meeting-house  was  under  discussion,  aud  different 
colors  were  reconimended  by  difterent  speakers,  Mr.  Milee 
arose,  and  said,  '*  Mr.  Moderator,  I  recommend  that  we  paint 
our  meeting-house  neio-rum  color  ;  for,  in  looking  at  the  noses 
of  some  of  my  parishioners,  I  have  discovered  that  that  is 
a  color  wliich  grows  brighter  and  brighter  every  year." 

At  the  close  of  a  sabbath  ser\nce,  he  gave  notice  that  he 
was  going  on  a  mission  that  week ;  but  added,  ^'  I  am  not 
going  out  of  town :  I  am  going  to  preacli  at  Seth  Blood's  on 
Thursday  afternoon  at  three  o'clock." 

In  preaching  about  hypocrites  making  clean  the  outside 
of  the  cup  and  platter,  but  leaving  the  inside  filthy,  he 
said,  "  For  all  practical  purposes,  it  would  be  better  to  have 
the  outside  dirty,  if  one  must  be ;  but  even  that  would  be  a" 
sluttish  trickJ' 

An  able  clergyman,  still  living  in  New  Hampshire,  en- 
joying a  reraarkabl}'^  vigorous  old  age,  was  distinguished 
for  his  wit  in  the  active  season  of  his  life. 

During  the  first  year  of  his  settlement,  he  intended  to 
visit  every  family  in  his  parish,  aud  thought  he  had  accom- 
plished his  purpose;  when  he  was  told  that  he  had  omitted 
one,  the  head  of  which  felt  the  slight  very  keenly.  He 
immediately  calK-d  upon  the  cuuiplainer,  and  sard,  "Becom- 
ing tired  of  waiting  for  a  call  from  you,  I  have  concluded  to 
make  the  introductory  call  myself."  The  man  apologized, 
saying  he  did  not  know  that  it  was  his  duty  to  make  the 
first  call. 

A  member  of  his  church,  becoming  oft'ended  witli  a 
brother,  absented  hims<'lf  from  the  communion  two  or  three 
times,  after  which  he  rall»-<l  upon  his  pastor,  and  charged 
liim  with  the  neglect  of  duty  in  not  looking  after  his  "wan- 
dering Hheep,"  referring  him  to  the  i)arablo  of  the  man  aud 
hi»  hundred  sheep,  —  the  man  leaving  the  ninety  aud  nine, 


56  MIRTHFULNESS. 

and  going  in  pursuit  of  the  lost  one.     The  pastor  said  he 
knew  it  was  his  duty  to  look  after  the  sheep,  but  not  the, 
goats. 

The  Freemasons  celebrated  St.  John's  Day  in  his  village  5 
and  the  public  address  was  delivered  in  his  church  by  a 
brother-clergyman,  who  asked  him  to  accompany  him  into 
the  pulpit,  and  there  offer  prayer.  The  invitation  was 
accepted.  In  praying  for  the  institution,  he  said,  "  O  Lord  ! 
we  pray  for  we  know  not  what.  If  it  be  good,  bless  it ;  but, 
if  it  be  had,  curse  it." 

He  was  invited  to  the  dinner,  and  there  called  upon  for 
a  sentiment.  He  gave  the  following  :  "  John  the  Baptist : 
He  did  not  feast  on  pigs  and  punch  and  turkeys :  his  meat 
was  locusts  and  wild  honey.  He  did  not  wear  an  apron : 
his  loins  were  girt  about  with  a  leathern  girdle."  —  "How 
do  you  know  he  did  not  wear  an  apron,  Mr.  M.  ? "  said 
the  presiding  officer.  "The  Scriptures  do  not  inform  us 
that  he  did,"  was  the  prompt  reply. 

In  addition  to  performing  his  pastoral  duties,  Mr.  M. 
superintended  a  productive  farm,  and,  during  some  seasons 
of  the  year,  performed  a  good  deal  of  farm  labor.  A  neigh- 
boring clergyman  called  upon  him  in  haying-time,  late  in 
the  week,  and  solicited  an  exchange  of  pulpits  on  the  fol- 
lowing sabbath,  saying  that  he  had  been  away  from  home, 
and  could  not  prepare  for  his  own  pulpit.  Mr.  M —  said 
his  engagements  at  home  were  such  that  he  could  not  ac- 
commodate him. 

"  Well,"  said  his  brother,  "  if  you  cannot  exchange  with 
me,  give  me  a  text." 

"That  I  can  do,"  said  Mr.  M.  "Take  this:  'I  come 
not  to  you  with  excellence  of  speech,'  and  you  will  prove  it." 

Riding  on  horseback  near  his  house  one  day,  wearing  his 
farmer's  frock,  he  met  a  green  young  man  in  pursuit  of 
labor,  who  asked  him  if  he  knew  of  a  person  who  wished  to 
hire  a  man.     Mr.  M,  told  him  he  did ;  and,  if  he  would 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  57 

call  at  his  house,  he  would   soon   return,  and  talk   with 
him. 

''  Where  in is  your  liouse  ?  "  said  the  rough  country- 
man. 

'''  Oh  I  I  don't  live  in .  I  live  in  yonder  house,"  suit- 
ing the  action  to  the  word. 

A  clergyman,  who  succeeded  Mr.  M.  in  the  pastoral 
office,  came  to  his  congregation  one  sabbath,  and  said,  im- 
mediately before  announcing  his  text,  "  I  am  aware  that 
there  is  strong  prejudice  in  the  minds  of  people  against 
old  sermons.  That  the  sermon  I  am  about  to  preach  may  not 
encounter  this  prejudice,  I  will  assure  my  hearers  that  it  is 
not  old;  for  it  was  first  preached  in  this  pulpit  less  than  six 
months  ago." 

This  same  pastor,  seeing  a  number  of  his  congregation 
asleep,  with  heads  thrown  back  and  mouths  open,  on  a  hot 
summer's  day,  stopped  a  few  seconds,  and,  looking  around, 
said,  "  I  should  think  that  some  of  my  audience  are  better 
prepared  to  swallow  the  preacher  than  the  preach i /iff." 

Rev.  !Mr.  BuRCHARD,  the  celebrated  revivalist,  having 
closed  a  very  successful  protracted  meeting  at  Cavendish, 
Vt.,  some  forty  years  ago,  on  his  way  with  his  wife  to 
"Woodstock,  in  a  lonrly  place  met  a  tin  peddler.  Stopping 
his  horse,  Mr.  IJurchard  ro.se  in  his  carriage,  and  in  loud 
and  solemn  tones  exclaimed,  "  Stop,  young  man  !  you  are 
directly  on  the  road  to  hell!"  The  peddler  remained 
Bili-nt  a  moment,  scratching  his  head,  and  then  calmly  re- 
plied, ^^Jiuft  my  pliKjny  lurk  :  they  told  me,  hack  here,  that 
this  was  the  road  to  Cavendish." 

Rev.  Mr.  Si'KAOue  of  Dublin,  N.TI.,  was  a  very  eccen- 
tric man,  and,  thougli  liberally  educated,  seenu-cl  to  bo 
dcHtituto  of  common  8en»e.  Being  told  that  his  bcuns  had 
come   up  wrong,  ho   piiHcd   them    uj),  and    phiced   the   top9 


58  MIRTHFULNESS. 

downward.  When  travelling,  he  ordered  a  bushel  of  oats 
for  his  horse  ;  and,  when  the  hostler  told  him  his  horse  could 
not  eat  them,  lie  replied,  that  he  could  eat  a  bushel  of  hay, 
and  oats  were  better  than  hay.  When  on  a  visit  to  Mr. 
Ainsworth  of  Jafifrey,  wearing  a  new  suit  of  clothes,  the 
two  walked  out  into  a  pasture  together  in  which  there  were 
some  high  bushes,  that  had  grown  up  in  land  which  had 
been  burned  over.  Not  far  from  those  bushes  was  a  black 
charred  stub.  While  the  two  were  walking  near  this,  a 
black,  hornless  cow  emerged  from  the  bushes ;  when  Mr. 
Ainsworth  cried,  "  A  bear,  a  bear  !  "  Greatly  alarmed,  Mr. 
Sprague  asked,  "  What  shall  I  do  ? "  Mr.  Ainsworth 
replied,  "  Climb  that  stub  ;  "  which  Mr.  Sprague  attempting 
to  do,  got  essentially  blacked.  One  day,  his  housekeeper 
placed  a  cooked  chicken  upon  his  table,  which  had  but  one 
leg.  When  he  called  her  attention  to  the  fact,  she  asked 
him  if  he  did  not  know  that  chickens  shed  one  leg  in  the 
autumn.  He  was  sure  he  didn't.  Soon  after,  on  a  frosty 
morning,  she  called  him  to  the  door,  where  he  saw  a  portion 
of  his  flock  with  apparently  one  leg  each.  This  satisfied 
the  parson.  With  all  his  lack  of  common  sense,  he  occa- 
sionally manifested  some  wit.  He  and  Mr.  Ainsworth 
differed  on  some  theological  points.  Mr.  Ainsworth  be- 
lieved with  Dr.  Hopkins  in  disinterested  benevolence.  Mr. 
Sj^rague  rejected  this  dogma.  At  a  dinner  of  the  ministerial 
association  of  which  they  were  both  members,  Mr.  Ains- 
worth attempted  to  draw  Mr.  Sprague  into  an  argument  on 
this  subject.  The  latter  refused  to  argue,  saying  he  was 
convinced,  thoroughly  convinced,  that  there  were  instances 
of  disinterested  benevolence.  A  brother  asked,  "  Did  Mr. 
Ainsworth's  arguments  convince  you  ?  "  —  "  Oh,  no  !  "  Mr. 
Sprague  replied.  "  What  has  convinced  you  then  ?  "  he 
was  asked.  "  I'll  tell  you  what  has  convinced  me,"  said 
Mr.  Sprague.  "The  people  of  Jaffrey  pay  Brother  Ainsworth 
five  hundred  dollars  a  year  for  just  nothing  at  all." 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLEUGYMEN.  59 

Mr.  Spragiie  had  a  small  salary.  An  article  was  put  into 
the  town-warrant  to  see  if  the  town  would  increase  his  sal- 
arj'.  "When  the  article  came  up,  lie  rose,  and  said,  "  Mr. 
Moderator,  I  beg  of  you  not  to  increase  my  salary ;  for  it 
plagues  me  almost  to  death  to  collect  what  you  now  raise." 
Though  poor  in  the  early  part  of  his  ministry,  he  was  sub- 
sequently made  ricli  by  a  large  legacy  from  his  father's  es- 
tate. In  the  hope  of  being  his  heir  (a  hope  that  was  realized), 
the  parish  retained  him  as  their  minister;  though  they  were 
not  interested  in  his  preaching,  and  comparatively  few  at- 
tended public  worship.  He  gave  notice,  one  sabbath,  that 
a  strange  minister  would  occupy  his  pulpit  on  the  following 
sabbath.  Before  the  people  assembled,  he  entered  the  pulpit, 
and  secreted  himself  there  until  an  unusually  large  congre- 
gation was  collected ;  when  he  arose  in  his  place,  and  ex- 
claimed, ''•  Xow  Foe  got  you.  I  am  the  strange  minister 
advertised  to  preach  here  to-day." 

The  town  of  Dublin,  and  the  Unitarian  society  there, 
inherited  the  handsome  property  left  by  this  eccentric 
man. 


UNITARIAN   CLERGYMEN. 

Dr.  David  Babn'ES  was  accustomed  to  describe  the 
character  of  parties  he  married  and  buried,  and  generally 
contrived  to  do  this  without  giving  oflence.  Officiating  at 
the  funeral  of  a  respectable  parishioner  who  had  been  guilty 
of  an  immorality  in  early  life,  the  doctor,  after  having  dwelt 
upon  th».'  g<x>d  traits  in  Ins  character,  at  the  clo.so  of  a  sud- 
den pause  proceeded  :  "In  short,  we  know  nothing  against 
the  character  of  our  deceased  friend,  save  in  the  matter  of 
Uriah:  and  for  this  everybody  forgave  him;  but  he  could 
never  forgive  himself" 


QO  MIETHFULNESS. 

Dr.  Samuel  West  of  New  Bedford  was  told  that  the 
members  of  his  choir  had  given  out  that  they  should  not 
sing  on  the  next  sabbath,  in  consequence  of  some  difficulty 
which  had  arisen.  On  Sunday  morning,  the  doctor  gave 
out  his  hymn.  After  reading  it,  he  said  very  emphatically, 
"  You  will  begin  with  the  second  stanza,  — 

'  Lf  t  those  refuse  to  sing 
Who  never  knew  our  God.'  " 

The  hymn  was  sung. 

The  doctor,  being  in  Boston  on  a  Saturday,  did  not  reach 
his  home  until  meeting-time  sabbath  morning,  on  ac- 
count of  a  rain-storm.  While  in  Boston,  some  friend  had 
furnished  him  with  a  ruffled  shirt,  with  ruffles  upon  the 
wristbands  and  in  the  bosom.  Having  rode  in  the  rain  and 
mud,  his  ruffles  were  wet  and  dirty ;  but  there  was  not  time 
to  make  a  change.  His  daughter  buttoned  up  his  vest  so 
as  to  hide  the  bosom  ornaments  entirely,  and  tucked  the 
ruffles  in  about  the  wrists.  During  the  opening  services,  all 
went  well.  But,  probabl}'-  feeling  uneasy  about  the  wrists, 
he  twitched  at  them  till  the  ruffles  were  flourishing  about; 
and  then,  growing  warm  as  he  advanced,  he  unbuttoned  his 
vest,  and  exhibited  his  muddy  finery  in  a  manner  not  calcu- 
lated to  aid  him  in  the  spiritual  edification  of  his  hearers. 
Such  were  the  peculiarities  of  his  mind,  that  he  was  igno- 
rant of  his  unministerial  appearance  on  that  occasion,  and 
could  not  tell  who  furnished  him  with  his  ornamented 
shirt. 

Dr.  Barnes  of  Scituate  was  an  eccentric  man.  Being 
called  to  officiate  at  the  funeral  of  a  female  whose  sole 
mourner  was  an  adopted  son,  he  began  his  prayer  thus : 
"  Strange  kind  of  funeral  this.  Lord ;  very  strange !  Ko 
father,  no  mother,  no  brother,  nor  sister !    There's  a  young 


ANECDOTES  KESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  61 

man"  (suiting  the   action   to   the  word)  "that  calls  her 
mother." 

At  iin  ordination,  he  commenced  his  prayer  thus:  "0 
Lord  !  thou  knowest  that  it  is  ordination-day." 

Kev.  Joseph  Motley,  being  very  hostile  to  what  he 
understood  to  be  the  Hopkins  view  of  the  native  character 
of  man,  met  an  eminent  neighboring  clergyman  of  the 
Hopkinsian  class  one  day,  who  informed  him  that  an  infant 
daughter  hud  recently  become  a  member  of  his  family.  Dr. 
Motley  aj^ked  what  name  he  had  given  his  child.  "Ange- 
lina," was  the  reply.  "  Angelina !  "  said  Mr.  Motley  :  "  I 
should  think,  that,  with  your  notions,  you  would  call  her 
Beelzebula." 

A  parishioner  said  to  him  one  day,  "  Mr.  Motley,  you  are 
a  very  odd  man."  —  "  Yes,"  said  he  :  "  I  set  out  to  be  a  very 
good  man,  and  soon  found  that  I  could  not  be  without  being 
very  odd." 

Dr.  KiRKLAND,  President  of  Cambridge  College,  was 
thought  by  the  students  to  have  a  very  keen  irfsight  into 
character.  They  found  it  exceedingly  difficult  to  obtain 
leave  of  absence  on  a  false  pretence  of  being  unwell.  A 
youth  of  good  sentiments  and  purposes,  under  the  influence 
of  [>eculiar  temptation,  desiring  to  attend  a  ball  that  was  to 
come  off  in  iiis  native  town,  waited  upon  the  president,  and 
;:ilsely  represented  that  the  state  of  his  health  required  him 
ro  su.spend  studying  for  a  time,  and  return  to  his  homo. 
The  penetrating  eye  of  the  president  detected  the  secret 
embarrassment  wliich  a  sense  of  guilt  was  revealing,  while 
the  pretended  invalid  was  flattering  himself  with  the  belief 
that  he  was  acting  his  part  with  complete  success,  Ui)on 
hearing  this  statement,  the  president  took  his  pen,  and 
wrote  the  desired  leave  of  absence;  and,  as  he  handed  it  to 
the  guilty  applicant,  he  very  pleasantly  observed,  "  Physi- 


62  MIRTHFULNESS. 

cians  have  remarked  this  peculiarity  in  the  climate  of  Cam- 
bridge, —  that  sicknesses  prevail  within  the  jiTecincts  of  the 
college  in  a  greater  proportion  to  the  deaths  than  in  any 
other placeP  This  was  said  with  a  smile  so  pleasant,  and  a 
look  so  keen,  as  to  convince  the  guilty  youth  that  he  was 
detected,  and  to  cure  him  of  this  kind  of  deception. 

The  following  is  from  the  pen  of  Dr.  Stearns,  President 
of  Amherst  College:  "I  called  at  the  study  of  Dr.  Kirk- 
land  to  obtain  leave  of  absence  a  few  days  before  the  term 
closed.  He  hesitated,  and  made  sundry  inquiries.  He 
knew  the  character  of  my  religious  education  and  predilec- 
tions. At  length,  moving  upon  me  in  the  line  of  my  sup- 
posed prejudices,  he  said,  'I  don't  know,  Stearns,  about 
letting  you  go  now.  Perhaps  no  evil  would  come  of  it ;  but 
I  don't  know  what  might  be  the  consequences.  You  know 
that  there  is  a  special  providence.  I  once  heard  of  a  person 
who  was  going  along  by  a  tree  when  some  men  were  cutting 
it  down ;  and,  just  as  he  went  by,  the  tree  suddenly  fell,  and 
killed  him.  Now,  there  was  a  special  providence  in  it.  If 
he  had  gone  a  little  before,  or  a  little  after,  he  would  have 
been  safe ;  but,  going  just  as  he  did,  he  lost  his  life.'  I 
looked  at  him,  and  saw  there  was  fun  in  his  eye,  and  thought 
he  would  not  be  offended  by  an  answer  in  kind.  '  Well,  sir,' 
said  I  with  the  utmost  solemnity,  '  if  you  think  there  will 
be  danger  in  my  going  just  at  the  time  I  have  mentioned,  I 
can  go,  if  you  please,  a  little  before.''  —  'Well,  well,  Stearns,' 
said  he,  '  so  you  can.  There  is  something  in  that.  You 
may  go  ;   you  may  go.'  " 

Dr.  Bellows  of  ISTew  York  ijiade  the  following  record 
respecting  Dr.  William  Ware  :  "  Mr.  Ware  had  a  dry 
humor  about  him  very  delightful  to  his  intimate  friends. 
I  remember  his  walking  down  Broadway  with  me  the  day 
before  my  ordination  in  New- York  City  as  his  successor. 
Assuming  a  very  solemn  expression,  he  said,  '  Sir,  I  wish 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  C3 

to  give  you  ono  verj''  serious  piece  of  advice  in  entering 
upon  3'our  new  life  in  this  great  and  dangerous  city.'  I 
opened  m}'  ears  to  take  in  the  consummate  counsel,  in  which 
I  was  prepared  to  find  the  wisdom  of  his  life  and  ministry 
condensed.  *  Be  careful,  sir,  be  very  careful,  not  to  step  on 
the  cocd-lioles.  Slippery  pests  when  shut,  and  perilous  traps 
when  open,  they  certainly  are.'  " 

Rev.  Dr.  PiEUCE  of  Brookline,  Mass.,  had  a  rich  vein 
of  wit  and  humor,  from  which  he  drew  largely  for  his  own 
an  1  the  amusement  of  others.  He  exercised  a  truly  cath- 
olic spirit,  and  manifested  an  interest  in  all  parties  and 
measures  designed  for  good.  He  retained  a  life-interest  in 
the  Orthodox  Congi'egationalists,  whose  public  meetings 
he  used  to  attend  with  apparent  i)l('asure.  He  was  full 
of  anecdotes,  and  enjoyed  the  mirthful,  ever  wearing  a 
sinilin;^  countenance,  and  occasionally  indulging  in  a 
hearty  laugh.  Wlien  asked  why  he  mingled  so  much  with 
evangelical  Christians,  he  used  to^  say,  he  was  like  the 
negro  who  dreamed  that  he  died  and  went  to  the  gate  of 
lieaven,  and  the  porter  told  him  that  the  city  was  divided 
into  seotiuns,  each  one  of  which  was  occupied  b}'^  a  particu- 
lar denomination.  "  But,"  said  the  porter,  *•'  you,  Cuffee,  may 
go  where  you  mind  to."  His  ruling  passion  for  fun  was 
strong  in  his  season  of  weakness.  A  short  time  before  ho 
(lit'd,  when  the  infirmities  of  age  were  pressing  hard  upon 
him,  at  his  request  his  congregation  met  him  at  the  dunrh 
to  receive  his  farewell,  both  parties  knowing  that  the  time  of 
his  departure  was  at  hand.  He  was  conducted  to  an  arm- 
chair on  the  platform  in  front  of  the  pulpit.  When  the  time 
came  for  him  to  address  the  people,  he  was  unable  to  riso 
witliout  assistance.  He  was  aided  by  two  men,  one  lifting 
at  ejich  arm.  While  receiving  this  aid,  ho  remarked,  so  as 
to  be  heard  by  most  of  the  congregation,  "  I  no  longer  be- 
long to  the  risinf/  generation." 


64  MIRTH  FULNESS. 


EPISCOPAL  CLERGYMEK 

In  tlie  year  1766,  a  singing-master  went  to  Middletown, 
Conn.,  and  proposed  to  teach  the  young  people  the  art  of 
singing  "  fugue-tunes."  He  was  employed  by  the  Congre- 
gationalists,  who  had  previously  sung  "  Old  Hundred," 
"  Mear,"  "  Plymouth,"  **  Plympton,"  &c.  Knowing  that 
Bishop  Seabury  was  to  make  his  first  visitation  to  that 
town  about  the  time  his  school  would  close,  the  ambitious 
music-teacher  told  the  Episcopal  church  that  he  would 
teach  their  youth  without  charge,  and,  with  the  choir  of 
both  churches,  would  conduct  the  music  on  the  occasion  of 
the  contemplated  visitation.  Some  of  the  old  people  ob- 
jected to  the  proposal ;  but  it  was  accepted.  In  due  time, 
the  bisliop  arrived.  Great  preparation  was  made,  especially 
by  tlie  new  choir  of.  amalgamated  singers.  The  galleries 
were  crowded  with  four  solid  columns,  —  tenor,  counter, 
treble,  and  bass.  The  last  psalm  given  out  was  the  hun- 
dred and  thirty-third,  the  second  stanza  of  which  is  as 
follows :  — 

"  True  love  is  like  the  precious  oil, 
Which,  poured  on  Aaron's  head, 
Ban  down  Ms  beard,  and  o'er  his  robes 
Its  costly  moisture  shed." 

The  singing-master  gave  out  the  tune,  —  "  Montgomery." 
When  they  came  to  the  third  line  of  the  second  stanza,  the 
counter-solo  sang,  "  Han  down  his  beardy  Then  the  treble, 
then  the  tenor,  sang  the  same  words,  the  latter  succeeding 
the  former;  and,  to  complete  the  chorus,  the  bass,  with  sono- 
rous voice,  cried  out,  '■^  Han  down  his  beard.''''  To  clap  the 
climax,  the  stanza  was  repeated ;  thus  distinctly  declaring, 
eight  times,  that  the  oil  "  ran  down  his  beard.''^  After  the 
services,  the  singing-master,  with  many  distinguished  gen- 
tlemen, dined  with  the  bishop,  who  entertained  the  com- 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  65 

pany  with  his  superior  conversational  powers  on  various 
subjects,  but  made  no  allusion  to  the  performances  of  the 
choir.  When  a  portion  of  the  company,  including  the 
singing-master,  were  in  the  hall  preparing  to  retire,  the  dis- 
appointed musician  exclaimed  with  groat  agitation,  *'  Gen- 
tlemen, I  am  disappointed,  I  am  astonished ! "  One  of 
the  company  inquired,  "What  is  the  matter?" — "  Whj^, 
the  bishop  never  said  one  word  about  our  music.  I  am  sure 
he  never  heard  such  music,  even  in  London."  —  "  Do  j'^ou 
wish  the  bishop's  opinion  on  this  subject  ?  "  said  on6.  "  I 
do,"  said  the  teacher.  The  gentleman  stepped  back  into 
the  room,  leaving  the  door  partly  open,  and,  addressing  the 
bishop,  said,  "  Among  the  many  deeply-interesting  subjects 
of  this  day,  what  do  you  think  of  our  singing?" 

"  Wby,  sir,"  said  the  bishop,  "  I  do  not  feel  prepared  to 
express  an  opinion ;  for  my  sympathy  was  so  much  excited 
for  Aaron,  that  I  did  not  pay  that  attention  to  the  singing 
which  would  render  me  competent  to  judge  of  it." 
"  Pray,  sir,  why  such  sympathy  for  Aaron  ?  " 
"  Why,  sir,  I  was  fearful,  that,  by  running  down  his  beard 
eif/ht  times,  they  would  not  leave  a  single  hair  on  his 
face." 

This  pro<luced  a  hearty  laugh  among  the  gentlemen,  and 
the  following  exclamation  from  the  singing-master:  — 
"  An  old  fi->(^l !  1I(!  is  no  judge  of  music  at  all  !  " 
An  Episcopal  clergyman,  called  to  officiate  at  a  funeral 
and  a  wedding,  on  exchange  with  a  clerical  brother,  told  his 
family,  on  his  return  home,  that  he  had  buried  a  Tankard 
and  married  a  Pitcher,  referring  to  the  names  of  the  two 
families  ho  liad  visited ;  the  one   in   sorrow,  and   the  other 

i"  joy- 

Till-   widow  of   Dr.   J<ilni    II.   Rice   gives    the    following 
account  of  Dr.  John  Huciianan:  — 

"lie  had  an  exuberance  of  good   biimor;  and  was  never 


66  MIETHFULNESS. 

reluctant  to  either  give  or  take  a  joke,  ao  tliere  might  be 
occasion.  As  he  was  an  Arminian  in  his  religious  views, 
my  husband  used  to  hold  discussions  with  him  on  points  of 
difference  between  them.  Once,  when  they  were  talking 
earnestly  upon  the  subject  of  free  agency,  Dr.  Eice,  by  way 
of  illustrating  his  freedom,  got  up,  and  walked  across  the 
room. 

"'Ah!'  said  Dr.  Buchanan  jocosely,  'you  maybe  free 
here,  in  a  bachelor's  study ;  but  I  doubt  whether  you  are 
free  sSt  home.' " 

Dr.  Buchanan  was  a  very  benevolent  man.  A  person 
called  upon  him,  professing  to  be  a  clergyman,  who  had  lost 
his  trunk  and  money,  and  had  not  the  means  of  reaching 
home.  The  doctor  gave  him  an  order  on  the  treasurer  of  a 
charitable  association,  of  which  he  was  president,  for  twenty 
dollars,  to  enable  him  to  prosecute  his  journey  homeward. 
The  treasurer  thought  that  the  beneficiary  bearing  the 
order  was  a  female  ;  and  to  satisfy  himself  that  the  whiskers 
were  put  on  for  a  deceptive  purpose,  pretending  to  poke  off 
something  that  had  lighted  on  them,  he  poked  so  hard,  that 
the  whiskers  fell  from  the  pretended  parson's  face,  which 
proved  to  be  the  face  of  a  woman.  The  treasurer  afterward 
exulted  over  the  doctor,  claiming  superior  discernment  in 
discovering  the  impostor.  The  doctor  replied,  "  Your  suc- 
cess only  shows  your  familiarity  with  bad  society." 

Kev.  Dr.  Harris,  for  many  years  President  of  Columbia 
College,  was  previously  a  Congregationalist  minister,  and 
Dr.  Lyell  had  been  a  Methodist  preacher.  Both  of  these 
divines  were  distinguished  for  their  wit  and  humor,  and 
were  accustomed  to  indulge  in  innocent  jokes.  These  gen- 
tlemen, in  their  pleasant  social  intercourse,  would  sometimes 
be  rather  sharply  witty,  without,  however,  disturbing  the 
friendly  feeling  that  existed  between  them. 

On  one  occasion,  in  the  midst  of  conversation,  Dr.  Harris 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN,  67 

said,  "  Brother  Lyell,  how  did  you  ever  get  into  the  Episco- 
pal Church?" 

"'  And  pray,  Brother  Harris,  how  did  you  ever  get  into 
it?" 

"  Oh  !  '  with  a  great  price  obtained  I  this  freedom.' " 

"  '  But  I  was  free-born.' " 

This  ready  reply  had  reference  to  the  fact  that  his  parents 
were  Episcopalians,  who  caused  his  baptism  in  infancy. 
Dr.  Lyell  always  retained  a  friendl}'  feeling  toward  Method- 
ists, and  often  said  that  he  was  never  so  well  supported  as 
while  in  their  service.  He  entertained  great  respect  for 
Bishop  Asbury.  Speaking  highly  of  the  pioneer  bishop  in 
company  with  several  of  his  clerical  brethren,  one  of  them 
remarked,  that  he  had  one  good  trait  in  his  character;  "Ae 
was  not  ashamed  of  Jiis  poor  relations." 


PRESBYTERI.VN   CLERGYMEK 

In  1755,  Rev.  Charles  Beatty  was  invited  to  become 
chaplain  to  the  Pennsylvania  troops  that  were  about  to  be 
sent,  under  the  command  of  Dr.  Franklin,  to  defend  the 
north-western  frontiers  of  the  State ;  and  accepted  the  invi- 
tation. With  respect  to  that  canii)aign,  Franklin  made  the 
following  amusing  record :  "  Wc  had  for  our  chaplain  a 
zealous  I'rcsljyterian  minister,  ^Ir.  lieatty,  who  complained 
that  the  men  did  not  generally  attend  his  ])rayers  and  ex- 
hortations. Wlien  they  enlisted,  they  were  promised,  besides 
l»ay  and  provisions,  a  gill  of  rum  a  day ;  which  was  punctu- 
ally served  out  to  them,  lialf  in  the  morning,  and  half  in  the 
evening.  And  I  oI).s('rv'('d  they  were  {)unctual  in  attending 
to  riM-(Mve  it:  upon  which  1  Hai<l  to  Mr.  Beatty,  'It  is,  per- 
haps, below  the  dignity  of  your  profession  to  act  as  steward 
of  tlio  rum ;  but,  if  you  would  distribute  out  only  just  after 
prayers,  you  would  liave  them  all  about  you.'     Ho  liked  tho 


68  MIRTHFULNESS. 

thought,  jndertook  the  work,  and,  with  the  help  of  a  few 
hands  to  measure  out  the  liquor,  executed  it  to  general  sat- 
isfaction ;  and  never  were  prayers  more  generally  and  more 
punctually  attended.  So  that  I  think  this  method  prefera- 
ble to  the  punishment  inflicted  by  some  military  laws  for 
non-attendance  on  divine  service." 

Rev.  JoHisr  Strain  of  New  Jersey  was  a  very  sedate 
man,  and  a  very  solemn  and  impressive  preacher.  At  the 
Synod  of  Philadelphia,  Mr.  Strain  acted  as  clerk.  One  day, 
when  he  dined  with  Dr.  DufSeld,  who  was  fond  of  a  joke, 
the  latter  slipped  into  the  coat-pocket  of  the  .former,  in 
which  were  many  papers  of  the  synod,  a  pack  of  cards, 
loosely  rolled  up  in  a  paper.  When  they  returned  to  the 
church,  and  the  session  was  opened.  Strain  arose  to  read  a 
paper,  and,  thrusting  his  hand  into  his  pocket,  drew  out  the 
cards,  and  scattered  them  over  the  table  and  the  floor. 
Duifleld  enjoyed  the  fun.  The  clerk,  nohow  embarrassed, 
but  with  awful  solemnity,  looking  at  Dr.  DuflSeld,  said, 
"  When  I  see  that  man  in  the  jjulpit,  I  am  so  delighted  and 
edified  with  his  preaching,  that  I  feel  as  if  he  ought  never 
to  come  out ;  but,  when  I  see  his  levity  out  of  the  pulpit,  I 
am  disposed  to  think  he  never  should  enter  it  again." 

Rev.  Samuel  Taggart,  a  Presbyterian  clergyman  in 
New  England,  and  fourteen  years  a  member  of  Congress, 
was  somewhat  distinguished  both  as  a  minister  and  a  poli- 
tician. While  at  a  tavern,  near  Albany,  one  evening,  a 
man  from  Albany  related  some  interesting  event,  employing 
many  profane  words.  Mr.  Taggart  turned  to  him,  and  said, 
"  Sir,  you  are  a  stranger  to  me :  but  you  appear  to  be  a 
person  of  intelligence  and  integrity ;  and  I  should  be  willing 
to  take  your  word  without  an  oath,  and  I  presume  the  rest 
of  the  company  would  likewise."  The  speaker  received  the 
reproof  kindly,  and  apologized  for  liis  profanity. 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING  CLERGYMEN.  69 

Julin  Randolph,  being  with  Mr.  Taggart  in  Congress,  said 
to  him,  with  characteristic  keenness,  "'With  whom  hast 
thou  left  those  few  sheep  in  the  wilderness?'"  (1  Sam. 
xvii.  28.) 

Dr.  Stepuex  B.  Balch,  a  humorous  Presbyterian  clergy- 
man of  eminent  social  qualities,  used  to  urge  young  ministers 
to  marry  as  soon  as  they  were  settled.  As  he  was  often 
appointed  "  to  give  the  charge  "  to  newly-installed  pastors, 
he  frequently  hinted  at  what  he  regarded  a  duty  on  this 
subject  in  that  solemn  exercise.  On  one  of  these  occasions, 
he  sai<l,  with  a  peculiar  archness  of  tone  and  manner  which 
produced  a  general  smile,  "  '  A  bishop '  must  not  only  be 
'  blameless,'  but  '  the  husband  of  one  wife.'  " 

Dr.  John  Breckexridge  of  Kentucky  was  met  one  day 
by  a  gentleman  and  lady,  the  former  of  whom  strongly 
objected  to  Dr.  Breckenridge's  Calviiiistic  sentiments,  while 
lie  greatly  admired  his  character  and  talents.  lie  intro- 
duced the  lady  as  his  wife  ;  adding  sportively,  "  Dr.  Breck- 
enridge,  my  wife  is  one  of  your  sort  of  folks.  She  believes 
that  what  is  to  be  will  be." 

"  Ah  ! "  said  the  doctor ;  "  and  I  suppose  we  are  to  under- 
stand that  you  are  one  of  the  sort  who  believe  that  what  is 
to  be  won't  be." 

CLERGYiyrEN   OP  OTOER  COUNTRIES. 

Robert  IIali.,  an  English  Baptist  clergyman  of  great 
distinction,  possessed  a  rich  vein  of  wit.  On  one  occasion, 
he  wa-s  invited,  tlie  principal  guest,  to  a  large  dinner-party. 
The  bwly  of  tlx^  house  [in-purtMl  cvi-ry  didicacy  the  season 
fiirnishcil,  and  laid  out  the  table  in  the  lirst  style  of  ele- 
gatu;e.  On  the  party  being  assembled,  alid  while  taking 
their  unuta,  she  began    to  apologize   to   Mr.  Hall  that  she 


70  MIIJTHFULNESS. 

could  only  offer  him  so  plain  a  dinner,  professed  her  great 
sorrow,  and  hoped  he  would  excuse  the  absence  of  better 
entertainment.  Grieved  with  so  gross  a  Adolation  of  pro- 
priety and  Christian  simplicity,  Mr.  Hall  retorted  with  con- 
siderable severity  of  manner,  "  Well,  madam,  why  did  you 
not  get  something  better?  you  knew  that  I  was  coming." 
At  a  missionary-meeting,  Mr.  Hall  and  an  aged  minister 
both  spoke,  the  former  in   an   address,  and   the  latter  in  a 

sermon.     The   sermon  by  Mr. was  a  striking  contrast 

to  the  address  by  Mr.  Hall.  The  one  was  light,  ludicrous, 
and  triiiing;  the  other  solemn,  instructive,  and  energetic. 
At  the  close  of  the  day,  when  both  parties  met  around  the 
social  hearth,  Mr.  Hall  became  lively,  and  extremely 
amusing.  ''  Brother  Hall,"  said  the  old  gentleman,  "  I 
am  surprised  at  you."  — "  Surprised  at  me,  sir  ?  why  are 
you  surprised  at  me  ?  "  —  "■  Why,  Brother  Hall,  it  appears 
inconsistent  for  you  to  indulge  in  frivolous  conversation 
after  delivering  so  serious  a  discourse."  — "  Indeed,  sir," 
replied  Mr.  Hall,  "  I-  don't  think  I  am  by  any  means  in- 
consistent ;  for  the  truth  is.  Brother ,  I  keep  my  non- 
sense for  the  fireside,  while  you  publish  yours  from  the 
pulpit." 

Mr.  Hall,  being  an  independent  man,  often  winced  under 
the  control  exercised,  or  attempted  to  be  exercised,  by  Eng- 
lish dissenters  over  the  preaching  of  their  pastors.  Dr. 
Chalmers  told  the  following  anecdote  of  him:  ''A  mem- 
ber of  his  flock,  presuming  on  his  weight  and  influence  in 
tlie  congregation,  took  him  to  task  for  not  more  frequently 
and  fully  preaching  predestination  ;  and  expressed  the  hope, 
that,  in  future,  this  subject  would  receive  more  attention 
from  him.  Mr.  Hall,  feeling  indignant,  looked  steadily  at 
his  censor  for  a  time,  and  then  replied,  "Sir,  I  perceive 
that  you  are  predestinated  to  be  an  ass  ;  and,  what  is  more, 
I  see  that  you  are  determined  '  to  make  your  calling  and 
election  sure,' " 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  71 

Mr.  Hall,  being  unsuccessful  in  securing  the  hand  of  a 
Miss  Steel,  while  smarting  under  his  disappointment  took 
tea  with  a  company  of  ladies ;  one  of  whom,  the  lady  of  the 
house,  said  in  bad  taste,  "  You  are  dull,  Mr.  Hall ;  and  we 
have  no  polished  steel  here  to  brighten  you."  —  "  0  mad- 
am ! "  replied  Mr.  Hall,  "  that  is  of  no  consequence :  you 
have  plenty  of  polished  brass." 

There  lived  in  the  neighborhood  a  minister,  a  worthy  lit- 
tle man,  of  an  amiable  disposition,  but  very  self-conceited. 
He  would  intrude  himself  into  Mr.  Hall's  company,  greatly 
to  his  annoyance,  and  tjien  go  away  and  Itoast  of  his  inti- 
macy with  that  distinguished  divine.  On  a  Saturday  morn- 
ing, he  begged  permission  to  see  Mr.  Hall  for  a  moment  or 
two  on  impoi'fant  Inisiness.  Having  gained  access  to  his 
study,  the  little  man  began  to  make  an  apology  for  the 
intrusion,  and  to  say,  that,  being  in  town,  he  thought  he 
must  call  and  see  his  friend  Hall,  &c.  Mr.  Hall  stopped 
him  in  the  midst  of  his  harangue,  and  said,  "  My  dear 
friend,  do  not  apologize.  I  am  glad  to  see  you :  indeed,  I 
was  never  more  delighted  to  see  a  man  in  my  life.  Why, 
sir,  I  had  Sir  James  Mackintosh  here  till  three  o'clock  this 
morning;  and  his  conversation,  sir,  has  absolutely  carried 
me  away  to  the  third  heavens.  Why,  sir,  it  is  more  than  I 
can  sustain.  I  am  glad  ?/ou  have  come ;  for  i/ou  will  soon 
compel  me  to  fuel  that  I  am  yet  among  the  creeping/  tilings 
of  earth." 

Rev.  Rowland  Hill,  pastor  of  Calvinistic  dissenters, 
preached  in  Sum-}'  Chapel  nearly  fifty  years,  and,  dying  in 
18o3,  was  buried  in  a  vault  under  the  chapel.  During  his 
ministrj',  he  interlarded  his  sernums  with  many  pregnant 
anecdotes  and  witticisms  and  sallies  of  humor  whicii  were 
regarded  unorthodox.      He  drew  large  congregati(»iis. 

Preaching  for  a  j>ublic  charity,  a  note  was  hatidcd  him, 
inquiring  if  it  would   be  riglit  for  a  bankrupt  to  contribute. 


72  MIRTHFULNESS. 

He  read  the  note  in  the  course  of  his  sermon,  and  said  it 
was  not  the  duty  of  such  a  man  to  contribute.  "But,  my 
friends,"  he  added,  "  I  would  advise  you  who  are  not  insol- 
vent not  to  pass  the  plate  this  evening,  as  people  will  be 
sure  to  say,  '  There  goes  the  bankrupt  ! '  " 

One  wet  day,  a  number  of  persons  entered  his  chapel  to 
gain  shelter  from  a  heavy  shower  of  rain ;  when  he  re- 
marked, "  that  many  people  had  been  blamed  for  making 
religion  a  cloak;  but  he  did  not  think  they  were  much  better 
who  made  religion  an  umbrella  !  " 

He  was  kind  and  charitable  to  .the  poor ;  but  had  great 
intolerance  of  dirt  and  slovenliness.  In  visiting  families 
living  in  poverty  and  filth,  he  would  say,  "Here,  madam, 
is  a  trifle  for  you  to  buy  some  soap  and  a  scrubbing-brush : 
there  is  plenty  of  water  to  be  had  for  nothing." 

Mr.  Hill    told  the    following    story   respecting  himself: 

'^  His  E,oyal  Highness  the  Duke  of was  in  the  chair, 

and  kindly  desired  me  to  sit  next  to  him.  A  man  made  a 
long,  tiresome  speech,  which  caused  many  to  leave  the  house. 
The  presiding  officer  whispered  to  me,  '  Really,  Mr.  Hall,  I 
do  not  think  I  can  sit  to  hear  such  another  speech  as  this. 
I  wish  you  would  give  one  of  your  good-natured  hints.' 
It  was  my  turn  next :  so  I  said,  '  May  it  please  your  Royal 
Highness,  ladies,  and  gentlemen,  I  am  not  going  to  make 
either  a  long  or  a  moving  speech.  The  first  is  a  rudeness ; 
and  the  second  is  not  required  to-day,  after  the  very  moving 
one  you  have  just  heard,  —  so  moving,  that  several  of  the 
company  have  been  moved  out  of  the  room ;  naj^,  I  even 
feared  would  so  move  his  Royal  Highness  himself,  that  he 
would  be  unable  to  continue  in  the  chair,  and  would,  to  the 
great  regret  of  the  meeting,  be  obliged  to  m^ove  off.' "  This 
tickled  the  presiding  officer  and  the  assembly,  and  put  a 
stop  to  long  speeches.  Mr.  Hall  and  wife  were  attacked  by 
robbers  one  night ;  and  he  made  such  tremendous  unearthly 
shoutings,  that  one  of  the  robbers  exclaimed,  "  We  have 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  73 

stopped  the  Devil  by  mistake,  and  better  be  off."     They  all 
fled,  and  left  the  frightened  couple  to  enjoy  their  absence. 

Wlien  Rev.  Sydney  Smith  was  at  Edinburgh,  a  certain 
gentleman  was  the  paramount  bore  ;  and  his  ridden-to-death 
hobby  was  the  north  pole.  No  one  escaped  him.  Jeffrey 
fled  from  him  whenever  he  could,  regarding  him  a  great 
tormentor:  but  meeting  him  in  a  narrow  lane,  where  es- 
cape was  impossible,  the  everlasting  subject  was  introduced; 
and  he  rushed  past  the  unendurable  bore,  exclaiming,  in  his 
rage,  *'  The  north  pole  ! '' 

!Mr.  Smith  met  the  fellow  a  short  time  after,  very  indig- 
nant at  Jeffrey's  contempt  for  the  north  pole.  "  0  my 
dear  fellow  !  "  said  Smith,  "  never  mind :  no  one  minds  what 
Jeffrey  says,  you  know.  lie  is  a  privileged  person  :  he  re- 
spects nothing,  absolutely  nothing.  Why,  you  will  scarcely 
believe  it,  but  it  is  not  more  than  a  week  ago  that  I  heard 
him  speak  disrespectfully  of  the  equator  f^ 

Calling  upon  a  fellow-writer  in  "The  Edinburgh  Re- 
view," Mr.  Smith  found  him,  to  his  surprise,  actually  read- 
ing a  book  for  the  purpose  of  reviewing  it.  Having  ex- 
pressed his  astonishment  in  the  strongest  terms,  his  friend 
inquired  how  he  managed  wlien  performing  the  critical 
ofiice. 

"  Oh  ! "  said  Mr.  Smith,  "  I  never  read  a  book  before  re- 
viewing it :  it  prejudices  a  man  so  ! " 

Of  Mr.  Smith,  Samuel  Rogers  observes,  "Whenever 
the  conversation  is  getting  dull,  he  throws  in  some  touch 
which  makes  it  rebound,  and  rise  again  as  light  as  ever. 
There  is  this  differeno(f  between  Luttrell  and  Smith  :  After 
Luttrell,  you  reincnibored  wliat  good  things  lie  said  ;  after 
Smith,  you  merely  remcinberiHl  how  nuich  you  laughed." 

Mr.  Rogers  said,  "When  I  began  to  liglit  my  dinner- 
table  from  the  reflection  of  the  pictures  in  the  room,  I  was 
not  very  successful.     The  light  was  thrown  above  the  table, 


74  MIKTHFULNESS. 

and  not  on  it.  I  asked  Sydney  what  he  thought  of  the  at- 
tempt. We  were  at  dinner  at  the  time.  '  I  do  not  like  it 
at  all/  was  the  reply :  '  all  is  light  above,  and  all  below  is 
darkness,  and  gnashing  of  teeth.' " 

Speaking  of  a  certain  lady,  Mr.  Smith  said  he  had  more 
fondness  for  her  than  it  was  strictly  ecclesiastical  to  own. 

When  asked  to  attend  the  opera,  Mr.  Smith  said  he  loved 
music  but  little,  hated  acting,  and  regarded  it  out  of  eti- 
quette for  a  canon  of  St.  Paul's  to  attend  upon  such  an  enter- 
tainment. When  etiquette  forbade  his  doing  any  thing  dis- 
agreeable to  himself,  he  said  he  was  a  perfect  martinet. 

Dr.  Macknight,  author  of  an  elaborate  commentary  on 
the  Epistles,  was  overtaken  by  a  sharp  shower  in  coming  to 
church  one  day.  In  the  vestry,  and  before  the  service 
began,  the  attendants  were  doing  all  in  their  power  to  make 
him  comfortable,  and  prepare  him  for  his  work,  by  rubbing 
him  with  towels  and  other  appliances.  The  good  man  was 
much  discomposed,  and  was  ever  and  anon  impatiently  ex- 
claiming, "  Oh,  I  wish  that  I  was  dry  !  "  and  repeating  often, 
"Do  ye  think  I  am  dry  eneuch  now?"  Dr.  Henry,  his 
colleague,  who  was  present,  was  a  jocose  man,  of  much  quiet 
humor.  He  could  not  resist  the  opportunity  of  a  little  hit 
at  his  friend's  style  of  preaching :  so  he  patted  him  on  the 
shoulder  with  the  encouraging  remark,  "  Bide  a  wee,  doctor, 
bide  a  wee,  and  ye's  be  dry  eneuch  when  ye  get  into  the 
pulpit." 

A  friend  of  a  Scotch  preacher  named  Bakrow  said  of 
him,  "He  is  so  minute  and  full  in  his  analysis  and  applica- 
tion, that  he  exhausts  his  subject."  —  "Yes,"  said  another 
friend,  "  and  sometimes  he  exhausts  his  hearers  too." 

It  is  told  of  John  Wesley,  that,  when  he"*saw  some  of 
his  hearers  asleep,  he  stopped  in  his  discourse,  and  shouted, 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  75 

"  Fire,  fire  !  "      The  people  were  alarmed  ;  and  some  one 

cried  out,   "Where,   sir?  —  where?"      To  which  Wesley 

earnestly   and   solemnly  replied,   "In   hell,  for  those   who 
sleep  under  the  preaching  of  the  Word." 

Dean  Swift  published  "A  Sermon  upon  Sleeping  in 
Church,"   from  which  the  following  is  an  extract :  — 

Text,  Acts  XX.  9.  —  The  account  of  Eutychus  falling 
asleep  during  the  preaching  of  Paul,  and  being  taken  up 
dead.     He  commenced  with  this  sarcastic  remark :  — 

"  I  have  chosen  these  words,  with  the  design,  if  possible, 
to  disturb  some  part  of  this  audience  of  half  an  hour's 
sleep ;  for  the  convenience  and  exercise  thereof,  this  place, 
at  this  season  of  the  day,  is  t^er)/  much  celebrated."  In  allu- 
sion to  Eutychus  sleeping  in  the  window,  he  said,  "  Preach- 
ers now  in  the  world,  however  they  may  exceed  St.  Paul  in 
the  art  of  putting  men  to  sleep,  do  exceedingly  fall  short  of 
.  him  in  the  power  of  working  miracles:  therefore  hearers  are 
become  more  cautious,  so  as  to  choose  more  safe  and  con- 
^venient  stations  and  postures  for  their  repose,  without  haz- 
ard of  their  persons;  and,  upon  the  whole  matter,  choose 
rather  to  trust  their  destruction  to  a  miracle  than  their 
safety." 

CuAiiBE,  in  his  poem,  "The  Parish  Register,"  grajjlii- 
cally  di'scribes  the  effects  of  a  new  vicar  upon  certain  indi- 
vi<lual.s  of  a  congregation  who  were  addicted  to  the  somno- 
b'ut  practice  thus  :  — 

"  Ho  such  gad  coil  with  words  of  vongoance  kept, 
That  our  best  sleepers  startled  an  they  slept." 

In  a  certain  parish  in  Scotland,  an  <jM  ck'rgyin.in,  who 
had  got  a  strong-lunged  helper,  observed  that  one  of  bis 
hearers  was  Lecomiiig  rather  irregular  ill  his  attendance  at 
cbufth.     Of  course,  the  divine  felt  it  his  duty  to  visit  tlio 


76  MlllTHFULNESS. 

backslider,  and  accordingly  went  to  his  house  ;  but  the  gude- 
man  was  not  in.  He  inquired  of  the  wife  why  John  was  so 
seldom  at  church  now. 

"Oh!  indeed,  minister,"  she  replied,  without  the  least 
hesitation,  "  that  young  man  yeVe  got  roars  sae  loud,  that 
John  canna  sleep  sae  comfortable  as  he  did  when  preachin' 
yersel  sae  peaceably." 

A  Methodist  preacher,  a«collier  in  the  district  of  Somer- 
set, gave  out  for  a  text,  "  I  can  do  all  things."  He  then 
paused,  and,  looking  at  the  Bible  keenly,  said,  in  his  own 
Somersetshire  dialect,  "  What's  that  thee  says,  Mr.  Paul  ? 
'  I  can  do  all  things  '  ?  I'll  bet  thee  a  crown  o'  that,"  tak- 
ing a  crown  from  his  vest-pocket,  and  placing  it  on  the 
open  Bible.  "  However,"  he  added,  "  let's  see  what  the 
apostle  has  to  say  for  himself."  So  he  read  the  next  words, 
"  through  Christ  that  strengtheneth  me."  —  "  Oh  !  "  says  he, 
"  if  that's  the  terms  of  the  bet,  I'm  off."  And  he  put  tlie 
crown  into  his  pocket,  and  preached  his  sermon  on  the 
power  of  Christian  grace. 

A  certain  preacher,  candidate  for  a  lectureship,  was 
required  to  preach  a  discourse  before  the  trustees  of  the 
endowment  in  the  way  of  competition.  To  show  his  inge- 
nuity in  sermonizing,  he  took  for  his  text  the  single  word 
"  but.^'  He  deduced  from  thence  the  great  truth  and  im- 
portant doctrine,  that  no  position  is  without  some  corre- 
sponding cross  -or  opposite  trial.  Naaman  was  a  mighty 
man  of  valor,  and  honorable  ;  but  he  was  a  leper.  The  five 
cities  of  the  plain  were  fruitful  as  the  garden  of  Eden ;  but 
the  men  of  Sodom  were  awful  sinners.  I  called  you ;  but  ye 
answered  not.  Come;  for  all  things  are  ready:  but  they 
would  not  come ;  and  so  on.  When  the  clerical  competitor 
came  down  to  the  vestry,  the  senior  trustee  of  the  lecture- 
ship met  him,  and  politely  remarked,  "  Sir,  you  gave  us  a 
most  ingenious  discourse,  and  we  are  much  obhged  t«  you ; 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  77 

hut  we  don't  think  that  you  are  the  preacher  that  will  do 
for  us." 

Rev.  J.  H.  BoxxAR  was  one  day  preaching  at  Kettle,  in 
Fife,  for  his  friend,  the  relief-minister  thereof.  It  was  a  very 
warm  day,  and  the  church  was  closely  packed.  He  observed, 
with  some  annoyance,  many  of  the  congregation  nodding 
and  sleeping  while  he  was  preaching.  About  the  middle 
of  his  sermon,  he  used  the  word  *'  hyperbolical ; "  and,  paus- 
ing a  moment,  he  said,  "  Now,  my  friends,  some  of  you  may 
not  understand  this  word  hijperhoUcal.  I'll  explain  it. 
Suppose  I  were  to  say  that  this  congregation  are  all  asleep 
at  the  present  time,  I  should  speak  hyperbolically  ;  because  " 
(looking round)  "I  don't  believe  that  more  than  one-half  of 
you  are  sleeping."  The  nodders  recovered  themselves  ;  and 
the  sleepers,  by  the  nudging  of  their  neighbors,  were  thor- 
oughly aroused. 


]^rETHODIST    CLERGYMEN 

Francis  Asbury,  the  first,  and  appropriately  called 
"  Pione(*r  Bishop  of  the  American  Methodist-Episcopal 
Church,"  with  all  his  seriousness,  occasionally  indulged  in 
the  humorous.  He  approved  of  marriage ;  but  could  not, 
consistently  with  his  wandering  life,  avail  himself  of  its 
benefits.  lie  was  opposed  to  liis  preachers'  marrying,  be- 
cause it  took  them  from  their  travelling  labors,  and,  in 
many  instances,  deprived  the  Church  of  their  ministerial 
services. 

"  In  Virginia  there  was  a  circuit,  where  the  preachers  sent 
among  the  peojjle  almost  always  obtained  wives  during  tlicir 
service.  The  bishop,  supposing  (he  women  slioiild  bo 
blamed  for  this  state  of  things,  thought  to  forostall  th(MU 
by  sending  to  the  circuit  two  (lc<Ti'pit  old  nn-n,  in  the  belief 


78  MIRTHFULNESS. 

tliat  no  one  woulfl  try  to  allure  them  into  the  bonds  of 
wedlock.  But,  to  his  surprise,  both  of  them  married  during 
the  year  ;  and,  upon  hearing  of  his  experiment,  he  remarked, 
'  I  am  afraid  the  women  and  the  Devil  will  get  all  my 
preachers.' " 

At  a  conference  in  Baltimore,  in  1824,  a  distinguished 
clergyman  made  a  long  and  able  speech  on  a  very  exciting 
subject,  during  which  he  was  frequently  interrupted  without 
being  apparently  disturbed.  At  dinner,  several  preachers 
being  present,  one  who  had  taken  strong  grounds  in  oppo- 
sition to  the  speaker,  and  had  joined  with  others  to  interrupt 
and  silence  him,  turning  to  him,  said,  "Brother  Ostrander, 
you  beat  all  the  men  I  ever  saw :  it  seems  to  me,  that,  if 
twenty  jackasses  should  run  over  you  when  you  were  speak- 
ing, they  would  not  break  the  thread  of  your  discourse." 
Mr.  Ostrander  replied,  "I  think  I  have  been  pretty  well 
tried  in  that  way  this  morning." 

Rev.  Mr.  Vari^et,  a  presiding  elder,  made  an  address  at 
a  quarterly  meeting,  which  contained  the  following :  "  I 
have  some  things  against  you,  my  brethren :  you  drink  too 
much  whiskey ;  you  complain  that  the  water  is  not  good. 
But  look  at  me  :  I  drink  no  whiskey ;  and  see  how  hale  and 
healthy  I  am.  Leave  off  whiskey,  and  the.  water  will  not 
harm  you."  Turning  to  the  sisters,  he  said,  "How  kind, 
how  very  kind,  you  have  been  to  me  !  and  I  have  much  rea- 
son to  love  you.  But  I  have  something  against  you  also. 
You  wear  those  bag-bellows  sleeves,  and  you  think  they  are 
handsome  ;  but  you  greatly  mistake.  They  don't  look  half 
so  well  as  you  think  they  do.  I  advise  you  to  leave  them 
off,  and  be  contented  to  be  plain  Methodists." 

At  a  certain  camp-meeting,  manj?-  years  ago,  when  these 
meetings  were  not  protected  as  they  now  are,  a  company 
"  of  lewd  fellows  of  the  baser  sort "  were  very  troublesome, 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  79 

commencing  their  operations  on  tlie  first  day  of  the  meet- 
ing. The  preacher  selected  for  his  text,  "  And  the  herd 
run  violently  down  a  steep  place  into  the  lake,  and  were 
choked."  He  commenced  with  some  striking  remarks 
upon  the  general  policy  of  Satan,  showing  that  he  cared 
not  what  means  he  used  for  the  accomplishment  of  an  ob- 
ject, if  they  might  only  prove  successful.  Thus,  when  he 
was  dislodged  from  a  man,  he  was  willing  to  enter  swine,  if, 
by  so  A)ing,  he  could  prejudice  men  against  Christ.  In  this 
manoeuvre  he  was,  in  the  instance  here  recorded,  very  suc- 
cessful. "But,"  said  the  preacher,  "let  us  consider  the 
text  in  the  order  of  the  thoughts  it  suggests :  1st,  We  will 
notice  the  herd  into  which  the  devils  enter;  2d,  The  dri- 
vers employed  ;  and,  3d,  The  market  they  are  going  to." 
AVliile  describing  his  imaginary  market,  the  rowdies  left  the 
ground  in  haste,  acknowledging  themselves  whipped. 

On  a  certain  occasion,  tlie  question  before  conference  was, 
"  Shall  the  rule  of  the  !Methodi.st  Church  be  rescinded  which 
forbids  the  marriage  of  a  believer  with  an  unbeliever  ? " 
Ezekiel  Cooper  and  Jesse  Lee,  both  bachelors,  were  present, 
and  took  part  in  the  discussion.  Cooper  was  against  the 
rule,  on  the  ground,  as  he  said,  that  it  imposed  Homish 
(^libacy  ;  for,  as  there  were  so  many  more  pious  women  than 
men  in  tlie  world  (full  three  to  two  in  the  Methodist  Church), 
it  was  obvious  tliat  females  must  either  bo  forced  to  celibacyj 
or  excluded  from  the  church.  "And  wliat,"  said  he,  "  sliall 
the  poor  creatures  do  ?  "  Lee  replied  to  his  bachelor-brother, 
that  liis  argument  would  have  had  much  more  weight  if  it 
had  emanated  from  a  different  source.  "  lie  cries  out,"  said 
he,  "'Poor  things!  what  will  they  do?'  wlioii  lie  will  not 
lift  a  finger  to  help  tliein  !  " 

A  Methodist  pre:u:her,  on  ;i  cin  iiit  many  years  ago,  ln'ld 
a cIuM.s-mceting one  evening;  and,  having  gonu  through  witli 


80  MIRTHFULNESS. 

the  names  on  the  class-paper,  he  approached  an  elderly  man, 
sitting  afar  off,  and  inquired  for  his  soul's  welfare.  The 
man,  after  taking  time  to  prepare  his  answer,  squared  him- 
self round,  and  said,  "  I  am  like  old  Paul :  '  when  I  would  do 
good,  evil  is  present  with  me.' "  The  preacher  replied,  "  I'm 
afraid  you  are  like  old  Noah  too ;  get  drunk  sometimes." 
This  was  a  centre-shot ;  for  the  poor  old  man  was  a  drunk- 
ard. 

• 

Rev.  Dak"Iel  Asbury  was  a  witty  man,  and  dealt  largely 
in  amusing  anecdotes.     Preaching  to  a  drowsy  congrega- 
tion, he  paused,  and  said,  "  Just  see  what  the  Devil  is  doing 
here:    these  dear  people    want   to    hear  the  word   of  the 
Lord,  and  the  Devil  is  trying  to  get  them  to  sleep."     Mr. 
Ashury  was  a  great  lover  of  strong  coffee ;  and  the  good 
sisters  at  whose  houses  he  was  entertained  directed  their 
coffee    arrangements   with    reference   to   this   well-known 
fact.     Travelling  with  a  junior  brother  who  knew  the  stingy 
reputation  of  the  woman  with  whom  they  were  to  break- 
fast, the  latter  rode  on  ahead,  and  informed  the  hostess  that 
Brother  Asbury  would  relish  a  cup  of  coffee  of  much  more 
than  usual  strength.     When  breakfast  was  announced,  the 
young  preacher,  who  loved  strong  cofiee  as  well  as  did  his 
elder  brother,  approached  the  table,  congratulating  himself 
that  he  should  indulge  in   a   strong   dish    of  his   favorite 
beverage,  upon    the  old  gentleman's  credit ;    but  imagine 
his  disappointment  and  mortification  when   he  espied  two 
coffee-pots  on  the  table,  from  one  of  which  Brother  Asbury 
was  served  with  the  desired  article  in  full  strength,  while 
he,  the  ingenuous  junior,  was  compelled  to  take  his  portion 
from  the  family  vessel !     This  joke  was  often  repeated  by 
INIr.  Asbury. 

A  fellow  overtaking  one  of  tlie  early  Methodist  preachers, 
whom  he  knew  by  his  dress,  thought  he  would  have  a  little 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  81 

sport  with  him.  RiJing  up  by  his  side,  he  commenced 
pulling  his  bridle  as  if  his  horse  were  at  fault;  and  then 
said,  in  an  apparently  petulant  tone,  "I  would  as  soon 
ride  the  Devil  as  to  ride  this  horse."  —  "  Oh  ! "  said  the 
preacher,  "how  would  it  look  to  see  a  child  riding  his 
father  ?  "  The  fellow  put  spurs  to  his  horse,  and  galloped 
away. 

As  Rev.  Je^se  L^e,  the  first  preacher  of  Methodism  in 
Massachusetts,  was  riding  from  Boston  to  Lynn,  he  was 
overtaken  by  two  young  lawyers  disposed  to  amuse  them- 
selves at  his  expense.  Ranging  their  horses  one  on  either 
side  of  his,  the}'  saluted  him,  and  introduced  the  following 
conversation :  — 

1st  Lawyer.     "  I  believe  you  are  a  preacher,  sir  ?  " 

Lee.     "Yes:  I  generally  pass  for  one." 

1st  Lata.     "  You  preach  very  often,  I  suppose  ?  " 

Lee.     "  Generally  every  day  ;  frequently  twice,  or  more." 

2d  Lata.  "  How  do  you  find  time  to  stud}',  when  you 
preach  so  often  ?  " 

Lee.     "  I  study  when  rising,  and  read  when  resting." 

1st  Lata.     "  But  do  you  not  write  your  sermons  ?  " 

Lee.     "  No :   not  very  often." 

2d  Law.  "  Do  you  not  often  make  mistakes  in  preaching 
extemporaneously  ?  " 

Lee.     "  I  do  sometimes." 

2d  Law.  "  How  do  you  manage  when  you  make  mis- 
takes ?     Do  you  correct  them  ?  " 

^Lee.  "Tliat  depends  upon  the  character  of  the  mistake. 
I  was  preaching  the  other  day,  and  went  to  quote  the  text, 
'  All  liars  .shall  have  their  i).art  in  the  lake  which  buriicth 
with  fire  and  brimstone;'  and  by  mi.stako  I  said,  'All 
lawyers  sliall  have  tlieir  part,'  «&c." 

2d  Law.     "  What  did  you  do  with  that?     Did  you   cor- 
rect it  ? "  .         . 
0 


82  MIRTHFULNESS. 

Lee.  "  Oh,  no,  indeed !  It  was  so  nearly  true,  I  did 
not  think  worth  while  to  correct  it." 

"  Humph  !  "  said  one  of  them,  "  I  don't  know  whether 
you  are  the  more  a  knave,  or  a  fool !  "  —  "  Neither,"  replied 
the  preacher :  "  I  believe  I  am  just  between  the  two." 

Eev.  Solomon  Sharp  was  a  preacher  of  ability,  but 
very  eccentric.  On  his  circuit,  he  sometimes  had  very  small 
audiences.  On  one  occasion,  he  preached  to  a  congregation 
which  he  described  as  consisting  of  two  men,  four  women, 
seven  children,  and  a  little  dog.  At  another  time,  he  went 
to  preach  at  the  same  place,  and  found  but  six  persons 
gathered  to  hear  him.  After  waiting  a  while,  he  rose,  and 
said,  "  The  Bible  says,  '  Give  a  portion  to  seven,  and  also 
to  eight;'  but,  as  there  are  only  six  of  you  here,  I'll  not 
preach  to-day."     He  mounted  his  horse,  and  rode  oif. 

Kev.  BiLLT  HiBBARD  "  was  a  brick." 

''Brother  Hibbard,"  said  a  good  Presbyterian  brother, 
"  you  hurt  my  feelings  yesterday ; "  referring  to  some  remarks 
lie  made  upon  certain  doctrines.     , 

"  Why,  brother,"  said  Mr.  Hibbard,  "  I  am  sorry  you  took 
that :  I  meant  it  for  the  Devil,  and  you  stepped  in  and  took 
the  blow.  Don't  get  between  me  and  the  Devil,  brother, 
and  then  you  won't  get  hurt." 

Eev.  Billy  fell  in  company  with  Dr.  Lyman  Beecher 
one  day,  and  rode  with  him  some  distance,  both  being 
mounted,  without  either  knowing  the  other.  Dr.  Beecher 
suspecting  that  his  companion  was  a  minister,  asked  him  if 
he  was,  and  received  an  affirmative  reply.  "  Do  you  belong 
to  the  standing  order  ?  "  meaning  the  Congregational,  said 
Dr.  Beecher. 

"  No,"    was    his  companion's  reply :    "  I   belong   to    the 
kneeling  order." 

Once,  when  the  roll-call  of  conference  gave  Mr.  Hibbard's 


ANECDOTES   KESPECTING    CLERGYMEN.  83 

name  William,  he  arose,  and  objected  to  answering  to  that 
name,  insisting  that  his  name  was  Billy. 

"  Why,  Brother  Hibbard,"  said  Bishop  Asbury,  "  Billy  is 
a  little  boy's  name." 

*'  Yes,  bishop,"  he  replied ;  "  and  I  was  a  little  boy  when 
my  parents  gave  it  to  me." 

About  forty  years  ago,  Rev.  Mr.  Gruber,  commonly 
called  Father,  was  a  presiding  elder  in  a  district  in  Penn- 
sylvania, where  he  attended  a  camp-meeting,  at  which  he 
witnessed  what  greatly  offended  him.  A  kind  of  female 
attire  was  then  coming  into  fashion,  known  as  "the  petti- 
coat and  habit."  The  latter  somewhat  resembled  a  gentle- 
man's coatee,  and,  associated  with  the  former,  rather  tended 
to  a  graceful  display  of  the  female  form.  Some  of  "  the 
upper  class"  of  Methodist  young  ladies,  dressed  in  the  new 
fashion,  attended  the  camp-meeting  referred  to.  Their  ap- 
pearance quickl}'  drew  upon  them  the  disapproving  eye 
of  Father  Gruber.  An  opportunity  soon  occurred  for  him 
to  manifest  his  intense  aversion  to  this  fashion.  During 
some  of  the  social  exercises,  these  young  fashionables, 
grouped  together,  were  singing  a  hymn,  very  popular  in 
those  days,  of  which  the  last  line  of  each  stanza  was  a  kind 
of  chorus,  —  "I  want  to  get  to  heaven,  my  long-songlit 
rest."  In  this  song  they  were  heartily  joined  by  Father 
Gruber.  Instead  of  "  following  the  copy  "  in  the  choru  ;, 
the  latter  sang  in  a  loud  voice,  very  distinctly,  "  I  want  to 
get  to  heaven  with  my  long-short  dress,"  One  after 
another  the  female  singers  stopped,  and  finally,  with  intense 
inortifiratiun,  heard  the  presiding  elder  sing  alone,  in  a 
luud,  dear  voice,  "  I  want  to  get  to  heaven  with  my  long- 
bhort  dress."  Tlie  long-short  dresses  did  not  appear  again 
on  the  camp-ground. 

The  following  respecting  the  celebrated  Peteb  Carti 
wuiftllT  i»  writtwu  from  mtmnrv  :  — 


84  MIRTHFULNESS. 

■    On  a  journey,  he  stopped  one  night  at  the  house  of  a 
Methodist,  who  informed  him  that  he  was  going  to  a  meet- 
ing, and  must,  therefore,  ask  to  be  excused  for  the  evening. 
Mr.  Cartwright  asked  what  kind  of  a  meeting  he  was  going 
to,  and  was  told  that  a  Camphellite  Baptist  had  advertised 
that  he  would  curry  four  horses  at  the  town-hall  that  even- 
ing ;  viz.,  the  Baptist,  the  Presbyterian,  the  Episcopal,  and 
the  Methodist.     Mr.  Cartwright  requested  the  privilege  of 
accompanying  his  host  to  the  meeting ;  which  was  granted. 
The  speaker's  currying  operation   consisted  in  a  tirade  of 
misrepresentation  and  abuse,  a  large   and  severe  portion  of 
which  he   applied  to  the  last-named  horse.     At  the   close 
of  the  performance,  some  persons  in  the  audience  called  for 
Peter   Cartwright  to  address  the  audience.     The  speaker 
said  he  did  not  know  that  Mr.  Cartwright  was  present  until 
his  name   was    announced.     If  the    gentleman   desired   to 
speak,  he  could  now  have  the  opportunity.     The  Eev.  Peter 
arose,  and  said  he  came  to  the  meeting  to  hear,  not  to  speak ; 
but  he  would  gratify  his  friends  by  making  a  few  remarks. 
With  this  introduction,  he  spoke  substantially  as  follows : 
"  The  lecturer  to  whom  we  have  listened  has  undertaken  a 
very  laborious  task.     He  has  curried,  in  his  way,  four  noble 
horses.     The  task  you  impose  upon  me  is  very  much  lighter. 
I  have  but  one  beast  to  curry  ;  and  he's  a  jackass.^'     This 
speech  was  loudly  applauded,  and  the  meeting  broke  up 
with  cheers  for  Peter  Cartwright.     This  eccentric  preacher 
was  riding  one  day  upon  a  poor  horse,  which  needed  some 
urging ;  when  he  was  overtaken  by  a  carriage  drawn  by  a 
pair  of  spirited  horses,  in  which  were  two  young  men  and 
one  young  woman,  all  richly  dressed.     As  they  drew  near 
the     preacher,    they    commenced    singing     camp-meeting 
hymns ;  but  he  soon  discovered  that  they  were   singing  for 
sport.     He  tried  to  rid  himself  of  their  company  ;  but  they 
kept  about  so  near  him,  at  whatever  speed  he  chose  to  move. 
By  and  by,  one  of  the  young  men  fell  on  the  bottom  of 


A>'ECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  85 

the  carriage  ;  and  his  companions  cried  out,  "  Glory  to  God  ! 
one  sinner  down !  He'll  soon  gain  the  victory,  thank  the 
Lord  !  Amen,  amen ! "  The  prostrate  sinner  soon  rose,  and 
shouted,  "  Victory  !  "  In  connection  with  another  singing, 
the  other  young  man  fell  upon  the  floor  of  the  carriage ;  and 
the  cry  went  forth,  "  Bless  the  Lord !  another  sinner  down  ! 
Glory,  glory,  glory!"  While  being  subjected  to  this  an- 
noyance, Peter  remembered,  that,  a  short  distance  ahead, 
there  was  a  narrow  road,  which  turned  into  the  woods ;  which 
he  resolved  to  take,  as  a  means  of  getting  rid  of  his  com- 
pany. Applying  the  whip  to  the  horse,  he  galloped  awaj', 
but  was  closely  pursued  by  liis  companions.  Near  the 
point  in  the  road  at  which  the  preacher  turned  off,  there 
was  a  stump  several  inches  high,  on  one  side,  and  a  large 
mud-hole  of  considerable  depth  on  the  other  sifle.  Driving 
rapidly  and  carelessly,  the  sinners  drove  over  the  stump  :  the 
carriage  was  capsized ;  and  its  occupants  were  thrown  into 
the  mud,  and  partiall}'  immersed.  Seeing  their  condition, 
the  preacher  turned  back,  and  exclaimed,  "  Glory  to  God ! 
three  sinners  down  !  We've  gained  the  victory  !  Thank 
the  Lord  !  Amen,  amen  !  "  He  then  told  them  that  they 
were  the  dirtiest  sinners  he  ever  saw;  and,  if  they  did  not 
repent,  they  would  find  themselves  in  a  worse  place  than 
that. 

Father  Taylor.  —  ^lany  sayings  of  this  distinguished 
preiuiher  liave  been  reported  that  are  adapted  to  excite 
niirtlifuInesH,  of  which  the  following  are  specimens.  Of 
liulph  W.  Emerson  he  once  said,  "  He's  as  sweet  a  soul 
as  God  ever  made ;  but  lie  knows  no  more  of  theology  than 
Balaam's  ass  did  of  Hebrew  grammar." 

Father  Taylor,  being  asked  l>y  a  straight-laced  minister 
at  a  camj)-ni(?eting  who  li:id  heard  much  of  the  active 
benevolence  of  his  son-in-law,  fludge  Kusscll,  if  lie  regarded 
the  judge   a  Christian,   replied,  "  Well,  Thomas  isn't  ex- 


8(5  MIRTHFULNESS. 

actly  a  saint ;   but  he's  one  of  the  sweetest  little  sinners 
you  ever  saw." 

At  one  of  his  sailor  prayer-meetings,  several  years  ago,  a 
very  blacTc  man   occupying  a  back  seat  rose,   and   spoke 
briefly  and  effectively.     When  he  sat  down,  Father  Taylor 
exclaimed,  "I  knew  we   should  have    a  refreshing  shower, 
when  I  saw  that  black  cloud  rising." 

A  wealthy  Boston  merchant  visited  the  Bethel  during  a 
warm  prayer-meeting,  and  addressed  the  audience  at  length, 
telling  of  the  interest  which  his  class  felt  in  sailors,  and 
stating  that  sailors  ought  to  manifest  their  gratitude  to  the 
merchants  for  the  many  benefits  they  had  conferred  upon 
them.  When  he  sat  down,  Father  Taylor  inquired,  "  Is 
there  any  other  old  sinner  from  up-town  who  would  like  to 
say  a  word  brfore  we  go  on  with  the  meeting  ?  " 

After  a  long  and  eloquent  exhortation  from  a  brother  who 
had  evidently  thought  more  of  display  than  of  any  thing 
else,  Father  Taylor  clasped  his  hands,  and  remarked,  "  Now 
let  some  brother  speak  that  has  something  to  say.'" 

Father  Taylor  entertained  profound  respect  for  Gov. 
Andrew,  between  whom  and  himself  there  existed  a  strong 
personal  friendship.  In  giving  his  testimony  before  the 
legislative  committee  appointed  to  consider  the  subject  of 
licensing  the  sale  of  intoxicating  drinks.  Father  Taylor 
showed  himself  in  sympathy  with  Messrs.  Andrew  and 
Child,  who  advocated  regulation  versus  prohibition.  The 
following  is  part  of  Fatlier  Taylor's  testimony  :  — 

Question.     "  How  long  have  you  been  in  Boston  ?  " 

Answer.     "  Oh  !  not  very  long  :  only  about  fifty  yed!*s." 

In  answer  to  the  question  as  to  the  number  of  places 
where  liquor  had  been  sold  for  the  last  five  years,  he  said 
they  were  multitudinous.  He  thought  there  was  '*  a  breast- 
work of  them  from  the  Square  down  to  Charlestown 
Bridge." 

Question.    "  Has  there  been  any  diminution  of  these  places 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  87 

since  the  prohibitory  law  was  passed,  twelve  or  fifteen  years 
ago  ?  » 

Answer.     "Pi'ohibitory  law  !     I  did  not  know  that  they 
had  one." 

Question.     "  Have  these  places,  for  the  last  twelve  or  fif- 
teen years,  been  constantly  increasing,  or  not  ?  " 

Answer.     "I  think  they  have  not  died  with  age.     They 
remain,  and  are  exceedingly  plentiful,"  &c. 

Question.     "  Are  you  in  favor  of  a  prohibitory  law  ?  " 

Answer.  "  By  no  means.  I  have  no  right  to  punish  the 
^•ighteous  with  the  wicked." 

In  the  course  of  this  extended  answer,  the  witness  gave 
it  as  his  opinion  that  all  hotels  should  be  furnished  with 
the  prohibited  drinks  for  the  use  of  their  guests  ;  and  stated 
the  case  of  persons  travelling  with  him  in  Canada  and  in  the 
West,  who,  he  believed,  lost  their  lives  by  refusing  to  take 
alcoholic  stimulants.  In  this  connection  he  said,  "  There- 
fore I  think  it  would  be  out  of  the  question  to  forbid  the 
use  or  the  sale  of  spirits  in  all  cases.  This  prohibitor}'^  law 
shuts  us  h\.  Moreover,  there  is  something  else  in  this  mat- 
ter. I  should  not  want  to  deny  my  God.  The  good  book 
tells  us  that  wine  cheereth  the  heart  of  God  and  man.  I 
should  not  want  to  raise  my  hand  against  the  hand  of  God." 
In  commencing  the  cross-examination,  Mr.  Spooner  spoke 
of  "  the  present  prohibitory  law."  Father  Taylor  said, 
"  What  !  have  you  got  a  prohibitory  law  ?  Where  ?  " 
The  manner  of  the  witues.s,  imJuding  the  peculiar  expression 
of  his  countenance,  was  telling,  and  produ«;e<l  general  mer- 
riment, together  with  the  impression  tliat  the  prdiibitory 
law  was  a  great  sham,  having  no  practical  tendency  to 
remedy  the  evil  it  was  professedly  designed  to  remove. 
Father  Taylor  manifestly  belongs  to  the  increasing  chiss  of 
clergymen  ami  temperance  people  wlio  believe  tliat  the  pro- 
liibitory  liquor  hiw  is  wrong  in  principle.  Some  of  llieso 
re^jard  this  Btututu  auti-republican  and  unti-Christiaii.     Fa- 


88  MIRTHFULNESS. 

ther  Taylor  does  not  like  it,  and  he  dared  to  say  so  before  the 
committee.;  and  his  manner  of  saying  it  was  an  exciter  of 
mirthfulness  in  those  who  heard  his  testimony. 


AMEEICAN  BAPTIST  CLEEGYMEN. 

From  the  few  specimens  the  compiler  has  collected,  he 
concludes  that  the  clergymen  of  this  denomination  in 
ISTew  England  have  had  a  fair  proportion  of  the  humorous 
class  in  their  ranks.  Should  he  obtain  other  specimens 
before  this  work  is  prepared  for  the  press,  he  will  insert  them 
in  his  miscellaneous  collection  in  the  last  part  of  the  book ; 
which  collection  will  be  rich  in  wit  and  humor. 

Before  a  Baptist  church  was  formed  in  New- York  City, 
a  Baptist  clergyman,  Eev.  David  Jones,  walking  on 
one  of  the  streets,  approached  an  old  gentleman  sitting 
on  the  steps  of  a  respectable-looking  house,  and  asked  to 
be  directed  to  Baptists  in  the  city,  if  he  knew  of  any.  His 
question  was,  "  Can  you  tell  me  where  any  Baptists  live  in 
this  town  ?  "  He  had  to  repeat  his  question  in  a  loud  voice  ; 
for  the  old  gentleman  was  very  deaf  The  deaf  man  re- 
plied, "  I  really  don't  know  as  I  ever  heard  of  anybody  of 
that  occupation  in  these  parts." 

Dr.  Samuel  Shepaed  used  to  tell  a  story,  which  he 
applied  to  men  who  attempted  to  dodge  difficulties  by 
assuming  neutral  ground,  —  by  sitting  on  the  fence.  A  cer- 
tain farmer  used  to  ride  on  the  tongue  of  his  cart,  where  he 
supposed  himself  out  of  the  way  of  both  the  cart  and  the 
oxen.  This  was  all  very  well  till  the  team  came  to  a  rough 
piece  of  ground,  when  the  oxen  became  restive,  and  kicked 
the  farmer  off;  and  the  wheels  passed  over  him,  inflicting 
severe  injuries  upon  his  person. 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  89 

On  one  of  his  circuits,  Rev.  John  Leeland  happened  to 
be  in  a  place  where  the  Baptist  minister  had  married  a  sec- 
ond wife  soon  after  the  death  of  his  first,  —  much  sooner 
than  his  female  parishioners  thought  was  proper.  It  was 
agreed  to  refer  the  matter  to  Mr.  Leelaud's  judgment.  After 
hearing  a  full  statement  of  the  facts  and  complaints  in  the 
case,  he  said  very  calmly,  "  It  is  evident,  from  the  rule  the 
apostle  Paul  has  laid  down  in  the  seventh  chapter  of  First 
Corinthians,  that  a  inan  is  free  to  marry  as  soon  as  his  wife 
dies ;  but,  as  a  matter  of  decency,  perhaps  he  had  better 
wait  at  least  until  she  is  buried." 

A  president  of  a  Baptist  college  was  passing  near  a  stu- 
dent who  was  using  profane  language  while  employed  in 
chopping  wood.  The  president  asked  the  student  to  lend 
him  his  axe.  He  took  it,  andi^ut  through  a  stick  of  wood, 
and,  passing  it  back  to  the  student,  said,  "  I  didn't  swear 
once  while  chopping  tliat  stick  of  wood ;  and  I  submit  that 
it  is  very  well  done." 

A  very  censorious  person  said  to  a  Baptist  clergyman, 
while  the  two  were  passed  by  a  family  on  their  way  to 
church  with  a  very  elegant  and  valuable  team,  "  Do  you 
think  that  people  will  ever  get  to  heaven  in  such  a  splendid 
carriage  as  that  ?  "  The  ministt-r  replied,  "  We  read  that 
Elijah  went  to  heaven  in  a  chariot." 

The  compiler  spent  nearly  two  yoars  in  East  Tennessee 
in  the  early  part  of  his  life,  where  he  obtained  considerable 
information  respecting  the  hard-shell  15aptists,  — a  class  of 
religionists  who  dilb-r  essentially  from  the  liaptists  of  New 
England;  holding  but  little  in  common  with  them,  except 
the  mode  of  baptism.  They  are  opposed  to  an  educated 
ministry  and  to  the  cause  of  missions,  ami  ilo  not  keep  the 
sabbath  as  Christiana  do  in   New  England.     The  compiler 


90  MIETHFULNESS. 

spent  a  few  weeks  in  a  neighborhood  where  Baptists  of  this 
class  were  the  principal  religionists.  He  found  the  people 
very  ignorant,  and  living  in  the  pure  farmer's  state.  Each 
family  tanned  their  leather,  made  their  own  shoes,  and 
manufactured  nearly  all  their  clothing  from  the  raw  ma- 
terial. There  was  very  little  money  in  circulation,  and 
the  exchanges  were  made  "  by  barter."  Articles  of  property 
were  exchanged  for  other  articles  of  property.  A  man  told 
his  neighbor  that  he  had  sold  his  big  dog  for  a  hundred 
dollars.  The  price  was  regarded  unreasonably  large  ;  until 
the  vender,  in  answer  to  the  question,  ''  What  did  you  take 
your  pay  in  ?  "  said,  "  I  took  two  little  dogs  at  fifty  dollars 
apiece." 

A  hard-shell  preacher,  after  preaching  against  human 
learning  in  the  ministry,  thanked  the  Lord  in  the  closing 
prayer  that  he  was  ignorantj^  and  prayed  that  he  might  be 
TTiore  ignorant. 

A  preacher  of  this  class,  wishing  to  prove  that  Paul  was 
not  educated,  stated  in  his  argument  that  that  distinguished 
preacher  and  apostle  "  was  brought  up  at  the  foot  of  Gamul 
Hill,  where  the  people  were  not  educated."  The  preacher 
mistook  Gamul  Hill  for  Gamaliel. 

Another  of  this  class  took  for  his  text  the  following  words 
of  Paul  to  the  Corinthians :  "  Therefore,  if  I  know  not  the 
meaning  of  the  voice,' I  shall  be  unto  him  that  speaketh  a 
barbarian,  and  he  that  speaketh  shall  be  a  barbarian  unto 
me."  The  preacher  read  the  text  thus  :  "  I  shall  be 
unto  him  that  speaketh  a  harheriron,  and  he  that  speaketh 
shall  be  a  tarberiron  unto  me."  In  his  discourse,  he  de- 
scribed the  barheriron,  and  stated  its  supposed  uses. 

This  class  of  ministers  employ  a  sing-song  tone  in  preach- 
ing, which,  with  their  fanciful  explanations  of  Scripture, 
make  them  appear  very  ridiculous  to  intelligent  persons  who 
occasionally  hear  them.  One  of  them,  reading  the  scriptural 
statement  that  the  ancient  Jewish  tent  for  divine  worship 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING  CLERGYMEN.  91 

was  covered  with  ** badgers'  skins"  read  for  " badgers^ " 
"beggars',"  and  proceeded  to  remark  that  the  )iew  dispensa- 
tion was  vastly  more  humane  than  the  old,  under  which 
beggars'  skins  were  used  to  cover  places  of  worslii}). 

The  following  quotation,  from  the  sermon  of  a  hard-shell 
preacher,  will  give  the  reader  some  idea  of  the  tone  used 
by  the  whole  class ;  though  a  strictly  correct  one  can  be 
had  by  those  only  who  have  heard  the  tone.  This  sermon 
was  called  forth  by  the  efforts  of  travelling  agents  to  es- 
tablish a  sabbath  school  in  the  neighborhood  of  the  preacher. 
The  text  was,  "Thou  art  Peter;  and  on  this  rock  I  will 
build  my  church,  and  the  gates  of  hell  shall  not  prevail 
against  it."  Says  the  reporter  of  the  sermon,  "  After  giving 
Peter  a  good  setting-out,  the  minister  closed  as  follows,  in 
that  peculiar  singing  tone  that  is  indescribable,  except  to 
those  who  have  heard  it :  'Yes,  my  brethering,  ah  ;  an'  the 
gates  of  hell  shall  not  prevail  agin  it,  ah  !  Now,  you  would 
like  to  know  all  about  these  ere  gates  of  hell,  ah  !  Well,  my 
brethering,  there  are  four  gates  to  hell,  ah !  That  is,  fustly, 
the  Sunday-scliool  system,  ah  !  That  thar  is  one  gate  to  hell, 
ah  !  whar  they  bring  young  men  and  wimmen  togither,  ah  ! 
and,  onder  the  igee  of  teachin'  on  'em  the  Bible,  they  set 
'em  to  hankerin'  after  one  another,  ah  !  an'  so  open  wide 
that  gate  o'  hell,  ah  !  An'  the  next  gate  o'  hell  is  wus'n  the 
fust,  ah !  That  thar  is  ]>ible  so-ci-ities,  ah  !  whar  they  put 
the  word  into  the  hands  o'  them  as  haint  larnin'  suflicient, 
ah  I  fur  to  understand  it,  ah  !  an'  this  here,  brethering,  is 
one  of  the  wust  gates  o'  hell,  ah !  which  we  read  about  in 
the  Bible,  ah ! ' .  The  other  two  gates  are  *  Temperance 
societies  '  ami  '  the  Republican  party.'  " 

One  of  these  preachers,  hy  the  name  of  Usher,  gave  a 
do»crii)tion  of  his  leaving  a  people  to  whom  he  had  become 
strongly  attached,  thus  :  "  As  I  closed  my  farewell  discourse, 
ah  !  all  the  congregation  came  up,  one  by  one,  ah  !  and  said, 
*  Tarewell,  Brother  Usher,  ah  ! '    After  taking  leave  of  the 


92  MIRTHFULNESS. 

dear  people,  I  rode  away  through  the  grove,  ah !  an',  as  I 
passed  along,  all  the  trees  seemed  to  how,  an'  gently  say, 
'  Farewell,  Brother  Usher,  ah  ! '  By  and  hy  I  came  near  a 
flock  o'  sheep,  ah !  an'  they  all  stopped  eating,  an'  looked 
right  at  me,  an'  seemed  to  how,  and  say,  'Farewell,  Brother 
Usher,  ah  ! '  " 


UNIVEESALIST   CLEEGYMEN. 

The  compiler  has  succeeded  in  obtaining  but  few  anec- 
dotes or  pleasantries  connected  with  this  class.  Shoiild  he 
collect  others  before  completing  this  work,  he  will  insert 
them  in  the  "  Miscellaneous  Class,"  which  will  contain  some 
relating  to  clergymen  of  the  other  denominations  whose 
humorous  representatives  he  has  described. 

Eev.  Thomas  Whittemore,  D.D.,  had  the  reputation 
of  being  a  very  humorous  man,  who  often  employed  his  wit 
in  the  pulpit.     While  President  of  the  Vermont  and  Mas- 
I       sachusetts  Eailroad  Corporation,  he  walked  the  entire  length 
[       of  the  road,  that  he  might  have  personal  knowledge  of  its 
■        condition.     While  looking  at  some  Irishmen  who  were  mov- 
ing a  lot  of  new  rails,  and  were  handling  them  very  roughly, 
.  he  reproved  them.     The  boss  of  the  gang,  not  knowing  him, 

said,  "  You  go  to !  " 

f  Mr.  Whittemore  replied,  "That  is  the  last  place  I  should 

I        wish  to  go  to." 

I  "  Well,"  said  the  Irishman,  "  it  is  the  last  place  you  ivill 

go  to." 

Mr.  Whittemore  used  to  tell  this  story  in  a  very  humor- 
ous manner. 

Eev.  Mr.  Streeter  of  Boston  undertook  to  reprove  a 
prominent  parishioner  for  habitual  profanity.     He   urged 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  93 

a  variety  of  reasons  why  this  very  improper  and  God- 
displeasing*  habit  should  be  abandoned.  After  giving  a 
respectful  attention  to  his  pastor's  lecture,  the  waggish  pa- 
rishioner replied  very  pleasantly,  "  Brother  Streeter,  I  know 
that  I  swear  a  good  deal,  and  that  you  pray  a  good  deal ; 
but  neither  of  us  mean  any  thing  by  it." 

During  a  session  of  the  Massachusetts  Legislature,  when 
Rev.  Thomas  Whitteraore  was  a  representative  from  Cam- 
bridgeport,  the  question  of  increasing  the  pay  of  the  mem- 
bers came  up.  Mr.  Whittemore  strongly  opposed  the  meas- 
ure ;  which,  however,  was  carried  by  a  large  majority.  At 
the  close  of  the  day's  session,  a  friend  asked  him  how  he 
felt  respecting  the  decision  of  the  House  upon  this  subject. 
He  replied,  "  I  am  disappointed  ;  but  I  know  of  no  better 
way  than  to  pocket  the  insult.'^ 

In  the  early  part  of  Rev.  Hosea  Ballou's  ministry, 
an  acquaintance  of  his,  whose  personal  qualifications  for 
preaching  were  very  small,  occasionally  officiated  as  a  min- 
ister of  the  Baptist  denomination.  Having  great  love  of 
approbation,  he  tried  one  day  to  elicit  from  Mr.  Ballon  a 
remark  of  commendation.  He  began  by  saying,  "Mr. 
Ballou,  I  am  awfully  tried  with  myself." 

"  Ah  !  "  said  Mr.  Bulluu  :  "  what  is  the  trouble  with  you  ?  " 

"Oh  !  to  think  that  I  should  ever  try  to  preach,  and  know 
80  little  !     What  do  you  tliink,  Brother  Ballou  ?  " 

'*  Well,  really,"  said  Mr.  Ballou,  hesitating  a  little,  but 
making  up  his  mind  to  return  a  plain  answer,  "I  think  — 
then  —  that  —  if  you  knew  a  little  7nore,  you'd  never  try 
again ! " 

At  a  social  gathering  of  ministers,  one  of  tliem  was  (mi- 
tertaining  the  others  with  some  pleasant  anecdotes  of  Mr. 
Ballou.  Unexpectedly,  the  subject  of  thrir  conversation 
joined  the  company,  and  listened  for  a  time  to  what  waa 


94  MIRTHFULNESS. 

being  said,  unobserved  by  tbe  speaker.  When  the  latter 
discovered  him,  he  said,  "  We  are  telling  stories  about  you, 
Father  Ballon ;  but  they  are  all  true  ones." 

"Well,"  said  Mr.  Ballon,  "that  is  the  worst  of  it.  I 
remember  that  a  very  black,  ugly  story  about  me  was  started 
once ;  but  I  told  my  wife  I  did  not  care  about  it,  so  long 
as  it  was  not  true.  But,  when  they  begin  to  tell  the  truth 
about  me,  it  is  time  for  me  to  look  out." 

The  following  dialogue  passed  between  a  lady  and  Mr. 
Ballon  in  an  omnibus  between  Roxbury  and  Boston.  The 
lady  said,  "  I  want  to  know,  Mr.  Ballon,  if  you  think  you 
preach  as  Jesus  Christ  preached  when  he  was  on  earth  ?  " 

"  Well,  I  don't  know,  madam,"  said  Mr.  Ballon  slowly 
and  mildly :  "  I  believe  I  intend  to  do  so." 

"  Ah  !  but,"  said  she,  "  are  you  faithful,  sir  ?  Are  you 
sure,  sir,  you  set  forth  the  punishment  of  sin  as  faithfully 
as  Jesus  Christ  and  his  apostles  did  ?  " 

"Well,  madam,  I  would  not  be.  self-confident,"  said  he, 
growing  more  mild  as  she  grew  excited;  "but  I  seek  to 
preach  the  doctrine  of  my  Master." 

"  Do  you,  sir,"  said  she,  "  preach  to  your  people  every 
sabbath,  '  Ye  serpents,  ye  generation  of  vipers,  ye  htjpocrites, 
how  can  ye  escape  the  damnation  of  hell  ? '  " 

"  No,  madam,"  said  he  very  calmly  :  "  to  be  honest  with 
you,  I  do  not." 

"  But  why  do  you  not  ?  "  said  she.  "  You  are  a  false 
teacher.  Jesus  preached  in  that  way  to  the  people  in  his 
day ;  and  why  do  not  you  preach  so  to  hypocrites  now  ?  " 

"  Well,  madam,"  said  he,  "  I  will  tell  you  the  reason : 
that  class  of  people  do  not  go  to  my  meeting  !  " 

Some  twenty-five  years  ago,  when  Franklin  Pierce  and 
Harry  Hibbard  stood  at  the  head  of  the  ISTew-Hampshire 
bar,  they  were  arrayed  against  each  other  on  an  important 
case  of  "  breach  of  promise."     A  respectable  young  woman 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  95 

sued  a  respectable  farmer,  whom  she  had  served  as  house- 
keeper, for  breach  of  promise  of  marriage.  The  case,  tried 
at  ^Newport,  excited  so  much  interest,  that  the  court,  to 
accommodate  the  large  number  of  spectators,  adjourned  to 
the  Congregational  Meeting-House.  Hibbard  was  counsel 
for  the  woman.  Under  the  skilful  management  of  Gen. 
Pierce,  the  main  defence  was  that  the  plaintiff  had  kept 
company  with  another  man  in  the  capacity  of  an  accepted 
suitor,  while  she  claimed  to  be  engaged  to  the  man  she  had 
sued.  Gen.  Pierce  called  the  important  witness  to  the 
stand.  He  was  a  3'oung  man,  of  pleasing  address;  and  his 
direct  testimony  seemed  to  make  against  the  plaintiff.  He 
said  he  visited  her  at  such  a  time,  and  accompanied  her  to 
the  barn-yard  while  she  milked  the  cows,  and  returned  with 
her  to  the  house,  where  he  spent  the  evening  pleasantly ; 
and  that,  in  the  course  of  half  a  year,  he  paid  her  several 
visits,  which  were  kindly  received.  In  the  course  of  his 
testimony,  he  labored,  by  insinuations  of  different  kinds,  to 
make  the  impression  that  he  had  been  on  very  familiar 
terms  with  the  plaintiff,  and  that  she  had  treated  him  as 
her  lover.  On  the  cross-examination,  Mr.  Hibbard  asked 
the  witness,  if,  at  the  time  he  accompanied  the  plaintiff"  to 
the  barn-yard,  he  was  not  courting  another  girl,  whom  he 
named.  The  witness  replied,  "We  had  biMiu  keeping  com- 
pany togetbcr;  but  ive  had  tcoinid  up  our  /iddics."  Refer- 
ring to  another  time,  a  few  months  later,  when  witness  said 
he  had  visited  the  plaintiff,  Mr.  Hibbard  asked  liim  if  he  was 
not,  at  that  time,  paying  attention  to  another  young  lad}', 
whom  he  named.  His  reply  was,  as  before,  "  I  had  been  keep- 
ing coini)any  with  her;  but  ive  had  wound  up  uur fiddles^ 

After  making  the  witness  appear  badly  on  the  stand,  Mr. 
Hibbard  said  to  liiin,  "  i'<ni  are  a  preacher;  are  you  not?" 
His  reply  was,  "I  preach  occasionally;  though  I  never  had 
a  paatoral  charge,  or  even  a  license  to  preach." 

"  What  do  you  preach?"  said  Mr.  Hibbard 


96  MIRTHFULNESS. 

*'  The  gospel,"  was  the  reply. 

Mr.  Hibbard  remarked  that  his  answer  was  not  suffi- 
ciently definite.  He  wished  to  know  to  what  denomination 
he  belonged,  and  what  particular  system  of  doctrines  he 
preached  ;  and  he  shaped  his  question  in  accordance  with  this 
wish.  The  witness,  at  first,  refused  to  answer  this  ques- 
tion,; but,  being  told  by  the  judge  that  he  must,  he  straight- 
ened himself  up,  and  in  a  pompous  manner  exclaimed, 
<<  I  believe  and  teach  the  universal  salvation  of  all  men." 

"  Lucky  thing  for  you,"  said  Mr.  Hibbard  with  strong 
feeling  ;  "/or  no  other  system  will  save  you." 

This  remark  of  Mr.  Hibbard  "  brought  down  the  house." 
It  produced  a  burst  of  insuppressible  laughter,  in  which 
court  and  jury  joined.  The  witness  was  dismissed  from  the 
stand  in  confusion,  and  the  plaintiff  won  the  case. 


DIFFEEENT  DENOMINATIONS. 

A  Scotch  clergyman  in  the  Great  Eebellion  said  in  his 
prayer,  "  Lord,  bless  the  grand  council,  the  parliament,  and 
grant  they  may  all  hang  together."  A  country  fellow 
standing  by  said,  — 

"  Amen,  with  all  my  heart ;  and  the  sooner  the  better ; 
and  I  am  sure  it  is  the  prayer  of  all  good  people." 

"■  Friends,"  said  the  clergyman,  ''  I  don't  mean  as  that 
fellow  means :  I  pray  they  may  all  hang  together  in  accord 
and  concord." 

"No  matter  what  cord,"  said  the  rustic,  "so  'tis  a  strong 

one." 

At  a  church  in  Scotland,  where  was  a  popular  call,  two 
candidates,  named  Adam  and  Low,  preached  on  the  same 
sabbath.  Low  preached  in  the  morning,  and  took  for  his 
text,  "Adam,  where  art  thou?"     The  congregation  was 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  97 

greatly  eJitieJ  by  the  discourse.  In  the  afternoon,  Mr. 
Adam  preaclied  from  the  following  text :  "  Lo  !  here  am  I." 
The  impromptu  and  the  sermon  gained  him  the  church. 

The  late  Dr.  Humphry  of  Amherst  College  related  the 
foUo'viug  anecdote  at  a  ministerial  meeting  not  long  before 
liis  death.  "  AVhen  I  was  a  boy,"  said  the  doctor,  "  I  sat 
under  the  preaching  of  an  able  but  eccentric  minister.  On 
a  certain  occasion,  the  preacher's  subject  was  native  de- 
pravity; and  the  point  he  was  illustrating  was  this,  —  that, 
when  persons  had  a  clear  view  of  themselves,  they  were 
astonished  at  its  vilencss.  The  following  was  his  illus- 
tration:  *ln  the  early  part  of  my  ministry,  I  used  in 
summer-time  to  go  on  missionarj'^  tours  into  Vermont. 
Wliile  stopping  with  an  uncultivated  family,  in  which  was 
an  ignorant  boy,  who  looked  as  though  he  was  never  washed 
or  combed,  a  peddler  came  along  with  some  cheap  looking- 
glasses  ;  and  I  purchased  one,  and  hung  it  upon  the  wall  of 
one  of  the  rooms.  DitVt-rent  members  of  the  family  looked 
into  the  curious  mirror,  and  for  the  first  time  saw  them- 
selves  as  others  saw  them,  and  were  manifestly  astonished 
with  the  view.  By  and  by,  the  unwashed  and  uncombed 
boy  looked  into  the  attractive  glass,  and,  alanned  at  what  he 
saw,  rushed  out  of  doors,  seized  a  club,  and  returned  with 
it,  furiously  aimed  at  my  mirror,  exclaiming  under  great 
excitement,  "  I'm  going  to  kill  the  Devil."  '  " 

\\  hile  Dr.  ]Iunij)liry  was  visiting  a  young  clergyman  in 
his  stuJy,  a  promising  two-year-old  son  of  the  latter  came 
into  the  room,  and,  for  a  few  moments,  attracted  the  atten- 
tion of  the  two.  As  he  pa.ssed  out  of  the  room,  his  fond 
young  father  remarked  to  the  doctor  with  ai>i»arent  sad- 
ness, "  We  don't  expect  to  raise  that  boy." 

"  Why  ?  "  asked  the  doctor.     "  Is  he  sick  ?  " 

"  No,"  was  the  repl}' ;  "  but  he  is  so  forward  and  in- 
teresting I" 

7 


98  MIETHFULNESS. 

"  0  my  young  brother ! "  said  the  doctor,  "  dismiss  your 
fears.  I  have  had  eight  just  such,  and  I  raised  them 
all." 

Dr.  Humphry  was  one  day  in  company  with  several 
clergyman,  no  one  of  whom  bore  the  title  of  D.D.  One 
of  them,  distinguished  for  his  wit,  said  to  his  associates, 
"  Why  can't  we,  brethren,  obtain  this  title  for  ourselves  by 
petition  or  otherwise  ? "  Dr.  Humphry  remarked  to  him 
playfully,  that  qualifications  were  requisite  to  success.  "■  Is 
that  so  ?  "  said  the  wit.  "  I  thought  this  title  fell,  like  the 
rain,  on  the  evil  and  the  good,  on  the  just  and  the  un- 
just." 

In  speaking  of  the  large  number  of  D.D.'s  in  America, 
and  of  the  eagerness  with  which  the  title  is  sought  by  as- 
piring young  ministers,  a  gentleman  remarked,  he  was 
reminded  of  an  anecdote  of  olden  time.  When  much  was 
thought  of  military  titles,  two  little  brothers,  each  owning 
a  puppy,  were  found  quarrelling  one  day.  "What  is  the 
matter,  boys  ? "  inquired  the  mother.  Peter  answered, 
"John  says  his  puppy  is  Captain,  and  I  say  my  puppy  is 
Captain."  —  "0  boj^s  !  "  said  the  mother,  "  don't  quarrel 
about  that  5  for  every  puppy  in  town  is  captain." 

A  Baptist  and  Congregational  minister  were  riding 
together  one  day,  when  there  was  strong  manifestation  of  a 
coming  shower.  The  former  suggested  to  the  latter,  who 
was  driving,  that  he  had  better  quicken  the  speed  of  the  horse. 
The  Congregationalist  replied,  "Why,  brother?  are  you 
afraid  of  ivater  ?  "  —  "  Oh,  no  !  "  said  the  Baptist ;  "  I  am 
not  afraid  of  water:  it's  the  S2)rin1clinrf  I  wish  to  avoid." 

During  the  last  decade  of  the  last  century,  the  two  fol- 
lowing pleasantries  occurred  in  two  neighboring  towns  in 
Kew  Hampshire.     An  uncultivated  Irishman  called  upon  a 


ANECDOTES   KESPEUTING   CLERGYMEN.  99 

clergyman,  whose  house  stood  eiglit  or  ten  rods  from  the 
gate  through  which  visitors  entered  from  the  highway ; 
leaving  outside  the  gate  liis  lady-love  and  her  father,  sitting 
upon  their  horses.  The  Irishman  said  to  the  clergyman, 
who  was  a  stranger  to  him,  ''  Can  your  Ileverence  marry 
one  to-day  ?  ''  —  "  No,"  replied  the  clergyman  :  "  I  cannot 
marry  one;  hut  I  can  marry  <wo."  —  '*  Well,  well,"  said  the 
other,  " that's  jist  what  I  want,  —  Mary  Caun  and  I."  —  ''I 
can  marry  Mary  Cann  and  j'ou,"  said  the  clergyman.  Ex- 
cited with  delight,  the  Irishman  stepped  to  the  door,  and, 
b€!ckoning  to  those  outside  the  gate,  said,  "  Come  in :  he'll 
dot,  he'll  do't,  he'll  do't !  " 

Another  clergyman,  having  united  in  marriage  an  uncul- 
tivated Yankee  fellow  to  a  girl  belonging  to  his  class,  told 
the  former  to  salute  his  bride.  Not  understanding  the 
meaning  of  the  word  "salute,"  the  young  man  stood  by  his 
bride,  not  knowing  what  to  do,  until  his  father  exclaimed, 
"JJuss  her,  Joe;  buss  her."  Joe  knew  how  to  buss,  the 
vulgar  name  of  kiss ;  and  so  he  bussed  his  bride,  and  the 
excitement  ceased. 

A  Scotch  clergyman,  preaching  one  day,  quoted  the  pas- 
sage, "  '  I  said  in  my  haste,  that  all  men  are  liars  ; '  "  and 
added,  "  Wliat's  that,  Mr.  Psalmist?  said  it  in  j'our  haste, 
did  yon  ?  Had  you  lived  in  our  day,  you  might  have  said 
it  at  your  leisure." 

Another  Scotch  clergyman  was  accustomed  to  wake  up 
the  sleepers  in  his  congregation  liy  calling  their  names. 
One,  whose  name  had  been  often  called,  charged  tin?  minis- 
ter with  purlialit}',  telling  liim  tli:it  bis  own  wile  was  oTlcn 
iM?en  slefping.  On  the  fjllowing  sabbath,  about  the  middle 
of  a  long  sermon,  the  prfacher  stepped  t(»  one  side  of  I  bo 
pulpit,  and  looked  down  into  the  pew  occupied  by  bis  family, 


100  MIRTH  FULNESS. 

•where  he  saw  his  wife  sound  asleep.  Addressing  her,  he 
said,  "  Wake,  Mary  !  wake  up,  I  say  !  I  did  not  marry  you 
for  your  wealth ;  for  you  had  none  of  that.  I  did  not  marry 
you  for  your  beauty  ;  for  you  had  precious  little  of  that.  I 
married  you  for  your  virtue  and  your  religion ;  and  sure,  if 
you  have  none  of  that,  I  have  been  grossly  taken  in." 

A  clergyman,  being  annoyed  by  his  audience  going  out 
while  he  was  preaching,  took  for  his  text,  "Thou  art 
weighed,  and  found  wanting."  Soon  after  commencing  his 
discourse,  the  preacher  said,  "  You  will  please  pass  out  as 
fast  as  you  are  weighed." 

"  At  what  a  rate  that  girl's  tongue  is  going  !  "  said  a  lady, 
looking  complacently  at  her  daughter,  who  was  discussing 
some  subject  of  apparent  interest  with  a  handsome  young 
clergyman.  "  Yes,"  replied  a  satirical  neighbor :  "  her 
tongue  is  going  at  the  cu-rate" 

Bishop  MoBLEY,  in  the  absence  of  his  errand-man,  or- 
dered his  coachman  to  bring  some  water  from  the  well.  To 
this  the  coachman  objected ;  saying  that  it  was  his  business 
to  drive,  not  to  run  of  errands.  "Well,  then,"  said  the 
bishop,  "bring  out  the  coach  and  four,  set  the  pitcher  in- 
side, and  drive  to  the  well."  This  service  was  several  times 
repeated,  to  the  great  amusement  of  the  villagers. 

"Name  this  child,"  said  a  parson.  "Lucy,  sir,"  replitd 
the  humble  sponsor.  "  Lucifer ! "  exclaimed  the  parson. 
"  I  shall  give  him  no  such  name :  I  shall  call  him  John." 
And  John  was  that  girl's  naxue  for  the  rest  of  her  life. 

A  clergyman,  preaching  a  wedding-sermon,  chose  for  his 
text,  "And  let  there  be  abundance  of  peace  while  the  moon 
endureth." 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.        101 

A  dull  preacher  put  all  his  congregation  to  sleep  except 
an  idiot,  who  sat  erect,  with  open  mouth.  Thumping  the 
pulpit,  the  preacher  exclaimed,  "  What !  all  asleep  but  this 
poor  idiot?''  —  "Ay,  sir,"  said  the  only  wakeful  hearer: 
"  if  I  had  not  been  an  idiot,  I  should  have  been  asleep  too." 

An  awkward  boy  carried  a  turkey  to  his  father's  minis- 
ter, and  said,  "  Here's  a  turkey  father  gent  you."  —  "  Why, 
John,"  said  the  minister,  "you  ought  to  do  your  errand 
more  politely.  You  take  my  place  here  by  my  wife ;  and  I 
will  take  yours,  and  present  the  turkey  to  you."  The  boy 
did  as  he  was  directed ;  and  the  minister  took  the  turkey, 
went  out,  knocked  at  the  door,  was  admitted  to  the  presence 
of  the  parson's  lady  and  her  substitute  husband,  to  whom 
he  very  politely  presented  the  turkey  as  a  gift  from  his 
father.  Taking  the  gift,  John  said,  "  Tell  your  father  we 
are  much  obliged  to  him  for  his  present."  Then,  turning 
to  the  lady,  he  said,  "  Wife,  give  the  boy  hqlf  a  dollar  for 
bringing  us  this  gift." 

A  certain  D.D.,  a  professor  of  ecclesiastical  history  in 
a  theological  seminary,  commenced  the  public  examination 
of  his  class  in  the  following  manner:  — 

"Young  gentlemen,  you  will  be  examined  to-day  upon 
the  literature  of  the  Bible.  Mr.  Altbot,  will  you  describe, 
or  rather  indicate,  the  significance  of  badger-skin  ?" 

"Yes,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Abbot:  "a  badger-skin  was  the 
skin  of  a  badger." 


'o 


At  a  public  rais.sionary  meeting  in  Boston  several  years 
ago,  great  enthusiasm  was  manifested  in  the  frequent  an- 
nouncement of  large  sums  pledged  in  behalf  of  the  cause, 
wliicli  were  pliu^ed  in  the  contribntion-boxi'S  tln-u  being 
circulated.  A  very  largo  and  corpulent  young  clergyman, 
just  licensed,  weighing  some  two  hundred  and  forty  pounds, 


102  MIKTHFITLNESS. 

rose  in  the  audience,  and  said,  ''  Brethren,  I  have  no  money 
to  contribute  to  this  noble  cause ;  but  I  have  concluded  to 
put  myself  into  the  contribution-box."  The  idea  was  so 
ludicrous,  that  it  convulsed  the  vast  and  solemn  audience 
with  insuppressible  laughter. 

An  economical  clergyman  in  New  England  ingrafted  his 
own  apple-trees  by  sawing  off  the  limbs,  and  boring  holes 
in  the  centre  of  them,  in  which  he  inserted  his  scions. 

A  D.D.  in  one  of  our  cities  was  not  satisfied  with  having 
ice  brought  to  him  every  other  day.  He  said  he  wanted 
fresh  ice  every  day. 

A  learned  professor  in  a  Baptist  college,  in  the  absence 
of  his  servant,  was  requested  to  go  to  the  pasture  one  even- 
ing, and  drive  from  thence  his  wife's  cow.  Finding  a  num- 
ber of  cattle  in  the  pasture,  the  professor  asked  some  wag- 
gish students  who  happened  to  be  near  by  if  they  could 
point  out  to  him  his  wife's  cow.  They  directed  him  to  a 
broad-horned  ox,  which  he  drove  to  his  yard  to  be  milked. 

On  a  certain  sabbath,  during  a  very  severe  drought,  a 
minister  prayed  very  earnestly  for  rain.  On  the  night  fol- 
lowing, the  rain  fell  in  torrents,  and  occasioned  a  great 
amount  of  damage.  A  good  old  lady  on  Monday  said, 
"This  is  just  like  our  minister:  he  always  overdoes  every 
thing  he  undertakes." 

Dr.  Emmons  told  a  young  preacher  that  it  was  the  length, 
not  the  depth,  of  his  sermons,  which  wearied  his  hearers. 

The  Eakl  of  Laudekdale  was  alarmingly  ill ;  one 
distressing  symptom  being  the  total  absence  of  sleep.  His 
physicians  said  he  would  surely  die  if  he  did  not  obtain 


ANECDOTES   RESPECTING  CLERGYMEN.         103 

sleep  very  soou.  His  son,  liearing  this  remark,  cried  out, 
*'  Sen  for  that  preaclung-mau  frae  Livingstone ;  for  father 
aye  sleeps  in  the  kirk."  The  hint  was  adopted  :  the  min- 
ister came  to  the  sick  man's  bedside,  preached,  and  sleep 
came  to  the  relief  of  the  patient,  and  he  recovered. 

A  Scotch  clergyman  had  a  strajiger  preach  for  him  one 
day.  Meeting  his  beadle  at  the  close  of  the  service,  he 
said  to  him,  "Well,  Sanders,  how  did  you  like  the  preach- 
ing to-day?"  —  '*!  watna,  sir,  it' was  rather  o'erplain  and 
simple  for  me.  I  like  the  sermon  that  jumbles  the  judg- 
ment, and  confounds  the  sense.  Od,  sir,  I  never  saw  one 
that  could  come  up  to  yourself  at  that." 

An  ignorant  Scotchman  went  to  the  kirk  one  day  to 
get  his  child  christened.  The  question,  "How  many  com- 
mandments are  there  ?  "  was  proposed  to  him  ;  and  he  re- 
plied, ^'' Twenty. ^^  —  "0  you  ignorant  fellow!"  exclaimed 
the  officiating  clergyman :  "  go  and  learn  how  many  com- 
mandments there  are  before  you  bring  your  child  here  for 
baptism." 

As  he  was  retiring  from  the  kirk,  he  met  a  neighbor 
going  there  with  his  child  for  the  same  ceremony  which  had 
been  denied  him.  He  asked  his  neighbor  how  many  com- 
mandments there  were,  and  was  told  that  there  were  ten. 
"  All !  my  good  fellow,"  said  he,  "  you  may  as  well  turn  back 
with  me ;  for  I  offered  the  minister  twenty,  and  he  would 
not  baptize  my  child." 

On  a  certain  occa.sion,  when  Dr.  Wayland  was  discussing 
the  subject  of  miracles  with  a  class  of  young  men,  one  of 
them,  to  exhibit  his  shrewdness,  made  the  following  suppo- 
bition  :  — 

"  Dr.  Waylaud,  suppose  I  Hhuuld  solemnly  declare  to  you, 
that,  in  coming  to   the  college-building  this   morning,  tho 


104  MTETHFULNESS. 

lamp-post  on  sucli  a  street  bowed,  and  spoke  to  me,  utter- 
ing intelligent  sentiment :  what  would  you  say  ? "  The 
doctor  replied,  •'  I  should  ask  you,  my  son,  where  you  spent 
last  night  ?  " 

A  preacher,  whose  custom  it  was  to  preach  very  long  ser- 
mons, exchanged  with  one  who  only  preached  half  as  long. 
At  about  the  customary  time  for  dismissing,  the  audience 
began  to  go  out.  This  hegira  continued  till  all  had  left  but 
the  sexton,  who  stood  it  as  long  as  he  could,  and  then, 
walking  up  to  the  pulpit-stairs,  said  to  the  preacher  in  a 
whisper,  "  When  you  have  got  through,  please  lock  up,  and 
leave  the  key  at  my  house,  next  to  the  church." 

A  good  old  Methodist  preacher,  long  ago  removed  from 
this  scene  of  temptation,  in  relating  his  "  experience,"  said 
that  woman's  eye  was  once  so  powerful  as  to  draw  him  thir- 
teen miles  over  a  rough  road  in  winter,  simply  for  her  to  tell 
him  that  she  wouldn't  marry  him. 

"  Mary,  my  love,"  said  a  pastor  to  his  not  very  amiable 
wife  at  the  dinner-table,  "  shall  I  help  you  to  a  piece  of  the 
heart  ?  "  —  "I  believe,"  said  she,  " that  a  piece  of  the  heart 
was  all  that  I  ever  got."  There  was  a  commotion  among 
the  dishes. 

One  of  Bishop  Bloomfield's  hon-mots  was  uttered  dur- 
ing his  last  illness.  He  inquired  what  had  been  the  sub- 
ject of  his  two  archdeacon's  charges ;  and  was  told  that 
one  was  on  the  art  of  making  sermons,  and  the  other  on 
churchyards.  *' Oh!  I  see,"  said  the  bishop  :  ''composition 
and  decomposition." 

A  Welsh  clergyman  applied  to  his  diocesan  for  a  living. 
The  bishop  promised  him  one ;  but,  as  the  clergyman  was 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.  105 

taking  his  leave,  he  expressed  hopes  that  liis  lordship  would 
not  send  him  into  the  interior  of  the  principality,  as  his 
wife  could  not  speak  Welsh.  "  Your  wife,  sir ! "  said  the 
bishop :  "  what  has  your  wife  to  do  with  it  ?  She  does  not 
preach,  does  she  ?  "  —  "No,  my  lord,"  said  the  parson ;  "  but 
she  lectures." 

In  the  State  of  Ohio,  there  resided  a  family,  consisting  of 
an  old  man  and  four  sous,  by  the  name  of  Beaver,  who  had 
often  laughed  to  scorn  the  advice  and  entreaties  of  a  pious 
though  very  eccentric  minister  who  resided  in  the  same  town. 
One  .of  the  boys  was  bitten  by  a  rattlesnake ;  and,  in  the 
prospect  of  sudden  death,  the  minister  was  sent  for  in  great 
haste.  On  his  arrival,  he  found  the  young  man  very  peni- 
tent, and  anxious  to  be  prayed  for.  Calling  the  family 
together,  the  minister  knelt,  and  prayed,  "  0  Lord !  we 
thank  thee  for  rattlesnakes.  We  thank  thee  that  a  rattle- 
snake has  bit  Jim.  We  pray  that  thou  wouldst  send  one 
to  bite  John,  and  one  to  bite  Sam,  and  one  to  bite  Bill. 
And,  0  Lord !  send  the  biggest  kind  of  a  rattlesnake  to  bite 
the  old  man ;  for  nothing  but  rattlesnakes  will  ever  bring 
the  Beaver  family  to  repentance." 

"Dey  don't  die  DAT  Way."  — The  following  comment 
of  a  colored  preacher  on  the  text,  "  It  is  more  blessed  to 
give  than  to  receive,"  is  inimitable  for  its  points  as  well  as 
eloquence  :  '*'  I've  known  many  a  church  to  die  'cause  it 
didn't  give  enough  ;  but  I  never  knowed  a  church  to  die 
'cause  it  gave  too  much.  Dey  don't  die  dat  way.  Bred- 
eren,  has  any  of  you  knowed  a  church  to  die  'cause  it  gave 
too  much  ?  If  you  do,  just  let  mo  know,  and  I'll  make  a 
pilgrimage  to  that  church,  and  I'll  climb  by  de  soft  light  of 
de  moon  up  do  moss-covered  roof,  and  lift  my  hands  to 
heaven,  and  say,  *  Blcased  are  de  dead  dat  die  in  do 
I^rd.' " 


106  •  MIETHFULNESS. 

A  clergyman  of.  olden  time,  in  New  England,  was  accus- 
tomed to  visit  the  store  in  the  village  for  the  double  purpose 
of  obtaining  his  dram,  and  lecturing  loiterers  who  spent  too 
much  time  there  and  drank  too  freely  at  the  bar.  He  was 
a  great  enemy  to  intemperance,  and  had  an  intense  hatred 
of  hypocrisy.  One  winter  morning,  the  venerable  pastor 
walked  into  the  attractive  room,  and  took  his  seat  before 
the  fire.  While  he  sat  there,  a  large  number  of  persons 
called  for  their  morning  dram;  one  saying  he  had  taken 
cold,  another  that  he  felt  chilly,  another  that  his  stomach 
was  out  of  order,  another  that  he  did  not  feel  well,  and 
another  that  he  was  going  into  the  cold,  &c.  Disgusted  with 
these  excuses,  the  pastor  stepped  to  the  bar,  and  said  in  a 
commanding  voice,  "  Pass  that  decanter  this  way :  I  want  a 
drink  of  gin  because  I  love  it." 

A  Scotch  minister  in  a  strange  parish,  wishing  to  know 
what  his  people  thought  of  his  preaching,  questioned  the 
beadle. 

''What  do  they  say  of  Mr. ?"  (his  predecessor.) 

"Oh ! "  said  the  beadle,  "they  say  he  is  not  sound." 
Minister.     "  What  do  they  say  of  the  new  minister  ?  " 
(himself) 

Beadle.     "  Oh  !  they  say  he's  all  sound  !  " 

A  very  excitable  colored  preacher,  called  to  marry  a 
couple,  in  his  extemporaneous  ceremony  expatiated  upon 
love.  He  earnestly  enjoined  upon  the  parties  to  love  one 
another,  their  fathers  and  mothers,  brothers  and  sisters, 
uncles  and  aunts,  and  cousins  of  every  grade,  &c.  Having 
finished  the  ceremony,  with  his  soul  full  of  emotion,  he 
started  the  hymn,  — 

"  Plunged  in  a  gulf  of  dark  despair," 
which  he  sang  with  intense  feeling. 


ANECDOTES  RESPECTING   CLERGYMEN.         107 

"Wit  when  wanted.  —  The  facetious  Watty  Morrison, 
as  he  was  commonly  called,  was  entreating  the  commanding 
officer  at  Fort  George  to  pardon  a  poor  fellow  sent  to  the 
halberds. 

The  latter  granted  .his  request  on  condition  that  ^Mr.  Mor- 
rison should  grant  the  first  favor  which  he  asked  ;  that  being 
to  perform  the  ceremony  of  baptism  for  a  young  puppy.  A 
merry  party  of  gentlemen  were  invited  to  the  christening. 

;Mr.  Iklorrison  desired  Major to  hold  up  the  dog. 

"  As  I  am  a  minister  of  the  Kirk  of  Scotland,"  said  he, 
"I  must  proceed  accordingly." 

The  officer  replied  that  he  desired  no  more. 

"  Well,  then,  major,"  rejoined  the  other,  "  I  begin  with 
the  usual  question,  'You  acknowledge  yourself  to  be  the 
father  of  this  puppy?'" 

Th»  major  felt  the  force  of  the  joke,  and  threw  down 
the  animal. 

Thus  did  the  witty  minister  turn  the  laugh  against  the 
insnarer,  who  intended  to  deride  the  sacred  ordinance. 

On  another  occasion,  when  a  young  officer  scoffed* at  the 
parade  of  study  to  which  churchmen  assigned  their  right  of 
remuneration  for  labor,  and  offered  to  bet  that  he  would 
preach  half  an  hour  upon  a  verse,  or  section  of  a  verse,  from 
any  part  of  the  Scripture,  Mr.  Morrison  pointed  out  the  fol- 
lowing Wfjrds :  — 

"  And  the  ass  opened  his  mouth,  and  spake." 

The  former,  however,  declined  employing  his  eloquence 
on  that  passage,  and  thereby  was  put  in  confusion. 

Rev.  Mr.  Robbixs  of  Chelsea  said,  when  the  society  of 
hia  brother  in  Uost.^n  were  building  a  very  expensive 
cliurch  for  which  they  were  unable  to  pay,  "  My  brother 
lias  tried  fur  years  to  briiif^  his  people  to  repentance,  and  ho 
is  now  in  the  way  to  succeed."  The  house  was  sold  to  pay 
the  parish  debt  incurred  in  its  erection. 


108  MIRTHFULNESS. 

On  a  certain  occasion,  Mr.  Bobbins  attended  a  ministerial 
association,  wearing  a  pair  of  nankeen  pantaloons.  Dr. 
P of  Boston,  who  had  great  regard  for  ministerial  pro- 
priety and  dignity,  said  to  Mr.  Kobbins,  — 

"  I  am  astonished  at  seeing  you  here  in  such  costume." 

"  What  objection  have  you  to  my  costume,  doctor?"  said 
Mr  Bobbins.    "  Is  it  not  clean  ?  " 

''  It  is  clean  enough,"  said  Dr.  P ;  "  but  just  think 

of  a  minister  appearing  in  a  ministerial  association  in  nan- 
keen pantaloons ! " 

"  I  don't  carry  my  religion  in  my  pantaloons,"  was  Mr. 
Eobbins's  reply.     This  excited  Dr.  P to  say,  — 

"■  This  is  just  like  you.  People  tell  me  that  you  preach 
religious  nonsense." 

"  Well,  doctor,"  said  Mr.  Bobbins,  "  I  have  the  advantage 
of  you  ;  for  they  tell  me  that  you  preach  nonsense  without 
religion." 

There  were  two  clergymen  residing  in  a  Western  city,  who 
bore  the  name  of  Bobert  Collter.  One  was  an  English- 
man, and  a  radical  Unitarian  ;  the  other,  whose  name  was 
Bobert  L.,  was  a  Methodist.  A  gentleman  wishing  to 
see  the  latter,  with  whom  he  had  no  acquaintance,  called 
upon  the  former,  who  said  to  him,  "  I  am  Bev.  Bobert 
Collyer,  but  not  Bobert  Hell.  The  Bobert  who  has  the 
Hell  in  him  lives  on  such  a  street." 


ABOUT  LAWYERS. 


ABOUT   UWYERS. 


A  PIOUS  old  man  asked  an  aged  Christian  lawyer  if  he 
thought  that  a  man  could  be  a  successful  lawyer  and  a 
Christian.  The  reply  was,  "It  depends  altogether  upon 
how  he  behaves."  Some  of  the  following  anecdotes  will 
illustrate  the  fact,  that  some  people  think  that  the  legal 
profession  is  unfavorable  to  the  cultivation  of  piety,  and 
even  of  honesty.  Lawyers  constitute  a  necessary  and  useful 
class  of  citizens,  and  some  of  them  have  developed  rich  veins 
of  wit  and  humor. 


The  celebrated  Rufus  Choate  was  the  most  successful 
jury -lawyer  that  ever  pleaded  beftre  a  Massachusetts  court. 
His  biof,'r:iplier  infurms  us  that  he  secured  eminence  at  the 
bar  within  two  years  from  the  date  of  his  admission  thereto, 
and  from  that  time,  while  he  remained  in  his  native  county, 
he  had  all  the  criminal  defences,  and  no  jury  ever  brought 
in  a  verdict  of  guilty  against  a  client  deft?nded  by  him. 
After  his  admission  to  full  practice  in  the  Supreme  Judicial 
Court,  at  one  term  he  procured  the  acquittal  of  all  whom  he 
defended  ;  and  they  constituted  nearly  the  entire  docket. 
The  Court  closed  the  week  before  Thanksgiving  ;  and  it  was 
said,  "  The  rogues  went  home  to  enjoy  that  festival,  instead 
of  going  to  jail  and  the  penitentiary."  "The  old  and  ven- 
erable   attorney-general    said    pleasantly,  at  one  of  these 


111 


112  MIETHFULNESS. 

trials,  that  Choate  was  a  conjurer,  and  lie  really  believed 
the  days  of  the  Salem  witchcraft  had  returned."  In  1848, 
the  compiler  published  a  pamphlet  upon  a  criminal  case 
tried  at  Lowell,  in  which  Mr.  Choate  appeared,  as  he  said, 
for  the  first  time,  against  an  accused  person.  The  parties 
by  whom  he  was  employed  were  personally  interested  in 
securing  the  conviction  of  the  accused,  and  he  exerted  him- 
self to  effect  the  result.  One  chapter  in  the  pamphlet  re- 
ferred to  bears  this  title :  "  Mk.  Choate,  the  unequalled 
Advocate."  The  following  quotation  constitutes  about 
one-third  of  this  chapter  :  — 

"  I  had  heard  much  of  the  oratory  of  this  very  distin- 
guished lawyer,  and  especially  of  his  power  over  a  jury ;  but 
I  must  say,  the  half  was  not  told  me.     I  never  heard  his 
equal,  never,  no,  never ;  and  I  doubt  whether  it  was  ever 
heard  before  a  court;  and  jury.     During  his  argument,  he 
exerts  upon  his  hearers  a  peculiar,  an  enchanting  influence, 
in  addition  to  what  he  says.     I  never  was  so  sensible  of  this 
influence  before.     I  had  experienced  the  like,  but  never  to 
such  extent.     I  don't  know  what  to  call  it ;  but  they  who 
have  listened  to  this  matchless  orator  will  understand  what 
I  mean.     He'  exhibits  a  good  deal  of  action,  and  treats  the 
jury  with  much  respect.     He  steps  backward  and  forward ; 
and  when  he  comes  near  the  enchanted  twelve,  and  shakes 
his  trembling  fingers,  he  seems  to  be  scattering  electricity 
among  them.     He   combines   ingenuity  in   argument  with 
great  force  and  beauty  of  style.     His   argument  appears 
like  an  iron  cable  wreathed  with  roses ;  but  close  examina- 
■  tion  will  show  that  the  most  beautiful  part  of  the  wreath  is 
sometimes  made  to  supply  a  missing  link.     So   skilfully  is 
this  done,  however,  that  many  take  it  for  granted  that  the 
iron  is  all  there,  and  that  the  whole  is  as  strong  as  it  is 
beautiful.     His  gestures  are  graceful  and  forcible,  and  the 
tones  of  his  voice  are  the  tones  of  an  orator.     When  deeply 
interested,  his  whole  soul  seems  to  be  on  fire  with  his  sub- 


ABOUT  LAWYERS.  113 

ject,  and  he  appears  to  be  thorouglil}''  convinced  that  he  is 
advocating  the  truth.  lie  is  a  skilful  painter.  I  remember 
a  scene  of  his  invention  in  P.'s  case.  In  this  scene,  the 
accused  was  made  to  act  an  important  part.  He  was  rep- 
resented in  this  imaginary  scene  as  the  chief  conspirator 
against  the  innocent  F.  According  to  the  orator's  repre- 
sentation, P.'s  plans  were  about  to  be  destroyed  by  the 
question  proposed  by  Mr.  M.  P.  heard  that  question,  and 
saw  its  bearing:  he  hesitated;  but  the  temptation  was 
too  strong.  He  yielded,  and  was  lost,  lost,  lost  !  The 
word  '  lost '  was  first  uttered  in  an  emphatic  half-whisper, 
then  more  of  a  whisper,  and  finally  in  a  perfect  one  pro- 
longed. The  effect  was  tremendous ;  all  of  which  was 
produced  by  painting;  for  the  evidence  shows  that  there 
was  nothing,  absolutely  nothing,  to  tempt  P.  to  answer  no, 
rather  than  yes."  In  connection  with  his  oratorical  powers, 
be  possessed  the  gift  at  repartee,  a  keen  sense  of  the  ludi- 
crous, with  geniality  and  imperturbable  good  lumior.  A  man 
of  small  property,  belonging  to  Cliarlestown,  culled  upon 
Mr.  Choate  to  ascertain  whether  a  tax  of  ten  dollars  had 
been  rightly  levied  or  not.  The  great  advocate  turned  him 
over  to  his  young  partner,  who  prepared  an  opinion,  and 
secured  his  senior's  signature  to  the  same,  who  told  him  to 
charge  a  fee  of  twenty-five  dollars  for  the  work.  When  the 
opinion  was  called  for,  the  jtoor  client  comj)lained  of  the 
high  charge,  and  said  he  had  but  fifteen  dollars  ready  money 
in  the  world.  The  junior  partner  took  the  fifteen  dollars, 
and  receipted  the  bill;  and,  when  ho  told  his  senior  what  ho 
had  done,  tlie  distinguished  lawyer  said,  "  You  took  all  ho 
had,  did  you?  Well,  I've  nothing  to  say  to  that:  thnt's 
strictly  professional." 

In  a  speech  l>eforo  a  legislative  committoo  in  behalf  of 
petitioners  to  set  ofT'thri'e  wards  of  the  city  of  Iloxbury  as 
a  separate  agricultural  town,  he  said,  "  My  brother  may 
oomo  with  his  lioneyed  wonls,  and  toll  how  much  he  loves 

6 


114  MIETHFULNESS. 

us  ;  but  I  ask  for  this  separation  on  tlie  ground  of  incom- 
patibility of  interest,  and  demand  it  on  the  ground  of  in- 
compatibility of  temper.  I  remember  to  have  passed  a  por- 
tion of  my  life  in  New  Ipswich.  There  was  Old  Ipswich. 
There  was  the  town,  and  there  the  numbers,  I  will  tell 
you  an  instance  of  their  government  of  us.  Among  the 
objects  of  expenditure  were  fire-engines,  hose,  hooks,  and 
ladders.  I  remember  that  the  people  of  Old  Ipswich  kept 
all  the  engines  in  Chebaco  (which  was  the  old  Indian  name 
of  the  town),  and  sent  down  very  religiously  the  hooks  to 
New  Ipswich,  in  order  to  pull  down  the  buildings,  to  pre- 
vent any  farther  spread  of  fire,  the  houses  being  at  least 
half  a  mile  from  each  other."  In  alluding  to  a  witness, 
who,  wishing  to  avoid  close  examination  in  court,  feigned 
sickness,  and  had  his  deposition  taken  by  two  lawyers  asso- 
ciated with  him,  Mr.  Choate  said,  "  We  sent  Drs.  Durant 
and  i)ana  to  him:  they  cured  the  patient ;  but  they  hilled 
the  witness" 


A  Police  Judge.  —  A  number  of  years  ago,  a  man  pre- 
sided over  the  Police  Court  in  Portsmouth,  N.H.,  who  had 
a  large  capacity  for  food,  and  was  extravagantly  fond  of 
eating.  A  farmer  brought  some  turkeys  to  market ;  and 
several  of  them  were  stolen  from  his  wagon,  but  were  re- 
covered on  a  warrant  issued  by  the  astute  judge  under  con- 
sideration, and  the  thief  was  bound  over  for  trial  before  a 
higher  court.  The  judge  told  the  farmer  that  he  must 
retain  the  turkeys  for  testimony.  The  farmer  submitted, 
without  being  able  to  see  how  the  suit  would  profit  him. 
On  the  witness-stand,  the  judge  was  asked  what  became  of 
the  turkeys.  His  reply  was,  passing  his  hands  over  his 
well-developed  abdomen,  "The  turkeys  perished  in  the 
custody  of  law." 


When  Judge  Stoker  was  told  that  he  lost  much  time  by 


ABOUT  LAWYERS.  115 

his  habit  of  late  rising,  he  replied,  "  It  matters  less  at  what 
time  of  day  a  mau  opens  his  eyes,  thari  it  does  whether  he 
is  wide  awake  after  they  are  opened."  When  walking  with 
several  large  men,  one  of  them  asked  him  how  he  felt  walk- 
ing with  gentlemen  so  much  larger  than  himself.  Judge 
Store r*s  reply  was,  "  I  feel  like  a  fourpeuce-ha'penny  among 
six  cents." 


Hon*.  Judge  Russell.  —  Speaking  at  the  dinner  in 
honor  of  Commodore  Wilkes,  soon  after  he  had  taken  Ma- 
son and  Slidell  from  "  The  Trent,"  Judge  Russell  said  that 
these  foreign  ministers  were  now  to  be  regarded  as  "  settled 
ministers."  At  the  same  occasion,  speaking  of  "  The  Ala- 
bama's" depredations,  Mr.  Russell  turned  to  Mr.  George  B. 
Upton,  one  of  the  largest  losers  by  that  pirate,  and  said, 
"  But  these  remarks  are  not  for  the  public,  but  for  Mr. 
Upton's  private  ear"  (privateer). 

At  a  Unitarian  convention.  Judge  Russell  followed  Rev. 
E.  E.  Hale,  who  began  his  speech  by  saying  that  he  was  sent 
first,  as  little  elephants  were  sent  across  rivers  to  try  the 
strength  of  the  current,  and  to  make  it  safe  for  larger  ones 
to  follow.  Judge  Russell  began  by  saying  that  he  felt  like 
a  little  elephant  that  had  put  his  speech  in  his  trunk,  and 
left  his  trunk  at  home.  He  had  been  advised  to  commence 
his  speech  by  saying,  that,  during  that  year,  ten  thousand  one 
hundred  and  three  persons  had  come  before  him  in  criuiinal 
court,  and  only  thirteen  of  them  were  Unitarians ;  and  that 
he  didn't  see  these  thirteen.  "  But,"  said  he,  "  I  do  see 
them,  'and  some  of  them  are  second-comers ;  yea,  more, 
some  of  them  have  come  again  and  again ;  and  long  may 
they  continue  to  come  to  illustrate  that  charity  which  is 
better  than  any  sectarian  faith."  The  spcaki-r  followed  this 
introduction  witli  a  eulogy  u\um  the  Ministry  at  J..arg«'. 

A  green  member  of -the  Legislature  asked  the  mate  of 
the  school-ship  if  there  was  any  way  of  reaching  her  by 


116  MIRTHFULNESS. 

land.  The  mate,  willing  to  quiz  the  lawgiver,  said  that 
a  balloon  went  to  it  once  a  week  from  Boston  Common. 
Judge  Russell  added  immediately,  "We  really  haven't  a 
balloon ;  but  we  have  two  parachutes,"  pointing  to  the  four 
cannon,  which  made  two  pair  o'  shoots. 

When  certain  Whig  papers  abused  the  Hon.  Horace 
Mann  for  attacking  Mr.  Webster,  Judge  Russell  said,  in 
a  Free-soil  speech,  "  These  politicians  not  only  assailed  Mr. 
Mann,  but  declared  that  he  was  politically  dead. 

"  But  soon  a  wonder  came  to  light, 
Which  showed  tlae  rogues  they  lied: 
The  Mann  recovered  of  the  bite ; 
The  dogs  it  was  that  died." 


Judge  Hoar  was  trying  a  case  at  New  Bedford  where 
the  witnesses  all  bore  the  name  of  Cash,  and  all  appeared 
badly  on  the  witness-stand.  As  the  district  attorney 
called  his  fifth  witness,  "John  Cash,"  the  judge  leaned  for- 
ward, and  said,  "I  suppose  you  call  your  witnesses  cash 
because  they  are  no  credit  to  anybody." 

When  "  The  Boston  Atlas  "  said,  in  1848,  that  Dr.  Pal- 
frey's only  recommendation  for  Congress  was  his  knowledge 
of  the  dead  languages.  Judge  Hoar  retorted,  "  God  foi»bid 
that  the  language  of  liberty  should  ever  be  a  dead  language 
in  Middlesex  County  !  " 

Judge  Hoar's  father,  a  leading  lawyer  in  Middlesex 
County  for  many  years,  had  great  influence  with  the  jury. 
A  judge  told  him  one  day,  in  private  conversation,  that  his 
honest  face  was  worth  to  him  a  thousand  dollars  a  year  pro- 
fessionally. 

A  case  was  once  given  to  a  jury  in  which  Mr.  Hoar  had 
been  one  of  the  advocates ;  and  the  jury  was  told  to  retire 
with  the  sheriff,  and  make  up  their  verdict.  When  the 
officer  reached  the  jury-room,  he  found  he  had  but  eleven 
jurymen.      Returning  to   the   court -room,  he   found   the 


ABOUT  LAWYERS.  '  117 

twelfth  man  sitting  composedly  in  his  seat,  and  told  him 
he  must  go  out  with  his  associates,  and  help  make  up  the 
vertlict.  His  reply  was,  "  My  verdict  is  already  made  up, 
Squire.     Hoar  says  it  is  so  and  so ;  and  it  must  be  so." 

A  certain  American  lawyer  had  his  portrait  taken  in  his 
favorite  attitude,  standing  with  one  hand  in  his  pocket. 
His  friends  thought  it  was  an  excellent  picture  of  him.  An 
old  farmer  remarked  that  the  portrait  would  have  looked 
much  more  like  the  lawyer  if  it  had  represented  him  with 
his  hand  in  another  man's  pocket  instead  of  his  own. 


^\ji  American  judge  once  reprimanded  a  lawyer  for  bring- 
ing several  small  suits  into  court ;  remarking,  that  it  would 
have  been  better  for  the  parties  in  each  case  had  he  per- 
suaded them  to  an  arbitration  of  some  two  or  three  honest 
men.  "Please  your  Honor,"  retorted  the  lawyer,  "we  did 
not  choose  to  trouble  honest  men  with  them." 


A  drunken  lawyer  in  New  England,  going  into  church 
one  sabbatli,  was  observed  by  the  minister,  who  addressed 
liim  thus :  "  I  will  bear  witness  against  thee,  thou  great 
sinner,  in  the  day  of  judgment."  The  lawyer,  shaking  his 
head,  with  drunken  gravity  replied,  "  I  have  practised 
twenty  years  at  the  bar,  and  have  always  found  that  the 
greatest  rascal  is  the  first  to  turn  State's  evidence." 


The  celebrated  John  Randolph  met  a  personal  enemy  in 
the  street  one  day  wlio  refused  to  give  him  half  of  tin;  side- 
walk, saying  that  he  never  turned  out  for  a  rascal.  "I  do," 
said  Randolph,  stcpjting  aside,  and  politely  raising  his  liat. 
"  Pass  on." 


'llic  rivalry  of  Concord,  Acton,  an'l   Lexington,  for  Uio 
glories  of  tlic  I'Jth  of  April,  1775,  is  well  known.     Judgo 


118  MIRTHFULNESS. 

Hoar,  presiding  at  a  celebration  in  Concord,  paid  a  compli- 
ment to  the  memory  of  Capt.  Davis,  and  called  upon  a  ven- 
erable selectman  of  Acton  to  respond.  To  the  surprise  of 
all,  the  old  gentleman  made  this  reply :  "  I  give  you  the 
19th  of  April,  '75  ;  for  which  Concord  furnished  the  field, 
and  Acton  the  men." 


LOKD    ELDO]!f,    AN    ENGLISH   CHANCELLOR. Lord   El- 

don  did  not  entertain  a  very  exalted  opinion  of  "trial  by 
jury."  He  said,  "  I  remember  Mr.  Justice  Gould  trying  a 
case  at  York ;  and,  when  he  had  proceeded  about  two  hours, 
he  observed,  '  Here  are  only  eleven  jurymen  :  where  is  the 
twelfth  ? '  —  '  Please  you,  my  lord,'  said  one  of  the  eleven, 
'  he  has  gone  away  about  some  business ;  but  he  has  left  his 
verdict  with  me.' " 

Once,  when  leaving  Newcastle  after  a  very  successful 
assize,'a  farmer  rode  up  to  Lord  Eldon,  and  said,  "  Well, 
lawyer,  I  was  glad  you  carried  the  day  so  often ;  and,  if  I 
had  had  my  way,  you  would  never  once  have  been  beaten. 
I  was  foreman  of  the  jury,  and  you  were  sure  of  my  vote ; 
for  you  are  my  countryman,  and  we  are  proud  of  you." 

Lord  Eldon  used  to  relate  the  following  anecdote  to  illus- 
trate the  unreasonableness  of  the  complaints  against  public 
functionaries :  — 

"When  travelling  on  the  circuit,  I  stopped  to  bait  my 
horse  in  a  village  in  which  Mr.  Moiser  had  been  curate  a 
number  of  years  before.  I  asked  the  landlord  if  he  remem- 
bered Mr.  Moiser. 

" '  Yes,'  answered  he  with  an  oath,  '  I  well  remember 
him.  It  Avas  the  worst  day  this  parish  ever  saw  that 
brought  him  here.' 

" '  But,'  said  I,  '  Mr.  Moiser,  my  old  teacher,  was  a  very 
respectable  man.' 

" '  That  may  be,'  cried  Boniface ;  '  but  he  married  me  to 
the  worst  wife  that  ever  man  was  plagued  with.' 


ABOUT  LAWYERS.  119 

" '  Oh  !  is  that  all  ?  '  said  I.  '  That  was  your  own  fault : 
she  was  your  choice,  not  Mr.  Moiser^s.' 

"'Yes,'  concluded  he,  unconvinced;  'but  I  could  not 
have  been  married  if  there  had  not  been  a  parson  to  marry 
us.'" 

On  one  occasion,  when  George  III.  came  out  of  the 
House  of  Lords  after  opening  the  session  of  parliament, 
he  addressed  Lord  Eldon  thus :  "  Lord  Chancellor,  did  I 
deliver  the  speech  well  ?  " 

"  Very  well  indeed,  sir,"  was  the  answer. 

"  I  am  glad  of  that,"  replied  the  king ;  '^for  tliere  was 
nothing  in  it." 

Having  knighted  a  man  by  the  name  of  Day,  George 
III.  said  to  Lord  Eldon,  '•  Now  I  know  that  I  am  a  king ; 
for  I  have  turned  Dai/  into  Knight." 

In  writing  to  a  distinguished  lady  after  he  was  released 
from  office.  Lord  Eldon  said,  ''  I  have  no  small  comfort 
to-day  in  having  my  organ  of  hearing  relieved  from  the 
eternal  din  of  the  tongues  of  counsel.  I  am  sometimes 
tormented  (lie  had  no  ta.ste  for  music)  by  the  noise  of  Lady 
Gwydis's  Scotchmen  playing  under  my  windows  upon  the 
Scotch  instrument  vulgarly  called  the  bagpipe;  but  there 
is  music  in  that  droning  instrument,  compared  with  the 
battle  of  lawyers'  tongues." 

On  a  certain  day,  after  presenting  an  immense  number 
of  petition.^,  Lord  Eldon  at  last  said,  "I  now  hold  in  my 
hand  a  petition  which  I  do  not  know  how  to  treat.  It  is 
signed  hy  a  large  number  of  ladies.  I  am  not  aware 
whether  there  be  any  precedent  for  a<lmitting  ladies  as 
petitioners  to  your  lordships'  house ;  but  I  will  search  the 
journals,  and  see  wliether  they  have  ever  been  prevented 
from  remouHtrating  against  measures  which  they  consider 
injurious  to  the  constitution." 

Lord  King.  "Will  the  noble  and  li':irn(.d  i;trl  inforni 
the   houH«',  as   it   may   materially    influence  your  lordships' 


120  MiriTHFULNESS. 

decisiou,  whether  this  petition  expresses  the  sentiments  of 
young  or  of  old  ladies  ?  " 

Lord  Eldon.  ''I  cannot  answer  the  noble  lord  as  to 
the  exact  age  of  these  petitioners ;  but  of  this  I  am  sure, 
that  there  are  many  women,  both  young  and  old,  who  pos- 
sess more  knowledge  of  the  constitution,  and  more  common 
sense,  than  some  descendants  of  lord  chancellors." 

A  poor  curate  made  a  journey  on  foot  to  the  residence 
of  Lord  Eldon  for  the  purpose  of  soliciting  a  vacant  bene- 
fice, the  incumbent  of  which  had  just  died.     Learning  from 
his  servant  that  the  chajicellor  had  gone  out  a  short  distance 
on    a   sporting   trip,    the    curate  went   in   search   of  him. 
Coming  up  with  a  man   shabbily  dressed,  carrying  a  gun, 
and  accompanied  with  a  brace  of  dogs,  the  curate  inquired 
of  him  where  he   could  find  the  chancellor.     The  sports- 
man, who  was  the  chancellor  himself,  replied,  "  Not  far  off"." 
As  he  made  this  reply,  he  fired  at  a  flock  of  pigeons,  with 
no  success,  as  usual.     The  curate-  passed  on  in  his  search, 
and  soon  returned  to  the  sportsman,  whose  several  unpro- 
ductive shots  he  had  witnessed,  and  remarked  to  him,  that 
he  was  not  a  very  successful  shooter ;  and  added,  "  I  wish 
you  could  tell  me  where  to  find  Lord  Eldon."     The  sports- 
man replied,  "I  am  Lord  Eldon."     The  poor  curate  felt 
greatly  embarrassed,  and,  in  a  stammering  manner,  made 
known  his  business.     He  was  told  by  the  chancellor  that  he 
never  attended  to  such  business  during  his  seasons  of  recrea- 
tion, and  that  the  journey  had  been  a  failure.     The  disap- 
pointed curate  returned  home,  where  he  found  a  letter  from 
the  chancellor,  giving  him   the  preferment.     After  telling 
this  story.  Lord  Eldon  said  with  a  waggish  smile,  "  See  the 
ingratitude  of  mankind  !     It  was  not  long  before   a  large 
present  of  game  reached  me,  with  a  letter  from  my  new- 
made  rector,  purporting  that  he  had  sent  it  me ;  because, 
fro7ii  what  lie  had  seen  of  my  shooting,  he  supposed  I  must 
be  badly  ofi"  for  game.     Think  of  his  turning  upon  me  in 


ABOUT  LAWYERS.  121 

this  way,  after  the  kindness  I  had  done  him,  and  wounding 
me  in  my  very  tenderest  point !  " 

It  was  said  of  Lord  Eldon  "that  he  never  killed  any 
thing  but  time." 

The  following  was  his  answer  to  an  application  for  a 
piece  of  preferment  from  his  old  friend,  Dr.  Fisher,  of  the 
Charter  House :  — 

'•  Dear  Fisher,  I  cannot  to-day  give  you  the  preferment 
for  which  you  ask.  I  remain  your  sincere  friend  Eldon. 
Turn  over."  On  the  other  side  was  written,  "  I  gave  it  to 
you  yesterday.^'' 

A  counsel  at  the  chancery  bar,  by  way  of  denying  collu- 
sion suspected  to  exist  between  him  and  the  counsel  repre- 
senting another  party,  having  said,  "My  lord,  I  assure 
your  lordship  there  is  no  understanding  between  us,"  the 
chancellor  observed,  "  I  once  heard  a  squire  in  the  House 
of  Commons  say  of  himself  and  another  squire,  '  We  have 
never,  through  life,  had  but  one  idea  between  us ; '  but  I 
tremble  for  the  suitors  when  I  am  told  that  two  eminent  prac- 
titioners at  my  bar  have  no  understanding  between  them." 

When  the  Welsh  jurisdiction  was  about  to  be  abolished, 
two  judges  were  appointed,  with  an  understanding,  that, 
if  it  were  abolished,  they  should  not  be  entitled  to  a  pension ; 
but  it  was  said  that  "  all  the  others  had  pensions  granted 
them  because  they  had  been  appointed  without  any  under- 
standing." 

When  engaged  in  hunting,  Lord  Eldon  alwa3'3  went 
shabbily  dressed,  that  ho  might  pass  people  in  disguise. 
The  following  anecdote  was  related  by  himself:  — 

"When  out  shooting  at  Encombe,  we  went  through  a 
field  where  a  boy  was  employed  to  drive  off  the  crows  and 
rooks  from  new-sown  wheat.  I  perceived  the  boy  following 
us  in  our  sport  at  least  a  mile  from  that  field.  *  My  boy,' 
said  I,  '  how  came  you  to  leave  your  work  ?  The  birds  will 
get  all  the  wheat.' 


122  MIETHFULNESS. 

"  '  Ob,  no  !  my  lord/  said  the  boy :  '  tbey  saw  your  lord- 
ship in  the  field ;  and  they  won't  dare  come  again,  now 
they  know  you  have  been  there.' " 

Lord  Eldon  told  the  following  story  respecting  himself:  — ■ 
"  One  day,  as  I  was  on  my  grounds  with  my  dog  and 
gun,  in  my  usual  shooting  attire,  I  heard  two  reports  in  an 
adjoining  field,  and  saw  what  appeared  to  be  —  as,  in  fact, 
they  afterwards  proved  —  two  gentlemen.  I  accosted  them 
with,  '  Gentlemen,  I  apprehend  you  have  not  Lord  Eldon's 
permission  to  shoot  on  his  grounds  ? '  To  which  one  of 
them  replied,  — 

"  '  Oh  !  permission  is  not  necessary  in  our  case.' 
'' '  May  I  venture  to  ask  why,  gentlemen  ? '  I  said. 
" '  Because  we  flushed  our  birds  on  other  grounds  ;  and 
the  law  entitles  us  to  follow  our  game  anywhere.     If  you 
ask  your  master,  he  will  tell  you  that  is  the  lawJ     Where- 
upon I  said,  — 

" '  I  don't  think  it  will  be  necessary  to  trouble  him  on 
that  account;  since,  to  tell  you  the  truth,  I  am  Lord  Eldon 
myself.' 

"  They  instantly  sought  to  apologize  ;  but  I  added,  — 
"'Come,   gentlemen,   our  meeting   has   begun   in    good 
humor,   and  so  let  it  end.     Pursue  your  pleasure  on  my 
grounds  :  only,  next  time,  don't  be  quite  so  positive  in  your 
law.' " 


When  Lord  John  Campbell,  LL.D.,  was  an  under- 
graduate, while  skating  one  day,  he  fell  through  the  ice,  and 
was  immersed  to  his  neck  in  water.  Having  extricated 
himself  from  his  unpleasant  position,  he'  was  approached 
by  a  brandy-vender,  who  recommended  some  hot  sling.  A 
fellow-student  passing  by  cried  out  to  the  retailer,  "  None 
of  your  brandy  for  that  wet  young  man  :  he  never  drinks 
but  when  he  is  dryJ''  A  proper  pendant  to  this  joke  is 
that   of  the  old  Scotch  woman,  who,  upon   an  wwpopular 


ABOUT  LAWYERS.  123 

preacher  coming  into  her  house  after  being  exposed  to  a 
heavy  shower  of  rain,  and  asking  leave  to  dry  himself  at 
her  fire,  advised  him  "  to  go  into  the  poopit,  where  he  would 
be  sure  to  be  dry  enough^ 


CuRRAN",  THE  Great  Irish  Lawyer.  —  Mr.  Curran, 
riding  one  day  by  the  country-seat  of  a  judge  whom  he 
know,  was  interested  in  a  group  of  lovely  children  whom  he 
perceived  playing  in  the  avenue.  He  stopped  to  inquire  to 
whom  all  these  fine  children  belonged  :  he  was  answered  by 
the  nurse,  who  had  a  beautiful  infant  in  her  arms,  that  they 

were  the  children  of  Judge .     "  Pray,  my  good  woman, 

how  many  of  them  has  he  ?  "  —  "  There  are  twelve  playing 
about  in  the  j-ard,  and  this  in  my  arms  is  the  thirteenth." 
"  Then,"  said  Curran,  "  the  judge  has  a  full  jury,  and  may 
proceed  to  trial  whenever  he  chooses;  and  the  youngest  one 
will  make  an  excellent  crier."  A  gentleman  thinking  much 
of  his  dress,  and  wishing  to  display  a  new  pair  of  half-boots, 
appealed  to  Curran  for  his  opinicm  of  them.  Curran  said 
'•  he  observed  but  one  fault,  —  they  showed  too  much  of  the 
calf"  A  Mr.  Hoare's  countenance  was  very  grave  and 
solemn,  with  an  expression  like  one  of  the  statues  of  the 
head  of  Brutus.  When  he  smiled,  which  was  very  seldom, 
he  smiled  in  such  away  as  seemed  to  have  rebuked  the  spirit 
tliat  could  smile  at  all.  Mr.  Curran,  once  observing  a  beam 
•"'^  j'^'y  to  enliven  his  face,  remarked,  "  AVhenover  I  see 
smiles  on  Hoare's  countenance,  I  think  they  are  like  tin 
'I  asps  on  a  coffin." 

A  politician,  wishing  to  elevate  himself  by  giving  a  de- 
scription of  Ireland's  grievances,  asked  Mr.  Curran  to  supply 
biin  with  a  list  of  them.  The  hitter,  understanding  the 
si'lfish  motives  of  the  former,  declined  granting  his  re<|uest. 
When  asked  by  a  third  party  wliy  ho  did  not  grant  it,  ho 
replied,  "  At  my  time  of  life,  I  have  no  notion  of  turning 
hod/nan  to  any  political  architect." 


124  MIRTHFULNESS. 

The  following  is  Curran's  description  of  his  first  appear- 
ance at  a  debating  society  :    "  I  stood  up.     My  mind  was 
stored  with  about  a  folio  volun\e  of  matter ;  but,  for  want  of 
a  preface,  the  volume  was  never  published.       I  stood  up, 
trembling  through  at   every  fibre.     Though  remembering 
that  in  this  I  was  but  imitating  Tully,  I  took  courage,  and 
had  actually  proceeded  about  as   far  as    'Mr.  Chairman,' 
when,  to  my  astonishment  and  terror,  I  perceived  that  every 
eye  was  riveted  upon  me.  There  were  only  six  or  seven  pres- 
ent, and'the  little  room  could  not  have  contained  as  many 
more  ;  yet  it  was  to   my  pain-stricken  imagination,  as  if  I 
were  the  central  object  in  Nature,  and  assembled  millions 
were  gazing  on  me  with  breathless  expectation.     I  became 
dismayed  and  dumb.     My  friends  cried,  '  Hear  him  ! '  but 
there  was  nothing  to  hear.     My  lips,  indeed,  went  through 
the  pantomime  of  articulation :  but  I  was  like  the  unfortu- 
nate fiddler  at  the  fair,  who,  coming  to  strike  up  the  solo 
that  was  to  ravish  every  ear,  discovered  that  an  enemy  had 
maliciously  soaped  his  bow ;  or  rather  like  poor  Punch,  as  I 
once  saw  him,  grimacing  a  soliloquy  of  which  his  prompter 
had  most  indiscreetly  neglected  to  administer  the  words." 
Such  was  the  debut  of  stuttering  Jack  Curran,  or  Orator 
Mum   as  he  was  waggishly  styled ;  but  not  many  months 
elapsed  ere  the  sun  of  his  eloquence  burst  forth  in  dazzling 
splendor.     "  Curran,"  said  a  judge  to  him,  whose  wig,  being 
a  little  awry,  caused  some  laughter  in  court,  "  do  you  see 
any  thing  ridiculous   in  my  wig?"  —  "Nothing  but  the 
head,  my  lord,"  was  the  prompt  reply.     One  day,  Curran  sat 
opposite  to  Toler  at  dinner,  who  was  called  the  "hanging- 
judge."  —  "  Curran,"  said  Toler,  "  is  that  hung-beef  before 
you  ?  "  —  "  Do  you  try  it,  my  lord,  and  then  it's  sure  to  be." 
A  great  big  Irish  counsellor  said   to  Curran,  "  If  you  go 
on  so,  I'll  put   you  in  my  pocket."  —  "  If  you    do,"    said 
Curran,  "  you'll  have  more  law  in  your  pocket  than  you 
ever  had  in  your  head." 


ABOUT  LAWYERS.  125 

An  Irish  barrister,  pleading  before  Lord  Clare,  tbougbt 
proper  to  introduce  an  eagle ;  and,  after  vainly  trying  to 
carry  out  and  apply  his  metaphor,  broke  down.  "  The  next 
time,  sir,"  said  the  chancellor,  "  that  you  bring  an  eagle 
into  court,  I  recommend  you  to  clip  his  wings." 

A  counsellor  endeavored  to  overcome  the  judge,  Lord 
Newbury,  the  distinguished  punster.  One  day,  when  Lord 
Newbury  was  charging  a  jury,  the  address  was  interrupted 
by  the  braying  of  a  donkey.  "  What  noise  is  that  ?  "  cried 
Lord  Newbury.  "'Tis  only  the  echo  of  the  court,  my 
lord,"  answered  Counsellor  Ready-Tongue.  Not  discon- 
certed, the  judge  resumed  his  address  ;  but  soon  the  coun- 
sellor interposed  with  technical  objections.  While  putting 
them,  the  donkey  brayed  again.  "  One  at  a  time,  if  you 
please,"  said  the  retaliating  joker. 

An  attorney  in  Dublin  having  died  exceedingly  poor,  a 
shilling-subscription  was  set  afoot  to  pay  the  expenses  of 
his  funeral.  Most  of  the  attorneys  and  barristers  having 
subscribed,  one  of  them  applied  to  Toler,  afterwards  Lord 
Chief-Justice  Newbury,  expressing  a  hope  that  he  would 
also  subscribe  his  shilling.  "  Only  a  shilling !  "  said  Toler; 
"only  a  shilling  to  bury  an  attorney?  Here  is  a  guinea: 
go  and  bury  one  and  twenty  of  them." 

Curran  had  a  perfect  horror  of  fleas;  and  those  vermin 
seemed  to  show  liim  peculiar  hostility.  "  If  they  infested 
a  house,"  he  said,  "  they  would  all  assemble  in  his  bed- 
chamber when  they  knew  he  was  to  sleep  there."  Being 
dreadfully  annoyed  one  night  by  these  pests,  in  the  morn- 
ing he  thus  a<ldressed  the  landlady:  "I  declare,  madam, 
tlu^  fleas  were  iujjuch  numbers,  and  seized  upon  my  carcass 
with  so  much  ferocity,  that  if  they  had  been  unanimous, 
and  all  pulled  one  way,  they  must  have  dragged  me  out  of 
bed  entirely!"  Curran's  ruling  [)a.HHion  was  a  joke.  In 
his  last  illness,  his  physician  observing  in  the  morning  that 
he  coughed  witli  more  difliiulty,  he*  n-plied,  "That  is  sur- 
prising, as  1  have  been  practising  all  night." 


126  MIRTHFULNESS. 

An  Irish  judge  by  the  name  of  Ham,  after  listening  some 
time  to  two  young  barristers  who  harangued  the  court, 
each  most  positively  laying  down  "  the  law  of  the  case  "  in 
direct  opposition  to  his  opponent's  statement  of  it,  said, 
when  asked  the  point,  "How,  gentlemen,  can  I  settle  it 
between  you  ?  You,  sir,  positively  say  the  law  is  one  way  ; 
and  you,  sir,  as  unequivocally,  that  it  is  the  other  way.  I 
earnestly  wish,  Billy  Harris,"  turning  to  his  register,  "  I 
knew  what  the  law  really  was."  —  "  My  lord,"  replied  Billy 
Harris  most  sententiously,  rising  at  the  same  moment,  and 
casting  a  despairing  glance  toward  the  bench,  "  if  I  pos- 
sessed that  knowledge,  I  would  impart  it  to  your  lordship 
with  a  great  deal  of  pleasure."  —  "  Then  we'U  sav&  the 
'point,  Billy  Harris ! "  exclaimed  the  judge. 

A  more  modern  justice  of  the  Irish  king's  bench,  in 
giving  his  dictum  on  a  certain  will  case,  absolutely  said 
"  he  thought  it  very  clear  that  the  testator-  intended  to  keep 
a  life-interest  in  the  estate  to  himself P  The  bar  did  not 
laugh  outright ;  but  Curran  soon  rendered  that  consequence 
inevitable  by  saying,  "  Very  true,  my  lord,  very  true ;  tes- 
tators generally  do  secure  life-interests  to  themselves  :  but, 
in  this  case,  I  rather  think  your  lordship  takes  the  will  for 
the  deed." 

Lord  Eeskine,  being  much  indisposed  during  a  dinner 
at  Sir  Ralph  Payne's,  retired  to  another  apartment,  and  re- 
clined for  a  time  upon  a  sofa.  In  the  course  of  the  evening, 
being  somewhat  recovered,  he  rejoined  the  festive  circle  ; 
and,  in  answer  to  Lady  Payne's  inquiry  how  he  found  him- 
self, he  presented  to  her  the  following  couplet :  — 

" 'Tis  true  I  am  ill :  but  I  need  not  complain; 
For  he  never  knew  pleasure  who  never  knew  Payne." 

The  house  of  an  ancient  counsellor,  in  Red-lion  Square, 
being  taken  by  an  ironmonger,  Erskine  thus  celebrated  the 
event : — 


ABOUT  LAWYERS.  127 

"  This  house,  where  once  a  lawyer  dwelt, 
Is  now  a  smith's  alas ! 
How  rapidly  the  iron  age 
*  Succeeds  the  age  of  brass  !  " 

Being  counsel  for  a  person,  who,  whilst  travelling  in  a 
stage-coach  which  started  from  "  The  Swan  with  Two 
Necks,"  in  Lad  Lane,  had  been  upset,  and  had  his  arm 
broken,  he  thus  began  with  much  gravity :  "  Gentlemen  of 
the  jury,  the  plaintiff  in  this  case  is  Mr.  Beverly,  a  respec- 
table merchant  of  Liverjjool ;  and  the  defendant  is  Mr.  Nel- 
son, proprietor  of  'The  Swan  with  Two  Necks,'  in  Lad 
Lane,  —  a  sign  emblematical,  I  suppose,  of  the  number  of 
necks  people  ought  to  possess  who  ride  in  his  vehicles." 

His  friend  Mr.  Maylem,  having  observed  that  hife  phy- 
sician had  ordered  him  not  to  bathe,  —  "Oh!  then,"  said 
Erskine,  ^^  jou  are  malum  prohibitum." 

"  My  wife,  however,"  resumed  the  other,  "  does  bathe." 

"Worse  still,"  rejoined  Erskine  ;  "for  she  is  malum  in  SE." 

In  the  exuberance  of  his  fun,  he  was  fond  of  practical  j.okes. 

Sir   John    Sinclair   having    proposed    that    the    British 

nation   should  present  him  a  testimonial  for  his   eminent 

services,  —  in  answer  to  one  of  his  circulars,  Erskine  wrote 

on  the  first  page  of  a  letter,  in  a  flowing  hand,  these  words, 

which  filled  it  to  the  bottom  :  — 

"  My  dear  Sir  Joun,  —  I  am  certain  there  are  few  in 
this  kingdom  who  set  a  higher  vahie  on  your  public  services 
than  ujyself;  and  I  have  the  lionor  to  subscribe"  — 
On  turning  over  the  leaf  was  to  be  found  — 
"  Myself  your  most  obedient,  faithful  servant, 

"  T.  EliSKINE." 


A  learned  counsellor  once  said  to  a  countryman  under- 
going a  cro.ss-examinut  ion  in  the  witness-box,  "  Frockiiiaii, 
how  much  are  you  paid  f<jr  lying?" 

"  Less  than  you  are,  or  you  would  be  in  a  striped  frock  too." 


128  MIETHFULNESS. 

Some  years  ago,  the  lawyers  in  Lowell  gave  public  notice 
that  their  offices  would  be  closed  evenings.  In  referring  to 
this  notice,  "  The  Boston  Post "  said  that  the  community 
would  probably  be  benefited  if  those  offices  were  closed 
both  day  and  evening. 

Daniel  Webster  was  riding  in  a  stage-coach  with  an 
old  man,  near  Salisbury,  N.H.,  who  knew  his  father  and 
brother,  but  did  not  know  him  personally,  while  he  knew 
of  him.  After  obtaining  pretty  full  information  respecting 
the  members  of  the  family  the  old  man  knew,  Mr.  Webster 
asked  him  if  he  could  tell  him  any  thing  about  Daniel. 
The  old  man  replied,  "  I  believe  Daniel  is  a  lawyer  in  the 
neighborhood  of  Boston." 

An  attorney,  says  an  ingenious  writer,  is  the  same  thing 
to  a  barrister  that  an  apothecary  is  to  a  physician ;  with 
this  difference,  that  your  lawyer  does  not  deal  in  scru- 
ples. 

A  prisoner  being  brought  to  Bow  Street,  the  following 
dialogue  passed  between  him  and  the  sitting  magistrate  :  — 

*'  How  do  you  live  ?  " 

"  Pretty  well,  sir :  generally  a  joint  and  pudding  at  din- 
ner." 

"  I  mean,  sir,  how  do  you  get  your  bread  ?  " 

"  I  beg  your  Honor's  pardon :  sometimes  at  the  baker's, 
and  sometimes  at  the  chandler's  shop." 

"  You  may  be  as  witty  as  you  please,  sir ;  but  I  mean 
simply  to  ask  you.  How  do  you  do  ?  " 

"  Tolerably  well,  I  thank  your  Honor :  I  hope  your  Honor 
is  well." 


A  young  aspirant  to  eminence  at  the  bar  introduced  into 
his  maiden  speech  before  a  jury  the  figure  of  a  ship  weigh- 


ABOUT  LAWYERS.  129 

ing  anchor,  sailing  majestically  down  the  harbor,  moving 
out  to  sea,  and  encountering  a  storm.  In  describing  the 
storm,  his  words  and  thoughts  failed  him,  and  he  was  com- 
pelled to  stop.  Addressing  the  court,  with  a  half-imploring 
look  and  tone,  he  said,  "  If  your  Honor  will  permit  me  to 
come  ashore,  I  will  promise  never  to  venture  out  to  sea 
again." 


Another  young  lawyer,  not  very  skilful  in  rhetorical  soar- 
ings, in  a  speech  before  a  jury,  commenced  describing  the 
flight  of  an  eagle  :  "  The  royal  bird  rose  from  her  resting- 
place,  and  soared  aloft  in  airy  regions.  Farther  and  still 
farther  did  she  bear  herself  heavenward,  looking  proudly 
on  all  below."  At  this  point  of  his  description  he  became 
embarrassed,  and,  turning* to  the  judge,  said,  "  I  have  got 
that  bird  up  there,  your  Honor ;  but  I  know  not  how  to  get 
the  creature  down." 

A  countryman  called  upon  a  lawyer,  and  stated  his  case, 
in  which  he  wished  to  employ  him.  The  lawyer  asked  the 
man  if  he  had  made  a  true  statement.  He  replied  in  the 
aflirmative ;  adding,  "  I  thought  best  to  tell  you  the  plain 
truth,  and  leave  you  to  put  in  the  lies  where  they  are 
needed." 

A  clergyman  visited  Washington  for  the  purpose  of  col- 
lecting money  for  the  building  of  a  church  in  a  neighboring 
town.  Mi-eting  a  waggish  Congressman,  to  whom  he  ap- 
plied for  aid,  the  man  told  him  that  he  could  not  contribute 
to  hia  object,  but  ho  would  direct  him  to  a  senator,  a  very 
pious  man  of  hia  denomination,  who  would  doubtless,  if 
rightly  approached,  contribute  very  largely  toward  the  sacred 
building.  Following  tlie  direction  of  the  CoiigresHman,  the 
clerical  agent  called  upon  ilon.  Hen  Wade,  and  told  him 
that  a  gentleman  had  informed  him  that  he  would  probably 


130  MIRTHFULNESS. 

contribute  liberally  to  his  object,  which  he  described ;  and 
added,  "  The  treasury  of  the  Lord  is  empty,  and  I  am  his 
appointed  agent  to  fill  it.  Men  are  God's  stewards  :  '  the 
cattle  on  a  thousand  hills  are  his,'  and  he  is  now  calling  for 
what  is  his  own."  The  honorable  senator  replied,  "  You  say 
the  treasury  of  the  Lord  is  empty,  and  the  cattle  on  a  thou- 
sand hills  are  his.  If  that  is  so,  why  in  — —  don't  you,  his 
agent,  take  a  lot  of  these  cattle  and  sell  them,  and  fill  up 
the  Lord's  treasury  ?  There  is  a  good  demand  for  beef,  and 
it  brings  a  high  price." 

Hon.  Isaac  0.  Baknes  was  celebrated  for  his  jokes. 
The  proprietor  of  the  Bromfield  House,  Boston,  being  a 
Baptist,  was  called  upon  for  a  donation  to  aid  in  completing 
a  meeting-house  for  a  colored  socfety.  After  giving  to  the 
object,  the  proprietor  directed  his  colored  brother  to  Mr. 
Barnes,  who  was  reading  a  newspaper  in  the  public  room  at 
the  time.  The  agent  approached  Mr.  Barnes,  presented  his 
object,  and  asked  for  a  donation.  After  asking  a  few  ques- 
tions, Mr.  Barnes  told  the  applicant  to  put  him  down  for  a 
donation  of  five  hundred  dollars.  Astonished  and  delighted, 
the  colored  man  thanked  the  liberal  donor  again  and  again. 
Barnes  interrupted  him  by  saying,  "  I  make  this  donation 
on  one  condition,  which  must  be  stated  on  the  subscrip- 
tion-paper; viz.,  all  candidates  for  membership  shall  be  im- 
mersed in  Jiot  watery 

One  day,  Mr.  Barnes  was  passing  a  meeting-house  in 
which  a  Second- Advent  society  was  rendering  rather  noisy 
worship.  Barnes  inquired  of  his  companion  what  was 
going  on  in  that  house,  and  was  told  that  Second- Advent 
people  were  worshipping  there.  "  Second- Advent  people  !  " 
said  he :  "  who  are  they  ?  "  He  was  told  that  they  believed 
Christ  was  coming  on  earth  again  to  dwell  with  men. 
"  Well,"  said  Barnes,  "  if  he  does  come  again,  I  hojpe  he  will 
receive  better  treatment  than  he  did  when  he  came  before." 


ABOUT  LAWYERS.  131 

Tklr.  Barnes  was  president  of  a  bank  that  failed,  tlie  failure 
of  which  awakened  some  suspicion  against  the  officers.  A 
short  time  before  the  failure,  Barnes  was  told  that  the  bank 
commissioners  were  going  to  examine  into  the  affairs  of 
his  bank.  "Glad  of  it,"  said  he:  "I  wish  somebody 
would  examine  the  thing ;  for  I  declare  I  don't  know  any 
thing  about  it  myself." 

When  he  was  in  England,  Col.  Barnes  was  told  by  an 
English  gentleman  that  their  railroad-engines  were  capable 
of  running  at  the  rate  of  seventy-five  miles  per  hour.  The 
colonel  replied  that  they  could  not  run  at  that  rate  very 
long  without  running  off  their  plaguy  little  island. 

In  his  last  sickness,  a  short  time  before  his  death,  his 
friend,  the  editor  of  "  The  Post,"  called  to  see  him,  and 
asked  how  he  did.     The  colonel  replied,  "  I  am  in  a  dying 

state  :  I  shall  slip  away  from  you  soon."     Col.  G felt 

of  his  hands  and  feet,  and  remarked,  "You  are  not  dying. 
Col.  Barnes;  for  your  extremities  are  warm.  Persons  do 
not  die  with  warm  hands  and  feet."  —  "I  have  known  per- 
sons die,"  said  Col.  Barnes,  "with  warm  extremities."  — 
"  Whom  did  you  ever  know  die  with  warm  extremities  ?  " 
inquired  his  friend.    ^'John  Rogers,^'  was  the  prompt  reply. 

Capt.  Barnes,  the  colonel's  father,  was  a  witty  man.  As 
one  of  the  selectmen  of  Bedford,  N.IL,  he  asked  the  legal 
a<Ivice  of  the  elder  Squire  Atherton  of  Amherst,  for  which 
the  latter  charged  six  dollars.  Capt.  Barnes  said  he  thought 
the  change  to<j  high,  and  was  afraid  the  town  would  com- 
plain. "Oh!  it's  about  right,"  said  the  lawyer.  The  captain 
paid  the  fee ;  and  a  short  time  after,  being  in  Boston  with 
ills  two-horse  team,  he  met  Mr.  Atherton,  who  askinl  him 
if  he  would  curry  a  piano  for  him  to  Amherst.  lie  replied 
in  the  affirmative.  The  instrument  was  loaded,  and  con- 
veyed to  Mr.  Atherton's  house,  who  was  there  to  receive 
it.  Mr.  Atherton  said  to  Capt.  Barnes,  "  Wliat  is  youy 
charge  '(  "  —  "  Six  dollars,"  waa  the  reply.     "  Six  dollars  t " 


132  MIETHFULNESS. 

said  Mr.  Atlierton  :  "  that  is  very  high."  —  "  Oh  !  ahout 
right,  about  right,"  said  the  captain  j  and  both  laughed, 
while  the  squire  poid  the  six  dollars. 

Returning  home  from  Boston  with  his  team,  he  called  at 
the  only  tavern  then  kept  in  Nashua,  N.H.,  which  was 
largely  patronized  by  a  rough  class  of  men  who  did  busi- 
ness on  the  Merrimack  Kiver.  Capt.  Barnes  was  a  very 
tall  man,  and  at  this  time  was  covered  with  dust  and  dirt, 
and  had  the  appearance  of  an  uncultivated  countryman. 
As  he  entered  the  bar-room,  which  was  occupied  by  a  com- 
pany of  river-men,  he  observed  them  looking  at  him  with 
countenances  which  indicated  fun.  They  had  seen  him 
through  the  window,  and  were  prepared  to  have  some  sport 
with  him.  As  he  entered  the  room,  one  of  them  approached 
him,  and  extended  his  hand,  which  was  taken  by  Capt.  Barnes 
with  the  remark,  "  You  seem  to  know  me,  sir ;  but  I  do  not 
recognize  you."  The  other  replied,  "  I  think  you  are  Saul, 
the  son  of  Cis."  —  "  You  are  right,"  replied  Capt.  Barnes. 
"  I  am  in  search  of  my  father's  animals,  and  am  very  glad 
to  find  so  many  of  them  here  together." 


ABOUT   DOCTORS. 


ABOUT   DOCTORS. 


Ix  conversation  with  a  leading  physician  in  Lowell  upon 
the  subject  of  this  book,  he  remarked,  "  You  may  not  find 
many  jokes  originating  with  physicians ;  though  some  of 
them  have  played  very  severe  jokes  upon  the  people." 

A  gentleman  in  Massachusetts,  distinguished  for  his  sci- 
entific and  literary  knowledge,  and  the  ability  to  write  well 
in  poetry  and  prose,  bears  the  title  of  M.D.,  and  is  an  emi- 
nent medical  professor.  This  gentleman  is  reported  to  have 
said  "  that  he  never  had  but  one  patient,  and  he  died ;  and, 
if  all  the  medicine  should  be  thrown  into  the  sea,  it  would 
be  better  for  men,  and  worse  for  the  fishes." 


Sir  Samuel  Garth,  a  celebrated  physician  of  Pope's 
time,  was  full  of  jest  and  amiability.  His  practice  was 
large  ;  but  his  numerous  patients  prized  his  hon-mots  more 
than  his  prescriptions.  His  death  was  characteristic.  The 
presence  of  officious  friends  troubled  him ;  and,  when  he  saw 
his  doctors  consulting  together,  he  rai.sed  his  head  from  his 
pillow,  and  said  with  a  smile,  "  Dear  gentlemen,  let  me  die 
a  natural  death."  After  he  had  received  extreme  unction, 
a  friend  approached  him,  and  asked  how  ho  did.  "I  am 
going  on  my  journey,"  was  the  answer:  "they  liavo  greased 
my  boota  already."     "Writing  a  letter  at  a  coffee-house,  ho 

186 


136  MIRTHFULNESS. 

found  himself  overlooked  by  a  curious  Irishman.  Garth 
took  no  notice  of  the  impertinence  until  he  had  finished 
and  signed  the  body  of  the  letter ;  when  he  added  a  post- 
script of  unquestionable  legibility :  "  I  would  write  jon  more 

by  this  post;  but  there's  a tall,  impudent  Irishman  look- 

ijig  over  my  shoulder  all  the  time."  —  "  What  do  you  mean, 
sir  ?  "  roared  the  Irishman  in  great  fury.  "  Do  you  think  I 
looked  over  your  letter  ?  "  —  "  Sir,"  replied  the  physician, 
"  I  never  once  opened  my  lips  to  you."  —  "  Ay ;  but  you  put 
it  down,  for  all  that."  —  "It  is  impossible,  sir,  that  you  should 
know  that;  for  you  have  never  once  looked  over  my  let- 
ter." 

Dr.  Garth  loved  wine  to  excess ;  and  his  indulgence  in 
its  use  ripened  and  warmed  his  wit  without  making  him 
sluggish.  At  a  favorite  club  of  which  he  was  a  member, 
he  once  remained  to  drink  to  a  late  hour.  A  companion 
said  to  him,  "  Keally,  Garth,  you  ought  to  quit  the  wine, 
and  hurry  off  to  your  patients."  —  "  It  is  no  great  matter," 
replied  Garth,  "  whether  I  see  them  to-night  or  not :  for  nine 
of  them  have  such  bad  constitutions,  that  all  the  physicians 
in  the  world  can't  save  them ;  and  the  other  six  have  such 
good  constitutions,  that  all  the  physicians  in  the  world  can't 
kill  them." 


Sir  EiCHARD  Jebb  was  a  liberal  eater,  a  high  liver.  He 
believed  the  digestive  organs  were  made  to  be  used,  not 
nursed.  The  question  frequently  asked  by  his  patients, 
"  What  may  I  eat,  doctor  ?  "  was  exceedingly  annoying.  On 
one  occasion,  he  give  this  answer:  "My  directions,  sir,  are 
simple.  You  must  not  eat  the  poker,  shovel,  or  tongs,  for 
they  are  hard  of  digestion  ;  nor  the  bellows,  for  it  will  pro- 
duce wind  in  the  stomach  :  but  you  may  eat  any  thing  else 
you  please." 

An  Irishman  for  whom  Dr.  Babington  prescribed  an 


ABOUT  DOCTORS.  137 

emetic  said,  "  My  dear  doctor,  it  is  of  no  use  your  giving 
me  an  emetic :  I  tried  one  twice  in  Dublin,  and  it  would 
not  stay  on  my  stomach  either  time." 


Dr.  Jebb  was  dnce  paid  three  guineas  by  a  nobleman, 
from  whom  he  expected  five.  As  they  passed  into  his  hand, 
he  dropped  them  on  the  carpet,  picked  them  up,  and  con- 
tinued to  look  for  more.  When  asked  by  his  lordship  if 
he  could  not  find  the  guineas,  he  replied  that  he  had 
found  three  only,  while  tivo  were  missing.  The  noble- 
man took  the  hint,  and  paid  him  two  more  guineas. 


A  wealthy  tradesman,  after  drinking  the  Bath  water,  took 
a  fancy  to  try  the  effect  of  the  Bristol  hot  wells.  Armed  with 
a  letter  of  introduction  from  a  Bath  physician  to  a  profession- 
al brother  at  Bristol,  the  invalid  entered  upon  his  journey. 
On  his  \vay,  he  was  prompted  by  curiosity  to  pry  into  the 
letter  he  was  bearing,  and  was  rewarded  by  reading  these 
instructive  words  :  "  Dear  sir,  the  bearer  is  a  fat  Wiltshire 
clothier  :  make  the  most  of  him." 


Dr.  Gregory  of  Edinburgh  was  as  remarkable  for  his 
amiability  and  benevolence  as  for  his  learning.  A  poor 
medical  student,  sick  of  typhus-fever,  sent  for  him.  The 
visit  was  made ;  and  the  invalid  tendered  the  doctor  the 
ordinary  guinea-fee.  The  doctor  turned  away,  insulted  aiid 
angry.     "I  beg  your  pardon,"  exclaimed  the  student :  "I 

didn't  know  your  rule.      Dr.   always    takes  a  fee." 

"  Does  he  ?  "  said  the  doctor.  "  Well,  my  young  friend, 
follow  my  directions.  Ask  him  to  meet  me  in  consultation, 
and  offer  mo  the  fee  first."  The  consultation  took  place, 
and  the  fee  was  offered.  "  Sir,"  exclaimed  the  benevolent 
doctor,  "do  you  mean  to  insult  me?  Is  there  a  professor  iu 
this  university  who  would  so  far  degra<lo  himself  }is  to  take 
pay  from  one  of  his  brotherhood  and  a  junior?"    The  man 


138  MIRTHFULNESS. 

for  whom  this  proof  was  designed  felt  it,  and,  ere  that  day- 
closed,  restored  to  the  sick  student  aU.  the  fees  he  had  taken 
of  him. 


Dr.  Abeknetht  had  a  very  strong  dislike  to  unnecessary- 
talk  on  the  part  of  his  patients,  and  sometimes  treated  gar- 
rulous persons  with  great  rudeness.  Persons  acquainted 
with  his  habits,  desiring  to  consult  him,  took  care  not  to 
give  offence  by  multiplying  words. 

A  lady  on  one  occasion  entered  his  consulting-room,  and 
put  before  him  an  injured  finger  without  saying  a  word. 
Abernethy  dressed  the  wound  in  silence ;  and  the  lady  placed 
the  ordinary  fee  upon  his  table,  and  retired  without  speak- 
ing. In  a  few  days  she  called  again,  and  offered  her  finger 
for  inspection. 

"  Better  ?  "  asked  the  surgeon. 

"  Better,"  answered  the  lady ;  and  nothing  more  was  said. 
At  her  last  visit,  the  patient  held  out  her  finger,  free  from 
bandages,  and  perfectly  healed. 

"  Well  ?  "  was  the  doctor's  inquiry. 

"  Well,"  was  the  lady's  equally  brief  reply. 

"  Upon  my  soul,  madam,"  exclaimed  the  delighted  sur- 
geon, "  you  are  the  most  rational  woman  I  ever  met  with  !  " 

John  P.  Curran,  personally  unknown  to  Abernethy, 
called  upon  the  distinguished  doctor  eight  times,  and  paid 
him  eight  fees,  saying  nothing,  and  receiving  the  same 
statement  from  him ;  namely,  "  You  have  the  most  unclean 
and  abominable  tongue  in  the  world ;  and  you  should  drink 
less,  and  stop  abusing  your  stomach  by  gormandizing." 
As  he  was  about  being  dismissed  the  ninth  time  in  the 
same  summary  manner,  the  Irish  orator  said,  "  Mr.  Aber- 
nethy, I  have  been  here  on  eight  different  days,  and  have 
paid  you  eight  different  guineas ;  and  you  never  yet  listened 
to  the  symptoms  of  my  complaint.  I  have  resolved  not  to 
leave  this  room  until  you  hear  my  story."     With  a  good- 


ABOUT  DOCTORS.  139 

natiircd  laugh,  Abernethy,  half  suspecting  he  had  to  deal 
witJi  a  madman,  fell  back  in  his  chair,  and  said,  "  Oh !  very 
well,  sir:  I  am  ready  to  hear  you  out.  Go  on  :  give  me  the 
whole,  —  your  birth,  parentage,  and  education.  I  wait  your 
pleasure.     Pray  be  as  minute  and  tedious  as  you  can." 

With  perfect  gravity,  Curran  began  :  "  Sir,  my  name  is 
John  Philpot  Curran.  My  parents  were  poor,  but,  I  believe, 
honest  people,  of  the  province  of  Munster,  where  also  I  was 
born,  at  Newmarket,  in  the  county  of  Cork,  in  the  year  1750. 
My  father,  being  employed  to  collect  the  rents  of  a  Protestant 
gentleman  of  small  fortune  in  that  neighborhood,  procured 
my  admission  into  one  of  the  Protestant  free  schools,  where 
I  obtained  the  first  rudiments  of  my  education."  In  this 
way  he  continued,  giving  his  history,  leaving  out  no  particu- 
lar lie  could  call  to  mind,  till  he  threw  his  auditor  into  con- 
vulsions of  laughter. 

A  lady,  taking  his  prescription,  said  to  him,  "  I  have 
heard  of  your  rudeness  before  I  came,  sir ;  but  I  was  not 
prepared  for  such  treatment.  What  am  I  to  do  with 
this?" 

"Any  thing  you  like,"  the  surgeon  rouglily  answered. 
"Put  it  on  the  fire,  if  you  please."  Taking  him  at  his 
word,  the  lady  put  her  fee  on  the  table,  and  the  prescription 
on  the  fire,  and,  making  a  bow,  left  tlie  room.  Abernethy 
followed  her  into  the  hall,  and,  apologizing,  urged  her  to 
take  back  the  fee,  or  permit  him  to  write  her  another  pre- 
scription ;  but  the  injured  lady  would  not  consent  to  do 
eithor. 

Dr.  Abernethy  was  sent  for  by  an  innkeeper  who  had  a 
quarrel  with  his  wife,  who  had  scarred  his  face  with  her 
nails,  so  that  the  poor  man  was  bleeding,  and  much  distig- 
ured.  Abernethy  tliought  this  an  opportunity  for  admon- 
ihhing  the  ofitMnler;  and  said  to  her,  "Madam,  are  you  not 
ashamed  to  treat  your  husband  thus,  —  the  husband,  who  is 
your  head  ?  " 


140  MIETHFULNESS. 

"Well,  doctor,"  fiercely  replied  the  virago,  "may  I  not 
scratch  my  own  head  ?  " 

The  doctor  succeeded  in  silencing  a  loquacious  lady  by 
the  following  expedient :  — 

"Put  out  your  tongue,  madam."  The  lady  complied. 
"Now  keep  it  there  till  I've  done  talking.^' 


An  Irishman  called  upon  a  learned  physician,  and  said, 
"  Plaze  yer  Honor,  I'm  a  pore  Irish  laborer :  but  I  can 
spill  a  bit,  and  read  o'  yer  Honor's  mighty  foine  cure  in 
the  midical  journal,  'The  Lancet;'  and  I've  walked  up 
twelve  moiles  to  have  yer  Honor  cure  me.  My  complaint 
is "  —  The  doctor  told  him  he  could  not  attend  to  his 
case ;  but  the  Irishman  stating  that  he  had  "  a  bit  o'  gould, 
notch  t  liss  nor  a  tin-shillin'  piece,"  he  changed  his  mind, 
and  furnished  a  prescription. 


A  celebrated  physician  boasted  at  his  dinner-table,  around 
which  sat  a  company  of  his  friends,  that  he  cured  his  own 
hams.  One  of  his  guests  replied,  "  I  should  rather  be  your 
ham  than  your  patient." 


A  certain  noted  physician  at  Bath  was  complaining  in  a 
coffee-house  in  that  city  that  he  had  three  fine  daughters, 
to  whom  he  should  give  ten  thousand  pounds  each ;  and  yet 
he  could  find  nobody  to  marry  them.  "  With  your  lave, 
doctor,"  said  an  Irishman  present,  stepping  up,  and  making 
a  very  respectful  bow,  "  I'll  take  two  of  them." 


A  patient  was  told  to  take  a  quart  of  a  liquid  medicine, 
but  declined,  saying  "  it  was  impossible ;  for  he  only  held 
a  pint." 


A  certain  doctor  told  a  poor  laborer's  wife  to  give  her 
sick  husband,  under  the  influence  of  a  high  fever,  as  much 


ABOUT  DOCTORS.  141 

water  as  he  would  drink,  until  he  should  call  again.     In 
reply  to  this  direction,  the  woman  said,  — 
"  How  much  water  ought  I  to  give  him  ?  " 
"Zounds,  woman!"   said  he  in  a  pet,  "haven't  I  told 
you  to  give  him  as  much  as  he'll  take  ?     Give  him  a  couple 
of  pailfuls ! " 

Wlien  the  doctor  called  again,  the  woman  said,  in  answer 
to  his  question,  "How  does  your  husband  do?"  "He's 
been  took  away,  yer  Honor.  We  got  down  better  nor  a 
pull  an'  a  half,  when  he  slipped  out  o'  our  hands.  Ah  ! 
yer  Honor,  if  we  could  but  ha'  got  him  to  swaller  the  rest, 
ho  might  still  be  alive ;  but  we  did  our  best,  doctor." 


The  old  proverb  says,  "  Every  man  is  a  physician  or  a 
fool  at  forty." 

Sir  Harry  Hulford,  a  distinguished  physician,  happening 
to  quote  this  old  saw  to  a  circle  of  friends,  among  whom 
was  Canning,  the  latter  inquired,  "  Sir  Harry,  mayn't  he 
be  both  ?  " 


About  the  middle  of  the  last  century,  a  distinguished 
physician.  Lord  Radno,  had  a  great  fondness  for  blood- 
letting, and  was  especially  deliglited  in  practising  his  art 
ui>on  distinguished  men.  Lord  Chesterfield,  wanting  an 
additional  vote  for  a  coming  division  in  the  House  of  Peers, 
called  on  Lord  Iladno,  and,  after  a  little  introductory  con- 
versation, complained  of  headache. 

"  You  ought  to  lose  blood,  then,"  said  Lord  Radno. 

"Sir,  do  you  indeed  think  so?  Then,  my  dear  lord,  do 
atld  to  the  service  of  your  advice  by  performing  the  openv- 
tion.     I  know  you  are  a  most  skilful  surgeon." 

Delighte<l  with  the  compliment,  Lord  Radno  opened  a 
vein  in  his  friend's  arm  in  the  most  ai)proved  style.  "While 
the  operation  was  being  performed,  the  distinguished 
patient  a.skcd  his  surgeon   if  he  was  going  down  to  the 


142  MlllTHFULNESS. 

House  that  day.  The  noble  operator  replied  that  he  had 
not  intended  going,  as  he  was  not  well  informed  upon  the 
subject  to  be  discussed ;  and  added,  "  Have  you  considered 
the  subject,  and  decided  on  which  side  to  vote  ? "  Lord 
Chesterfield  replied  in  the  affirmative,  and  proceeded  to 
unfold  his  views  in  connection  with  compliments  to  Lord 
Eadno ;  and  the  latter  promised  to  attend,  and  support  the 
wily  earl's  side  of  the  division.  Stating  the  case  to  some 
political  friends  that  evening,  Lord  Chesterfield  said,  "  I 
have  shed  my  blood  to-day  for  the  good  of  my  country." 


ABOUT  LITERARY  MEN. 


AEOUT  UTERAHY  MEN 


Samuel  Johxsox,  LL.D.,  being  asked  by  a  young 
nobleman  what  liad  become  of  the  gallantry  and  military 
spirit  of  the  old  English  nobilitj^,  replied,  "  Why,  my  lord,. 
I'll  tell  you  what  has  become  of  it :  it  has  gone  into  the  city 
to  look  after  a  fortune." 

Speaking  of  a  dull,  tiresome  fellow  wliom  he  chanced  to 
meet,  he  said,  "  That  fellow  seems  to  possess  but  one  idea, 
and  that  is  a  wrong  one." 

Much  inquiry  having  been  made  concerning  a  gentleman 
who  had  quitted  a  company  where  Johnson  was,  and  no 
information  being  obtained,  at  last  the  doctor  observed  that 
he  did  not  care  to  speak  ill  of  any  man  behind  his  back ;  but 
he  believed  the  gentleman  was  an  attorney. 

A  gentleman  who  had  been  very  unhappy  in  marriage 
married  a  second  time,  immediately  after  his  lirst  wife  died. 
Dr.  Johnson  said  of  him,  "  His  conduct  was  the  triumph  of 
hope  over  experience." 

He  did  not  approve  of  late  marriages,  observing  that 
more  was  lost  in  point  of  time  than  was  compensated  for  by 
any  possible  advantages.  Even  ill-assorted  marriages,  ho 
thought,  were  preferable  to  cheerless  celibacy.  Ili'  said 
that  th<!  man  who  refused  to  marry  because  of  the  inconve- 
niences incident  to  married  lif<;  was  like  the  wiseacre  who 
cut  oflf  his  leg  to  avoid  the  annoyance  of  corns  on  his  toes. 
10  146 


146  MIRTHFULNESS. 

Au  impudent  fellow  from  Scotland  was  described  to  him, 
who  affected  to  be  a  savage,  and  who  railed  at  all  established 
customs.  Dr.  Johnson  said,  ''  There  is  nothing  surprising 
in  this.  He  wants  to  make  himself  conspicuous.  He  would 
tumble  into  a  hog-sty,  as  long  as  you  looked  at  him  and 
called  to  him  to  come  out.  But  let  him  alone,  never  mind 
him,  and  he'll  soon  give  it  ov^er." 

He  was  told  that  the  same  person  maintained  that  there 
was  no  distinction  between  virtue  and  vice.  To  this  he  re- 
plied, "  If  the  fellow  does  not  think  as  he  speaks,  he  is  lying; 
and  I  see  not.  what  honor  he  can  propose  to  himself  from 
having  the  character  of  a  liar.  But  if  he  does  really  think 
there  is  no  distinction  between  virtue  and  vice,  why,  sir, 
when  he  leaves  our  houses,  let  us  count  our  spoons." 

Dr.  Johnson  used  to  say,  "  I  never  take  a  nap  after  din- 
ner but  when  I  have  had  a  bad  night ;  and  then  the  nap 

takes  me." 

Another  of  his  sayings  was,  "  There  is  now  less  flogging 
in  our  schools  than  formerly  :  but  then  less  is  learned  there ; 
so  that,  what  the  boys  get  at  one  end,  they  lose  at  the  other." 

Speaking  against  the  practice  of  trying  to  make  young 
children  precocious,  the  doctor  said,  "  Too  much  is  expected 
from  precocity,  and  too  little  is  performed. 

"  Miss  Letitia  Aikin  "  (this  young  lady  married  an  obscure 
clergyman,  and  published  "  Early  Lessons  for  Children ") 
''was  an  instance  of  early  cultivation;  but  in  what  did  it  ter- 
minate? In  marrying  a  little  Presbyterian  minister,  who 
keeps  an  infant  boarding-school :  so  that  all  her  employment 
now  is  '  to  suckle  fools,  and  chronicle  small  beer.'  She  tells 
the  children,  '  This  is  a  cat,  and  that  is  a  dog,  with  four  legs 
and  a  tail.  See  there  \  you  are  much  better  than  a  cat  or  a 
doo-  •  for  you  cai:  speak.'  If  I  had  bestowed  such  an  educa- 
tion on  a  daughter,  and  discovered  that  she  thought  of  mar- 
rying such  a  fellow,  I  would  have  sent  her  to  the  Congress.'^ 

Of  a  lady,  more  insipid  than  offensive,  Dr.  Johnson  once 


tc- 


ABOUT  LITEKARY   MEN.  147 

said,  ''She  has  some  softness  indeed  ;  but  so  has  a  pillow." 
Again  he  said,  '*  For  my  part,  I  do  not  envy  a  fellow  one 
of  those  honeysuckle  wives ;  as  they  are  but  creepers  at 
best,  and  commonly  destroy  the  tree  they  so  tenderly  cling 
about." 

A  lady  he  thought  well  of  was  disordered  in  health. 
"  'Wluit  help  has  she  called  in  ?  "  inquired  Johnson. 

'•  Dr.  James,"  was  the  reply. 

"  What  is  her  disease  ?  " 

"Oh  !  nothing  positive;  rather  a  gradual,  gentle  decline." 

"  She  will  die  then,  pretty  dear !  "  answered  he.  "  When 
Death's  pale  horse  runs  away  with  a  person  on  full  speed,  an 
active  physician  may  possibly  give  him  a  turn;  but  if  he 
carries  him  on  an  even,  slow  pace,  down  hill  too,  no  care 
nor  skill  can  save  him." 

A  gentleman  who  introduced  his  brother  to  Dr.  Johnson 
was  desirous  of  recommending  him  to  his  notice ;  which  ho 
di«l  by  saying,  "  When  we  have  sat  together  some  time, 
you'll  find  uiy  brother  growing  very  interesting." 

"  Sir,"  said  Johnson,  "  I  can  wait." 


Charles  Lamb  to  Wordsworth. 
Dkar  Wordsworth,  —  Thanks  for  the  books  you  have 
given  me,  and  for  all  the  books  you  mean  to  give  me.  I 
will  bind  up  the  Political  Sonnets  and  Ode  according  to 
your  suggestion.  I  have  not  bound  the  poems  yet.  I  wait 
till  people  have  done  borrowing  thorn.  I  think  I  shall  got 
a  chain,  and  chain  them  to  my. shelves,  and  poojdo  may 
come  and  read  them  at  chain'.s-length.  Of  those  who  bor- 
row, some  read  slow;  some  mean  to  read,  but  don't;  ami 
some  neither  read  nor  mean  to  read,  but  borrow  to  give  you 
an  opinion  of  tlieir  sagacity.  I  must  do  my  money-borrow- 
ing friends  the  justice  to  say,  that  there  is  notliiiig  of  tliis 
raprici!  or  wantonness  or  alienution  in  them.  When  tliey 
borrow  my  money,  they  never  (ail  to  make  use  of  it. 


148  MIllTIIFULNESS. 

The  regular  routine  of  clerkly  business  ill  suited  the  lite- 
rary tastes  and  wayward  habits  of  Lamb.  Once,  at  the 
India  House,  a  superior  said  to  him,  "  I  have  remarked,  Mr. 
Lamb,  that  you  come  very  late  to  the  office." 

"  Yes,  sir,"  replied  the  wit ;  "  but  you  must  remember  that 
I  go  away  early." 

JoHif  G.  Saxe,  being  asked  by  a  friend  who  met  him  on 
Broadway,  New  York,  where  he  was  bound,  replied,  "  To 
Boston  this  afternoon,  Deo  volente." 

"  What  route  is  that  ?  "  asked  the  inquirer. 

"  By  way  of  Providence,  of  course,"  was  the  poet's  prompt 
reply. 

It  is  told  of  Charles  Lamb,  that  one  afternoon,  having 
taken  a  seat  in  a  crowded  stage-coach,  a  stout  gentleman 
looked  in,  and  politely  asked,  "  All  full  inside  ?  " 

"  I  don't  know  how  it  may  be  with  the  other  passengers," 
answered  Lamb ;  "  but  that  last  piece  of  oyster-pie  did  the 
business  for  me." 


A  good  story  is  told  of  Dr.  0.  W.  Holmes,  who,  having 
been  called  upon  and  considerably  bored  by  a  man  who  had 
devoted  himself  to  public  lecturing  in  New  England,  with- 
out much  ability  for  doing  so,  inquired  of  him,  "  What  are 
you  about  at  this  particular  time  ?  " 

The  answer  was,  "  Lecturing,  as  usual.  I  hold  forth  this 
evening  at  Koxbury." 

The  professor,  clapping  his  hands,  exclaimed,  "  I'm  glad 
of  it !    I  never  liked  those  Eoxbury  people." 


A  gentleman  entered  the  room  of  Dr.  Barton,  Warden 
of  Morton  College,  and  told  him  that  Dr.  Vowel  was  dead. 

"  What ! "  said  he,  "  Dr.  Vowel  dead !  Thank  Heaven  it 
was  neither  U  nor  J." 


ABOUT  LITERARY  MEN.  149 

"Wetherel,  the  Master  of  University  College,  went  to 
Dr.  Lee,  theu  sick  in  bed,  and  said,  "  So  Dr.  Everleigh  lias 
been  egged  on  to  matrimony." 

"  Has  he  ?."  said  he.  "  Well,  then,  I  hope  the  yoke  will 
sit  easy." 

A  lady  who  went  to  consult  Dr.  Abernethy,  who  was  .a 
scholar  as  well  as  a  physician,  began  a  description  of  her 
complaint  thus :  "  Whenever  I  lift  my  arm,  it  pains  me  ex- 
ceedingly." 

"  Why,  then,  madam,"  said  the  doctor,  "  you  are  a  great 
fool  f'jr  lifting  it." 


'O 


Hexry  Erskixe,  happening  to  be  retained  for  a  client 
by  the  name  of  Tickle,  began  his  speech,  in  opening  the 
case,  thus :  "  Tickle,  my  client,  the  defendant,  my  lord," 
and,  upon  proceeding  thus  far,  was  interrupted  by  laughter 
in  court,  which  was  greatly  increased  when  the  judge.  Lord 
Kames,  exclaimed,  ^^  Tickle  him  yourself,  Harry:  you  are 
as  able  to  do  it  as  I  am." 


Charles  Lamb  said  the  first  water-cure  was  the  flood, 
and  it  killed  more  than  it  cured. 


After  being  ten  times  dunned  for  a  small  sum  of  money, 
a  very  slack  literary  man  paid  it,  saying  to  the  servant  who 
received  the  same,  "  Wliy  did  your  employer  send  m«  ten 
dunning  letters  for  such  a  trifle?" 

The  reply  was,  "  I  am  not  authorized  to  say ;  but  I  give  it 
as  my  candid  opinion,  that  ho  sent  the  whole  number  be- 
cause nine  did  not  secure  the  payment." 


Whf;n  Gov.  W.  had  ailininistcnvl  tlio  oath  of  oflico  to 
the  njcmberi  of  tlie  Knoiv-NutlinKj  House  of  lleprcsunta- 
tives,  he  addressed   them  thus:  '' Vou  arc  now,  gentlemen, 


150  MIETHFULNESS. 

([mdified  to  transact  legislative  business,  so  far  as  the  oath 
is  concerned." 

Lord  Eld  ox  lent  two  large  volumes  of  "  Precedents  "  to 
a  friend,  and  could  not  remember  to  whom.  In  alluding  to 
such  borrowers,  he  observed,  "  that,  though  backward  in 
accounting,  they  seemed  to  be  practised  in  hook-keeping.^^ 

A  poor  literary  man,  being  about  to  marry  a  rich  heiress, 
was  asked  how  long  he  thought  the  honey-moon  would  last  ? 
He  replied,  "  Don't  tell  me  of  the  honeg-moon :  it  is  har- 
vest-moon with  me." 


Theodore  Hook  was  delighting  a  party  at  his  cottage 
at  Eulham  by  an  extempore  comic  song ;  when,  in  the  mid- 
dle of  it,  his  servant  entered  with,  "  Please,  sir,  here's  Mr. 
Winter,  the  tax-gatherer :  he  says  he  has  called  for  taxes." 
Hook  would  not  be  interrupted,  but  went  on  at  the  piano- 
forte, as  if  nothing  had  happened,  with  the  following  stan- 
za:— 

"  Here  comes  Mr.  Winter,  collector  of  taxes. 
I  advise  you  to  pay  him  -whatever  he  axes : 
Excuses  won't  do;  he  stands  no  sort  of  flummery; 
Though  Winter  his  name  is,  his  presence  is  summary." 


A  friend  of  Hook,  speaking  to  him  of  a  pair  of  twins 
who  strongly  resembled  each  other,  said,  "  They  are  as  much 
alike^as  two  peas." 

"  Yes,"  replied  Hook,  "  and  quite  as  green.'.' 

A  clerical  principal  of  an  Episcopal  boarding-school  for 
boys  called  his  pupils  together  at  the  beginning  of  Lent, 
and  gave  them  a  sbort  lecture  upon  self-denial  and  self-sacri- 
fice, and  advised  them  to  select  some  article  of  food  with 
which  they  would  dispense  during  the  season  of  Lent.  The 
boys  were  directed  to  go  into  a  room  by  themselves,  and, 


HUMOROUS   EXTllACTS.  351 

after  deciding  what  luxury  they  would  give  up,  to  return  to 
the  chapel,  and  report  their  decision.  The  boys  retired,  and 
soon  returned  and  made  the  following  report  through  their 
chairman  :  — 

"  Respected  Principal,  —  I  have  the  honor  to  report  that 
your  pupils  have  religiously  considered  the  subject  submitted 
to  them  by  your  reverence,  and  have  unanimously  voted  to 
dispense  with  hash  during  Lent." 


A  student  at  college  included  in  the  list  of  his  expenses 
which  he  sent  to  his  father  the  item,  "  Charity,  thirty  dol- 
lars." The  father  remarked  in  his  reply,  "  I  fear  that 
charity  covers  a  multitude  of  siiis." 


Humorous  Extracts  from  the  History  of  New 
BosTOX,  N.H.  —  The  following  extracts  are  from  the 
speeches  and  letters  uttered  and  read  at  the  centennial 
celebration  of  the  above-named  town,  which  occurred  July 
4,  18C3.  From  the  address  of  J.  W.  Fairfield,  Esq.,  a 
native  of  the  town  :  — 

"  We  all  know  that  the  early  settlers  of  this  country 
were  a  peculiar  people ;  and  none  were  more  so  than  the 
Scotch  immigrants  who  found  their  homes  in  this  town  and 
county.  They  were  I'resbyterian^  of  the  original  Covenant- 
er type,  but  greatly  modified  and  improved  by  two  trans- 
plantings, —  first  from  Scotland  to  Ireland,  and  then  to  the 
forests  of  the  New  World.  There  is  no  race  more  tenacious 
of  their  original  elements  of  character  than  the  Scotch  ; 
and  through  all  their  persecutions,  (changes,  removals,  and 
improvcmonts,  they  retained  their  recollection  of  wrongs, 
and  cherished  their  likes  and  dislikes,  as  an  inheritance 
never  to  be  broken  or  alienated.  The  Turitan  was  one  of 
their  rli«,like9.  Our  Presbyterians,  on  arriving  at  their 
new  homes,  found  themselves  surrounded  by  the  I'uritans, 
—  a  people  equally  as  fond  of  liberty,  and  rigid   in   their 


152  MIRTHFULNESS. 

notions  as  themselves  :  still  they  disliked  them,  and  there 
was  rank  jealousy  between  them.  The  Independents, 
under  Cromwell,  had  crushed  the  fond  hopes  of  supremacy 
which  the  Presbyterians  had  nearly  attained  in  England ; 
and  it  was  a  work  of  time  to  re-establish  a  feeling  of  trust 
and  confidence.  This  jealousy  manifested  itself  in  the  set- 
tlement of  this  town.  The  earliest  tradition  that  I  remem- 
ber of  this  people  had  relation  to  this.  The  Scotch  would 
at  first  suffer  no  intermarrying  with  the  Puritans ;  and,  if 
their  daughters  were  as  fair  and  beautiful  then  as  when  I 
first  knew  them,  no  wonderthat  the  Puritan  young  men 
felt  themselves  shut  out  of  Paradise.  Be  that  as  it  may, 
the.  tradition  is  that  it  was  no  uncommon  thing  for  the 
Scotchman  to  find  at  his  door  a  ragged  peddler,  mounted 
upon  some  miserable  nag,  with  saddle-bags  filled  with  pota- 
toes on  one  side,  and  a  huge  jug  of  buttermilk  on  the  other, 
and  crying  his  wares  with  affected  blarney :  '  Buttermilk 
and  peraties,  buttermilk  and  peraties !  Paddy,  will  you 
buy  ? '  If  the  peddler  got  off  with  an  unbroken  head,  of 
course  he  was  a  lucky  fellow,  and  continued  his  insulting 
raid.  This  was  retaliated,  of  course ;  and  the  Puritan  would 
be  called  up  at  all  hours  of  the  night,  and  called  out  at  all 
hours  in  the  day,  by  a  sorry  peddler  crying  through  his  nose, 
in  true  Eoundhead  style,  '  Pumpkins  and  molasses,  pump- 
kins and  molasses  !  Barebones,  will  you  buy  ?  '  Hence 
the  names  of  '  Paddy '  and  '  Pumpkins  '  became  common 
in  their  mutual  salutations.  But  these  animosities  soon 
died  out ;  and  the  Puritan  settlers  became  Presbyterians, 
and  Presbyterians  made  pumpkin-Tpies.  The  history  states 
that  the  first  meeting-house  in  the  town  was  never  fur- 
nished with  the  means  of  warming,  and  that  the  only  fire 
it  ever  contained  was  carried  into  it  in  the  foot-stoves  used 
by  the  women."  This  remark  would  apply  to  all  meeting- 
houses in  New  England  until  some  time  during  the  sec- 
ond decade  of  the  present   century,  when,  in  the  language 


HUMOROUS  EXTRACTS.  153 

of  Dr.  Lyman  Beecher, ."  the  people  came  to  the  conclusion 
that  freezing  was  not  a  means  of  grace,"  and  introduced 
stoves  into  their  places  of  worship. 

In  New  Boston,  the  male  members  of  the  congregation 
used  to  spend  sabbath  noons  at  the  tavern  of  Capt.  John 
McLaughlin,  where  some  of  them  lingered  longer  than 
the  proprieties  of  the  sanctuary  justified,  coming  late  into 
the  afternoon  meeting  with  countenances  flushed  by  the 
lifpior  they  had  drunken.  The  old  minister,  good  Mr. 
^loor,  used  to  complain  that  his  people  "  could  spend  two 
hours  easier  at  John  McLaughlin's  than  one  under  his 
preaching." 

A  gentleman  from  an  adjoining  town  attended  meeting 
in  Xew  Boston  one  sabbath,  and  was  invited  by  a  citizen  to 
spend  tlie  intermission  at  the  above-named  tavern,  where 
he  was  treated  to  all  the  liquor  he  chose  to  drink.  As  he 
was  walking  back  to  church  with  his  friend,  the  latter  said 
to  him,  "Friend  Senter,  I  like  this  practice  of  taking  a 
coujjle  of  drinks  or  so  sabbath  noon  ;  for  I  can  seem  to  see 
two  ministers  in  the  pulpit  during  the  whole  of  the  second 
service." 

The  following  is  an  extract  from  the  address  of  Perley 
D<il)GE,  Esq.  :^' In  1772,  when  Hillsborough  County  was 
organized,  there  was  no  member  of  the  legal  profession 
between  Amherst  and  Claremont.  The  first  lawyer  who 
attempted  to  establish  himself  in  practice  above  Amherst 
was  Samuel  Bell,  afterwards  judge,  governor  of  the  State, 
aiirl  senator  in  Congress.  lie  opened  an  office  in  Frances- 
town  ;  but  the  people  were  greatly  exasperated  at  his  auda- 
city, pronounced  him  an  invader  upon  their  rights,  and. 
tlireatened  liim  with  Violence.  But  his  manly  deportment 
and  strict  adherence  to  justice  soon  overcame  their  preju- 
dice and  won  their  confidence.  New  Boston  lias  never 
been  an  inviting  field  for  the  legal  profession.  Once  on 
a  time,  I   opened  an  office  here,  but  soon   found,   that,   if 


154  MIETHFULNESS. 

there  was  bread  to  spare  in  any  other  region,  it  was  not  wise 
for  me  to  remain  and  famish.  No  one  else  has  had  equal 
daring." 

Extract  from  the  address  of  Dr.  James  H.  Crombie. 
Speaking  of  Dr.  Thornton,  who  practised  medicine  for  a 
time,  and  was  one  of  the  signers  of  the  Declaration  of  In- 
dependence, Dr.  Crombie  said,  "Dr.  Thornton  had  great 
native  wit,  and  loved  a  joke.  Riding  past  an  old  man 
whose  occupation  was  the  making  of  grave-stones,  he  said, 
'  Well,  Wyatt,  do  you  not  sometimes  pray  that  people  would 
die  faster,  that  your  business  might  increase  ?  ' 

"  The  old  man  calmly  replied,  '  I  cannot  say  but  I  have 
done  a  thing  of  the  kind  in  my  life  :  but  there  is  no  need  of 
doing  it  any  longer ;  for  there  is  a  fop  of  a  thing  by  the 
name  of  Thornton  come  to  town,  and  he  will  kill  off  two 
while  I  can  make  grave-stones  for  one.' " 

The  doctor  did  not  prolong  the  conversation. 

Dr.  Jonathan  Gove  came  here  about  the  year  1780. 
He  was  an  excellent  physician,  and  highly  esteemed.  He 
was  a  nervous,  energetic  man,  fond  of  fun,  and  enjoyed  a 
joke.  He  was  riding  on  the  sabbath,  when  the  sabbath 
law  was  in  operation,  on  business  not  conneci!fed  with  his  pro- 
fession ;  and  was  stopped  by  a  tything-man,  a^d  asked  where 
he  was  riding  on  the  sabbath. 

His  reply  was,  "  Sir,  I  am  a  doctor,  and  that  man  is  after 
me !  "  referring  to  a  man  who  happened  to  be  riding  behind 
him!     The  result  was,  both  went  on  unmolested. 

Under  the  head  of  "  Casualties,  Suicides,"  &c.,  we  find 
the  following:  Tradition  says,  that,  in  the  early  settle- 
ment of  the  town,  an  erratic,  visionary  sort  of  a  man  was 
found  dead  in  so  small  af  pool  of  water,  that  foul  play  or 
suicide  was  suspected. 

A  jury  was  called,  on  which  was  a  broad-spoken  son  of 
Erin,  who  acted  as  chairman,  and,  when  inquired  of  by  the 
justice  for  the  result  of  their  investigation,  replied,  "  Your 


HUMOROUS   EXTRACTS.  IdO 

Honor,  we  brought  in  a  verdict  of  felonious  wilful  mur- 
ther,  but,  just  to  soften  it  ilown  a  little,  we  ca'd  it  accidental.^' 

Capt.  John  McLaughlin  was  found  drowned  in  a 
well  in  his  field.  The  late  Luther  lliohards  was  on  the 
jury  of  inquest,  who,  in  speaking  of  tlie  result  of  the  in- 
vestigation, said,  "  As  we  could  not  say,  as  no  one  saw  him, 
that  he  came  by  his  death  intentionally,  we  thought  it 
would  be  most  in  harmony  with  the  feelings  of  the  com- 
munity to  say  accidental ;  and  that  was  our  verdict." 

The  wife  of  Capt.  Grey  was  found  hanging  by  the  neck, 
dead,  on  the  night  of  the  day  on  which  Eev.  Mr.  Moor 
was  installed.  Grey  had  been  a  sea-captain  ;  and  foul  play 
was  suspected,  as  the  knot  in  the  rope  around  her  neck  was 
a  genuine  sailor-knot.  When  asked  why  he  did  not  cut  her 
down  when  he  first  found  her,  he  replied,  that  "he  put  his 
liand  to  her  mouth,  and  her  breath  was  cold :  so  he  knew 
she  was  dead." 

The  following  is  from  a  very  interesting  letter  addressed  to 
the  committee  by  Dr.  Samuel  Gregg,  a  native  of  the  town:  — 

"When  I  was  a  medical  student,  I  was  much  in  the 
office  of  Dr.  James  Crombie,  at  Francestown,  where  he 
used  to  detain  me  sometimes  long  in  relating  stories  and 
anecdote.s,  for  which  he  was  an  adept.  1  have  thought  that  he 
sometimes  benefited  his  patients  «juite  as  much  by  his  story- 
tflling  as  he  did  by  his  medicine.  He  also  loved  a  repartee 
as  WL'll  as  he  di<l  to  tell  a  story.  I  distinctly  recollect  hear- 
ing the  doctor  tell  a  story  of  a  good  old  lady  (who  was 
desirous  of  doing  all  the  good  she  could)  who  asked  the 
doctor  if  he  knew  what  a  grand  physic  oil-nut  baric  was. 
"No,"  said  the  doctor:  "is  it?  1  low  do  you  take  it?" 
"  Why,  dwU>r,  just  take  some  of  the  bark,  and  steej)  it,  and 
drink  it :  it  makes  one  of  the  grandest  physics  in  the  world. 
J  Jut,  d.K-tor,"  Kai<l  she,  "  when  you  scrape  the  bark,  you  must 
always  bo  careful  to  scrape  it  down;  for,  if  you  scrape  it  up, 
it  will  puko  you  dreadfully:'  —  "  Well,"  said  the  doctor, 


lo3  MIRTHFtJLNESS. 

"  what  will  it  do  if  you  scrape  round  ?  "  —  "  It  will  go  round 
and  round  in  a  fellow's  abdomen,  and  neither  go  up  nor 
down  ;  won't  it  ?  "  , 

Dr.  T.  H.  Cochran,  a  native  of  the  town,  in  response  to 
the  sentiment,"  "  And  the  rest  of  the  acts  of  the  fathers, 
behold,  they  are  written  in  the  Book  of  the  Chronicles," 
read  an  introduction,  followed  by  eighteen  chapters  of  ex- 
ceedingly interesting  chronicles.  I  give  the  introduction 
and  large  portions  of  tw^  chapters. 

"  31):  President,  — 

1.  Forasmuch  as  many  have  taken  in  hand  to  set  fortli 
in  order  a  declaration  concerning  the  manner  of  the  dis- 
covery and  early  settlement  of  this  goodly  heritage,  whose 
boundaries  are  the  Eastern  and  Western  seas,  and  also  the 
acts  of  the  early  fathers, 

2.  I  thought  it  good  to  me  also,  having  sat  at  the  feet  of 
elders  and  old  men  and  ancient  maidens,  and  learned  by 
word  of  mouth  many  ancient  traditions ; 

3.  And  also  having  a  perfect  knowledge  of  many  things 
that  have  never  been  before  written  ; 

4.  And  furthermore,  having  been  an  eye-witness  of  many 
things  that  have  come  to  pass  in  these  latter  days,  —  to 
set  forth  in  order  unto  your  most  excellent  friends, 

5.  That  you  likewise  might  know  and  understand  the  same. 

6.  Kow,  therefore,  declare  I  them  unto  you  ;  and  not  unto 
you  only  do  I  declare  them, 

7.  But  to  the  effect  that  generations  yet  unborn  may  also 
read  and  know  of  the  acts  of  their  fathers. 

CnAPTEK     VII. 

Building  of  the  First  Temple.  —  Calling  of  Solomon. 

1.  Now,  after  these  things,  the  chief  people  and  elders 
assembled  themselves  together  the  second  time,  and  said 
one  to  another. 


HUMOROUS  EXTRACTS.  157 

2.  "Foxes  have  holes,  and  the  birds  of  the  air  have 
nests ;  but  we  have  not  where  to  worsliip  God  on  the  sab- 
bath day." 

3.  Xow  they  took  counsel  together,  and  builded  a  sanctu- 
ary on  ^Mount  Ephraim,  on  the  north  side  thereof,  near  Cavo 
Machpelah. 

4.  The  length  thereof  was  one  score  and  ten  cubits,  and 
the  breadth  thereof  was  one  score  and  five  cubits,  and  the 
height  thereof  twelve  cubits. 

5.  On  the  south  side  was  the  gate,  or  main  entrance  to 
the  lower  or  inner  court  of  the  sanctuary  ;  and  on  the  east, 
south,  and  west  sides  of  the  inner  walls  was  an  upper  court, 
wliich  is,  by  interpretation,  a  "  gallery." 

G.  On  the  south  of  the  upper  court  sat  those  who  sang 
songs  and  played  the  harp  ;  and  on  the  east  and  west  sides 
sat  rebellious  lads  and  "  contrabands  ; " 

7.  "While  on  the  lower  court  sat  the  elders  and  assembled 
wisdom  of  Israel. 

8.  Now  there  were  on  the  east  and  west  ends  of  the 
sanctuary,  porches,  or  outer  courts,  with  side-entrances 
lo   the    lower   court,    and   winding    stairs    to    the    upper 

court. 

'J.  Now,  opposite  the  south  gate,  on  the  north  side,  against 
the  wall  of  the  inner  court,  was  the  altar,  whose  height 
wa.s  three  cubits  and  a  span;  and  above  the  altar  was  there 
projecting  from  the  wall,  after  the  similitude  of  the  "shell 
of  the  tortoise,"  which  is,  by  interpretation,  a  "  sounding- 
board,"  that  tlje  truths  spoken  at  .the  altar  might  not  as- 
cend and  be  lost  among  the  rafters,  but  descend  and  find 
lodgement  in  the  hearts  of  the  hearers. 

12.  Now,  they  called  Solomon  from  the  Isle  of  Scotia, 
beyond  the  sea;  a  devout  man,  of  much  wisdom  and  learn- 
ing, and  of  talents  not  a  few. 

l.'i.  And  Solomon  was  anointed  to  walk  in  and  out  of  the 
temple  before  this  people,  and  he  did  ho  ;    and  his  oflerings 


158  MIRTHFULNESS. 

were  acceptable  unto  the  Lord,  and  multitudes  turned  from 
the  error  of  their  ways  under  his  teachings. 

14.  And  the  temple  was  called  the  "Temple  of  Solo- 
mon." 

15.  Tradition  says  of  Solomon,  whose  surname  was  Moor, 
that  he  was  of  large  stature,  and  his  countenance  beamed 
with  intelligence  and  good  humor, 

16.  And  was  known  for  his  many  proverbs  and  sayings, 
that  abounded  in  wit  and  sarcasm ;  and  was  withal  a  good 
horseman,  and  sat  upon  his  horse  after  the  similitude  of 
one  that  commandeth  an  army.  Now,  there  was  a  man  of 
much  note  in  the  land,  whose  surname  was  McLaughlin, 
who  kept  an  inn  on  the  hill-side,  above  the  sanctuary ;  and 
many  of  the  hearers  of  Solomon  assembled  there  at  noon- 
tide on  the  sabbath  day,  and  regaled  themselves  with  new 
wine  and  strong  drink. 

18.'  Now,  on  the  altar,  on  the  right  hand  of  Solomon,  stood 

a  monitor  —  which  is,  by  interpretation,  an  "hour-glass" — ■ 

to  admonish  the  congregation  of  the  distich  in  the  primer 

that, 

"As  runs  the  glass, 
Man's  life  doth  pass." 

19.  And  Solomon  preached  by  the  hour. 

20.  Now,  on  the  morrow  after  the  sabbath,  a  certain  man 
reproached  Solomon  in  this  wise:  — 

21.  "  Thou  didst  weary  us  yesterday  with  thy  much 
speaking,  and  the  hour  dragged  heavily  upon  us." 

22.  Whereupon  Solomon  replied,  and  made  the  ears  of 
him  to  whom  he  spake  to  tingle,  "  What  have  I  to  do  with 
thee,  thou  wicked  and  perverse  son  of  Belial?  for  thou  wilt 
take  two  glasses  from  Mac  with  an  easy  grace,  and  canna' 
take  one  glass  from  me  without  grumbling." 

23.  Now,  all  the  days  of  the  ministration  of  Solomon 
among  this  people  were  one  score  and  seventeen  years; 
and  he  died,  and  was  buried  in  the  cave  upon  the  hill-side  ■ 


HUMOROUS   EXTRACTS.  159 

and  a  liorizontiil  slab,  supported  at  its  four  corners,  with  in- 
scription thereon,  showeth  his  history  unto  this  day. 

Chapter  XIII. 

Coinhtff   of  John   the   P/iyalcian.  —  Marriage   Proclamation.  —  Death    of 

John. 

1.  Now,  there  came  a  man  of  fair  exterior,  of  good  report, 
and  of  knowledge  and  understanding;  and  his  manner  and 
speech  were  pleasing  unto  the  people.  And  his  name  was 
John;  and  he  healed  the  people  of  their  infirmities  many 
years. 

2.  Now,  John  was,  withal,  a  good  penman,  and  was  chosen 
many  years  the  people's  scribe,  to  chronicle  the  votes  and 
laws  of  the  town. 

3.  Now,  it  was  so,  that  the  sons  and  daughters  of  Israel 
were  many. 

4.  And  the  daughters  were  comely  and  fair,  even  fairer 
than  the  last  daughters  of  Job ;  and  they  were  skilled  in 
the  use  of  the  needle,  and  management  of  the  dairy. 

5.  Now,  as  it  was  in  the  days  of  Noah,  so  it  was  in 
these  latter  days,  they  were  "married  and  given  in  mar- 
riage." 

G.  Now,  it  was  the  custom,  that,  when  a  young  man  was 
betrothed  to  a  maiden,  he  gave  the  chief  scribe  money,  even 
five  dimes,  to  proclaim  it  three  times  at  the  festivals  and 
public  gatherings  of  the  people. 

7.  Now,  John  the  scribe,  as  was  his  custom,  sat  with  those 
v.ho  sang  and  played  the  harp  in  the  temple  of  the  Lord  on 
the  sabbath  day. 

8.  Now,  when  Ephraim  the  priest  had  done  exhorting 
the  people,  and  the  singers  had  sung,  John  stood  up  in  his 
place,  and  prwlaimed  in  a  loud  voice  in  this  wise,  and  all 
the  congregation  gave  heed  :  — 

0.  "  Marriage  is  intendo<l  between  Major  Jesse  Obadiah 
and  Miss  Frances  Matilda  Zachariah. 


160  MIRTHFULNESS. 

10.  "Also  between  Capt.  Jacob  Hezekiah  and  Miss 
Maria  Antoinette  Zephaniah  ;  all  of  this  town. 

11.  "  Also  between  Col.  Elias  Tobias  of  Joppa,  and  Miss 
Hannah  Annis  Mordecbiar  of  this  town." 

12.  Thus  did  John  proclaim  them,  that  their  parents  and 
friends  might  show  cause,  if  any  they  had,  why  it  should 
not  come  to  pass,  or  forever  hold  their  peace. 

13.  Now,  John*  whose  surname  was  Dalton,  fell  sick  and 
died ;   and  a  large  multitude  gathered  at  his  burial. 

14.  And  the  body  of  John  was  borne  to  the  tomb  by  men 
wearing  white  aprons  and  gloves ;  and  they  lamented  the 
death  of  John,  *nd  threw  sprigs  of  evergreen  upon  the 
coffin  in  the  grave. 

JOSH   BILLINGS. 
Specimen  of  his  wise  and  humorous  Sayings. 

I  hold  that  a  man  has  just  as  mutch  rite  tew  spel  a  word 
as  it  is  pronounced  as  he  has  tew  pronounce  it  the  way  it 
an't  spelt. 

If  you  would  make  yourself  agreeable  wherever  you  go, 
listen  tew  the  grievances  of  others,  but  never  relate  your 
own. 

Giv  me  liberty,  or  giv  me  deth  ;  but,  of  the  2, 1  prefer  the 
li]?erty. 

"  Early  impreshuns  are  the  most  lasting ;  "  the  fust  kiss 
and  the  fust  whippin'  cum  under  this  hed. 

"  Man  was  created  a  little  lower  than  the  angels  ;  "  and 
it  is  lucky  for  the  said  angels  that  he  was. 

"The  luxury  of  grief:"  this,  i  take  it,  means  tew  hav 
youre  old  unkle  die  and  leave  yu  nine  thousand  dollars, 
and  yu  cry. 

I  don't  kare  how  mutch  a  man  talks,  if  he  only  says  it  in 
few  words. 

We  are  awl  willing  to  pay  more  for  being  amused  than 
instrukted. 


JOSH   BILLINGS.  161 

It  is  a  good  plan  tu  kno  menny  people,  but  tu  let  only  a 
few  kno  yu. 

Zeal  is  a  good  deal  like  lead :  when  it  is  bilin  hot,  yu  can 
run  it  into  any  kind  ov  shape  you  want  tew ;  but  when  it  is 
cuKl,  it  is  as  heavy  as  any  thing  i  kno  of.  Zeal  often  makes 
a  man  more  ridiklus  than  folly  duz.  In  fakt,  zeal  and  folly 
were  twins ;  only  zeal  was  born  a  little  fust :  he  couldn't 
wait,  ov  course,  till  his  time  cum. 

It  is  really  worth  more  tew  the  world  tew  hav  a  good-na- 
tured man  born  into  it,  and  go  into  the  good-natured  biss- 
ness,  than  to  hav  a  poeck  born,  and  go  into  the  poeckry 
bissness.  Good-natured  men  work  up  into  fathers,  hus- 
bands, and  brothers,  fust-rate,  and  without  enny  waste  :  they 
make  good  fellow-citizens,  and  everyboddy  feels  as  if  they 
had  some  stock  in  them :  they  are  as  safe  and  as  pleasant  as 
root-beer.  The  good-natured  man  an't  alwus  a  statesman, 
nor  an't  alwus  just  the  man  for  sekretary  of  the  treasur}''; 
but  tew  grease  the  griddle  ov  every-day  life,  tew  soften  the 
furious,  tew  raise  the  despondent,  and  tew  indorse  sixty-day 
paper,  he  weighs  at  least  a  tun.  I  had  rather  be  a  good- 
natured  man  than  tew  hav  a  seat  in  the  New- York  Legis- 
lature :  thare  may  not  be  as  mutch  money  in  it ;  but  thare  is 
twice  the  means  of  grace. 

Men  don't  seem  never  tew  get  tired  ov  talking  about 
themselfs;  but  i  hav  heard  them  when  i  thought  they  showed 
signs  of  weakness. 

JJuty  is  like  a  ranebow,  —  full  ov  promis,  but  short-lived. 

I  hav  got  a  fust-rate  recollekshun,  but  a  poor  memory.  I 
can  recollekt  distinctly  ov  losing  a  10-Dollar-bill  once,  but 
can't  remember  whare,  tew  save  mi  life. 

Tharo  iz  only  3  things  that  belong  tew  other  folks  that  i 
ever  envy;  and  them  iz  virtew,  flesh,  and  understanding.  I 
Ruppo.se  it  iz  possibel  for  a  man  tew  manufakter  his  own 
virtew,  and  improve  his  stock  ov  understanding;  but  he 
kaut  kuvcr  lus  long,  lean  bod  Jy  ov  bones  with  a  soft,  [>iilpy 
11 


162  MIRTHFULNESS. 

cushion  or  flesh  that  is  fun  to  sit  down  on.  I  kant  tell  what 
makes  one  man  so  phatt,  and  the  next  one  so  like  an  empty- 
stocking,  or  a  manikin  in  a  narrow  bolster ;  unless  it  is  that 
phatt  souls  are  like  a  mountain-spring^  fed  from  within, 
until  they  kant  hold  no  more,  and  run  over  the  brim  tew 
make  others  happy.  Did  you  ever  know  a  phatt  man  tew 
commit  sewicide  ?  i  guess  you  never  did :  they  luv  gravy 
tew  well  for  that. 

When  Shaikspear  wanted  sum  pizen,  he  sought  out,  you 
remember,  a  lean  apothekary,  who  kept  a  grocery  of.  beg- 
garly boxes.  Did  you  ever  hear  ov  a  phatt  man  being 
hung  ?  I  guess  not.  They  sometimes  destroy  plum-pud- 
din'  and  biled  ox ;  but  they  never  murder  any  thing  that 
ain't  good  tew  eat.  I  never  knu  but  one  phatt  skoolmaster, 
and  he  wa'n't  good  for  enny  thing,  only  tew  slide  down  hill 
with  the  boys.  This  satisfize  me  that  phatt  is  only  another 
name  for  virtew. 

Man  is  the  only  thing  created  with  power  tew  laif :  birds 
and  flowers  can  almost  dew  it,  and  dogs  would  like  tew. 
Lafiing  keeps  oph  sickness,  and  has  conquered  az  menny 
diseases  az  ever  pills  hav,  and  at  mutch  less  expense.  It 
makes  flesh,  and  keeps  it  in  its  place.  .  .  .  It  iz  the  light 
ov  life :  without  it,  we  should  be  but  animated  ghosts.  It 
challenges  fear,  hides  sorrow,  weakens  despair,  and  car- 
ries half  ov  poverty's  bundles.  It  costs  nothing,  comes  at 
the  call,  and  leaves  a  brite  spot  behind.  ...  It  is  the  fust 
and  the  last  sunshine  that  visits  the  heart :  it  was  the  warm 
welkum  ov  Eden's  lovers ;  aad  was  the  only  capital  that  sin 
left  them  tew  begin  bizziness  with,  outside  the  Garden  of 
Paradise. 

Neatness,  in  my  opinyun,  iz  one  ov  the  virtews.  I  hev 
alwuz  konsidered  it  twin-sister  to  Chastity.  But,  while  I 
almost  worship  neatness  in  folks,  i  hav  seen  them  who  did 
understand  the  bizziness  so  well  az  tew  acktually  make  it 
fearful  tew  behold.     I  hav  seen  neatness  that  wa'n't  satis- 


JOSH   BILLINGS.  1G3 

fied  with  bein'  a  common-sized  virtew,  but  had  bekura  an 
ungovernable  pashun,  enslaving  its  possessor,  and  making 
everyboddy  uneasy  who  kum  in  kontackt  with  it.  When  a 
person  finds  it  necessary  to  skour  the  nail-lieds  in  the  celler- 
titairs  every  day,  and  skrub  oph  the  ducks'  feet  in  hot  water, 
it  iz  then  that  neatness  haz  bekum  the  tyrant  of  itz  vik- 
tim.  .  .  .  Thare  is  no  persons  in  the  world  who  work  so 
koustantly  az  the  viktims  ov  extatick  neatness  :  but  they 
don't  seem  tew  do  mutch,  after  all ;  for  they  don't  get  a 
thing  fairly  cleaned  to  their  mind,  before  the  other  end  ov 
it  gets  dirty,  and  they  fall  tew  sckrubbing  awl  over  agin. 
In  my  honest  ojjiuyun,  whiskee  iz  seckuud  only  tew  origi- 
nal sin  :  it  iz  the  mill-stun  hung  upon  the  neck  of  poor 
human  nature.  .  .  .  But,  since  whiskee  haz  got  into  this 
world,  i  don't  think  it  kan  be  got  out  enny  more  than  the 
small-pox  kan  :  but  it  kan  be  made  komparatively  harm- 
less in  the  same  way,  and  only  in  the  same  way;  and  that 
is  by  konstant  vaccination.  I  hav  finally  kum  tew  the  kon- 
clusion  that  lagcr-heer  iz  not  intoxikatin'.  I  hev  been  told 
so  by  a  German,  who  sed  he  had  drank  it  all  nite  long,  just 
tew  tri  the  experiment,  and  waz  obliged  tew  go  home  en- 
tirely sober  in  the  morning.  I  hav  seen  this  same  man 
drink  sixteen  glasses ;  and,  if  he  waz  drunk,  he  was  drunk 
in  German,  and  no  one  could  understand  it. 

It  iz  proper  eimlT  to  state,  that  this  man  kept  a  higer-becr 
saloon,  and  could  hev  had  no  object  in  stating  what  wa'n't 
stricktly  thus.  I  believed  him  tew  the  full  extent  ov  mi 
ability.  I  never  drank  but  three  glasses  of  lager-beer  in  mi 
life,  and  that  made  mi  hed  untwi«t  as  tho'  it  waz  hung  on 
the  end  ov  a  string ;  but  i  was  told  that  it  waz  owing  tew 
mi  bib*  being  out  of  place.  And  i  guess  it  waz  so;  fori 
nevi-r  bil(Ml  ov«'r  wuss  than  i  did  when  i  got  home  that  nite. 

Mi  wife  waz  afra4le  i  waz  agoing  tew  die  ;  and  i  waz 
almostc  afnwle  i  shouliln't :  for  it  did  seem  az  if  every  thing 
i  had  ever  eaten  in  my  life  waz  coming  tew  the  surface ; 


164  MIRTHFULNESS. 

and  i  do  really  believe,  if  mi  wife  hadn't  pulled  oph  mi  boots 
just  as  she  did,  they  would  hav  kum  up  tew. 

Oh,  how  sick  i  waz  !  It  waz  fourteen  years  ago,  and  I  can 
taste  it  now.  I  never  had  so  much  experience  in  so  short  a 
time.  If  enny  man  should  tell  me  that  beer  was  not  intoxi- 
kating,  I  should  beleave  him ;  but,  if  he  should  tell  me  that 
i  wa'n't  drunk  that  nite,  but  that  mi  stummuk  was  only  out 
ov  order,  i  should  ask  him  to  state  over  in  few  words  just  how 
a  man  felt  and  akted  when  he  waz  well  set  up.  If  i  wa'n't 
drunk  that  nite,  i  had  some  ov  the  moste  natural  simp- 
toms  a  man  ever  had,  and  keep  sober.  In  the  fast  place,  it 
waz  about  eighty  rods  from  whare  I  drank  the  lager  tew  my 
house  ;  and  I  waz  over  2  hours  on  the  road,  and  had  a 
hole  busted  thru  each  one  of  my  pantaloon-kneeze,  and 
didn't  hav  enny  hat,  and  tried  tew  open  the  door  by  the 
bell-pull,  and  hickupped  awfully,  and  saw  every  thing  in  the 
room  tryin'  tew  get  round  ov  me.  And,  in  settin'  down  onto 
a  chair,  i  didn't  ivait  quite  long  enuff  for  it  tew  get  exactly 
under  me,  when  it  waz  going  round ;  and  i  sett  down  a  little 
tew  soon,  and  missed  the  chair  by  about  twelve  inches,  and 
couldn't  git  up  quick  enuff  tew  take  the  next  one  when  it 
kum.  And  that  ain't  awl :  my  wife  sed  i  waz  az  drunk  az  a 
beast ;  and,  az  i  sed  before,  i  began  to  spit  up  things  freely. 
If  lager-beer  is  not  intoxikating,  it  used  me  awful  mean, 
that  i  kno.  Still,  I  hardly  think  lager  iz  intoxikating  ;  for 
i  have  been  told  so ;  and  i  am  probably  the  only  man  liv- 
ing who  ever  drank  enny  when  his  bile  want  plumb.  I 
don't  want  tew  say  enny  thing  against  a  harmless  temper- 
ance beverage ;  but,  if  i  ever  drink  enny  more,  it  will  be 
with  mi  hands  tied  behind  me,  and  mi  mouth  pried  open. 


EXTKACTS   FROM   ARTEMAS   WARD's    POPULAR   LECTURE. 

"I  like  art.     I  admire  dramatic  art,  although  I  failed  as 
an  actor.     It  was  in  my  schoolboy-days  that  I  failed  as  an 


ARTEMAS  WARD.  165 

actor.  The  play  was  the  'Euins  of  Pompeii.'  I  played 
the  Ruins.  It  was  not  a  very  successful  performance ;  but 
it  was  better  than  the  '  Burning  Mountain.'  He  was  not 
good.  He  was  a  bad  Vesuvius.  The  remembrance  often 
makes  me  ask,  '  "Where  are  the  boys  of  my  youth  ? '  I  as- 
sure you,  this  is  not  a  conundrum.  Some  are  amongst  you 
here,  some  in  America,  some  are  in  jail.  Hence  arises 
a  most  touching  question :  *  Where  are  the  girls  of  my 
youth  ? '  •  Some  are  married  ;  some  would  like  to  be.  0 
my  Maria  !  Alas  !  she  married  another :  they  frequently  do. 
I  hope  she  is  happy;  because  I  am.  Some  people  are  not 
happy  :  I  have  noticed  that. 

"  My  orchestra  is  small ;  but  I  am  sure  it  is  very  good,  so 
far  as  it  goes.  I  give  my  pianist  ten  pounds  a  night  and 
liis  washing. 

"  I  like  music.  I  can't  sing.  As  a  singist,  I  am  not  a 
success.  I  am  saddest  when  I  sing:  so  are  those  who  hear 
me  :  they  are  sadder  even  than  I  am.  The  otlier  niglit, 
some  silver-voiced  young  man  came  under  my  window,  and 
sang,  '  Come  where  my  love  lies  dreaming.'  I  didn't  go : 
I  didn't  think  it  would  be  correct." 

Artemas  said  he  had  heard  of  persons  being  ruined  by 
large  fortunes.  He  thought,  if  ruin  must  befall  him,  he 
should  choose  to  have  it  come  in  this  form.  He  even  said 
plainly,   '•  I  want  to  be  ruined  ])y  a  large  fortune." 

Artemas  said  that  lirigham  Young  was  the  most  married 
man  he  ever  saw  in  his  life.  "  I  saw,"  said  he,  "  his  motlier- 
in-law,  while  I  was  there.  I  can't  exactly  tell  you  how  many 
there  is  of  her;  but  it's  a  good  deal.  It  strikes  me  that  one 
mother-in-law  is  about  enough  to  have  in  ji  family,  unless 
you're  very  fond  of  excitement.  Some  of  these  ^lormons 
have  terrific  families.^  I  lectured  one  night,  by  invitation, 
in  the  Mormon  village  of  I'rovo.st ;  but,  during  the  day,  1 
rashly  gave  a  leading  Mormon  an  order  admitting  himself 
and   family.     It  was  before  I  knew  he  was   much  married; 


166  MIllTHFULNESS. 

and  they  filled  the  room  to  overflowing.     It  was  a.  great 
success;  but  I  didn't  get  any  money. 

"I  regret  to  say  that  efforts  were  made  to  make  a  Mor- 
mon of  me  while  I  was  in  Utah.  It  was  leap-year  when  I 
was  there  ;  and  seventeen  young  widows,  the  wives  of  a 
deceased  Mormon,  oifered  me  their  hearts  and  hands.  I 
called  on  them  one  day ;  and  taking  their  white,  soft  hands 
in  mine,  —  which  made  eighteen  hands  altogether,  —  I  found 
them  in  tears.  And  I  said,  'Why  is  this  thus?  What  is 
the  reason  of  this  thusness  ? '  They  hove  a  sigh,  —  seven- 
'teen  sighs  of  different  size.  They  said,  'Doth  not  like  us?' 
I  said,  '  I  doth,  I  doth ! '  I  also  said,  '  I  hope  your  in- 
tentions are  honorable ;  as  I  am  a  lone  child,  my  parents 
being  far,  far  away.'  They  then  said,  'Wilt  not  marry 
us  ?  '  —  '  Oh,  no  !  it  cannot  was.'  Again  they  asked  me 
to  marry  them,  and  again  I  declined.  Then  they  cried, 
'  0  cruel  man  !  this  is  too  much,  —  oh  !  too  much  ! '  I  told 
them  it  was  on  account  of  the  muchness  that  I  declined. 

"  Mr.  Heber  C.  Kimball  is  the  first  Vice-President  of  the 
Mormon  Church  ;  and  would,  consequently,  .succeed  to  the 
full  presidency  on  Brigham  Young's  death.  Brother  Kim- 
ball is  a  gay  and  festive  fellow  of  some  seventy  summers, 
or  some-ers  there  about.  He  has  one  thousand  head  of 
cattle,  and  a  hundred  head  of  wives.  He  says  they  are  aw- 
ful eaters. 

"  Mr.  Kimball  had  a  son  —  a  lovely  young  man  —  who 
was  married  to  ten  interesting  wives.  But  one  day,  while 
he  was  absent  from  home,  they  went  out  walking  with  a 
handsome  young  man  ;  which  so  enraged  Mr.  Kimball's  son, 
which  made  him  so  jealous,  that  he  shot  himself  with  a 
horse-pistol.  The  doctor  who  attended  him,  a  very  scientific 
man,  informed  me  that  the  bullet  entered  the  inner  paral- 
lelogram of  his  diaphragmatic  thorax,  superinducing  mem- 
braneous hemorrhage  in  the  outer  cuticle  of  his  boulicontho- 
maturgist.     It  killed  him.    I  should  have  thought  it  would. 


MRS.   PARTINGTON.  1C7 

"  The  last  picture  I  have  to  show  you  represents  Mr.  Brig- 
ham  Young  in  the  bosom  of  his  fivmily.  His  family  is  large, 
and  the  olive-branches  around  his  table  are  in  a  very 
tangled  condition.  He  is  more  a  father  than  any  man  I 
know.  When  at  home,  as  you  see  him  in  the  picture,  lie 
ought  to  be  very  happy,  with  sixty  wives  to  minister  to  his 
comforts,  and  twice  sixty  children  to  soothe  his  distracted 
mind.     Ah  !  my  friends,  what  is  home  without  a  family?" 


THE    QUEER   A>D     IXSTRUCTIVM     SAYINGS     OF     MRS.     PAR- 
TINGTON. 

It  was  with  strong  emotion  of  wonder  that.  Mrs.  Parting- 
ton read  in  the  papers  that  a  new  wing  was  to  be  added 
to  the  Cambridge  Observatory.  "  What  upon  airth  can 
that  be  for,  I  wonder  ?  I  dare  say  they  are  putting  the 
new  wing  on  to  take  more  flights  arter  comics  and  such 
things ;  or  to  look  at  the  new  ring  of  the  planet  Satan,  — 
another  link  added  to  his  chain,  perhaps  ;  and,  gracious 
knows,  he  seems  to  go  farther  than  he  ever  did  before." 
She  stopped  to  listen  as  the  sounds  of  revelry  and  drunken- 
ness arose  upon  the  night-air ;  and  she  glanced  from  her 
chamber,  over  the  way,  where  a  red  illuminated  lantern 
denoted  "  Chim-Chowder."  Why  should  she  look  there 
just  at  that  moment  of  her  allusion  to  Satan  ?  AVhat  con- 
nection couhl  there  be,  in  her  mind,  between  Satan  and 
clam-chowder?  Nobody  was  present  but  Ike,  and  Isaac 
Kluraben*<l. 

Mrs.  I'artington  was  in  the  country  one  August;  and,  for 
a  whole  month,  not  one  drop  of  rain  had  fallen.  One  day 
she  wa.s  slowly  walking  along  the  road,  with  her  umbrella 
over  her  head,  when  an  old  man,  who  was  meniliiig  up  a 
little  gap  of  wall,  accosted  her,  at  the  same  time  dei)osititig 
a  largo  stone  upon  the  top  of  the  pile.  "  Mrs.  l^irtingtou, 
what  do  you  think  can  help  this  'ere  drought  ?  " 


168  MIRTHFULNESS. 

The  old  lady  looked  at  him  through  her  spectacles,  at  the 
same  time  smelling  a  fern-leaf.  "I  think,"  said  she  in  a 
tone  of  oracular  wisdom,  —  "I  think  a  little  rain  would  help 
it  as  much  as  any  thing."  It  was  a  great  thought.  Tlie 
old  gentleman  took  oif  his  straw  hat,  and  wiped  his  head 
with  his  cotton  handkerchief,  at  the  same  time  saying  that 
he  thought  so  too. 

"Diseases  is  various,"  said  Mrs.  Partington  as  she  re- 
turned from  a  street-door  conversation  with  Dr.  Bolys. 
"  The  doctor  tells  me  that  Mrs.  Haze  has  got  two  buc- 
kles on  her  lungs.  It  is  dreadful  to  think  of,  I  declare  ! 
The  disease  is  so  various !  One  way,  we  hear  of  people's 
dying  of  hermitage  of  the  lungs;  another  way,  of  the 
brown  creatures  :  here  they  tell  us  of  the  elementary 
canal  being  out  of  order,  and  there  about  tensors  of  the 
throat ;  here  we  hear  of  neurology'  in  the  head,  there  of 
an  embargo ;  one  side  of  us  we  hear  of  men  being  killed 
by  getting  a  pound  of  tough  beef  in  the  cacrofagus,  and 
there  another  kills  himself  by  discovering  the  jocular  vein. 
Things  change  so,  that  I  declare  I  don't  know  how  to  sub- 
scribe for  any  diseases  now-a-days.  New  names  and  new 
nostrils  takes  the  place  of  the  old,  and  I  might  as  well 
throw  my  old  herb-bag  away."  Fifteen  minutes  afterwards, 
Isaac  had  that  herb-bag  for  a  target,  and  broke  three 
squares  of  glass  in  the  cellar-window  in  trying  to  hit  it, 
before  the  old  lady  knew  what  he  was  about.  She  didn't 
mean  exactly  what  she  said. 

"Does  Isaac  manifest  any  taste  for  poetry,  Mrs.  Parting- 
ton ? "  asked  the  schoolmaster's  wife  while  conversing  on 
the  merits  of  the  youthful  Partington.  The  old  lady  was 
basting  a  chicken  which  her  friends  had  sent  her  from  the 
country.  "  Oh,  yes  !  "  said  the  old  ladj'',  smiling  :  "  he  is  very 
partially  fond  of  poultry,  and  it  always  seems  as  if  he  can't 
get  enough  of  it."  The  old  spit  turned  by  the  fire-place 
in  response  to  her  answer,  while  the  basting  was  going  on. 


MRS.   PARTINGTON.  169 

"  I  mean,"  said  the  lady,  "  does  he  show  any  of  the  divine 
afflatus?  "  The  old  lady  thought  a  •moment.  "As  for  the 
divine  flatness,  I  don't  know  about  it.  He's  had  all  the 
complaints  of  children  ;  and,  when  he  was  a  baby,  he  fell,  and 
broke  the  cartridge  of  his  nose  :  but  I  hardly  think  he's  had 
this  that  you  speak  of  The  roasting  chicken  hissed  and 
sputtered,  and  Mrs.  Partington  basted  it  again. 

"  How  these  men  talk  about  exercising  their  right  of  suf- 
fering !"  said  Mrs.  Partington:  "  as  if  nobody  in  the  world 
suffered  but  themselves  !  They  don't  know  of  our  sufferings. 
"We  poor  creturs  must  sufl'er,  and  say  nothing  about  it,  and 
drink  cheap  tea,'  and  be  troubled  with  the  children  and  the 
cows,  and  scrub  our  souls  out ;  and  we  never  say  a  thing 
about  it.  But  a  man  comes  on  regularly  once  a  year,  like 
a  Farmer's  Almanac,  and  grumbles  about  his  sufferings; 
and  it's  only  then  jest  to  choose  a  governor,  arter  all.  These 
men  are  hard  creturs  to  find  out,  and  ain't  worth  much  after 
you  have  found  them  out."  This  was  intended  as  a  lesson 
to  Margaret,  who  was  working  Charlotte  and  Werter,  on  a 
blue  ground,  at  her  side ;  but  Margaret  had  her  own  idea 
of  the  matter,  and  remained  silent. 

"  I  wish  you  a  merry  Christmas 
And  a  happy  New  Year, 
With  j'our  stomach  full  of  money 
And  your  pocket  fu.l  of  beer," 

yelled  Ike  as  he  skipped  into  ^Irs.  Partington's  kitchen,  where 
the  old  dame  was  busily  engaged  in  cooking  breakfast  on 
Christmas  morning.  "  Don't  make  such  a  noise,  dear,"  said 
the  kind  old  lady,  holding  up  her  hand :  "you  give  me  a  scruti- 
nizing pain  in  my  head,  and  your  young  voice  goes  through 
my  brain  like  a  scalpel-knife.  But  what  did  the  good 
Santa  Cruz  put  into  your  stocking,  Isaac  ? "  And  she 
looked  at  liim  with  an  arch  and  pleased  expression  as  ho 
took  out  of  his  pocket  a  jack-knife,  and  a  hum-top  painted 
with  gaudy  colors.    Ike  held  them  up  joyously ;  and  it  was  a 


170  MIETHFULNESS. 

sight  to  see  the  two  standing  there,  —  she  smiling  serenely 
upon  the  boy's  happiness,  and  he  grateful  in  the  possession 
of  his  treasures.  "  Ah  ! "  said  she  with  a  sigh,  *'  there's 
many  a  house  to-day,  Isaac,  that  Santa  Cruz  won't  visit ; 
and  many  a  poor  child  will  find  nothing  in  his  stocking 
hut  his  own  little  foot !  "  It  might  have  been  a  grain  of 
the  snuff  she  took,  it  might  have,  been  a  fleeting  mote  of 
the  atmosphere  ;  but  Mrs.  Partington's  eyes  looked  humid, 
though  she  smiled  upon  the  boy  before  her,  who  stood  trying 
to  pull  the  cord  out  of  her  reticule  to  spin  his  new  top  with. 

"  People  may  say  what  they  will  about  country  air  being 
so  good  for  'em,"  said  Mrs.  Partington,  "  and  how  they  fat 
upon  it :  for  my  part,  I  shall  always  think  it  is  owin'  to  the 
vittles.  Air  may  dcfor  cammamiler  and  other  reptiles  that 
live  on  it;  but  I  know  that  men  must  have  something  sub- 
stantialer."  The  old  lady  was  resolute  in  this  opinion,  con- 
flict as  it  might  with  general  notions.  She  is  set  in  her 
opinions,  very ;  and,  in  their  expression,  nowise  backward. 
^'It  may  be  as  Solomon  says,"  said  she ;  "but  I  lived  at  the 
pasturage  in  a  country  town  all  one  ^ummer,  and  I  never 
heerd  a  turtle  singing  in  the  branches.  I  say  I  never  heerd 
it :  but  it  may  be  so  too ;  for  I  have  seen  'em  in  brooks 
under  the  tree,  where  they,  perhaps,  dropped  off.  I  wish 
some  of  our  great  naturalists  would  look  into  it."  With 
this  wish  for  light,  the  old  lady  lighted  her  candle,  and  went 
to  bed. 

"  I  can't  believe  in  spirituous  knockings,"  said  Mrs.  Par- 
tington solemnly,  as  a  friend  related  something  he  had  seen 
which  appeared  very  mysterious.  "  I  can't  believe  about 
it;  for  I  know,  if  Paul  could  come  back,  he  would  en- 
velop himself  to  me  here,  and  wouldn't  make  me  run  a 
mile  only  to  get  a  few  dry  knocks.  Strange  that  the  world 
should  be  so  superstitious  as  to  believe  sich  a  rapsody,  or 
think  a  sperrit  can  go  knocking  about  like  a  boy  in  vexa- 
tion !    I  don't  believe  it;  and  I  don't  kuow's  I  could  if  that 


SAYINGS   OF   PRENTICE.  171 

teapot  there  should  jump  off  the  table  right  affore  my  eyes." 
She  paused;  and,  through  the  gloom  of  ?pproaching  dark- 
ness, the  determined  expression  of  her  countenance  was 
apparent.  A  slight  movement,  was  heard  upon  the  table  ; 
and  the  little  black  teapot  moved  from  its  position,  crawled 
slowly  up  the  wall,  and  then  hung  passively  by  the  side  of 
the  profile  of  the  ancient  corporal.  The  old  lady  could  not 
speak,  but  held  up  her  hands  in  wild  amazement ;  while 
her  snuff-box  fell  from  her  nerveless  grasp,  and  rolled  along 
on  the  sanded  floor.  She  left  the  room  to  procure  a  light; 
and,  as  soon  as  she  had  gone,  the  teapot  was  lowered  by  the 
invisible  hand  to  its  original  station ;  and  Ike  stepped  out 
from  beneath  the  table,  stowing  a  long  string  away  in  his 
pocket,  and  grinning  prodigiously. 

"  What  a  label  it  is  upon  the  character  of  Boston  ! "  said 
Mrs.  Partington,  as  she  read  a  speech  on  the  liquor  bill  that 
reflected  on  Boston.  "  There  is  no  place  where  benevolence 
is  so  aperient  as  here.  For  my  part,  I  don't  know  where  so 
much  is  done  for  the  suffering:  and  anybody  can  see  it  that 
can  read  ;  for  how  often  we  see  '  Free  Lunch'  in  the  windows 
of  our  humane  institutions  !  You  never  see  such  things  in 
the  country,  as  much  better  as  they  think  themselves," 

"I  think,"  said  Mrs.  Partington,  getting  up  from  the 
breakfast-table,  "  I  will  take  a  tower,  or  go  upon  a  discur- 
sion.  The  bill  says,  if  I  collect  rightly,  that  a  party  is 
to  go  to  a  very  plural  spot,  and  to  mistake  of  a  cold  collec- 
tion. I  hope  it  won't  be  so  cold  as  ours  was  for  the  poor 
last  Sunday :  why,  there  wasn't  effiiiient  to  buy  a  feet  of 
wood  for  a  restitute  widder."  And  the  old  lady  put  on  her 
calash. 

SHARP     AXD      WITTY     RAVINf;S     OP    rRENTICE    OF    "  TITE 
I.U11SVJJ>LK    JOUUNAL." 

"'The  Boston  Transcript'  says  that  a  young  lady,  afttT 
reading  attentively  the  title  of  a   novel   called   '  'J'he   Last 


172  MIRTHFULNESS. 

Man/  exclaimed,  '  Bless  me !  if  such  a  thing  were  ever  to 
happen,  what  would  become  of  the  women  ? '  We  think  a  per- 
tinent inquiry  is,  'What  would  become  of  the ^oor  man?''' 
"An  editor  in  Michigan,  talking  of  corn,  professes  to 
have  two  ears  fifteen  inches  long.  Some  folks  are  remarka- 
ble for  the  length  of  their  two  ears." 

" '  Doctor,  what  do  you  think  is  the  cause  of  this  frequent 
rush  of  blood  to  my  head  ?  '  —  '  Oh  !  it  is  nothing  but  an  ef-  ^ 
fort  of  nature.     Nature,  you  know,  abhors  a  vacuum." 

"  The  editor  of  '  The  Globe '  says  he  hopes  to  reach  the 
truth.  He  is  laying  out  for  himself  a  long  journey.  He 
had  better  make  his  will  before  he  starts." 

" '  Will  you  have  the  kindness  to  hand  me  the  butter  be- 
fore you  ? '  said  a  gentleman  politely  at  table  to  an  ancient 
maiden.  'I  am  no  waiter,  sir.'  —  ' Is  that  so ?  I  thought, 
from  your  appearance,  you  had  been  waiting  a  long  time.'  " 
"  We  were  considerably  amused  by  an  account  we  lately 
saw  of  a  remarkable  duel.  There  were  six  men  and  six 
missers  upon  the  ground."  . 

"The  editor  of  ' Star'  says  he  has  never  murdered 

the  truth.     He  never  gets  near  enough  to  it   to  do  it  any 
bodily  harm." 

"'I  and  my  brother  are  engaged  in  the  Temperance 
cause,'  said  a  loafer.  'He  gives  public  lectures  upon  the 
virtue  of  temperance,  and  I  go  about  exhibiting  illustra- 
tions of  the  effect  of  intemperance.'  Now,  our  neighbor- 
in-law  has  a  decided  advantage  of  that  pair  of  brothers. 
He  combines  the  functions  of  both." 

"  The  editor  of  the speaks  of  his  'lying  curled 

up  in  bed  these  cold  mornings.'     This  verifies  what  we  said 
of  him  some  time  ago,  —  he  lies  like  a  dog." 

"  It  may  seem  a  little  remarkable,  that,  in  these  days,  the 
greater  part  of  the  white-washing  is  done  with  ink." 

"'What   has   been  your  business?'  said  a  judge  to  a 
prisoner  at  the  bar.     'Why,  your  Honor,  I  used  to  be  a 


PETROLEUM  V.   NASBY.  173 

dentist :  now  I  am  a  pugilist.  Then  I  put  teeth  in  :  I  now 
knock  them  out.' " 

"  A  writer  in  one  of  our  medical  journals  inquires  why  it 
is  that  women  are  more  likely  to  take  cold  than  men.  In- 
deed, we  don't  know ;  but  Dr.  Hall  says  that  the  only  way 
to  avoid  taking  cold,  under  certain  circumstances,  is  to  keep 
tlie  mouth  shut." 

"  A  Western  rhymer  says  that  he  writes  only  when  an 
ansel  troubles  his  soul.  We  don't  know  that  the  fact  of  liis 
own  soul's  being  troubled  gives  him  the  right  to  trouble  the 
souls  of  other  people." 

"  *  You  seem  to  walk  more  erect  than  usual,  my  friend.' 
*  Yes  :  I  have  been  straitened  by  circumstances.' " 

"  A  well-known  writer  says  that  a  fine  coat  covers  a  mul- 
titude of  sins.  It  is  still  truer,  that  such  coats  cover  a  multi- 
tude of  sinners." 

"  *  Boy,  how  did  you  manage  to  get  such  a  big  string  of 
fish.'  —  '  I  hooked  them,  sir.'  " 

"  *  Landlord,  you  do  me  too  much  honor :  you  let  me  sleep 
among  the  big  bugs  last  niglit.'  —  '  Oh  !  don't  be  too  mod- 
est, my  dear  lodger :  I  doubt  not  they  have  your  own  blood 
running  in  their  veins.'" 

"  *  How  does  real  estate  sell  in  your  town  ? '  —  '  Oh  !  it's 
cheap  as  dirt.' " 

"  It  is  said  that  several  thousand  married  men  have  been 
in  the  war  more  than  two  years  without  receiving  a  scratch. 
This  is  more  than  can  be  said  of  some  married  men  who 
staid  at  home,"  

THE  EFFECT  THE  PKOCLAMATION  OF  SECRETARY  SEW- 
ARD PRODUCED  IN  KENTUCKY. 

Confedrit  -\-  Roads,  which  is  t'ri  the  Slnit  uv  Kentuchy, 
Dec.  20,  1805. 

At  last,  the  deed  is  dun  !  The  tiranikle  government 
which  hez  sway  at  Wasliington  hez  finelly  extiiiguislied  tho 


174  MIRTHFULNESS. 

last  glimerin'  flicker  uv  liberty  by  abolisbin'  slavery  !  The 
sun  didn't  go  down  in  gloom  that  nite ;  the  stars  didn't 
fade  in  a  sickly  yeller :  at  wich  obstinacy  uv  Nachur  I  wuz 
considerably  astonished. 

I  got  the  news  at  the  post-offis  (near  to  wich  I  am  at 
present  stayin',  at  the  house  uv  a  venerable  old  planter,  who 
accepts  my  improvin'  conversation  and  a  occasional  promise, 
wich  is  cheap,  ez  equivilent  for  board).  Sadly  I  wendid  my 
way  to  his  peaceful  home,  dreadin'  to  fling  over  that  house 
the  pall  uv  despair.  After  supper,  I  broke  to  em  ez  gently 
ez  I  cood  the  intelligence  that  th'ree-fourths  uv  the  States 
hed  ratified  the  constooshnel  amendment,  that  Seward  had 
ishood  his  proclamation,  and  that  all  the  niggers  wuz 
free. 

Never  did  I  see  sich  sorrer  depicted  on  human  counte- 
nance ;  never  wuz  there  despair  uv  sich  depth.  All  nite 
long,  the  bereaved  inmates  uv  that  wunst  happy  but  now 
distracted  home  wept  and  waled  in  agony  wich  wuz  per- 
fectly heart-rendin'. 

"  Wo  is  me  ! "  sobbed  the  old  man,  wringin'  his  hands. 
"John  Brown's  karkis  hangs  a-danglin'  in  the  air;  but  his 
soul  is  marchin'  on.  It  took  posseshun  of  Seward;  and 
thro'  his  ugly  mouth  it  spoke  the  words,  'The  nigger  is 
free  ! '  and  there  is  no  more  a  slave  in  the  land. 

"  Wunst  I  hed  a  hundred  niggers ;  and  the  men  were  fat 
and  healthy,  and  the  wenches  wuz  strong,  and  sum  uv 
'em  wuz  fair  to  look  upon.  They  worked  in  my  house 
and  my  fields  from  the  rising  uv  the  sun  to  the  goin'-down 
uv  the  same. 

"  Wuz  they  lazy  ?  I  catted  them  till  they  wuz  cured 
thereof;  for,  lo  !  they  wuz  ez  a  child  under  my  care. 

"  Did  they  run  away  ?  From  Kentucky  they  run  North  ; 
and,  lo !  the  Locofoco  marshals  caught  them  for  me,  and 
brought  them  back,  and  delivered  them  into  my  hand  with- 
out cost,  sayin',  '  Lo  !  here  is  thy  nigger ;  do  with  him  ez 


PETROLEUM  V.   NASBY.  175 

tliou  wilt '  (which  I  alluz  did)  ;  wich  is  cheeper  than  keepin' 
dogs,  and  jest  as  good. 

"  Solomon  wuz  wise ;  for  he  hed  uv  konkebines  a  suffi- 
shensy :  but  we  wuz  wiser  in  our  day  than  him ;  for  he  hed 
to  feed  his  children,  and  it  kost  him  shekels  uv  gold,  and 
shekels  uv  silver,  and  much  corn  and  oil. 

"  "We  hed  our  konkebines  with  ez  great  a  muchness  ez 
Solomon ;  but  we  sold  their  children  for  silver  and  gold  and 
red-dog  paper." 

And  all  nite  long  the  bereaved  old  patriarch,  who  hed 
alluz  bin  a  father  to  his  servants  (and  a  grandfather  to 
meuny  uv  'em),  poured  out  his  lamentations.  In  the 
moruin',  the  niggers  wuz  called  up ;  and  ez  they  all  hed 
their  koats  on,  and  hed  bundles,  I  'spect  they  must  hev 
heard  the  news.  The  old  gentleman  explained  the  situa- 
tion to  'em. 

"Yoo  will,"  sed  he,  "stay  in  yoor  happy  homes:  you 
will  alluz  continue  to  live  here,  and  work  here,  ez  yoo  hev 
alluz  dun." 

The  niggers  all  in  korious,  with  a  remarkable  unanimity, 
remarkt,  that,  ef  they  hed  ever  bin  introdoost  to  theirselves, 
they  thought  they  woodent.  In  fact,  they  hed  congregated 
at  that  time  for  the  purpose  uv  startiu  life  on  their  own 
hook.  A  paroxysm  uv  pain  and  anguish  shot  over  the  old 
man's  face.  Nearest  to  him  stood  a  octoroon,  who,  hed  she 
not  bin  tainted  with  the  accurst  blood  uv  Ham,  wood  hev 
bin  considered  beautiful.  Fallin'  on  her  neck,  the  old  patri- 
arch, with  teers  a-streamin  down  his  furrowed  cheeks, 
ejackilated,  "  Farewell,  Looizer,  my  daughter  !  farewell !  I 
loved  yoor  mother  ez  never  man  loved  nigger.  She  wuz  the 
solace  uv  my  leisure  hours,  the  companion  uv  my  yooth. 
She  I  sold  to  pay  orf  a  mortgage  on  the  place,  —  she  and 
yoor  older  sisters.  Farewell !  I  hed  hoped  to  hev  sold  yoo 
this  winter  (for  you  are  still  young),  and  bought  out  diii- 
kiiis;  but  wo  is  me!     Curses  on  the  tirent  who  thus  severs 


176  MIETHFULNESS. 

all  the  tender  ties  uv  nacliur !  Oh !  it  is  hard  for  father  to 
part  with  child,  even  when  the  market's  high;  but,  0  God! 
to  part  thus  !  "  And  the  old  gentleman,  in  a  excess  uv  greef, 
swoonded  away  genteelly.  His  son  Tom  hed  bin  caressin' 
her  two  little  children,  who  wuz  a  half  whiter  than  she  wuz. 
Unable  to  restrain  hisself,  he  fell  on  her  neck,  and  bemoaned 
his  fate  with  tetchin  pathos. 

"  Farewell,  farewell,  mother  uv  my  children  !  Farewell 
faro  and  bosses  and  shampane  !  —  a  long  farewell!.  Your 
increase  wuz  my  perquisites ;  and  I  sold  'em  to  supply  my 
needs.  Hed  you  died,  I  cood  hev  bin  resigned ;  for,  when 
dead,  you  ain't  wuth  a  copper :  but  to  see  yoo  torn  away 
livin',  &  wuth  $2,000  in  enny  market,  it's  too  much,  it's 
too  much  !  "     And  he  fainted,  fallin'  across  the  old  man. 

"  Who'll  do  the  work  about  the  house  ?  "  shreekt  the  old 
lady,  faintin',  and  fallin'  across  Tom. 

"  Who'll  dress  us,  and  wash  us,  and  wait  on  us  ?  "  shreekt 
the  three  daughters,  swoonding  away,  and  fallin'  across  the 
old  woman.  My  first  impulse  wuz  to  "faint  away  myself, 
and  fall  across  the  three  daughters  ;  but  I  restrained  myself, 
and  wuz  contented  with  strikin'  a  attitood,  and  organizin'  a 
tablo.  Hustlin'  the  niggers  away  with  a  burnin'  cuss  for 
their  ingratitood,  I  spent  the  balance  uv  the  forenoon  in 
bringin'  on  em  too.  Wun  by  wun,  they  became  conshus ; 
,but  they  wuz  not  theirselves.  Their  minds  wuz  evidently 
shattered ;  they  wuz  carryin'  a  heavy  heart  in  their  buzzums. 

Wood,  oh  !  wood  that  Seward  cood  hev  seen  that  groop  ! 
Sich  misery  does  Ablishinism  bring  in  its  trane ;  sich  hor- 
rers  follers  a  departure  from  Dimikratic  teechin's.  When 
will  reason  return  to  the  people  ?     Eko  answers,  when  ? 

Petroleum  V.  Nasby, 
Lait  Paster  uv  the  Church  uv  the  Noo  Dispensashun. 


IRISH   WIT   AND    BLUNDERS. 


raSH  WIT  AM)  BLTODERS. 


There  was  a  riot  in  London,  gotten  up  by  a  company  of 
Irish  sailors,  prominent  among  whom  was  one  Phaidrig, 
who  piped  the  wildest  and  most  exciting  war-tunes,  and 
yelled  the  battle-cry  of  rebels,  during  the  whole  of  the  fray. 
Being  arrested,  and  brought  before  Sir  Thomas  de  Veil, 
this  cunning  rioter  attempted  to  mystify  the  magistrate,  and 
thereby  show  his  innocence.  The  following  is  the  report  of 
his  examination :  — 

"What  were  you  playing  on  the  pipes  for,  sirrah?" 
asked  Sir  Thomas  fiercely. 

"  That's  my  business,  your  Honor." 

"  You  had  no  business,  sirrah,  to  be  playing  when  rebels 
were  impeding  the  king's  officers." 

"  I  beg  pardon,  your  Honor:  I  had  no" business,  it's  thrue 
for  you;  and^  when  I  said  business,  it  was  all  through 
modesty." 

"  How  do  you  mean  modesty,  sir?  " 

"Why,  your  Honor,  I  said  business,  when,  in  fact,  I 
should  have  said  profession :  and  that  was  all  through 
modesty ;  for  mine  is  a  profession,  I  being  a  musician." 

"  You're  an  Irishman,  I  perceive." 

"  Indeed  I  am." 

"  Then  you're  a  papist  ?  " 

"  No,  sir :  I'm  a  piper." 

"  No  quibbling,  sir:  a  piper  must  have  a  religion." 

"  Excuse  me,  your  Honor.     Tipers  never  has  any  religion 

178 


180  MIRTHFULNESS. 

at   all :   they  must   make  themselves  plazing  to  all  com- 
panies." 

"  Then  are  you  a  heathen,  you  vagabond  ?  " 

"  No,  your  Honor :  I'm  only  a  pagan." 

"Dare  you  acknowledge  yourself  a  pagan  in  my  pres- 
ence, sirrah  ?  " 

"  To  be  sure,  your  Honor.  There's  no  law  agin  pagans : 
it's  only  agin  Christians  the  laws  is." 

*'  But  there  are  laws  against  unbelievers,  villain." 

"  That'll  do  me  no  harm,  your  Honor ;  for  I  believe 
every  thing."  This  reply  produced  a  laugh,  and  cast  the 
desired  hue  of  ridicule  over  the  trial. 

"But  you  were  of  the  party  of  the  sailors,  however," 
said  Sir  Thomas.  "  Did  he  not  come  with  them  ?  "  added 
he,  addressing  Mrs.  Banks,  at  whose  public  house  the  pris- 
oner was  arrested. 

"  To  be  sure  I  did,"  said  Phaidrig  before  she  could  answer. 

"  Silence,  sirrah  !  I  did  not  ask  you,  but  the  woman  of 
the  house." 

"  He  did  come  with  them,  your  Worship,"  answered  Mrs. 
Banks. 

"  See  there  ! "  exclaimed  Phaidrig  triumphantly.  "  I 
towld  you  so.     Do  you  think  I  would  tell  you  a  lie  ?  " 

"  Then,  if  you  came  with  them,  you  must  know  some- 
thing of  them,"  said  the  magistrate.     "Who  are  they?" 

"  Not  a  one  o'  me  knows,"  returned  Phaidrig. 

"  How  did  you  come  into  their  company  ?  " 

"  I  did  not  come  into  their  company  at  all.  It  was  they 
took  me  into  their  company  agin  my  will." 

"  How  did  that  happen  ?  " 

To  this  he  gave  a  tediously  mixed  answer,  the  substance 
of  which  was,  that  they  were  a  thieving  set  of  fellows,  who, 
among  other  things,  had  stolen  him,  and  made  him  play  for 
them,  "  mornin',  noon,  and  night,  and  paid  him  not  a  cint  5 " 
and,  not  content  with  that,  they  forced  him  into  a  ship,  and 
brought  him  to  London  against  his  will. 


IRISH  WIT  AND  BLUNDERS.  181 

"Well,  then,"  said  Sir  Thomas,  hoping  to  incite  Phaidrig 
through  personal  motives  to  disclose  all  he  knew,  "you 
have  a  heavy  charge  to  make  against  these  men ;  and,  if 
you  can  only  bring  all  or  any  of  them  to  justice,  they  shall 
be  punished,  and  I  will  endeavor  to  obtain  for  you  ample 
compensation  for  the  loss  you  have  sustained." 

"  Long  may  you  reign,  my  lord  !  "  exclaimed  Phaidrig. 
*'  It's  the  first  word  of  pity  or  justice  I  have  heerd  for  many 
a  day." 

"  Then  you'll  swear  against  them  for  this  offence  ?  "  said 

Sir  Thomas. 

"  1*11  swear  sthrong  agin  them  !  "  thundered  Phaidrig. 

"  You  know  their  names,  I  suppose  ?  " 

"  'Twould  be  hard  for  me  to  forget  them  ;  for  they  had  the 
queerest  names  I  ever  heerd  of  with  cat  or  dog.  One  fel- 
low was  called  '  Bumbo,'  and  another  '  Nosey ; '  and  there 
was  '  Dasher '  and  '  Slasher '  and  <  Smasher.'  " 

"  These  are  not  surnames,"  said  Sir  Thomas. 

"  No,  your  Honor ;  but  they  had  very  fine  surnames  with 
them,  for  all  that.     There  was  '  Alexander.'  " 

"Alexander  is  a  Christian  name,"  remarked  the  magistrate. 

"No,  your  Honor,  bcggin'  your  pardon,  ^/a5  Alexander 
wasn't  a  Christian  name,  but  an  owld,  anshint  name :  it 
was  Alexander  the  Grate  they  meant  all  the  time,  together 
with  Pompey  and  Saizer  and  Nickydemus." 

"But  these  are  not  surnames.  Was  there  not  among 
the  crew  some  one  of  the  name  of  '  Smith,'  '  Brown,'  or 
'  Jones,'  or  some  such  name  ?  " 

"  No,  your  Honor :  I  never  heerd  sich  a  name  at  all. 
There  was  only  one  smith  aboord,  and  ho  " — 

"  There,  now,  you  are  contradicting  yourself,"  said  Sir 
Thomas  hastily.  "  You  said  you  never  heard  such  a  name 
on  lx.ard  as  Smith ;  and  in  tlus  next  brcatli  you  acknowl- 
edge  there  wa.s  a  Smith  on  board." 

"  Yiz,  your  Honor,"  retimied  Phaidrig  in  a  most  soothing 


182  MIETHFULNESS. 

tone  of  voice ;  "  so  there  was  a  Smith :  that  is  what  I  was 
going  to  tell  your  Honor.  But  that  Smith  was  a  blacksmith, 
that  they  had  to  make  and  mend  iron  things  when  they  was 
hroke  with  fightin',  or  storms,  or  the  like." 

"  Then  you  never  heard  regular  English  surnames  among 
them." 

"  No,  indeed,  sir.  My  own  private  opinion  is,  they  thought 
it  better  to  leave  their  names  behind  them  when  they  went 
to  say ;  for  their  doings  there  was  not  likely  to  do  their 
names  any  credit ;  and  maybe  they  thought  it  would  be 
saving  the  magisthraits  throuble  to  make  themselves  as 
little  known  as  possible." 

"  Ah !  I  see :  each  man  was  provided  with  an  alias." 

"  I  can't  say  I  ever  heerd  of  sitch  a  thing  among  them,  sir." 

"  I  mean,  they  all  had  nicknames." 

"Faith  they  had:  and  owld  Nick  himself  never  gave 
his  name  to  more  desarving  childhres ;  for  they  are  the 
greatest  set  o'  divils  I  ever  came  across.  0  your  Honor ! 
won't  you  do  me  justice,  and  sthrive  and  nab  them,  and 
git  me  my  lawful  due  agin  them  ?  " 

"  What  can  I  do  when  you  can  give  me  no  clew  ?  You 
don't  know  any  thing  of  them." 

"  That's  thrue,  your  Honor ;  and  I  wish  I  knew  less.  Oh  ! 
weira,  weira  !  ruined  I  am.  Maybe  it's  your  Honor  could 
give  me  a  thrifle  o'  money  to  take  me  home  to  Ireland." 

Sir  Thomas  did  not  relish  this  proposal,  and  asked,  "  Had 
the  piper  no  friend  in  London  ?  "  He  .answered  by  asking, 
"  How  could  he  have  one  in  a  city  where  he  had  first  set  his 
foot  that  morning  ?  "  The  magistrate  asked  by  what  convey- 
ance he  came  to  London.  Phaidrig  answered,  "  By  the 
river."  The  functionary  demanded  the  name  of  the  ship. 
Phaidrig  replied  that  the  desperadoes  had  quitted  their  own 
ship  a  long  way  off,  and  came  up  the  river  in  a  smaller  one, 
the  name  of  which  he  did  not  know. 

To  various  other  questions  tending  to  find  a  clew  to  the 


IRISH  ^Y1T  AND   BLUNDERS.  '  183 

Bailors,  Phaidrig  pleaded  his  blindness  as  preventing  his 
making  the  observations  other  men,  blessed  with  a  sense  of 
vision,  could ;  and  continued,  by  his  seemingly  simple  and 
queer  answers,  to  baflle  all  the  efibrts  of  the  magistrate  to  im- 
plicate him  in  the  transaction,  orto  make  him  implicate  others. 

Sir  Thoma-s  and  his  satellites  departed,  and  left  Phaidrig 
to  the  care  of  the  kind  widow,  who  was  right  well  pleased 
when  she  saw  the  authorities  cross  her  threshold,  and  was 
charmed  with  Phaidrig  for  his  address  throughout  the  affair. 

"  You  are  stanch  and  true,  and  right  honest,"  said  ^Irs. 
Banks ;  "  and  it  is  a  pity  so  clever  a  fellow  should  want  his 
eyes." 

"  'Tis  a  loss  to  me,  ma'am,  certainly,"  said  Phaidrig  with 
an  air  of  gallantry,  "  since  it  deprives  me  of  the  pleasure 
of  seeing  you." 

"Ah!  you  rogue,"  said  the  widow,  "you  have  a  tongue 
worth  more  than  a  pair  of  eyes.  Isn't  it  enough  to  have 
talked  over  Sir  Thomas  do  Veil,  without  palavering  me  ?  " 

"  Veal  is  it  you  call  that  ganim  ?  "  said  Phaidrig.  "  Faix, 
he'll  never  be  veal  till  he's  dead." 

"  You  mean  he's  a  calf  while  he's  alive,"  said  Mrs.  Banks. 

"  ^Irs.  Banks,  ma'am,"  answered  the  piper,  "  you're  a 
mighty  purty-spoken,  sensible  woman." 

Here  the  conversation  was  intcirai)ted  by  the  piper's 
companions  entering,  who  had  changed  their  rough  sailor's 
trim  for  new  and  handsome  suits. 


DIALOGUE 
Batceen  Mr.  Fhnngan,  a  rich  Ixtc/ulor  trader  in  country-produce,  and  Farmer 
Mat  liilcy,  who  jnanatjed  on  small  weans  to  live,  and  raise  a  son,  and 
three  healthy,  good-lookin(j  daughters. 

"Mat?" 
«  Sir." 

"  I'm  thinkin'  o'  marrj'ing." 

"  Well,  she'll  have  a  snug  house,  whoever  she  is,  Mistber 
Flanagan." 


184  MIETHFULNESS. 

"  Them's  fine  girls  o'  yours." 

Poor  Pat  opened  his  eyes  with  delight  at  the  prospect  of 
such  a  match  for  one  of  his  daughters,  and  said  they  were 
"  comely  lumps  o'  girls,  sure  enough ;  hut,  what  was  betther, 
they  were  good." 

"  That's  what  I'm  thinking,"  says  Flanagan.  "  There's 
tv/o  ten-poun'  notes,  and  a  five,  and  one  is  six,  and  one  is 
seven ;  and  three  ten-pennies  is  two  and  sixpence  ;  that's 
twenty-seven  poun'  two  and  sixpence  ;  eight-pence  ha'penny 
in  the  lot :  but  I  haven't  copper  in  my  company.  Mat." 

"  Oh  !  no  mather,  Misther  Flanagan.  And  is  it  one  of  my 
colleens  you've  been  throwin'  the  eye  at,  sir  ?  " 

"  Yes,  Mat,  it   is.     You're    asking   too   much   for  them 

firkins." 

"  0  Misther  Flanagan  !  consider,  it's  prime  butther.  I'll 
back  my  girls  for  making  up  a  bit  o'  butther  agin  any  girls 
in  Ireland ;  and  cows  is  good,  and  the  pasture  is  prime." 

"  'Tis  a  farthin'  a  pound  too  high.  Mat ;  and  the  market 

not  lively." 

"  The  butther  is  good,  Misther  Flanagan ;  and  not  da- 
cinther  girls  in  Ireland  than  the  same  girls,  though  I  am 
their  father." 

"  I'm  thinkin'  I'll  marry  one  o'  them.  Mat." 

"  Sure  an'  it's  proud  I'll  be,  sir ;  and  which  o'  them  is  it, 
maybe  ?  " 

"  Faith,  I  don't  know  myself.  Mat.  Which  do  you  think 
yourself?" 

"  Troth,  myself  doesn't  know :  they  are  aU  good.  Nance 
is  nice,  and  Biddy's  biddable,  and  Kitty's  cute." 

"  You're  my  man,  Mat :  you  ought  to  be  able  to  give  a 
husband  a  thrifle  with  them." 

"Nothing  worth  yozir  while,  anyhow,  Misther  Flanagan. 
But  sure  one  o'  my  girls  without  a  rag  to  her  back,  or  a 
tack  to  her  feet,  would  be  betther  help  to  an  honest,  indus- 
therin'  man  than  one  o'  your  lontherum  swosh  girls  out  of 


IRISH  WIT  AND  BLUNDERS.  185 

a  town,   that  would   spend   more   than   she'd   bring  with 
her." 

"  Tliat's  thrue,  Mat.     I'll  marry  one  o'  your  girls,  I  think." 

"  You'll  have  my  blessin',  sir ;  and  proud  I'll  be,  —  and 
proud  the  girl  ought  to  be,  —  that  111  say.  And  suppose, 
now,  you  come  over  on  Sundaj',  and  take  share  of  a  plain 
man's  dinner,  and  take  your  pick  o'  the  girls.  There's  a  fine 
bull  goose  that  Nance  towld  me  she'd  have  ready  afther 
last  mass ;  for  Father  Ulick  said  he'd  come  and  dine  with 
us." 

"  I  can't,  !Mat ;  but  I'll  go  and  breakfast  with  you  to- 
morrow, on  my  way  to  Billy  Mooney's,  who  has  a  fine  lot 
of  pigs  to  sell,  —  remarkably  fine  pigs." 

"  Well,  we'll  expect  you  to  breakfast,  sir." 

"  Mat,  there  must  be  no  nonsense  about  the  wedding." 

"  As  you  plase,  sir." 

"  Just  marry  her  off,  and  take  her  home.  *  Short  reckon- 
ings make  long  friends.'  " 

"  Thrue  for  you,  sir." 

"Nothing  to  give  with  the  girl,  you  say?" 

"  My  blessing  only,  sir." 

"  Well,  you  must  throw  in  that  butther.  Mat,  and  take 
the  farthin'  off." 

"It's  yours,  sir,"  said  Mat,  delighted,  loading  Flanagan 
with  "  Good-bys  "  and  '•  God  save  yous  "  until  they  should 
meet  next  morning  at  breakfast.  Mat  rode  home  in  great 
glee  at  the  prospect  of  providing  so  well  for  one  of  his  girls, 
and  told  them  a  man  would  bo  there  the  next  morning  to 
make  choice  of  one  of  them  for  his  wife,  and  the  girl  who 
got  liira  would  be  lucky. 

In  preparing  themselves  for  the  ordeal,  tlie  two  older  girls 
ttpI)ropriated  all  the  best  clothes,  and  all  the  ornaments  the 
wliiile  three  held  in  common,  and  left  notliing  but  the  most 
ordinarj',  evory-day  clothing  for  Kitty.  Flanagan  spoke  but 
very  little  to  the  girls  while  in  their  comi)any  ;  but,  just  aa 


186  MIRTHFULNESS. 

he  was  leaving  the  house,  he  said  to  the  father,  as  he  shook 
Lauds  with  him,  "  Mat,  I'll  do  it ; "  and,  pointing  to  Kitty, 
he  added,  "  That's  the  one  I'll  have." 

As  Flanagan  passed  out,  the  elder  sisters  manifested  their 
disappointment  in  exhibitions  of  rage,  while  Kitty  was  nearly 
exhausted  in  laughing.  The  fun  came  into  Kitty  from  two 
sources.  She  was  tickled  at  the  thought,  that,  while  her 
sisters  had  deprived  her  of  any  share  in  the  attractive  cloth- 
ing in  the  house,  she  had  gained  a  conquest  over  them  in  her 
rags.  She  was  also  tickled  to  think  that  her  prospective 
husband  would  be  disappointed  in  her  taste  for  dress,  and 
her  capacity  to  spend  money.  She  manifested  this  taste 
and  capacity,  in  her  married  life,  in  ways  more  annoying 
than  funny  to  her  husband.     The  fun  was  all  hers. 


Sir  Jonah  Barrington,  in  "  Personal  Sketches  of  his 
Own  Times,"  makes  the  following  humorous  statements  re- 
specting the  Irish  peasantry  (this  work  was  published  in  New 
York  in  1853) :  "  If  you  meet  a  peasant  on  your  journey,  and 
ask  him  how  far  to  Ballinrobe,  he  will  probably  say  it  is  'three 
short  miles.'  You  travel  on,  and  are  informed  by  the  next 
peasant  you  meet  '  that  it  is  Jive  long  miles.'  On  you  go  ; 
and  the  next  peasant  will  tell  '  your  Honor '  it  is  '  about 
four  miles.'  The  fourth  will  solemnly  declare,  '  If  your 
Honor  stops  at  three  miles,  you'll  never  get  there.'  But 
on  pointing  to  a  town  just  before  you,  and  inquiring  what 
place  that  is,  he  replies,  'Oh  !  that's  Ballinrobe,  sure 
enough ! ' 

"  '  Why,  you  said  it  was  more  than  three  miles  off.' 

" '  Oh,  yes  !  to  be  sure  and  sartain :  that's  from  my  own 
cabin,  plase  your  Honor.  We're  no  scholards  in  this 
country.  Arrah  !  how  can  we  tell  any  distance,  plase  your 
Honor,  but  from  our  own  little  cabins  ?  Nobody  but  the 
schoolmaster  knows  that,  plase  your  Honor.' 

"  When  you  ask  a  peasant  the  distance  of  the  place  you 


lEISH   WIT   AND   BLUNDEES.  187 

require,  he  never  computes  it  from  the  place  where  you  then 
are,  but  trom  his  own  cabin  :  so,  if  you  should  ask  twenty, 
they  would  all  give  you  different  answers,  and  not  one  of 
them  would  be  correct. 

"  Au  Irish  peasant  never  answers  a  question  directly. 
It  some  districts,  if  you  ask  him  where  such  a  gentleman's 
house  is,  he  will  point,  and  reply,  '  Does  your  Honor  see 
that  large  house  there,  all  among  the  trees,  with  a  green 
lield  before  it  ?  ' 

'*  You  answer,  *  Yes.' 

"  *  Well,'  says  he,  '  plase  your  Honor,  that's  not  it.  But 
do  you  see  the  big  brick  house  with  the  cow-houses  beside 
of  that  same,  and  a  pond  of  water  ?  ' 

" '  Yes.' 

"  *  Well,  plase  your  Honor,  thafs  not  it.  But,  if  you 
plase,  look  quite  to  the  right  of  that  same,  and  you'll  see 
the  top  of  a  castle  among  the  trees  there,  with  a  road  going 
down  to  it,  between  the  bushes.' 

" '  Yes,'  you  say. 

"  '  Well,  plase  your  Honor,  tJiafs  not  it,  neither :  but  if 
your  Honor  will  come  down  a  bit  of  road,  a  couple  of  miles, 
I'll  show  it  you  sure  enough ;  and,  if  j'our  Honor's  in  a 
hurry,  I  can  run  on  Iiot  foot.  Ah  I  who  shall  I  tell  the 
squire,  plase  you  Honor,  is  coming  to  see  him  ?  He's  my 
own  landlord,  God  save  his  Honor  day  and  night ! '  " 

Our  author,  in  his  own  bridal  tour,  called  on  his  brother 
at  his  hunting-lodge  the  morning  after  he  had  entertained 
a  carnival  a.sseml)lage.  "The  dining-room  walls  received 
their  last  coat  of  cement  plaster  on  the  previous  morning, 
and,  of  course,  were  moist  on  the  eve  of  that  day.  Our 
author  reached  the  establishment  about  ten  o'clock,  A.M., 
where  he  found  his  brother  asleep  on  the  only  bed  in  the 
liou»e,  and  his  a.ssociates  in  the  same  state,  some  in  tlie  sta- 
ble, and  others  in  the  house.  The  parlor  was  streweil  with 
empty  bottles,  plates,  dishes,  knives,  forks,  &c.,  in  perfect  con- 


188  MIRTHFULNESS. 

fusion.  Three  or  four  of  the  bacchanalians  lay  fast  asleep 
upon  chairs ;  one  or  two  others  upon  the  floor,  among  whom 
a  piper  lay  on  his  hack,  apparently  dead,  with  a  table-cloth 
spread  over  him,  and  surrounded  by  four  or  five  candles 
burnt  to  the  sockets  :  his  chanter  and  bags  were  laid  scien- 
tifically across  his  body ;  his  mouth  was  quite  open,  and  his 
nose  made  ample  amends  for  the  silence  of  his  drone.  Joe 
Kelly  and  a  Mr.  Peter  Alley  were  fast  asleep  in  their  chairs, 
with  their  heads  leaning  against  the  newly-plastered  wall." 

Our  author  first  aroused  his  brother,  who  ordered  break- 
fast, and  insisted  that  his  guests  in  the  parlor  should  not  be 
awaked  until  the  meal  was  prepared.  When  this  was  done, 
his  brother  called  loudly  upon  the  sleepers  to  wake  i;p  and 
come  to  breakfast.  Perceiving  that  Joe  and  Peter  did  not 
move  their  heads  from  the  wall,  he  approached,  and  said, 
"■  Come,  boys  ! "  giving  Joe  a  pull,  "  come  !  " 

"  Oh,  murder  ! "  says  Joe  :  "  I  can't ! " 

"  Murder,  murder  ! "  echoed  Peter. 

"  My  brother,"  says  our  author,  " pulled  them  again;  upon 
which  they  roared  the  louder,  still  retaining  their  places, 
I  have,  in  my  lifetime,  laughed  till  I  nearly  became  spas- 
modic ;  but  never  were  my  risible  muscles  put  to  greater 
tension  than  on  this  occasion.  Tlie  wall,  as  I  said,  had,  on 
the  day  before,  received  a  coat  of  cement  mortar,  and  of 
course  was  quite  soft  and  yielding  when  Joe  and  Peter 
thought  proper  to  make  it  -their  pillow :  it  was,  neverthe- 
less, setting  fast  around  the  hot  heads  which  had  been  em- 
bedded therein,  aided  by  the  influence  of  the  heat  which 
had  accompanied,the  night's  carousal.  When  my  brother 
awoke  his  guests,  the  mortar  had  completely  set ;  and,  their 
hair  being  the  thing  most  calculated  to  amalgamate  there- 
with, the  entire  of  Joe's  stock,  together  with  his  cue  and 
half  his  head,  was  thoroughly  and  irrevocably  bedded  in  the 
greedy  and  now  marble  cement ;  so  that,  if  determined  to 
move,  he  must  have  taken  the  wall  with  him.     One  side  of 


IRISH  WIT  AND  BLUNDERS.  189 

Peter's  head  was  in  the  same  state  of  imprisonment.  No- 
body was  able  to  assist  them ;  and  there  they  both  stuck 
fast."  From  their  perilous  condition  they  were  finally  re- 
lieved by  cutting  off  their  hair  and  cues,  and  a  portion  of 
Peter  8  scalp. 

Mike.  —  An  Irish  officer,  wounded  in  battle  with  the 
French,  was  brought  to  consciousness  by  his  servant  !Mike, 
who  accompanied  his  bathing  process  with  a  running  fire 
of  lamentation  because  his  master  had  been  murdered  so 
young.  Perceiving  evidence  of  returning  consciousness, 
^fike  said,  *'  Are  you  better.  Master  Charles  ?  Spake  to 
me :  say  that  you're  not  kilt,  darling ;  do  now.  There, 
take  a  sup :  it's  only  water.  JBad  luck  to  them  !  but  it's 
hard  work  beatin'  them :  they  are  only  gone  now.  That's 
right:  now  you're  coming  to."  —  "Where  am  I,  Mike?" 
said  the  wounded  man.  "  It's  here  you  are,  darling,  resting 
yourself." 

Mike's  Address  to  a  favorite  Priest.  -, —  "  Ah  !  then,  it's 
yourself  has  the  illegant  time  of  it  father,  dear,"  said  he, 
"and  nothing  to  trouble  you  ;  the  best  of  divarsion  wherever 
ye  go ;  and  all  the  women  is  fond  of  ye.  Father  Murphy 
was  such  another  as  yourself,  and  he'd  coax  the  birds  off 
the  trees  with  the  tongue  of  him. 

'  What  an  illegant  life  a  friar  leads, 

With  a  fat,  round  stomach  before  him ! 
Ho  utters  n  pniyer,  and  coimts  his  beads, 

And  nil  the  women  wloro  him. 
It's  little  he's  troubled  to  work  or  thuik, 

Wiiorevor  devotion  loiuls  him: 
A  "itaUT"  jiiiyn  fur  his  dinner  and  drink; 

For  the  Church,  good  luck  to  her!  feeds  him.'  " 

Mike's  Opinion  of  Relifjioxis  Expenses  in  Portugal.  — 
After  paying  his  devotions  to  a  beautiful  injago  of  the 
blessed  Virgin,  with  his  hancls  clasped,  and  his  head  bowed 
apon  his  bosom,  Mike  seated  liimself  ui»on  the  steps  of  the 


190  MIRTHFULNESS. 

altar,  and  there  revolved  some  doubts  in  his  mind  concerning 
the  profitableness  of  his  late  pious  duties.  With  these 
words  he  broke  silence  :  "  Masses  is  dearer  here  than  in 
Galway.  Father  Eush  would  be  well  plased  at  two  and 
sixpence  for  what  I  paid  three  doubloons  for  this  morning. 
And  sure  it's  drole  enough  how  expensive  an  amuse- 
ment it  is  to  kill  the  French.  Here's  half  a  dollar  I 
gave  for  the  soul  of  a  cuirassier  that  I  kilt  yesterday,  and 
nearly  twice  as  much  for  an  artillery-man  I  cut  down  at  the 
guns ;  and,  becavise  the  villain  swore  like  a  hathen,  Father 
Pedro  told  me  he'd  cost  more  nor  if  he'd  died  like  a  dacent 
man."  After  uttering  these  words,  he  turned  suddenly 
round  toward  the  Virgin,  and,  crossing  himself  dcA'Outly, 
added,  "  And,  sure,  it's  yourself  knows  if  it's  fair  to  make 
me  pay  for  vile  fellows  that  don't  know  their  duties ;  and 
after  all,  if  you  don't  understand  English  nor  Irish,  I've 
been  wasting  my  time  here  this  two  hours." 

Mike's  Opinion  of  the  Army  Physician.  —  "Arrah,  Mister 
Charles!  don't  mind  the  docther:  he's  a  poor  crayther  en- 
tirelj^ ;  little  does  he  know." 

"  Why,  what  do  you  mean,  Mike  ?  He's  physician  to  the 
forces." 

"  Dear  me !  and  so  he  may  be,"  said  Mike  with  a  toss 
of  his  head :  "  those  army  docthers  isn't  worth  their  salt. 
It's  thruth  I'm  telling  you.  Sure,  didn't  he  come  see  me 
when  I  was  sick  in  the  hould  ?  '  How  do  you  feel  ?  '  says 
he.  '  Terribly  dhry  in  the  mouth,'  says  I.  '  But  your  bones,' 
says  he  :  '  how's  them  ? '  — '  As  if  cripples  was  kicking  me,' 
says  I.  Well,  with  that  he  went  away,  and  brought  back 
two  powders.  '  Take  them,'  says  he,  '  and  ye'll  be  cured  in 
no  time.'  — '  What's  them  ? '  says  I.  '  They  are  emetics,'  says 
he.  '  Blood  and  ages  ! '  says  I,  '  are  they  ?  '  — '  It's  thrue 
what  I  tell  ye,'  says  he :  '  take  them  immediately.'  I  tuk 
them;  and  would  you  believe  me.  Mister  Charles,  —  it's 
thruth  I'm  telling  ye,  —  not  one  o'  them  would  stay  on  my 


IRISH  WIT  AND  BLUKDERS.  191 

stomach.     So  you  see  what  a  docther  he  is.     Sure  he  isn't 
worth  his  salt."  

An  Irishman,  who  let  himself  to  a  farmer,  said,  while 
selling  his  services,  that  he  could  hold  a  plough,  and  do  all 
other  kinds  of  farm-work.  He  was  taken  to  the  field,  and 
told  to  hold  the  plough.  The  horses  started,  and  he  showed 
Ills  incapacity  to  control  the  instrument.  "  Did  you  not 
tell  me  you  could  hold  the  plough  ? "  said  the  enraged 
farmer. 

"  And  sure  I  did,"  said  Paddy ;  "  and  I  can  hould  it,  if 
you'll  unhitch  them  two  horses  that  are  trying  to  take  it 
away  from  me." 

"I  once  dreamed,"  said  Pat,  "that  I  called  upon  the 
Pope;  and  he  axed  me  wud  I  drink.  I  tould  him  I  didn't 
care  if  I  tuk  a  drop  of  punch.  'Could,  or  hot?'  axed 
the  Pope.  ' Bot,  yer  Holiness,'  said  I:  and  he  stepped 
down  in  the  kitchen  for  some  bilin'  water ;  and,  before  he 
got  back,  I  woke  strate  up ;  and  now  it's  distressiu'  me  that 
I  didn't  taJce  it  could." 


A  son  of  Erin,  just  arrived  in  this  land  of  plenty,  being 
in  want,  was  told,  by  a  person  to  whom  he  applied  for  aid, 

to  go  to .      "Civility  indeed,"  said  the   Hibernian,  "to 

invite  me  to  your  fathers  liouse." 


An  Irishman,  being  asked  what  he  would  charge  per  day 
for  his  labor,  replied,  "A  dollar  and  a  half  if  I  eat  myself 
and  one  dollar  if  you  eat  me." 


An  Irishman,  having  a  friend  bung  in  this  country,  wrote 
home  to  his  relatives,  informing  them,  that,  after  addressing 
a  large  meeting  of  citizens,  the  platform  on  which  he  stood 
gave  way,  and  ho  fell  and  broke  his  neck. 


192  MIRTHFULNESS. 

An  Irish  colonel  of  dragoons,  previous  to  a  trial  in  which 
he  was  the  defendant,  was  informed  by  his  counsel,  that,  if 
he  had  personal  objections  to  any  of  the  jury,  he  might 
legally  challenge  them.  "  Faith,  and  so  I  will,"  replied  the 
son  of  Mars  :  "  if  they  don't  bring  me  off  handsomely,  I  will 
challenge  every  man  of  themP     . 


An  Irish  soldier,  riding  a  vicious  mule  which  was  run- 
ning away  with  him,  was  asked  by  a  person  he  met  where 
he  was.  going  so  furiously.  "Ask  my  mule,"  said  the 
soldier. 


An  Irish  lady  was  asked  if  she.  could  sing,  and  replied, 
'•'  No,  sir ;  but  I  can  enchant.'" 


An  Irishman,  calling  for  a  letter  at  the  post-office,  be- 
ing asked,  "What  name?"  replied,  "My  name  is  on  the 
outside  of  the  letter." 


A  son  of  Erin  boasted  that  he  had  often  skated  sixty 
miles  a  day.  "  Sixty  miles  !  "  exclaimed  an  auditor :  "  that 
is  a  great  distance.  It  must  have  been  accomplished  when 
the  days  were  longest."  —  "To  be  sure  it  was;  I  admit 
that,"  cried  the  ingenious  Hibernian. 


"  Ah,  now,  my  darling ! "  exclaimed  an  Irishman  when 
his  boy  threatened  to  enlist  in  the  army,  "would  you  be 
laving  your  poor  ould  father,  that  doted  upon  ye?  —  you, 
the  best  and  most  dutiful  of  all  my  children,  and  the  only 
one  that  never  struck  me  when  I  was  down  ?  " 


Chancellor  Walworth  was  sometimes  severe  upon  un- 
learned lawyers  who  appeared  before  his  court.  A  witty 
Irish  lawyer,  for  whom  the  chancellor  did  not  entertain 
very  high  respect,  was  asked  by  his  Honor,  "Mr.  Mulock, 


IRISH   WIT  AND   BLUNDERS,  193 

will  you  permit  me  to  ask  who  prepared  these  plead- 
ings?" 

'•  Oh,  yes,  your  Honor !  I  did." 

"  Then  I  have  only  to  say,"  said  the  chancellor,  "  you 
should  have  consulted  counsel." 

"  May  it  please  your  Honor,"  was  Mulock's  ready  answer, 
"  I  have  not  known  whom  to  consult  since  your  Honor  left 
the  bar." 

Members  of  the  profession,  present  in  large  numbers,  were 
convulsed  with  laughter  by  this  witty  response. 


"  Biddy,"  said  a  lady,  "  step  over  and  see  how  old  Mrs. 
Jones  is  this  morning."  In  a  few  minutes,  Biddy  returned 
with  the  information  that  Mrs.  Jones  was  seventy-two  years, 
seven  months,  and  two  days  old,  that  morning. 


An  Irishman  having  driven  a  gentleman  a  long  stage 
one  very  rainy  day,  the  gentleman  civilly  said  to  him, 
"  Paddy,  are  you  not  very  wet  ?  " 

"  Arrah  !  I  don't  care  about  being  very  wet :  but,  plaze 
your   Honor,    I'm  very   dry;   and   that's   what   distresses 


me." 


Complaint  having  been  made  in  a  Yorkshire  hospital  that 
an  old  Hibernian  would  not  submit  to  the  prescribed  reme- 
dies, one  of  the  committee  proceeded  to  expostulate  with 
him  ;  when  he  defended  himself  by  exclaiming,  — 

"  Sure,  your  Honor,  wasn't  it  a  blister  they  wanted  to  put 
upon  my  back  ?  And  I  only  tould  'em  it  was  althegither 
impossible ;  for  I've  sich  a  mighty  dislike  to  them  blisters, 
that,  put  'em  where  you  will,  they  are  sure  to  go  agin  my 
stomach." 


"  I  have  juHt  mot  our  old  ac<|U.'iiiit:incc,  Daly,"  said  an 
Irishman   to  his   friend;    "and   was   sorry   to  seo   ho   has 

13 


194  MIBTHFULNESS. 

shrunk  away  to  almost  nothing.     You  are  thin,  and  I  am 
thin  J  but  he  is  thinner  than  both  of  us  put  together." 


"  My  dear  Murphy,"  said  an  Irishman  to  his  friend,  "why 
did  you  betray  the  secret  I  told  you  ?  " 

"  Is  it  betraying,  you  call  it  ?  Sure,  when  I  found  I 
wan't  able  to  keep  it  myself,  didn't  I  do  well  to  tell  it  to 
somebody  in  whose  ability  I  had  more  confidence  than  in 
my  own  ?  " 

A  certain  lord  always  inquired  as  to  the  religious  and  po- 
litical faith  of  persons  whom  he  employed  in  his  domestic 
service  before  engaging  them.  While  residing  on  his  Irish 
estates,  a  groom  presented  himself  to  be  hired,  resolving 
beforehand  not  to  compromise  himself  by  any  inconsiderate 
replies. 

"  What  are  your  opinions  ?"  was  the  peer's  first  demand, 

"Indeed  then,  your  Lordship's  Honor,  I  have  just  none 
at  all,  at  all." 

"  Not  any  ?  Nonsense  !  You  must  have  some  ;  and  I 
insist  upon  knowing  them." 

"  Why,  then,  your  Honor's  glory,  they  are  just  the  same 
as  your  lordship's." 

"  Then  you  can  have  no  objection  to  state  them,  and  to 
confess  frankly  what  is  your  way  of  thinking." 

"  Och !  and  is  it  my  way  of  thinking  you  mane  by  my 
opinion  ?  Why,  then,  I  am  exactly  the  same  way  of  think- 
ing as  Pat  Sullivan,  your  Honor's  gamekeeper;  for  says  he 
to  me  as  I  was  coming  up  stairs,  '  Murphy,'  says  he,  '  I'm 
thinking  you'll  never  be  paying  me  the  two  and  twenty  shil- 
lings  I  lent  you  last  Christmas  a  twelvemonth.'  —  '  Indade, 
says  I,  '  Pat  Sullivan,  I'm  quite  your  way  of  thinking.' " 


Two  young  Irishmen,  thinking  to  cheapen  their  expenses, 
agreed  that  one  should  board,  and  the  other  should  lodge. 


IRISH   WIT  AND   BLUNDERS.  195 

An  Irishman  thought  that  people  must  like  to  be  buried 
in  a  certain  churchyard,  because  it  was  such  a  healthy  place. 


"  Is  Biddy  afraid  of  work  ?  "  inquired  a  gentleman  of  a 
lady  whom  Biddy  had  served. 

"  No,"  was  the  lady's  reply :  "  she  can  lie  down  and 
sleep  by  it." 


An  Irishman,  whose  brother  was  a  priest,  being  asked, 
"  Has  your  brother  a  living  ?  "  replied,  "  No." 
"  How,  then,  does  he  employ  himself?" 
"  He  says  mass  in  the  morning." 
"  What  does  he  do  in  the  evening  ?  " 
"  In  the  evening,  he  doiiH  know  what  he  sai/s." 


"  Patrick,"  said  a  lying  acquaintance,  "  did  you  ever  hear 
this  story  before  ?  " 

"  No,"  said  Patrick  :  «  did  you  ?  »    •* 


An  unwelcome  visitor  to  a  certain  house  found,  at  the 
time  of  one  of  his  calls,  no  one  at  home  but  Bridget.  The 
following  conversation  passed  between  the  two  :  — 

"  Where  is  your  master  ?  " 

"  He's  gone  out."      , 

"  Where  is  your  mistress  ?  " 

"  She's  gone  out." 

"  Well,  as  I'm  somewhat  chilly,  I'll  step  in  and  warm." 

Bridget's  reply  was,  "The  fire  has  gone  out  also." 


An  Irishman  said  that  a  friend  of  his  had  died  suddenly. 
"  Did  he  live  high  ?  "  lie  was  askcul. 

"I  can't  say  as  to  that,"  replied  Mike.;  "but  lie  died 
high.      He  VfiVi  suspended  from  the  gallows!" 


An  Irishman,  reduced  by  sickness,  occasionally  stopped 


196  MIRTHFULNESS. 

breathing  for  a  short  time.  When  awake,  his  attendant 
asked  him,  "An'  how'll  we  know,  Jemmy,  when  you're 
dead  ?     You're  afther  wakin'  up  ivery  time." 

"  Bring  me  a  glass  of  grog,  an'  say  to  me,  *  Here's  till  ye. 
Jemmy ! '  an',  if  I  don't  rise  up  and  dhrink,  then  bury  me." 


An  Irish  couple  called  upon  a  Protestant  clergyman  in 
New  Bedford  late  one  evening,  and  asked  him  to  marry 
them.     Addressing  the  man,  the  clergyman  said,  — 

"  Why  do  you  not  go  to  the  priest  ?  " 

"  We  have  been  to  him,"  said  Mike ;  "  and  he  refused  to 
marry  us,  and  tould  us  to  go  to  the  Devil ;  and  we  have 
come  to  you." 

Two  Irishmen  were  in  prison,  —  the  one  for  stealing  a 
cow,  and  the  other  for  stealing  a  watch. 

"  Hallo,  Mike  !  what  o'clock  is  it  ?  "  said  the  cow-stealer 
to  the  other.  '-^ 

"And  sure,  Pat,  I  haven't  a  time-piece  handy;  but  I 
think  it  is  most  milking-time." 


"A  man  whp'U  maliciously  set  fire  to  a  barn,"  said  an 
Irishman,  "  ought  to  be  kicked  to  death  by  a  donkey ;  and 
I'd  like  to  be  the  one  to  do  it  myself." 


An  unmarried  Irishman  seeing  the  words,  "  Families  sup- 
plied," over  the  door  of  a  shop,  stepped  in,  and  said  he 
would  take  a  wife  and  two  children. 


A  Disorderly  Irish  Meeting.  —  "  Order ! "    cried  a 
voice  in  authority. 

"  Order  any  thing  you  plaze,  sir ! "  said  a  voice  in  the  crowd. 

"  Whiskey !  "  cried  one. 

"  Porther ! "  shouted  another. 

"  Tabbakky ! "  roared  a  third. 


IRISH  WIT  AND  BLUNDERS.  197 

"  I  must  insist  on  silence ! "  cried  the  sheriff  in  a  very 
husky  voice.  "  Silence,  or  I'll  have  the  court-house  cleared ! " 
^"  If  you  cleared  your  own  throat  it  would  be  betther," 
said  a  wag  in  the  crowd. 

A  laugh  followed :  the  sheriff  felt  the  hit,  and  was  silent. 


Two  Irishmen  fought  a  duel,  one  of  whom  fired  both 
of  his  pistols  before  his  antagonist  fired  either  of  his;  the 
latter  falling  wounded.  The  former,  fearing  his  antagonist 
might  rise  and  take  his  life,  fled  from  his  post  with  all  pos- 
sible haste.  Jemmy  Moffit,  his  own  second,  followed  after, 
overtook  and  stopped  him,  calling  him  a  coward. 

"  By  my  sowl,"  returned  he^  "  my  dear  Jemmy  Moffit, 
maybe  so :  you  may  call  me  a  coward  if  you  plaze ;  but  I 
did  it  all  for  the  best." 

"  The  best,  you  coward  ?  " 

**  Yes ;  sure  it's  betther  to  be  a  coward  than  a  corpse  ;  and 
I  must  have  been  either  one  or  t'other  of  them." 


An  Hibernian  traveller,  expressing  how  cheering  and 
comfortable  roads  are  made  by  mile-stones,  suggests  that  it 
would  be  a  great  improvement  if  they  were  nearer  each  other. 


An  Irish  footman,  having  carried  a  basket  of  game  from 
his  master  to  a  friend,  waiting  considerable  time  for  the  cus- 
tomary fee,  and  none  being  offered,  scratched  his  head,  and 
said,  "Sir,  if  my  master  should  say,  'Faddy,  what  did  the  gen- 
tleman give  you?'  what  would  your  Honor  have  mo  tell  him?" 


A  person  was  boasting  that  ho  was  sprung  from  a  high 
family  in  Ireland.  "Yes,"  said  a  bystander:  "I  have  seen 
some  of  the  same  family  so  high,  that  their  feet  could  not 
touch  tlic  (jroundP 


An  Irish  gentleman,  being  visited  by  a  friend  of  his,  was 


198  MIRTHFULNESS.       * 

found  a  good  deal  ruffled,  and,  being  asked  the  reason  of  it, 
said  he  had  lost  a  new  pair  of  black  silk  stockings  out  of  his 
room,  which  cost  him  eighteen  shillings ;  but  that  he  hoped 
he  should  get  them  again,  for  he  ordered  them  to  be  cried, 
and  offered  a  half-crown  reward.  His  friend  observed  that 
the  reward  was  too  little  for  such  valuable  stockings. 

"  Pho ! "  said  the  Irishman  :  "  I  ordered  the  crier  to  say 
they  were  worsted." 


In  a  new-raised  corps,  a  soldier  lately  observed  to  his  com- 
rade, who  was  an  Irishman,  that  a  corporal  was  to  be  dis- 
missed from  the  regiment. 

"  Faith  and  indeed,"  replied  the  Irishman,  "  I  hope  it  is 
the  corporal  who  is  so  troublesome  in  our  company." 

"  What  is  his  name  ?  "  replied  the  other. 

"  Why,  arrah,  dear  honey  !  it's  Corporal  Punishment,  sure." 


An  Irishman  at  an  assize  in  Cork,  being  arraigned  for 
felon}'  before  Judge  Monteney,  was  asked  by  whom  he 
would  be  tried. 

"  By  no  one,"  says  he. 

The  jailer  desired  him  to  say,  "By. God  and  his  country." 

"I'll  not  do  it,"  says  Paddy ;  "for  I  don't  like  it  at  all, 
at  all,  my  dear." 

"  What's  that  you  say,  honest  man  ?  "  said  the  judge. 

"  See  there,  now !  "  sajs  the  criminal.  "  His  lordship,  long 
life  to  him !  calls  me  an  honest  man ;  and  why  should  I  plead 
guilty?" 

"  What  do  you  say  ?  "  replied  the  judge  in  an  authorita- 
tive voice. 

"  I  say,  my  lord,  I  won't  be  tried  by  God  at  all ;  for  he 
knows  all  about  the  matter:  but  I  will  be  tried  by  your 
lordship  and  my  country." 


"Do  not  send  for  Dr.  S ,"  said  Capt.  O'Neal;  "do 


IRISH  WIT  AND  BLUNDERS.  199 

not  send  for  Dr.  S :  for  he  once  attended  a  young  offi- 
cer of  our  regiment;  and,  upon  my  conscience,  be  stuffed 
tlie  poor  lad  so  unmercifully  with  potions  and  draughts,  that 
he  continued  sick  for  a  fortnight  after  he  was  well  entirely." 


"  Patrick,  do  you  know  the  fate  of  the  drunkard  ?  " 

"  Fate  ?    Don't  I  stand  upon  the  most  beautiful  pair  you 


ever  seen  ?  " 


A  poor  Irishman  was  one  day  bragging  to  his  friends  that 
the  king  had  spoken  to  him.  On  being  asked  what  his 
^Majesty  said  to  him,  he  replied,  "  Arrah,  my  dear  honey !  he 
only  axed  me  to  get  out  of  the  way." 


In  a  Limerick  paper,  an  Irish  gentleman,  whose  lady 
had  absconded  from  him,  thus  cautions  the  public  against 
trusting  her :  "  My  wife  has  eloped  from  me  without  rhyme 
or  reason  ;  and  I  desire  no  one  to  trust  her  on  my  account, 
for  I  am  not  married  to  her  !  " 


An  Irish  clergyman,  having  gone  to  visit  the  portraits 
of  the  Scottish  kings  in  Ilolyrood  House,  observed  one  of 
the  monarchs  of  a  very  youthful  appearance  ;  whilst  his  son 
was  depicted  with  a  long  beard,  and  wore  the  traits  of 
e:^treme  old  age.  *'<Sa?irfa  JJ/an'a ,'"  exclaimed  the  good 
Hibernian,  "  is  it  possible  that  this  gentleman  was  an  old 
man  when  his  fatueu  was  born  ?  " 


A  biography  of  Robespierre,  in  an  Irish  paper,  concludes 
thus:  "This  extraordinary  man  left  no  children  behind 
him  except  his  brother,  who  was  killed  at  the  same  time." 


"  Do  you  know  Tom  Duffy,  I'at  ?  " 

"  Know  biin,  is  it  ?  "  said  Pat.    "  Sure  he's  a  near  relation 
of  mine :  ho  once  wanted  to  marry  my  sister  Kate." 


200  MIRTHFULNESS. 

A  Dublin  paper  contained  the  following  paragraph: 
"  Yesterday,  Mr,  Kenny,  returning  to  town,  fell  down  and 
hroh&  his  neck,  but  happily  received  no  further  damage." 


An  ignorant  Irishman,  sejeing  persons  reading  with  spec- 
tacles, went  to  buy  a  pair  to  enable  himself  to  read.  He 
tried  several  pair,  and  told  the  merchant  he  could  not  read 
with  any  of  them. 

"  Can  you  read  at  all  ?  "  asked  the  merchant. 

"  No,"  was  the  reply :  "  if  I  could,  do  you  think  I  would 
be  such  a  fool  as  to  buy  spectacles  ?  " 


An  Irish  stone-mason  was  employed  to  engrave  the  fol- 
lowing epitaph  on  a  tradesman's  wife  :  — 

"  A  virtuous  woman  is  a  crown  to  her  husband."  The 
stone,  however,  being  narrow,  he  contracted  the  sentence  in 
the  following  manner :  "  A  virtuous  woman  is  5s.  to  her 
husband." 


A  person  asked  an  Irishman  why  he  wore  his  stockings 
the  wrong  side  outwards ;  who  answered,  because  there  was 
a  hole  on  the  other  side. 


A  poor  Irishman  was  brought  before  a  magistrate  as  a 

common  vagrant.    The  justice  asked  him  what  brought  him 

over  to  this  country. 
"A  ship,  your  Honor." 
"  A  ship,  you  impertinent  fellow !     How  do  you  get  your 

living  ?  " 

"  By  my  hands,  your  Honor :  I  am  a  hay-maker." 

"And  how  long  have  you  been  out  of  employ?" 

"  Plaze  your  Honor,  our  trade  has  been  rather  dull  all  this 

winter." 

Jack  Banister,  praising  the  hospitality  of  the  Irish  after 


IRISH  WIT  AND   BLXHSTDERS.  201 

his  return  from  one  of  his  trips  to  the  sister  kingdom,  was 
asked  if  he  had  been  in  Cork. 

"  No,"  replied  the  wit  j  "  but  I  saw  a  great  many  draw- 
ings of  it." 


"  Patrick,  are  you  asleep  ? 

"  And  why  are  ye  asking  me  that  ?  " 

"  Why,  if  yer  awake,  I'm  afther  borrowing  a  dollar  of  ye." 

"  Be  done  bothering  me  so  !  I'm  fast  asleep, — sure  I  am." 


"  Now,  Patrick,"  said  a  judge,  "  what  do  you  say  to  the 
charge  ?     Are  you  guilty,  or  not  guilty  ?  " 

"  Faith  !  but  that's  difficult  for  yer  Honor  to  ax,  let  alone 
meself.     Wait  till  I  hear  the  evidence." 


An  Irish  drummer,  who  now  and  then  indulged  in  a  glass 
or  two,  was  accosted  by  the  inspecting -general,  "What 
makes  your  face  look  so  red  ?  " 

"  Plase  your  Honor,"  said  Pat,  "  I  always  blush  when  I 
spake  to  a  general  officer." 


A  tall  Hibernian  gentleman  entered  the  office  of'a  writ- 
ing-master, and  inquired  the  price  of  a  "saison  at  writin'." 

"  I  charge  twenty-five  dollars  for  the  first  month,  twenty 
dollars  for  the  second,  and  fifteen  dollars  for  the  third,"  was 
the  rojily. 

"  Then,  sir,  you'll  be  kind  enough  to  put  me  down  on  yer 
list  as  a  scholar  fur  the  third  month  as  a  commencement," 
said  the  customer. 


"  Here,  you  fellow ! "  said  a  dandy  to  an  Irish  laborer, 
"  come,  tell  me  the  biggest  lie  you  ever  told  in  your  life, 
and  I'll  treat  you  to  a  whitikey-punch." 

"An'  by  my  sowl,"  quickly  retorted  Pat,  "yer  Honor  is  a 
gentleman." 


202  MIRTHFULNESS. 

An  Irish  laborer  plunged  into  a  river,  and  rescued  a  man 
from  drowning.  The  gentleman  rewarded  Pat  with  a  six- 
pence. 

"  Well,"  said  the  drowning  miser,  seeing  the  Irishman's 
doubting  position  :  "  ain't  you  satisfied  ?  Do  you  think  you 
ought  to  have  more  ?  " 

"  Och  ! "  answered  the  Hibernian,  looking  hard  at  the  man 
he  had  rescued,  " I  think  I'm  overpaid" 


"  Did  your  fall  hurt  you  ?  "  asked  one  Irishman  of  another 
who  had  fallen  from  a  three-story  building. 

"Not  in  the  laste,  honey,"  replied  the  other;  "but  it  was 
stopping  so  quick  that  injured  me." 


A  gentleman  who  had  conferred  a  favor  upon  an  Irish- 
man was  thus  addressed  by  him :  — 

"  Long  life  to  you,  sir !  With  the  blessing  of  God,  may 
you  live  to  eat  the  hen  that  scratches  the  gravel  on  your 
grave ! " 


A  son  of  Erin  stole  some  money  from  his  priest,  and  went 

to  him  for  confession.     He  frankly  told  the  priest  what  he 

had  done,  and  asked  him  what  he  should  do  in  the  case. 

The  priest  told  him  he  must  confess,  and  restore  the  money 

to  its  rightful  owner. 

"  But  suppose  he  won't  take  it  ?  "  said  Pat. 

"  Then  keep  it  yourself,  and  appropriate  it  to  your  own 

use." 

"  But  won't  you  take  the  money,  sir  ?  " 

"  Oh,  no !  "  said  the  priest.     "  I  don't  want  it." 

"  I'm  greatly  obliged  to  your  Eeverence,"  said  Pat,  "  for 

authority  to  keep  this  nice  little  sum,  which  I  stole  from 

yourself" 


A  citizen  of  Ireland  went  to  his  religious  teacher  for  con- 


IRISH   "SVIT   AND   BLUNDERS.  203 

fession,  aud  confessed  that  he  was  the  vilest  man  on  earth. 
He  had  never  done  any  good,  had  broken  every  command- 
ment in  the  decalogue,  and  had  committed  every  sin  in  the 
calendar.  The  priest  asked  him  to  think  over  his  entire 
life,  and  see  if  he  could  not  find  in  it  one  good  act.  He 
tried,  and  said  it  was  of  no  use.  The  priest  told  him  to  try 
again.  On  this  trial  he  was  successful ;  and  he  proclaimed 
his  success  by  saying,  "I  kilt  a  ganger  (an  excise -man) 
once  !  "  This  worthy  deed  he  thought  ought  to  expiate  for 
a  portion  of  his  enormous  guilt. 


Near  a  depot  were  several  Irish  draymen.  Thinking  to 
quiz  them,  a  gentleman  shouted  to  one,  "  Has  the  railroad 
got  in  ?  " 

"  One  ind  has,  sir,"  was  the  prompt  response. 


"Pay  me  that  six-and-eight-pence  you  owe  me,"  said  an 
Irish  attorney  to  one  of  his  clients. 
"For  what?"   . 

"  For  the  opinion  you  had  of  me." 
"  Faith,  I  never  had  any  opinion  of  you  in  all  my  life." 


An  Irish  girl  told  her  forbidden  lover  she  was  longing  to 
possess  his  portrait,  and  intended  to  obtain  it. 

*'  But  how  if  your  friends  see  it  ?  "  inquired  he. 

"Ah!  but  I'll  tell  the  artist  not  to  make  it  like  you:  80 
they  won't  know  it." 


A  fashionable  Irish  gentleman,  driving  a  good  deal  about 
Cheltenham,  was  observed  to  have  the  not  very  graceful 
habit  of  lulling  his  tongue  out  as  he  went  along.  Curran, 
who  was  there,  was  asked  what  he  thought  could  bo  his 
countryman's  motive  for  giving  the  instrument  of  eloquence 
8uch  an  airing. 

"  Oh ! "  said  he,  "  he's  trying  to  catch  the  English  accent." 


204  MIETHFULNESS. 

MurpTiy  was  asked  why  it  was  so  difficult  to  waken  him 
in  the  morning. 

"  Indeed,  master,  it's  because  of  your  own  advice,  —  al- 
ways to  attend  to  what  I'm  about.  So,  whenever  I  sleeps, 
I  pays  attintion  to  it." 

An  Irish  sentinel  on  duty  was  so  furiously  assailed  by  a 
dog,  that,  to  escape  inevitable  damage  from  his  powerful 
fangs,  he  shot  the  animal.  The  dog  belonged  to  an  officer 
of  the  garrison,  who  severely  rebuked  the  soldier,  telling 
him  that  he  might  surely  be  satisfied  by  taking  the  but-end 
of  his  musket  to  defend  himself" 

*'■  And  so  I  would  have  done,  yer  Honor,  had  he  run  at  me 
wid  his  tail." 


An  Irishman  told  his  friend  that  he  had  defended  him, 
the  night  before,  against  the  abuse  of  his  enemy. 

"  What  did  the  scoundrel  say  of  me  ?  "  said  his  friend. 

"  He  said  you  were  not  fit  to  carry  garbage  to  a  bear." 

"Did  he?  I  am  glad  you  were  there  to  defend  me. 
What  did  you  say  ?  " 

"  Why,  of  course,  I  contradicted  him  in  the  flattest  terms, 
and  silenced  him  in  a  minute ;  for  I  declared  most  confidently 
that  you  were" 

An  Irish  vagrant,  being  arraigned  before  a  magistrate  on 
a  petty  offence,  was  thus  addressed  by  the  latter:  "Ah, 
sir !  I  see  what  you  are :  I  see  the  rogue  in  your  face." 

"Indeed,  your  Worship,"  said  the  prisoner,  "I  didn't 
know  afore  that  my  face  was  a  looking-glass." 


An  Irish  lady  desirous  of  saving  a  choice  table-beer,  the 
merits  of  which  her  servants  had  discovered,  said  to  her 
butler,  "  Daly,  what  think  you  will  be  the  best  way  of  sav- 
ing this  nice  beer  as  much  as  possible  ?     It  is  so  unusu- 


IRISH  WIT  AND  Bl^FNDERS.  205 

ally  fine  and  nice,  that  I  should  like  it  to  last  a  good 
while." 

"  Why,  madam,"  replied  the  well-fed  functionary,  "  I  raly 
don't  think  you  could  do  better  than  place  a  barrel  of  good 
strong  ale  close  by  the  side  of  it." 


On  a  dark,  cold  night,  the  matron  of  a  well-known  insti- 
tution in  the  metropolis  was  aroused  from  her  sleep  by  very 
loud  and  continued  knocking  at  the  door.  She  put  her 
head  out  of  the  window,  and  inquired  who  was  there  at  so 
unseasonable  an  hour. 

"  An'  sure,  ma'am,  it's  mysilf  it  is,"  replied  the  plaintive 
voice  of  an  Irishman ;  "  it's  mysilf  that's  wantin'  shelter 
till  mornin' :  for  I'm  cowld  and  hungry ;  and  sure  it's  a 
dacent  Christian  like  you  that'll  be  after  letting  me  in." 

"  Go  away,  go  away ! "  said  the  embarrassed  matron : 
"  this  is  no  place  for  you.  Get  away,  I  say  !  For  shame 
of  you,  coming  here !    This  is  the  Lying-in  Hospital !  " 

"Oh,  indeed!  —  thin,"  replied  the  poor  fellow,  " it's  the 
very  place  for  me;  for  I've  been  lying  out  these  three 
nights ! " 

Jonathan  and  his  friend  Paddy  riding  together  past  an 
old  gallows,  the  former  attempted  to  be  witty  at  the  expense 
of  the  latter.  "  You  see  that,  I  calculate,"  said  Jonathan, 
morally,  pointing  to  the  object  just  mentioned.  "And  now 
where  would  you  be  if  the  gallows  had  its  due  ?  " 

"  Riding  alone,"  coolly  replied  Paddy. 

Murphy  being  asked  whether  the  infant  child  of  his  mar- 
ried Hister,  born  the  night  before,  was  a  boy  or  a  girl,  re- 
plied, that  he  hadn't  ascertained  whether  he  was  an  uncle 
or  an  aunt. 


An  Irish  woman  api>lied  at  the  door  of  a  wealthy  huly 


206  MIRTHFULNESS. 

for  a  "trifle  of  charity,"  and  was  told  by  tKe  lady  to  go 
away,  as  it  was  against  her  rule  to  give  to  beggars  at  the 
door. 

"  Oh  !  then,  ma'am,"  replied  the  poor  creature,  courtesy- 
ing,  "  I'll  be  after  stepping  into  the  hall,  if  you  plase  ;  " 
and,  suiting  the  action  to  the  word,  she  stepped  over  the 
threshold.  This  so  pleased  the  lady  as  to  influence  her  to 
depart  from  her  rule. 

Two  sons  of  Erin  met,  and  shook  hands  very  cordially, 
supposing  they  knew  each  other :  but  both  soon  discovered 
their  mistake ;  when  one  said,  "  I  thought  it  was  you, 
and  you  thought  it  was  me ;  but,  indade,  it  is  neither  of 
us." 


A  clergyman  met  an  Irish  section-hand  in  a  railroad 
depot  one  very  cold  morning,  and  said  to  him,  "  Patrick,  did 
you  take  an  extra  cup  of  coffee  this  morning  to  keep  you 
warm  ?  " 

"  I  took  something  stronger  than  coffee,  your  Riverence," 
was  his  reply. 

"  What  ?  "  said  the  clergyman. 

"Rum,"  said  Patrick. 

"  0  Patrick !  I  am  very  sorry  you  drink  rum ;  for  it  is  a 
slow  poison." 

"  Oh,  yes  !  your  Reverence ;  verT/  slow  indade :  a  man  will 
live  a  lang  time  on  it." 


Father  Hecker,  the  Catholic  revival-preacher,  numbered 
among  his  converts  a  reformed  inebriate  whom  he  regarded 
both  a  sober  and  a  religious  man.  This  convert  knew  the 
confessor  closed  his  address  to  the  penitent  with  the  lan- 
guage, "  God  bless  you  !  I  forgive  you."  A  little  while  after 
his  conversion  was  regarded  complete,  he  became  intoxi- 
cated, and  in  that  state  called  upon  Father  Hecker,  who 


IRISH   WIT  AND  BLUNDERS.  207 

met  him  at  his  door,  and,  perceiving  his   condition,  started 
back,  and  exchiimed,  "  I  am  sorry,  sorry,  sorry  I " 
•    "  Are  you  indeed  truly  sorry.  Father  Hecker  ?  "  said  the  % 
fallen  convert. 

"  Yes,  I  am,"  said  the  priest. 

"  Well,"  said  the  other,  "  God  bless  you  I  I  forgive 
you?' 

A  very  hungry  Irishman  stepped  into  a  jeweller's  shop 
just  before  the  owner  went  to  his  sumptuous  dinner,  and 
a-sked  hira  what  he  could  afford  to  give  for  a  piece  of  pure 
gold  about  the  size  of  a  brick.  The  jeweller,  thinking  hero 
was  a  chance  for  a  good  bargain,  invited  Paddy  to  dine  with 
him.  Paddy  modestly  assented  to  the  projjosal,  enjoyed  a 
dinner  such  as  he  had  not  tasted  for  months,  kept  pace  with 
his  host  in  giving  judgment  on  the  wine,  and  then  begged 
to  retire. 

"  But  about  the  piece  of  gold,  sir,  the  piece  about  the  size 
of  a  brick,  you  named  in  the  .shop  ?  " 

"Oh,  ay!"  said  Paddy,  "that's  thrue ;  I'd  almost  forgot- 
ten it :  but  I  just  wanted  to  know,  sir,  how  much  you  could 
give  for  it,  supposing  I  should  ever  be  after  finding  such  a 
thing." 

An  Iri.«h  tailor,  having  made  a  gentleman's  coat  and  vest 
too  small,  wa.s  requested  to  let  them  out.  Some  days  after, 
the  gentleman  called  for  his  clothes,  and  was  told  by  the 
tailor  that  he  had  let  out  his  coat  and  vest  to  a  countryman 
of  his,  whom  they  fitted,  at  a  shilling  a  week. 

An    Irishman   had  worked   for  two   brothers,  John    and 
James,  a  farmer  and  a  lawyer.     Being   asked   his  opinion  . 
of  the   two   men,  ho  replied,  "3Iister  John   is  one  of  the 
most  nicest,  the  most  lioncstest,  and  the  most  clovorcstost 
men  in  the  whole  town ;  and  thr-y  are  not  at  all  alike." 


208  MIKTHFULNESS. 

The  late  James  T.  Brady  was  very  fond  of  the  ready 
natural  wit  of  his  countrymen.  One  day,  speaking  of  this 
#  to  a  friend,  he  said,  "  I'll  just  show  you  a  sample.  I'll 
speak  to  any  of  these  men  at  work ;  and  you'll  see  that  I 
will  get  my  answer."  Stepping  up  to  the  men  who  were  at 
work  on  a  cellar  near  by,  he  spoke  to  them  cheerfully. 
"  Good  day,  good  day  to  you,  boys.  That  looks  like  hard 
work  for  you." 

*'  Faix  an'  it  is,"  was  the  answer,  "  or  we  wouldn't  be 
havin'  the  doin'  of  it." 

Pleased  with  this,  he  asked  the  man  what  part  of  Ireland 
he  came  from. 

"  Ah  ! "  said  Brady  on  hearing  the  name,  "  I  came  from 
that  region  myself." 

"Yis,"  said  the  man,  with  another  blow  of  his  pick, 
"  there  was  many  nice  people  in  that  place ;  but  I  never 
heard  that  any  of  them  left  it." 


An  Irishman  called  in  great  haste  upon  Dr.  Abernethy, 
stating,  "  My  boy  Tim  has  swallowed  a  mouse." 

"  Then,"  said  Abernethy,  "  tell  your  boy  Tim  to  swallow 
a  cat." 


An  Irishman,  in  passing  through  the  street,  picked  up  a 
light  guinea,  which  he  was  obliged  to  sell  for  eighteen  shil- 
lings. Next  day,  he  saw  another  guinea  lying  in  the  street. 
"  No,  no,"  says  he  :  "  I'll  have  nothing  to  do  with  you.  I 
lost  three  shillings  by  one  like  you  yesterday." 


An  Irish  soldier  who  came  over  with  Gen.  Moore,  being 
asked  if  he  met  with  much  hospitality  in  Holland,  —  "  Oh, 
yes  !  "  he  replied  :  "  too  much.  I  was  in  the  hospital  almost 
all  the  time  I  was  there."  . 


An  Irish  student  was  once  asked  what  was  meant  by 


IRISH  WIT  AND  BLUNDERS.  209 

posthumous  works.     "  They  are  such  works,"  says  Paddy, 
"  as  a  man  writes  after  he  is  dead." 


An  Irishman,  being  asked  why  he  fled  from  his  colors, 
said  his  heart  was  as  good  as  any  man's  in  the  regiment ; 
but  he  protested  his  cowardly  legs  would  run  away  with 
him,  whatever  he  could  do. 


Sir  Boyle  Koch  rose  one  day  in  the  Irish  House  of  Com- 
mons, and  remarked,  "Mr.  Speaker,  the  progress  of  the 
times  is  such,  that  little  children  who  can  neither  walk 
nor  talk  may  be  seen  running  about  the  streets  cursing 
their  Maker." 


An  Irishman  called  into  a  store,  and  priced  a  pair  of 
gloves.  He  was  told  the  price  was  ten  shillings.  "  Och, 
by  my  soul,  thin,"  says  he,  "I'd  sooner  my  hands  would 
go  barefoot  than  pay  that  price  for  'em !  " 

An  Irish  lawyer  addressed  the  court  as  "  Gentlemen," 
instead  of  "Your  Honors."  After  he  had  concluded,  a 
brother  of  the  bar  reminded  him  of  his  error.  He  imme- 
diately arose  to  apologize  thus :  "  May  it  please  the  Coort, 
in  the  hate  of  debate,  I  called  your  Honors  ycntlemen.  I 
made  a  mistake,  your  Honors."  The  gentleman  sat  down, 
and  the  Court  was  doubtless  satislied  with  the  explana- 
tion. 


A  gentleman,  travelling  on  horseback  "down  East," 
came  ujion  an  Irishman  who  was  fencing  in  a  most  barren 
and  dew)late  piece  of  land.  "  What  are  you  fencing  in  tliat 
lot  for,  Pat?"  said  he.  "A  licrd  of  cows  would  starve  to 
death  on  tha^  land." 

"And  sure,  your  Honor,  waJrCt  I  fcncuig  it  to  keep  the 
poor  beasts  out  uv  it.^* 

14 


210  MIRTHFTJLNESS. 

"  Mike,  why  don't  you  fire  at  those  ducks  ?  Don't  you 
see  you  have  got  the  whole  flock  before  your  gun  ?  " 

"  I  know  I  have ;  but,  when  I  get  good  aim  at  one,  two 
or  thrSe  others  will  swim  right  betwixt  it  and  me." 


An  Englishman,  travelling  in  Kilkenny,  came  to  a  ford, 
and  hired  a  boat  to  take  him  across.  The  water  being 
more  agitated  than  was  agreeable  to  him,  he  asked  the 
boatman  if  any  person  was  ever  lost  in  the  passage.  "  Nev- 
er," replied  Pat.  "  My  brother  was  drowned  here  last  week ; 
but  we  found  him  again  the  next  day." 


A  lady,  mdlling  a  girl  who  had  lately  left  her  service, 
inquired,  "  Well,  Mary,  where  do  you  live  now  ?  "    . 

"  Please,  ma'am,  I  dpn't  live  now^''  replied  the  girl :  "  I'm 
married." 


An  Irish  gentleman  was  recommended  to  a  bill-broker 
for  a  discount.  The  broker  looked  at  the  acceptance,  and, 
as  usual,  started  some  difficulties.  "It  has,"  he  said,  "a 
great  many  days  to  run,  as  you  see,  sir." 

"  That's  very  true,"  replied  the  gentleman  ;  "  but  I  beg 
you  to  observe  that  they  are  the  shortest  in  the  year." 


"I  see  the  villain  in  your  face,"  said  a  Western  judge  to 
an  Irish  prisoner. 

"  May't  plaze  your  Worship,"  said  Pat,  "  that  must  be  a 
personal  reflection,  sure." 

The  wife  of  an  Irish  gentleman  being  suddenly  taken  ill, 
the  husband  ordered  a  servant  to  get  a  horse  ready  to  go 
for  a  doctor.  By  the  time,  however,  that  the  horce  was 
ready,  and  the  note  to  the  doctor  written,  the  lady  had 
recovered ;  on  which  he  added  the  following  postscript,  and 
sent  the  servant  off:  "My  wife  having  recovered,  you  need 
not  come." 


IRISH   WIT   AND   BLUNDERS.  211 

A  butcher  was  lamenting  to  his  Irish  landlord  that  the 
people  of  his  village  were  so  few  and  so  poor,  that  he  was 
unable,  as  formerly,  to  find  customers  for  a , whole  bullock. 
"  Kill  half  a  one  at  a  time,"  replied  the  squire. 


An  Irishman  was  asked  if  his  horse  was  timid.  "Not 
at  all,"  said  he  :  "  he  frequently  spends  the  whole  night  by 
himself  in  a  dark  stable." 


There  is  a  celebrated  reply  of  Mr.  Curran  to  a  remark 
of  Lord  Clare,  who  curtly  exclaimed  to  one  of  his  legal 
positions,  "  Oh !  if  that  be  law,  Mr.  Curran,  I  may  burn  my 
law-books." 

"Better  read  them,  my  lord,"  was  the  sarcastic  and 
appropriate  rejoinder. 


A  man  carrying  a  cradle  was  stopped  by  an  old  woman, 
and  thus  accosted :  "  So,  sir,  you  have  got  some  of  the  fruits 
of  matrimony  ?  " 

"Softly,  old  lady!"  said  he.  "You  mistake:  this  is 
merely  the  fruit-basket." 

A  chimney-sweeper's  boy  went  into  a  baker's  shop  for  a 
twopenny  loaf,  and,  conceiving  it  to  be  diminutive  in  size, 
remarked  to  the  baker  that  he  did  not  believe  it  was  weight, 
"Never  mind  that,"  said  the  man  of  dough:  "  you  will  have 
the  less  to  carry." 

"  True,"  replied  the  lad,  and,  throwing  three  half-pence 
on  the  counter,  left  the  8h(>[).  The  baker  called  after  him 
that  lie  hiul  not  left  money  enough.  "Never  mind  that," 
saitl  young  .so<^)ty :  "  you  will  have  the  less  to  count." 


After  a  battle  between  two  celebrated  pugilists,  an  Irish- 
man miwlo  his  way  to  the  chaise  whore  the  one  who  had  lost 
the  battle  had  been  conveyed,  and  said  to  him,  "  llow  are 


212  MIETHFULNESS. 

you,  my  good  fellow  ?    Can  you  see  at  all  with  the  eye  that 
is  knocked  out  ?  " 


One  Irishman,  meeting  another,  aske'd  what  was  hecome 
of  their  old  acquaintance,  Patrick  Murphy. 

"  Arrah,  now,  dear  honey ! "  answered  the  other,  "  poor 
Pat  was  condemned  to  be  hanged ;  but  he  saved  his  life  by 
dying  in  prison." 

An  Irish  colonel  of  a  volunteer  corps,  who  had  long 
been  a  confirmed  bachelor,  excited  much  pleasantry  by 
haranguing  his  men,  "  Gentlemen,  we  are  all  assembled  this 
day  to  defend  our  wives  and  children." 


An  Irishman,  who  was  talking  in  rather  ambiguous  terms 
about  the  sudden  death  of  his  paternal  relative,  was  asked 
if  he  had  lived  high. 

"  WeU,  I  can't  say  he  did,"  said  Terence  ;  "  but  he  died 
■high." 

"  Why,  what  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"  Faith,  I  mean,  that,  like  the  habeus-corpus  act,  he  was 
suspended." 


An  Irishman,  being  on  a  visit  to  some  relatives  a  little 
more  polished  than  himself,  was  requested,  on  going  to  bed, 
to  be  careful  to  extinguish  the  candle.  He  was  obliged  to 
ask  the  meaning  of  the  word ;  when  he  was  told  it  was  to 
put  it  out.  He  treasured  up  the  term  ;  and  one  day,  when 
he  was  sitting  at  home  in  his  cabin  with  his  wife,  enjoying 
his  "  praties  "  and  buttermilk,  on  the  pig  unceremoniously 
walking  in,  he  said,  proud  of  his  bit  of  learning,  "Judy, 
dear,  will  you  extinguish  the  pig?" 

"  Arrah,  then,  Pat,  honey  !  what  do  you  mane  ?  "  inquired 
Judy. 

"  Musha,  then,  you  ignorant  creature ! "  replied  Pat,  "  it 
manes  put  him  out,  to  be  sure." 


IRISH  -WTT  AND  BLUSTDERS.  213 

An  Irish  recruit  was  asked  by  his  officer,  "  What's  your 
height  ?  "  to  which  Pat  replied,  — 

"  The  man  that  measured  me  told  me  it  was  five  foot 
ten,  or  ten  foot  five  :  I.  am  not  exactly  sure  which ;  hut  it 
was  either  one  or  the  other." 


*'  Ireland's  cup  of  misery,"  said  an  orator,  "  has  been  for 
ages  overflowed ;  and  it  seems  to  be  not  yet  full !  " 

An  Englishman  paying  an  Irish  shoe-black  with  rude- 
ness, the  dirty  urchin,  but  a  wit,  said,  — 

'Oly  honey,  all  the  polish  you  have  is  on  your  boots ;  and 
I  gave  it  to  you." 

"  Why,  Bridget,  you  have  baked  this  bread  to  a  crisp !  " 
"An'  sure,  my  lady,  I  only  baked  it  three  hours,  accord- 
ing to  resaite." 

"  Three  hours  !     Why,  the  recipe  said  but  one." 
"  Yes,  mem  ;  one  hour  for  a  large  loaf,  and  1  had  three 
small  ones ;  and  so  I  baked  'em  three  hours  jist." 


"  Dennis,  darlint,  och,  Dennis,  what  is  it  you're  doing  ?  " 
"Whisht,  Biddy!  I'se  trying  an  experiment." 
"  ^rurther  !  what  is  it  ?  " 

"What  is  it,  did  you  say?    Why,  it's  giving  hot  water  to 
the  chickens  I  am,  so  they'll  be  after  laying  boiled  eggsP 

In  a  Dublin  newspaper  appears  the  following  passage: 
"A  number  of  deaths  are  unavoidably  postponed." 


An  Irishman,  on  being  a-sked  which  was  oldest,  he  or  his 
brother,  rfplicd,  "  I  am  the  oldest ;  but  if  my  brother  lives 
three  yearn,  wo  shall  be  lx)th  of  im  age." 


"I  find  there  are  half  a  dozen  partridges  in  the  lot- 


214  MIETHFULNESS. 

ter,"   said   a   gentleman   to   his    Irisli    servant;    who  re- 
plied, — 

"  Sir,  I  am  glad  you  have  found  them  in  the  letter;  for 
they  all  flew  out  of  the  basket" 


"  Is  not  one  man  as  good  as  another  ?  "  asked  a  Chartist, 
who  was  contending  for  equal  rights,  &c. 

"  Sure  he  is,"  replied  an  Irishman ;  "  and  a  great  deal 
hetther" 


"I  say,  Pat,"  said  a  Yankee  to  an  Irishman  who  was 
digging  in  his  garden,  "  are  you  digging  out  a  hole  in  that 
onion-bed  ?  " 

"  No,"  says  Pat :  "  I  am  digging  out  the  earth,  and  leav- 
ing the  hole." 


One  of  our  eminent  lawyers  of  Irish  descent  was  engaged 
some  time  since  to  defend  an  Irishman  who  had  been  charged 
with  theft.  Assuming  the  prerogative  of  his  position,  the 
counsel,  in  a  private  interview  with  his  client,  said  to  him, — 

"Now,  Patrick,  as  I  am  to  defend  you,  I  want  you  to 
tell  me  frankly  whether  you  are  guilty  or  not.  Did  you 
steal  the  goods  ?  " 

"■  Faith,  then,"  says  Pat,  "  I  'spose  I  must  tell  yez.  In 
troth  I  did  stale  them." 

"  Then  you  ought  to  be  ashamed  of  yourself  to  come 
here  and  disgrace  your  country  by  stealing,"  said  the  hon- 
est counsel. 

"  In  troth,  Mr.  B ,  maybe  I  ought ;   but  then,  if  I 

didnH  stale,  you  wouldn't  have  the  honor  and  credit  of  get- 
tin'  me  off,  d'ye  see." 

An  Irishman,  in  speaking  of  a  spell  of  sickness  he  had 
had,  said,  "Be  my  faith,  I  laid  spachless  six  weeks  in  the  long 
month  of  August,  and  all  my  cry  was,  '  Wather,  wather  ! '  " 


MISCELLANEOUS. 


MISCELLMEOUS. 


INTER ESTTXP  AND    HUMOROUS    EXTRACTS    FROM    THE    LIFE 
OF    ISAAC    T.    HOPPER,    BORN    1771,    AND    DIED    1852. 

Mr.  Hopper  was  a  Friend  Quaker,  and  was  a  distin- 
guished aider  of  slaves  in  tlieir  elibrts  to  escape  South- 
ern bondage.  He  was  manifestly  a  genius ;  and,  although 
precocious  in  early  life,  he  enjoyed  a  vigorous  old  age,  and 
was  distinguished  from  his  childhood  for  his  great  love  of 
fun. 

^Vhen  Isaac  was  five  or  six  years  old,  he  went  out  one 
niglit  with  "Polly"  —  a  faithful  domestic,  who  served  his 
father's  family  some  forty  years  —  to  see  her  milk  the  cow. 
He  had  observed  that  the  animal  kicked  upon  slight  provoca- 
tion ;  and,  when  the  pail  was  nearly  full,  he  broke  a  switch 
from  a  tree  near  by,  slipped  round  to  the  other  side  of  the 
cow,  and  tickled  her  bag.  She  instantly  raised  her  heels, 
and  over  went  I'olly,  milk-pail,  stool,  and  all.  Isaac  ran 
into  the  liou.se,  laughing  with  all  his  might,  to  tell  how  the 
cow  had  kicked  over  Tolly  and  the  pail  of  milk. 

lli.s  mother  went  out  immediately  to  see  whetlu-r  tin-  girl 
wa.s  seriously  ipjured.  "0  mammy!  that  littli^  rogue 
tickled  the  cow,  and  ma<le  In  r  do  it,"  exclaimed  Polly. 
Whereup<m  Isaac  hjul  a  spanking,  and  w:us  sent  to  bed 
without  his  supper. 

P.ut  .so  great  w.is  bis  love  of  fun,  that,  as  he  lay  tln-ro 
wakeful  and  hungry,  he  shoutt-d  with  lauglil«'r  all  alone  by 

217 


218  MIETHFULNESS. 

himself,  thinking  how  droll  Polly  looked  when  she  rolled 
over,  with  her  pail  of  milk  after  her. 

When  he  was  seven  or  eight  years  old,  his  uncle's  wife 
came  one  da}^  to  the  house  on  horseback.  She  was  a  fat, 
clumsy  woman,  and  got  on  and  off  her  horse  with  difficulty. 
Isaac  saw  her  coming,  and,  knowing  that  all  the  family 
were  from  home,  let  down  the  bars  for  her,  and  she  rode  up 
to  the  horse-block,  with  which  every  farm-house  was  then 
furnished,  rolled  off  her  horse,  and  went  into  the  house. 
She  then  discovered  for  the  first  time  that  no  one  was  at 
home. 

After  resting  a  while,  she  mounted  to  depart.  But  Isaac, 
full  of  mischief,  put  the  bars  up  so  that  she  could  not  ride 
out.  In  vain  she  coaxed  and  scolded  and  threatened.  Find- 
ing she  could  not  prevail  on  the  rogue  to  let  down  the  bars, 
she  rode  back  to  the  block,  and  rolled  from  her  horse,  and 
let  the  bars  down  herself  While  she  waS  remounting  from 
the  block,  the  roguish  boy  put  the  bars  up  again ;  and  this 
mischief  was  continued  until  the  boy's  parents  came  home, 
and  caught  him  in  the  midst  of  his  frolic,  and  gave  him  a 
severe  flogging,  which  he  willingly  endured  for  the  rare 
sport  he  had  enjoyed. 

When  at  school,  his  teacher  made  the  following  rule  :  — 

He  should  take  all  apples  he  saw  in  the  hands  of  his  pu- 
pils in  school-hours,  and  should  place  them  on  his  desk,  with 
the  agreement  that  any  one  might  have  them  who  could 
succeed  in  taking  them  without  being  observed  by  him. 

One  day,  when  a  large  rosy-cheeked  apple  stood  temj)t- 
ingly  on  the  desk,  Isaac  stepped  up  to  have  his  pen  mended. 
While  the  pen  was  being  mended,  Isaac  gazed  earnestly 
out  of  the  window  behind  the  desk.  The  teacher  inquired 
what  he  was  looking  at.     He  replied,  — 

"I  am  watching  a  flock  of  ducks  trying  to  swim  on  the 
ice.     How  queerly  they  waddle  and  slide  about ! " 

"  Ducks  swim  on  ice  ! "  exclaimed  the  schoolmaster  j  and 


ISAAC   T.    PIOPPER.  219 

he  turned  to  observe  such  an  unusual  spectacle.  It  was  only 
for  an  instant ;  but  the  apple,  meanwhile,  was  transferred 
to  the  pocket  of  his  cunning  pupil.  The  master  smik-d  as 
lie  gave  Isaac  his  pen,  and  said,  "Ah,  you  rogue!  you  aro 
always  full  of  mischief" 

Isaac  was  as  precocious  in  love  as  in  other  clatters.     Not 
far  from  his  home  lived  a  prosperous  and  highly  respecta- 
ble Quaker  family  named    Tatum.       Sarah  was    an    only 
daughter  of  this  family,  and  very  amiable   and  handsome. 
She  was  Isaac's  second  cousin.     When  he  was  only  eight 
yeai-s  old,  and  she  was  not  yet  five,  he  made  up  his  mind 
that  little  Sarah  Tatum  was  his  wife,  and  from  that  time  for- 
ward her  company  was  very  attractive  to  him.     When  he 
was  fourteen  years  old,  he  wrote  to  her  his  first  love-letter. 
His  education,  although  three  years  older,  was  not  as  good 
as  hers.     He  put  her  name  inside  the  letter,  and  his  own  ou 
the  outside.     Sarah  told  her  young  lover  that  was  not  the 
correct  way  to  write  a  letter,  and   instructed    him   how  to 
proceed  in  future.     From  that  time  they  corresponded  con 
stantly.     At  the   age  of  sixteen,  he  became  an   apprentice 
in   Philadelphia,  where   his  boyish  love  of  fun  was  exhib- 
ited, greatly  to  the  annoyance  of  his  associates.     One  of 
his  fellow-apprentices,  named  William  Roberts,  proposed  that 
they  should  go  together  into  the  cellar  to   steal  a  pitcher 
of  cider.     Isaac  pulled  the   spile;  and   while  William  was 
drawing  the  liquor,  he  took  an  unobserved  opportunity  to 
liide  it.      When  the  pitcher  was  full,  he  pretended  to  Itjok 
all  around  for  it,  witliout  being  able  to  find  it.      At  last,  ho 
toll!  his    unsuspecting  comrade   that    he    must    thrust    his 
finger  into  the  hole  and  keep  it  there,  wliilt-  he  went  to  get 
another  spile.      William  waited  and  waited  for  him  (o  n- 
turn  ;  but  when  an  hour  or  more  hiul   elapsed,  his  patience 
wa.s  exhausted,  and  he    began   to  halloo.      The    noise,  in- 
stead of  bringing  Isaac  to  his  assisfatKre,  brouxbt  the  mis- 
tress of  the  hou.se,  who  caught  the  culprit  at  the  cider-bar- 


220  '         MIRTHFULNESS. 

rel,  and  gave  him  a  severe  scolding,  to  the  infinite  grati- 
fication of  his  mischievous  companion.  *  While  Isaac  was 
an  apprentice,  he  did  not  profess  to  he  a  Quaker.  He  used 
the  customary  language  of  the  world,  and  loved  to  display 
his  attractive  figure  in  fashionable  clothing.  While  he  was 
a  favorite  with  the  young  ladies  of  his  acquaintance,  his 
thoughts  never  wandered  from  Sarah  Tatum  as  the  chief 
object  of  affection.  Once,  when  he  had  a  new  suit  of 
clothes,  and  stylish  boots,  the  tops  turned  down  with  red,  a 
young  man  of  his  acquaintance  invited  him  to  spend  the 
sabbath  with  him  at  his  father's  house.  The  invitation 
was  accepted.  The  young  man  had  a  sister,  who  imagined 
that  young  Hopper  had  come  to  visit  her.  As  soon  as  she 
found  herself  alone  with  him  Saturday  night,  she  began  to 
specify  in  rather  significant  terms  what  she  should  require 
of  a  man  who  wished  to  marry  her.  Her  remarks  made 
Isaac  rather  fidgety ;  but  he  replied  in  general  terms, 
that  he  thought  her  ideas  on  the  subject  were  very  cor- 
rect. 

"  I  suppose  you  think  my  father  will  give  me  considerable 
money,"  said  she  ;  "  but  that  is  a  mistake.  Whoever  takes 
me,  must  take  me  for  myself  alone." 

Being  unable  to  ward  off  this  direct  attack,  and  fearing 
that  he  should  find  himself  engaged  to  be  married  against 
his  will,  he  seized  his  hat ;  and  although  it  was  raining 
hard,  he  rushed  from  the  house.  Crossing  the  yard  in 
desperate  haste,  he  encountered  the  brother  of  the  young 
lady  from  whom  he  had  escaped,  who  called  out  to  him,  — 

"  Where  are  you  going  ?  " 

"  Going  home,"  exclaimed  his  astonished  friend. 

"  Why,  it  is  raining  hard ;  you  came  to  stay  all  night. 
What  does  possess  you,  Isaac  ?  Come  back !  come  back, 
I  say  ! " 

"  I  won't  come  back  ! "  shouted  Isaac  from  the  distance. 
"  I'm  going  home."     And  home  he  went,   greatly  to  the 


ISAAC  T.   HOPPER.  221 

injury  of  his  new  clothes  and  red-topped  hoots ;  hut  he  re- 
garded Ills  escape  worth  all  it  cost  him. 

In  the  course  of  time,  Sarah  Tatum  became  an  attractive 
young  woman,  and  had  many  offers  of  marriage,  hut  re- 
fused them  all,  clinging  to  Isaac,  who  first  won  her  heart, 
and  whose  wife  she  cheerfully  became.  When  about  twenty- 
two  years  of  age,  Isaac  was  received  into  the  Society  of 
Friends,  from  which  time  onward  there  was  a  marked 
change  in  his  religious  character.  His  love  of  fun  was  no 
longer  allowed  gratification  at  the  expense  of  others.  In 
his  efforts  to  protect  the  rights  and  redress  the  wrongs  of 
colore(l  people.  Friend  Hopper  had  a  zealous  and  faithful 
ally  in  Thomas  Harrison,  also  a  member  of  the  Society  of 
Friends.  Thomas  was  a  lively,  bustling  man,  with  a  roguish 
twinkle  in  his  eye,  and  a  humorous  style  of  talking.  Some 
Friends,  of  more  quiet  temperaments  than  himself,  thought 
he  had  more  activity  than  was  consistent  with  dignity. 
The}'  reminded  liim  that  Mary  sat  still  at  the  feet  of  Jesus, 
while  Martha  was  "  troubled  about  many  things." 

"  All  that  is  very  well,"  replied  Thomas ;  "  but  Mary 
would  have  had  a  late  breakfast,  after  all,  if  it  had  not  been 
for  Martha." 

A  man  by  tlie  name  of  Daniel  Goodwin,  in  the  lower 
part  of  Delaware,  made  a  business  of  buying  slaves  run- 
ning; taking  the  risk  of  losing  the  small  sums  paid  for  them 
under  such  circumstances.  In  the  year  180C,  he  purchased 
in  this  way  a  slave  named  Ezekiel,  familiarly  cfilU-d 
Z-'hi'.  He  went  to  Philadcl{)hia,  and  called  on  Isaac  T. 
Hopper;  thiijving,  if  he  knew  wliere  the  man  was,  he  would 
be  glad  to  have  his  freedom  secured  on  moderate  terms. 
Wbile  this  speculator  wa.s  conversing  with  Mr.  Hopi»er,  a 
colored  man  joined  them,  and  listened  to  what  was  said 
alxmt  Zeko  with  special  interest.  Addressing  Mr.  Good- 
win, the  colored  man  told  him  ho  was  Zeke's  brother;  that 
Z.  was  greatly  demoralized,  never  would  be  worth  any  thing 


222  MIRTHFULNESS. 

to  him  as  a  slave,  and  he  had  better  abandon  the  search 
of  him. 

G-oodwin  urged  the  colored  man  to  purchase  his  brother, 
offering  a  variety  of  arguments  why  his  proposal  should  be 
accepted.  Goodwin  offered  to  give  him  a  deed,  insuring 
Zeke's  freedom  for  one  hundred  and  fifty  dollars. 

"  Poh  !  poll !  "  exclaimed  the  colored  man.  "  I  tell  you 
Zeke  will  never  be  worth  a  cent  to  you  or  anybody  else.  A 
hundred  and  fifty  dollars  indeed  !  " 

Finally  Goodwin  said  he  would  yield  his  claim  to  Zeke 
for  sixty  dollars.  The  colored  man  went  out,  and  soon  re- 
turned with  the  money.  Isaac  T.  Hopper  drew  up  a  deed 
of  manumission,  in  wliich  the  purchaser  requested  him  to 
insert  that  Zeke  was  now  commonly  called  Samuel  Johnson. 
The  money  was  paid,  and  the  deed  signed  with  all  neces- 
sary formalities.  When  the  business  was  entirely  completed, 
the  colored  man  said,  "  Zeke  is  now  free,  is  he  ?  " 

When  Mr.  Goodwin  answered,  "Yes,"  he  turned  to 
Friend  Hopper,  and  repeated  the  question  :  "  Zeke  is  free, 
and  nobody  can  take  him,  can  they,  Mr.  Hopper  ?  If  he 
were  here,  he  would  be  in  no  danger,  would  he  ?  " 

Friend  Hopper  replied,  "  Wherever  Zeke  may  now  be,  I 
assure  thee  he  is  free." 

Being  thus  assured,  the  black  man  made  a  low  bow,  and, 
with  a  droll  expression  of  countenance,  said,  — 

"  I  hope  you  are  very  well,  Mr.  Goodwin.  I  am  happy 
to  see  you,  sir.     I  am  Zeke  ! " 

The  speculator,  finding  himself  thus  outwitted,  flew  into 
a  violent  rage.  He  seized  Zeke  hy  the  collar,  and  began 
to  threaten  and  abuse  him.  But  the  colored  man  shook  his 
fist  at  him,  and  said,  — 

"If  3'^ou  don't  let  me  go,  Mr.  Goodwin,  I'll  knock  yon 
down.  I'm  a  free  citizen  of  these  United  States;  and*  I 
won't  be  insulted  in  this  way  by  anybody." 

Friend  Hopper  interfered  between  them,  and  Mr.  Good- 


ISAAC  T.   HOPPER.  223 

win  agreed  to  go  before  a  magistrate  to  have  the  case  ex- 
amined. When  the  particuhirs  had  been  recounted,  the 
magistrate  answered,  ''  You  have  been  outwitted,  sir.  Zeke 
is  now  as  free  as  any  man  in  this  room." 

A  slave  escaped  from  Col.  Ridgely,  who  resided  in  the 
southern  part  of  Virginia,  and  went  to  Philadelphia,  where 
he  remained  several  years  undiscovered,  and  accumulated 
some  propert}'.  Wishing  to  purchase  his  freedom,  he  ap- 
plied to  Friend  Hopper  to  negotiate  with  his  master  for  the 
accomplishment  of  this  object.  A  negotiation  was  opened 
with  Col.  Ridgely,  who  agreed  to  take  two  hundred  dol- 
lars for  the  fugitive,  and  appointed  a  time  to  come  to  Phila- 
deljihia  to  arrange  the  business.  But,  instead  of  keeping 
Lis  agreement  honorably,  he  went  to  that  city  several  weeks 
before  the  appointed  time,  and  seized  his  slave,  and  took  him 
to  Friend  ILjppcr's  office,  where  he  refused  tlie  two  hundred 
dollars  he  had  agreed  to  take,  saying  he  was  the  best  ser- 
vant he  ever  had,  and  that  he  could  sell  him  for  a  thousand 
dollars  in  Virginia. 

"  Under  present  circumstances,"  said  Col.  Eidgely, 
"I  will  take  five  hundred  dollars  for  him,  and  not  one  cent 
less." 

Friend  Hopper  asked  that  the  bondman  might  remain 
with  him  until  ten  o'clock  the  next  day,  for  the  purpose  of 
ascertaining  whether  the  five  hundred  dollars  could  be  raised 
for  his  manumission.  Friend  Hopper  propo.sed  to  give  hi.s 
WNtt<'n  obligation  that  the  slave  should  be  j)resent  at  ten 
o'clock  the  next  day,  and  should  b(>  surrendered  to  his  ma.s- 
ter  if  the  money  was  not  raised  for  his  manumission.  This 
was  agreed  to  by  Col.  Kidgely.  The  obligaticju  was  given, 
and  the  cclonel  departed,  leaving  his  slave  in  the  possession 
of  Friend  Hopper. 

After  the  master  was  gone,  }>\r.  lloiipersaid  to  llie  alarmed 
fiitritive,  "There  now  re^nains  but  one  way  for  thee  to 
obtain   thy  freedom.     As   to  raising  five   hundred  dollars, 


224  MIRTHFULNESS. 

that  is  out  of  the  question.  Thy  master  will  come  here 
to-morrow  at  ten  o'clock,  according  to  appointment.  I  must 
deliver  thee  up  to  him,  and  receive  hack  the  obligation  for 
one  thousand  dollars,  which  I  have  given  him.  Do  thou 
stand  with  thy  hack  against  the  door  which  opens  from  this 
room  into  the  parlor.  When  he  has  returned  the  paper  to 
me,  open  the  door  quickly,  lock  it  on  the  inside,  and  run 
through  the  parlor  into  the  back  yard.  There  is  a  wall  there 
eight  feet  high,  with  spikes  at  the  top.  Thou  wilt  find  a 
clothes-horse  leaning  against  it,  to  help  thee  up.  When 
thou  hast  mounted,  kick  the  clothes-horse  down  behind 
thee,  drop  on  the  other  side  of  the  wall,  and  be  off," 

The  premises  were  then  shown  to  him,  and  he  received 
minute  directions  through  what  alleys  and  streets  he  had 
better  pass,  and  at  what  house  he  could  find  a  temporary 
refuge. 

Col.  Ridgely  came  the  next  morning  at  the  appointed 
hour,  and  brought  a  friend  to  stand  sentinel  at  the  street 
door,  lest  the  slave  should  attempt  to  rush  out.  It  did  not 
occur  to  him  that  there  was  any  danger  of  his  rushing  in. 

"  We  have  not  been  able  to  raise  the  five  hundred  dollars," 
said  Friend  Hopper;  "and  here  is  thy  man  according  to 
agreement." 

The  colonel  gave  back  his  obligation  for  one  thousand  dol- 
lars ;  and  the  instant  it  left  his  hand,  the  fugitive  passed  into 
the  parlor.  The  master  sprang  over  the  counter  after  him, 
but  found  the  door  locked.  Before  he  could  get  to  the  back 
3'ard  by  another  door,  the  wall  was  scaled,  the  clothes-horse 
thrown  down,  and  the  fugitive  beyond  his  reach.  The  colo- 
nel returned  greatly  enraged,  declaring  that  a  trick  had 
been  played  upon  him  purposely.  After  he  had  given  vent 
to  his  anger  some  little  time,  Friend  Hopper  asked  for  a 
private  interview  with  him.  When  they  were  alone  to- 
gether in  the  parlor,  he  said,  "I- admit  this  was  an  inten- 
tional trick,  but  I  had  what  seemed  to  me  good  reasons  for 


ISAAC   T.    HOPPER.  225 

resorting  to  it.  In  the  first  place,  thou  didst  not  keep  the 
agreement  made  with  me,  but  sought  to  gain  an  unfair 
advantage.  In  the  next  place,  I  knew  that  man  was  thy 
own  son,  and  I  think  any  person  who  is  so  unfeeling  as  to 
make  traffic  of  his  own  flesh  and  blood  deserves  to  be  tricked 
out  of  the  chance  to  do  it." 

"  What  if  he  is  my  son  ?  "  rejoined  the  Virginian.  "  I've 
as  good  a  right  to  sell  my  own  flesh  and  blood  as  that  of 
any  other  person.  If  I  choose  to  do  it,  it  is  none  of  j'our 
business." 

He  opened  the  door,  and  beckoning  to  his  friend,  who  was 
in  waiting,  he  said,  "  Hopper  admits  this  was  all  a  trick  to 
set  the  slave  free."  Then  turning  to  Friend  Hopper,  he 
added,  "You  admit  it  was  a  trick,  don't  you?  " 

"Thou  and  I  will  talk  that  matter  over  by  ourselves,"  he 
replied.  "  The  presence  of  a  third  person  is  not  always 
convenient." 

The  colonel  went  off  in  a  violent  passion,  and  entering 
the  houses  of  several  colored  families,  in  pursuit  of  his  slave, 
he  did  considerable  damage  to  person  and  property,  for 
which  complaints  were  entered  against  him  in  the  courts. 
Not  finding  the  object  of  his  pursuit,  he  returned  to  Friend 
Hopper,  and  informed  him  that  he  would  give  a  deed  of 
manumission  lor  two  hundred  dollars;  but  his  offer  was 
rejected. 

"Why,  that  was  your  proposal  ["vociferated  the«colonel. 

"  Very  true,"  he  n-i)li('d ;  "  and  I  offered  thee  the  money, 
but  thou  refnsfd  to  tak<'  it." 

After  .storming  a  while,  the  enraged  master  wi;nt  ftjr  legal 
atlvice.  Meanwhile,  several  colored  people  lia*l  entered  a 
complaint  against  him  for  personal  abuse,  and  damagi'  done 
their  furniture.  Acting  under  the  advice  of  his  lawyer,  the 
colonel  proposed  to  manumit  liis  slave  for  one  hiiii<lred  and 
fifty  dollar.4.  The  pri)i>OKal  was  accepted,  and  tlie  money 
promptly  paid  by  the  slave   from    his  own  earnings.     Tho 


226  mirthfuln:ess. 

lawyer  had  encouraged  his  client  to  believe  that  the  suits 
for  assault  and  battery  against  him  would  be  withdrawn, 
and  asked  Friend  Hopper  to  withdraw  them.  The  re- 
ply of  the  latter  was,  "I  hare  no  authority  to  dismiss 
them." 

"  They  will  be  dismissed  if  you  advise  it,"  rejoined  the 
lawyer. 

After  some  further  conversation,  developing  the  opinion 
of  the  Quaker,  that  the  abused  colored  people  ought  to  be 
remunerated  for  what  they  had  suffered,  the  lawyer  asked 
him  what  sum  he  thought  would  influence  those  people  to 
withdraw  the  suits.  Friend  Hopper  said  he  thought  they 
would  do  it  for  one  hundred  and  fifty  dollars.  This  sum 
was  paid,  two-thirds  of  which  was  given  the  slave  to  help 
purchase  his  freedom,  and  the  colonel  returned  to  his  home 
poorer  than  when  he  left  it,  to  the  amount  paid  for  his 
expenses,  and  his  lawyer's  fees. 

A  slave-master,  in  pursuit  of  his  property,  called  upon 
Friend  Hopper  to  inquire  if  he  knew  where  his  slaves  were. 
Mr.  Hopper  coolly  replied,  "  I  believe  they  are  doing  very 
well.  From  what  I  hear,  I  judge  it  will  not  be  necessary 
to  give  thyself  any  further  trouble  on  their  account." 

"  There  is  no  use  in  trying  to  capture  a  runaway  slave  in 
Philadelphia,"  rejoined  the  master.  "I  believe  the  Devil 
himself  could  not  catch  slaves  when  they  get  here." 

"  That^is  very  likely,"  answered  Friend  Hopper  ;  "  but  I 
think  he  would  have  less  difficulty  in  catching  the  masters, 
being  so  much  more  familiar  with  them." 

David  Maps  and  his  wife,  a  very  worthy  couple,  were  the 
only  colored  members  of  the  Yearly  Meeting  to  which  Isaac 
T.  Hopper  belonged.  On  the  occasion  of  the  annual  gath- 
ering in  Philadelphia,  they  came  with  other  members  of  the 
society  to  share  the  hospitality  of  his  house.  A  question 
arose  in  the  family  whether  Friends  of  white  complexion 
would  object  to  eating  with  them.    "  Leave  that  to  me,"  said 


ISAAC   T.    HOPPER.  227 


the  master  of  the  household.    Accordingly,  when  the  time 
arrived,  he  announced  it  thus  :  — 

*'  Friends,  dinner  is  now  ready.  David  Maps  and  his 
■wife  will  come  with  me ;  and  as  I  like  to  have  all  accommo- 
dated, those  who  object  to  dining  with  them  can  wait  till 
they  have  done."  The  guests  smiled,  and  seated  themselves 
at  the  table. 

One  day  Mr.  Hopper  went  to  a  hosiery  store,  and  said  to  the 
man,  "  I  bought  a  pair  of  stockings  here  yesterday.  They 
looked  very  nice  ;  but  when  I  got  home  I  found  two  large 
holes  in  them,  and  I  have  come  for  another  pair."  The  man 
summoned  his  wife,  and  informed  her  what  the  gentleman 
had  said. 

"  Bless  me  !    Is  it  possible,  sir  ?  "  she  exclaimed. 
"  Yes,"  replied  Friend  Hopper,  "  I  found  they  had  holes 
as  large  as  my  hand." 

. "  It  is  very  strange,"  rejoined  she,  "  for  I  am  sure  they 
were  new.  But  if  you  have  brought  them  back,  of  course 
we  will  change  them." 

"  Oh  !  "  said  he,  "  upon  examination,  I  concluded  that  the 
big  holes  were  made  to  put  the  feet  in ;  and  I  liked  the  stock- 
ings so  well,  that  I  have  come  to  buy  another  pair." 

He  could  imitate  the  Irish  brogue  very  perfectly,  and 
it  was  a  standing  jest  with  him  to  make  every  Iri.sh 
stranger  believe  he  was  a  countryman.  During  his  vi.sit  to 
Ireland,  he  had  become  so  well  acquainted  with  various 
localities,  that  he  seldom  if  ever  failed  to  deceive  them  when 
he  said,  "Och!  and  sure  I  am  from  ()1<1  Ireland  me.<»olf." 
After  amusing  himself  in  this  way  for  a  while,  he  would  tell 
them,  **  It  is  true,  I  did  come  from  Ireland  ;  but,  to  confess 
the  truth,  I  went  there  first." 

Once,  wh.-n  lu-  found  two  Iri.shmen  quarrdling.-ho  inquired 
what  was  the  matter. 

<*  He's  got  my  prayer-book,"  exclaimed  one  of  them ; 
♦'and  I'll  give  him  a  bathig  for  it:  by  St.  Patrick,  I  will." 


228  MIRTHFULNESS. 

^'  Let  me  give  tliee  a  piece  of  advice,"  said  Friend  Hop- 
per. "It's  a  very  hot  day,  and  bating  is  warm  work.  I'm 
thinking  thou  hadst  better  put  it  off  till  the  cool  o'  the 
morning."  The  men,  of  course,  became  cooler  before  they 
had  done  listening  to  this  playful  remonstrance. 

On  a  certain  occasion,  he  was  travelling  in  a  stage-coach, 
that  was  stopped  by  a  pile  of  stones,  one  of  which  was  large, 
left  in  the  road  by  a  company  of  Irish  laborers,  who  were 
using  them  in  repairing  the  road.  An  attempt  to  pass 
the  big  stone  was  regarded  dangerous,  and  Friend  Hopper 
jumped  out  and  kindly  asked  the  laborers  to  remove  it  out 
of  the  way. 

"  And,  sure,  ye've  no  business  here  at  all,"  they  replied. 
"Ye  may  jist  go  round  by  the  ould  road." 

"  Och  ! "  said  Friend  Hopper,  "  and  is  this  the  way  I'm 
trated  by  my  countrymen  ?  I'm  from  Ireland  meself ;  and, 
sure,  I  didn't  expect  to  be  trated  so  by  my  countrymen  in 
a  strange  coontry." 

"  And  are  you  from  ould  Ireland  ?  "  inquired  they. 

"  Indade  I  am,"  he  replied. 

"  And  what  part  may  ye  be  from  ?  "  said  they. 

His  answer  satisfied  them  that  he  was  a  son  of  the  Green 
Isle,  and  they  cheerfully  removed  the  stone,  and  the  stage 
passed  on.  When  the  passengers  learned  that  he  was  not 
an  Irishman,  they  had  a  hearty  laugh  over  his  power  of 
mimicry,  and  rejoiced  in  the  benefit  the  exercise  of  those 
powers  had  conferred  on  them.  The  character  of  his  wife 
was  extremely  modest  and  reserved ;  and  he  took  mis- 
chievous pleasure  in  telling  strangers  the  story  of  their 
courtship,  in  a  way  that  made  her  blush. 

"  Dost  thou  know  what  Sarah  answered,  when  I  asked  if 
she  would  marry  me  ?  "  said  he.  "  I  will  tell  thee  how  it 
was.  I  was  walking  home  with  her  one  evening,  soon  after 
the  death  of  her  mother,  and  I  mentioned  to  her,  that,  as 
she  was  alone  now,  I  supposed  she  intended  to  make  some 


ISAAC  T.   HOPPER.  229 

change  in  her  mode  of  living.  When  she  said  yes,  I  told 
her  I  had  been  thinking  it  would  be  very  pleasant  to  have 
her  come  and  live  with  me.  *  That  would  suit  me  exactly/ 
said  she.  This  prompt  reply  made  me  suppose  she  might 
not  have  understood  my  meaning,  and  I  explained  that  I 
wanted  to  have  her  become  a  member  of  my  family ;  but 
she  replied  again,  '  There  is  nothing  I  should  like  bet- 
ter.' " 

The  real  fact  was,  the  quiet  and  timid  Sarah  was  not 
dreaming  of  a  proposal  of  marriage.  She  supposed  he  spoke 
of  receiving  her  as  a  boarder  in  his  family. 

A  rash,  dashing,  antislavery  agent  wrote  him  a  business- 
letter,  to  which  the  following  postscript  was  appended :  — 

"  Give  the  hands  at  your  office  a  tremendous  blowing-up. 
They  need  it." 

Friend  Hopper  briefly  replied, — 

"  According  to  thy  orders,  I  have  given  the  hands  at  our 
office  a  tren>endous  blowing-up.  They  want  to  know  what 
it  is  for.     Please  inform  me  by  return  mail." 

These  extracts  will  give  the  reader  some  idea  of  this  re- 
markable man.  lie  enjoyed  a  vigorous  old  age,  and  died 
at  the  close  of  a  laborious  life.  To  his  love  of  fun,  and  s^'s- 
tematic  exercise  of  mirthfulness,  he  was,  doubtless,  largely 
indebted  for  the  health  lie  enjoyed,  for  the  vigor  he  pos- 
sessed through  all  the  stages  of  liis  long  life,  for  his  ability 
to  labor,  and  for  the  large  amount  of  h;i]>i)in('ss  he  jxissessed 
an<l  imparted  to  others.  He  had  a  rich  vein  of  wit  and 
humor,  which  made  liim  attractive  and  useful.  lie  wore  a 
clieerful,  smiling  countenance,  and  bore  a  merry  heart, 
which  afforded  him  a  continual  feast,  at  which  liis  associ- 
ates, and  even  strangers,  were  often  entertained.  The  case 
of  Friend  Ilopjier  ufTords  an  illustrious  proof  of  the  profita- 
bleness of  the  appropriatf!  exercise  of  the  mental  faculty  wo 
are  considering;  a  fa<ulty  which  wa.s  de.signetl  by  our 
Creator  to  promote  human  happiness,  and  to  iuld  to  the  use- 


230  MIRTHFULNESS. 

fulness  of  the  race.  Had  this  trait  in  Friend  Hopper's 
character  been  less  prominent,  he  would  have  been  less 
happy  and  less  useful. 


MEECA]!^TILE  AINECDOTES. 

A  POMPOUS,  well-dressed  person  entered  a  bank  one 
day,  and  addressing  the  teller,  who  was  something  of  a 
wag,  inquired,  "  Is  the  cashier  in  ?  " 

"  No,  sir,"  was  the  reply. 

"Well,  I  am  dealing  in  pens,  supplying  the  New-Eng- 
land banks  pretty  largely,  and  I  suppose  it  will  be  proper 
for  me  to  deal  with  the  cashier." 

"  I  suppose  it  will,"  said  the  teller. 

"  Very  well :  I  will  wait." 

After  sitting  in  a  chair,  with  which  the  teller  politely 
furnished  him,  for  an  hour  and  a  half,  the  pen-peddler 
asked,  ''How  soon  do  you  think  the  cashier  will  be  in  ?  " 

"  Well,  I  don't  know  exactly,"  said  the  waggish  teller ; 
"  but  I  expect  him  in  about  eight  weeks.  He  has  gone  to 
Lake  Superior,  and  told  me  he  thought  he  should  be  back 
in  that  time." 

Peddler  concluded  not  to  wait. 


When  making  his  Northern  tour.  President  Jackson 
visited  the  town  of  Pawtucket,  the  home  of  Mr.  Slater,  who 
introduced  water-power  machinery  into  our  country.  The 
President  and  attendants  called  upon  Mr.  Slater,  after  they 
had  visited  the  manufacturing  establishments  in  the  place, 
he  being  confined  to  his  home  by  rheumatism.  The  Presi- 
dent addressed  Mr.  Slater  as  the  father  of  American  manu- 
factures, as  the  man  who  had  erected  the  first  valuable 
machinery,  and  who  spun  yarn  to  make  the  first  cotton  cloth 
in  America,  in  the  first  cotton-mill  this  side  of  the  ocean, 


MERCANTILE  AJS'ECDOTES.  231 

w'liicb  was  erected  by  himself.  In  bis  addi-ess,  tbe  Presi- 
di-nt  said,  "  I  uudcrstaud  you  taught  us  how  to  spin,  so  aa 
to  rival  Great  Britain  in  her  manufactories  ;  you  set  all  of 
these  thousands  of  spindles  at  work,  which  I  have  been  de- 
lighted in  viewing,  and  which  have  made  so  many  happy 
by  a  lucrative  employment." 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  Mr.  Slater ;  "  I  suppose  that  I  gave  out 
the  psalm,  and  they  have  been  singing  to  the  tune  ever  since." 

*•  We  are  glad  to  hear,  also,  that  you  have  realized  some- 
thing for  yourself  and  family,"  said  the  Vice-President. 

"  So  am  I  glad  to  know  it,"  said  Mr.  Slater ;  "  for  I 
should  not  like  to  be  a  pauper  in  this  country,  where  pau- 
pers are  put  up  at  auction  to  the  lowest  bidder." 


In  an  interior  town  in  old  Connecticut,  a  merchant  by 
the  name  of  Bond  had  a  shaky  customer,  Ben  Hogden, 
who  had  run  up  quite  a  bill,  which  he  could  not  collect. 
One  day,  Ben  made  his  appearance  with  a  bag  and  wheel- 
barrow, and  said,  "  Mr.  Bond,  I  want  to  buy  two  bushels 
of  corn,  and  /  ivant  to  pay  casJc  for  it." 

"  All  right,"  said  Mr.  Bond,  and  went  with  him  to  the 
back  store  and  measured  the  corn,  which  was  borne  to  the 
wheelbarrow  by  the  purchaser,  who  started  with  it  for  his 
home,  and  had  got  some  distance  from  the  store,  when  Mr. 
Bond  discovered  him  moving  rapidly,  and  irit-d  lustily, 
"  IIall<j<),  halloo,  Ben  !  you  said  you  wanted  to  pay  cash  for 
that  corn." 

Old  ]5en  d<'lil>erat«'ly  sat  down  on  one  hiuidle  vi  his 
barrow,  and,  cocking  liis  head  on  one  side,  said,  — 

"That's  all  true,  Mr.  Bond:  I  do  want  to  pay  you  the 
cash  for  the  corn,  but  I  cari't." 


Just  before  the  Declaration  of  Indei)endcnce,  a  Yankee 
peddlor  starti-d  down  to  New  York  to  si-ll  a  panel  of  liowla 
and  dishes  he  had  made  of  mapk*.      Finding  n<.  ni:iik«t  for 


232  MIKTHFULNESS. 

his  wares,  he  obtained  a  naval  uniform,  and  called  upon  a 
merchant,  one  morning,  in  this  garb,  and  asked  him  if  he 
had  any  nice  wooden-ware ;  adding,  that  the  commodore 
wanted  a  lot  for  his  fleet.  The  merchant  replied  that  he 
had  none  on  hand,  but  he  could  get  him  some  in  the  after- 
noon. "  Very  good,"  said  our  naval  officer,  and  immedi- 
ately went  to  his  stopping-place  and  changed  his  apparel, 
and  waited  a  call  from  the  merchant,  who  soon  appeared, 
and  offered  to  take  his  entire  lot,  if  he  would  deduct  fifteen 
per  cent ;  but  Jonathan  declared  "  he'd  take  'em  home 
before  he'd  discount  a  cent."  Finding  him  fixed  in  his 
price,  the  merchant  paid  it,  and  took  the  ware  to  his  store, 
where  it  remained  through  the  Eevolution,  as  the  British 
officer  did  not  caU  for  it  according  to  agreement. 


An  honest  old  farmer  received  his  grocery-biU,  which 
contained  charges  like  the  following :  — 

"  To  one  lb.  tea.  —  To  one  lb.  ditto,"  &c. 

"  Wife,"  said  he,  "  this  'ere's  a  putty  business :  I  should 
like  to  know  what  you  have  done  with  so  much  of  this  'ere 
ditto." 

"  Ditto,  ditto,"  replied  the  old  lady  ;  "  never  had  a  single 
pound  of  it  in  all  my  life  !  " 

Confident  that  he  had  been  charged  for  an  article  he  had 
never  received,  he  went  to  the  grocer  in  high  dudgeon,  and 
said, — 

"  Mr.  B.,  sha'n't  stand  this :  wife  says  she  ha'n't  had  a 
pound  of  this  pesky  ditto." 

The  grocer  explained,  and  his  customer  returned  home 
satisfied.  His  wife  inquired  if  he  had  found  out  the  mean- 
ing of  that  "  ditto." 

"  Yes,"  said  he ;  ''as  near  as  I  can  get  the  hang  on't,  it 
means  that  I  am  an  old  fool,  and  you're  ditto." 


A  mule-dealer  in  Kentucky  held  a  note,  payable  in  four 


MERCANTILE  ANECDOTES.  233 

mon'.bs,  against  a  man  iu  a  Jistatit  part  of  the  State,  to 
whom  he  hud  sold  stock.  At  the  close  of  two  months  he 
received  half  of  the  money,  with  the  statement  that  the 
balance  would  be  paid  at  maturity.  Not  being  able  to  find 
"  Maturity  "  on  the  map,  he  called  at  the  store  in  his  village, 
and  said  to  the  company  collected  there,  ''  Can  any  of  you 
tell  me  where  Maturity  is  ?  I  have  a  note  payable  there, 
and  I  can't  find  it  on  the  map." 


A  sign-painter,  being  employed  to  letter  the  front  of  a 
large  clothing-establishment,  finished  one  line  across  the 
whole  front,  thus  :  "  Dealer  ix  all  sorts  of  ladies'  "  — 
and,  finding  his  ladder  too  long  to  paint  the  next  line,  wont 
to  his  house  for  a  shorter  one  ;  and,  unfortunately,  spraining 
his  ankle,  he  did  not  return  to  finish  his  work  uiitil  the 
afternoon  of  the  next  day,  when  he  added,  "  and   gentle- 


men's READY-MADE  CLOTHING." 


Funny  Advertisements.  Talen  from  an  adveHising 
column.  —  "  An  airy  bed-room  for  a  gentleman  tweuty-two 
feet  long  by  fourteen  feet  wide."  "  A  house  for  a  fumil}'  in 
good  repair."  "  A  deliglitful  gentleman's  residence."  "  Red 
children's  stockings  for  sale  here."  "A  large  Spanisli  blue 
gentleman's  cloak  lost  near  the  market."  "  Green,  black, 
and  white  ladies'  veils  for  sale  hero." 


Pleasantries  of  Keese  the  Book  Auctioneer. — 
.Mr.  Keese  commenced  his  business,  in  which  he  Wiis  very 
Huccessful,  in  184o,  by  giving  an  entertainment  of^oysters 
and  cltampagnc.  Near  the  close  of  this  entertainment, 
\u-  addrcshfd  liis  guests  tlius:  "  Gentlemen,  wo  are  scat- 
ti'fing  our  brea<l  upon  the  waters,  and  we  expect  to  find  it 
uft<r  many  <lavs  —  Imttrred  !  " 

Tin;  following  will  jjivc  tin;  n-iultT  home  notion  of  ins 
plea-santries.  "  Is  that  binding  calf'.'"'  asked  u  suHpicious 
customer. 


234  MIETHFULNESS. 

"  Come  up,  my  good  sir  ;  put  your  hand  on  it,  and  see  if 
there  is  any  fellow-feeling,"  was  the  ready  reply. 

A  copy  of  "  Watts's  Hymns  "  was  knocked  down  to  a  man 
■who  asked  for  the  immediate  delivery  of  the  book.  "  Give 
it  to  the  gentleman,"  said  Keese :  "  he  wishes  to  learn  and 
sing  a  hymn  before  retiring." 

As  he  knocked  down  another  copy  to  another  man,  he 

said,  — 

"  Blest  is  the  man  who  shuns  the  place 
Where  other  auctions  be, 
And  has  his  money  in  his  fist, 
And  buys  his  books  of  me." 

Offering  one  of  Dr.  Hawks's  books,  he  added,  in  an  ex- 
planatory way,  "  A  bird  of  prey." 

When  offered  a  shilling  for  "Caroline  Fry,^^  he  said, 
"  That  isn't  the  price  of  a  steioP 

Selling  a  book  labelled  "  History  of  the  Tatars,"  he  was 
asked,  "  Isn't  that  Tartars  ?  " 

"  No,"  he  replied :  "  their  wives  were  Tartars." 

"  This,"  said  he,  holding  up  a  well-known  volume,  "  is 
a  book,  by  a  poor  and  pious  girl,  of  poor  and  pious 
poems." 

Some  female  bidders,  one  day,  became  excited  to  an  emu- 
lous contention  for  a  sauce-pan  which  they  all  wanted. 
Keese  gave  them  a  fair  chance,  with  a  final  appeal,  "  Going, 
going,  —  '  the  woman  who  deliberates  is  lost,'  —  gone  !  " 


Deacon  Johnson,  being  in  the  shoe-business,  and  haviifg 
an  opportunity  to  buy  a  much  larger  lot  of  leather  than  he 
needed,  at  a  reduced  price,  the  seller  being  compelled  to 
raise  money  on  it,  purchased  the  whole  lot.  Soon  after, 
there  was  a  great  fall  in  the  price  of  leather,  and  the  dea- 
con could  not  sell  his  stock.  One  night  his  wife  woke  him 
out  of  a  sound  sleep,  telling  him  she  believed  that  thieves 
were  stealing  his   leather.     When   sufficiently  aroused  to 


MERCANTILE  ANECDOTES.         235 

understand  her,  he  said,  "  Well,  if  it  falls  on  their  hands  as 
it  has  on  mine,  they'll  wish  they  had  let  it  alone." 


Monkeys  are  scarce  in  ]Michigan.  A  saddler  kept  one  for 
a  pet,  which  usually  sat  on  the  counter.  A  countryman, 
who  had  never  seen  a  monke}',  came  in  one  day,  when  the 
proprietor  was  in  the  back  room,  and  asked  the  pet  what 
he  would  take  for  a  saddle  at  which  he  pointed.  Monkey 
said  nothing.  Customer  took  a  twenty-dollar  bill  from  his 
pocket,  and  said,  "  I  will  give  you  that  for  the  saddle." 
I^Ionkey  put  the  money  into  the  drawer,  and  the  man  took 
the  saddle,  when  the  pet  mounted  him,  pulled  his  hair, 
scratched  his  face,  and  so  frightened  him  as  to  cause  him  to 
cry  for  help.  The  proprietor  rushed  in,  and  asked,  "What's 
the  fuss  ?  "  —  "  Fuss,""  said  the  customer,  "  fuss  ?  I  bought 
a  saddle  of  your  son  sitting  there,  and  when  I  went  to  take 
it  he  wouldn't  let  me  have  it."  The  saddler  apologized  for 
the  monkey,  but  assured  him  that  he  was  no  relation. 


Speaking  of  wharfingers,  a  gentleman  said,  "They  are  a 
Bet  of  knaves;  I  was  one  myself  for  Uii  years." 


Sheridan,  —  a  scholar,  wit,  and  spendthrift,  —  being 
dunned  by  a  tailor  to  pay  at  least  the  interest  on  his  bill, 
answered,  "  that  it  was  not  his  interest  to  pay  the  principal, 
nor  his  principle  to  pay  the  interest." 


POETICAL  PLEAS ANFRIES.    • 

RusTlCUS  wrote  to  a  lady —  !Miss  Kid, 

And  filled  Ilia  letter  full  of  love  and  keen  desire; 

lie  lioped  to  raino  a  flame,  and  ho  he  did. 

For  the  youthful  lady  put  his  non«en.se  in  the  fire. 


236  MIRTHFULNESS. 

ON   AN"   ILL-READ    LAWYER. 

An  idle  attorney  besought  a  brother 

For  "  something  to  read,  some  novel  or  other, 

That  was  really  fresh  and  new." 
"  Take  Chitty,"  replied  his  legal  friend : 
"  There  isn't  a  book  that  I  could  lend 

Would  prove  more  novel  to  youP 


FAMILY   QUARRELS. 

"  A  fool,"  said  Janette,  "  is  a  creature  I  hate." 
"  But  hating,"  quoth  John,  ''  is  immoral : 

Besides,  my  dear  girl,  it's  a  terrible  fate 
To  be  found  in  a  family  quarrel." 


AN   ESSAY    ON   THE    UNDERSTANDING. 

"  Harry,  I  cannot  think,"  says  Dick, 
"  What  makes  my  ankles  grow  so  thick." 
"  You  do  not  recollect,"  says  Harry, 
"  How  great  a  calf  they  have  to  carry." 


TO    A   LIVING   AUTHOR. 

Your  comedy  I've  read,  my  friend, 
And  like  the  half  you  ]?ilfered  best ; 

But  sure  the  piece  you  yet  may  mend : 
Take  coiirarje,  inan,  and  steal  the  rest. 


A  mechanic  his  labor  will  often  discard, 
If  the  rate  of  his  pay  he  dislikes ; 

But  a  clock  —  and  its  case  is  uncommonly  hard  ■ 
Will  continue  to  work,  though  it  strikes. 


TO    A   BLOCKHEAD. 

You  beat  your  pate,  and  fancy  wit  will  come ; 
Knock  as  you  please,  there's  nobody  at  home. 


POETICAL  PLEASANTRIES.  237 

BLACK   AND    WHITE. 

The  Tories  vow  the  Whigs  are  black  as  night, 
And  boast  that  only  they  are  blessed  with  light ; 
Peel's  politics  to  both  sides  so  incline, 
His  may  be  called  the  equinoctial  line. 


DOMESTIC    ECOKOMT. 

Said  Stiggins  to  his  wife  one  day, 

"  We've  nothing  left  to  eat ; 
If  things  go  on  in  this  queer  way, 

We  s/ta'u't  make  both  ou/s  meet." 
The  dame  replied  in  words  discreet 

"  We're  not  so  badly  fed, 
If  we  can  make  but  o?ie  end  meat, 

And  make  the  other  bread." 


TO    A    RICU    WIDOW. 

I  will  not  ask  if  thou  canst  touch 

The  tuneful  ivory  key ; 
Those  silent  note.<i  of  thine  are  such 

As  quite  suffice  for  me. 
I'll  make  no  question  of  thy  .skill. 

The  pencil  comprehends ; 
Enough  for  me,  love,  if  thou  still 

Canst  draia  the  dividends. 


Which  is  of  greater  value,  pry  thee,  say, 

The  bride  or  bridegroom  V    Must  the  truth  bo  told  ' 

Alaa !  it  must.     Tlie  bride  is  given  away,       * 
The  bridegroom  often  regularly  soKL 


nAn    I'OKTS. 

SwauH  Hing  before  they  die :  'twere  no  bad  tiling 
I>id  certain  jjersons  die  before  thru  sinrj. 


238  MIETHFULNESS. 

THE   LAW. 

All  those  that  do  but  rob  and  steal  enough 
Are  punishment  and  court  of  justice  proof, 
And  need  not  fear,  nor  be  concerned  a  straw 
In  all  the  idle  bugbears  of  the  law, 
But  confidently  rob  the  gallows  too, 
As  well  as  other  sufferers,  of  their  due. 


THE   FOOL   AND    THE   POET. 

Sir,  I  admit  your  general  rule. 

That  every  poet  is  a  fool ; 
But  you  yourself  may  serve  to  show  it, 

That  every  fool  is  not  a  poet. 


The  Prince  of  Wales  entered  a  hotel  one  day,  and  com- 
plained of  cold  ;  but,  after  drinking  three  glasses  of  brandy, 
said  he  felt  better. 

The  Prince  came  in,  and  said  'twas  cold. 

Then  put  to  his  head  the  rummer ; 
Till  swallow  after  swallow  came  : 
Then  he  pronounced  it  summer. 


TO    MISS 


With  woman's  form  and  woman's  tricks 
So  much  of  man  you  seem  to  mix. 

One  knows  not  where  to  take  you : 
I  pray  you,  if  'tis  not  too  far. 
Go  ask  of  Nature  which  you  are. 

Or  what  she  meant  to  make  you. 
Yet  stay ;  you  need  not  take  the  pains. 
With  neither  beauty,  youth,  nor  brains, 

For  man  or  maid's  desiring : 
Pert  as  female,  fool  as  male. 
As  boy  too  green,  as  girl  too  stale, 

The  thing's  not  worth  inquiring. 


POETICAL  PLEASANTRIES.  239 

MY    WIFE    AND    I. 

As  my  wife  and  I,  at  the  window  one  day, 

Stood  watching  a  man  with  a  monkey, 
A  cart  came  by  with  a  "  broth  of  a  boy," 

Who  was  driving  a  stout  little  donkey. 
To  my  wife  I  there  spoke,  by  the  way  of  a  joke, 

''There's  a  relation  of  yours  in  that  carriage." 
To  which  she  replied,  as  the  donkey  she  spied, 

"  Ah,  yes  !  a  relation  —  by  marriage!  " 


LOVE    ON    THE    OCEAN. 

They  met-:  'twas  in  a  storm. 

On  the  deck  of  a  steamer  : 
She  spoke  in  language  warm. 

Like  a  sentimental  dreamer. 
He  spoke,  —  at  least  he  tried ; 

His  position  he  altered  ; 
Then  turned  his  face  aside. 

And  his  deep-toned  voice  faltered. 
She  gazed  upon  the  wave. 

Sublime  she  declared  it ; 
But  no  reply  he  gave,  — 

He  could  not  have  dared  it. 
A  breeze  came  from  the  south. 

Across  the  billows  sweeping; 
His  heart  was  in  his  mouth. 

And  out  he  tliought  'twas  leaping. 
"  Oh,  then,  steward  !  "  he  cried. 

With  tlie  deepest  emotion  ; 
Then  tottered  to  the  side, 

And  leaned  o'er  the  ocean. 
Tho  world  may  think  liim  cold, 

Jiut  they'll  panloii  him  with  fpiickness, 
When  the;  f:wt  th.-y  hliall  !.••  t.-l.l, — 

That  ho  Hutfered  from  Buu-bicknesa. 


240  MIRTHFULNESS. 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES. 

In"  this  class  will  be  found  pleasantries  of  varied  merit, 
some  of  which  are  as  rich  as  any  contained  in  the  book. 
Some  of  them,  had  they  been  obtained  in  season,  would 
have  been  arranged  in  classes  to  which  they  properly  belong. 
Perhaps  they  will  contribute  quite  as  much  to  the  enjoy- 
ment of  the  reader  by  being  thus  mixed,  as  they  would  if 
they  had  been  arranged  in  their  appropriate  classes. 


An  aged  clergyman  in  New  Hampshire,  living  with  his 
second  wife,  was  asked  how  old  he  was,  and  he  replied,  "  I 
am  just  ten  years  older  than  my  wife."  To  the  question, 
"How  old  is  your  wife?"  he  answered,  "As  she  has 
some  prospect  of  being  left  a  widow,  I  think  she  would  not 
like  to  have  me  tell  her  age." 


Queen  Anne  paid  great  regard  to  her  chaplains,  and  al- 
ways listened  with  attention  to  their  religious  services. 
When  confined  to  her  room  with  sickness,  a  clergyman 
called  to  read  prayers  in  her  behalf;  and  her  ladies  in  at- 
tendance suggested  that  the  service  should  be  read  in  an-  ;  , 
other  room.  To  this  suggestion  the  clergyman  strongly  f 
objected,  saying,  "  I  did  not  come  here  to  whistle  the 
prayers  of  the  church  through  a  key-hole." 


"  I  live  in  Julia's  eyes,"  said  an  affected  dandy.  "  Do 
you  ?  "  said  the  person  addressed.  "  Well,  that  accounts 
for  her  having  sties." 

An  officer  in  battle,  happening  to  bow  when  a  cannon- 
ball  passed  over  his  head  and  took  off  that  of  a  soldier 
who  stood  immediately  behind  him,  remarked  to  those  near 
him,  "  You  see,  gentlemen,  that  a  man  never  loses  by 
politeness." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  241 

A  drunken  passenger,  making  disturbance  in  the  ladies' 
cabin,  while  travelling  on  a  steamboat,  the  captain,  who 
was  an  exceedingly  fat  man,  was  called  to  take  care  of  him. 
The  captain  thus  addressed  the  inebriate :  "  You  must  do 
one  of  two  things  :  you  must  behave  yourself  with  propriety, 
or  leave  the  boat  at  the  next  stopping-place."  The  drunken 
passenger  replied,  "  One  of  three  things  you  must  do:  eat 
less,  physic  more,  or  bust  /  " 


TVTiile  a  Pennsylvania  Dutchman  was  absent  from  his 
native  State,  that  State  changed  its  politics.  "Wlien  he  re- 
turned, and  was  told  of  this  change,  he  was  very  much  ex- 
cited. He  said,  "  I'm  ashamt  ov  my  State.  I'm  ashamt 
that  I  was  born  in  her ;  and  my  only  excuse  for  it  is,  I  was 
80  perry  young  I  didn't  know  any  petter." 


A  gentleman,  speaking  of  the  death  of  his  wife,  remarked, 
he  thought  it  very  strange  that  she  died,  for  she  had  fifteen 
doctors,  and  took  all  the  medicine  they  prescribed. 


A  number  of  years  ago,  when  there  was  very  strong 
prejudice  against  Yankee  peddlers  in  the  West,  and  espe- 
cially against  those  who  sold  wooden  clocks,  one  of  these 
travelling  merchants  overtook  a  young  white  woman  lead- 
ing a  mulatto  child,  and,  bringing  his  horses  to  a  walk,  en- 
tered into  conversation  with  her.  He  asked  her  if  that  was 
her  child,  and  she  told  him  it  was.  He  asked  her  if  she  was 
married  to  a  bla<-k  man,  and  she  replied  in  the  affirmative. 

"  I)i<l  not  your  parents  regard  themselves  disgraced  by 
your  marriage?"  said  he. 

"  Yes  I  "  she  replied;  "but  not  half  as  much  as  they  did 
by  the  marriage  of  my  sister." 

"Whom  did  she  marrj'?"  he  asked. 

"A  dork-pedU/^r,^*  was  hor  n-ply.     The  whip  was  applied 
to  the  horses,  and  they  quickfued  their  pace. 
16 


242        •  MIRTHFULNESS. 

A  witty  student  was  arraigned  before  the  faculty  of  a  col- 
lege, charged  with  belonging  to  a  card-playing  club,  when 
the  following  dialogue  passed  between  the  parties  :  — 

"  Chapin,  have  you  been  engaged  in  playing  cards  ?  " 

«  Yes,  sir." 

"  Was  there  any  thing  bet  ?  " 

«  Yes,  sir." 

"  What  ?  " 

"  A  hogshead  of  negroes." 


Sir  Walter  Scott's  faithful'servant,  Tom,  said  to  him  one 
day,  "  Them  are  fine  novels  of  yours  ;  they  are  invaluable 
to  me.  When  I  come  home  very  tired,  and  take  up  one 
of  them,  I'm  asleep  directly." 


A  schoolmistress  asked  a  dull  pupil  to  tell  her  what  word 
S  double  E  spelt ;  and  he  could  not. 

"  Dunce  ! "  said  the  impatient  teacher  :  "  what  do  I  do 
with  my  eyes  ?  " 

"  Squint,"  was  the  boy's  reply. 


An  elderly  gentleman,  accustomed  to  "  indulge,"  to  his 
injury,  entered  a  tavern  one  day,  where  a  grave  Friend 
was  sitting,  warming  himself  Lifting  a  pair  of  green 
spectacles  from  his  forehead,  rubbing  his  inflamed  eyes,  and 
calling  for  hot  brandy-sling,  he  complained  to  the  Friend 
that  his  eyes  were  getting  weaker,  and  that  even  spectacles 
(lid  not  seem  to  do  them  any  good.  "  I'll  tell  thee,  friend," 
said  the  Quaker,  "  what  I  think.  If  thee  were  to  wear 
thy  spectacles  over  thy  mouth  for  a  few  months,  thy  eyes 
would  get  well  again." 


A  country  chap  told  the  hotel  waiter,  who  handed  him 
the  bill  of  fare,  that  he  would  defer  reading  until  after 
dinner. 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  243 

Josh  Billings  says,  that,  if  a  man  proposes  to  serve  the 
Lonl,  he  likes  to  see  him  do  it  when  he  measures  corn,  as 
well  as  when  he  hollers  Glory  Hallaluyer. 


Dr.  South,  when  preaching  before  Charles  II.,  observed 
that  the  monarch  and  his  attendants  began  to  nod ;  and 
some  of  them  soon  after  snored.  On  this  he  broke  off  his 
sermon,  and  said,  "  Lord  Lauderdale,  let  me  entreat  you  to 
rouse  yourself;  you  snore  so  loud,  that  you  will  awake  tlio 
king." 


When  George  the  Second  proposed  giving  the  command 
of  the  expedition  against  Quebec  to  Gen.  Wolfe,  great 
objections  were  made  by  his  ministry.  The  Duke  of  New- 
castle said  Wolfe  was  mad.  "  Mad,  is  he  ?  "  said  the  king  : 
"  well,  if  he  is,  I  wish  his  madness  was  epidemic,  and  that 
every  officer  in  my  army  was  seized  with  it." 


When  the  regulations  of  the  West-Boston  Bridge  Proprie- 
tors were  drawn  up  by  two  famous  lawyers,  one  section  read 
thus  :  "  And  the  said  proprietors  shall  meet  annually  on  the 
first  Tuesday  in  June,  provided  it  does  not  fall  on  Sunday." 


A  person,  looking  over  the  catalogue  of  the  members  of 
the  bar,  wrote  with  his  pencil  against  the  name  of  one  who 
was  rather  a  bustling  character,  "Has  been  accused  of  jtos- 
sessing  talents."  Another,  seeing  the  accusation,  wrote 
un<ler  it,  "  Has  been  tried  and  acquitted." 


A  clan  of  Indians  in  Connecticut,  finding  nne  of  tlnir 
number  dead,  on  a  winter  morning,  near  u  tavern,  unani- 
mously agn-ed  that  "  the  death  of  the  doreaHed  wiu«  oecu- 
sioned  by  the  freezing  of  a  large  (punlity  of  water  in  bin 
stomach,  vvhich  hu<l  been  imprudently  mixed  with  the  r'liii 
be  drank." 


244  MIRTHFULNESS. 

An  unmarried  man,  being  told  tliat  bachelors  ought  to 
be  taxed  by  the  government  for  their  celibacy,  said  they 
could  well  afford  to  pay  a  tax  for  so  great  a  luxury. 


The  reason  why  a  briefless  barrister  should  not  be  spoken 
against  is,  it  is  wrong  to  speak  against  a  man  without  a  cause. 


"  Taking  them  one  with  another,"  said  the  Rev.  S 

S ,  "  I  believe  my  congregation  to  be  the  most  exemplary 

observers  of  the  religious  ordinances  ;  for  the  poor  keep  all 
the  fasts,  and  the  rich  all  the  feasts." 


A  young  lady  asked  a  gentleman  the  meaning  of  the 
word  surrogate.  "  It  is,  miss,"  replied  the  gentleman,  "  a 
gate  through  which  parties  have  to  pass  on  their  way  to 
get  married." 

"  Then  I  imagine,"  said  the  lady,  "  that  it  is  a  corruption 
of  sorrow  goMP 

"  You  are  right,  miss,"  replied  the  gentleman  ;  "  as  wo- 
man is  an  abbreviation  oiwo  to  many 


A  saucy  young  fellow,  sitting  at  table  opposite  the  learned 
John  Scot,  asked  him  what  difference  there  was  between^ 
Scot  and  Sot.     ''Just  the  width  of  this  table"  answered 
the  other. 


Susan  Nipper,  learning  that  a  celebrated  sculptor  was  at 
work  on  a  bust,  exclaimed  that  she  couldn't  understand  how 
a  man  could  do  any  work  while  on  a  bust. 


A  celebrated  judge,  whose  form  was  much  bowed,  when 
walking  one  day,  had  a  stone  thrown  at  him,  which  passed 
over  his  head  without  Jhitting  him.  Turning  to  his  friend, 
he  remarked,  "  Had  I  been  an  upright  judge,  that  stone 
might  have  caused  my  death." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  245 

John  Bunyan,  while  in  Bedford  jail,  was  called  upon 
by  a  Quaker  desirous  of  making  a  couvert  of  him.  "  Friend 
John,  I  have  come  to  thee  with  a  message  from  the  Lord ; 
and,  after  having  searched  for  thee  in  all  the  prisons  in 
England,  I  am  glad  I  have  found  thee  out  at  last." 

"If  the  Lord  had  sent  you,"  returned  Bunyan,  "you 
need  not  have  taken  so  much  pains  to  find  me  out ;  for  the 
Lord  knows  I  have  been  here  twelve  years." 


"  Pete,"  said  his  mother,  "  are  you  into  them  sweetmeats 
again  ?  "  —  "  No,  mem.     Them  sweetmeats  is  into  me." 


"Who  made  you?"  said  a  lady  teacher  in  a  Sabbath 
school  to  a  big,  ignorant,  awkward  boy. 

"  I'd  o  know  !  "  said  he. 

"  Don't  know  ! "  said  the  lady.  "  You  ought  to  be 
ashamed  of  yourself.  My  little  boy,  three  years  old,  can 
answer  that  question." 

"The  reason  is,"  replied  the  boy,  "'cause  it  ain't  but 
little  time  since  he  was  made." 


A  man  called  to  see  a  sick  neighbor,  who,  he  was  told, 
had  lost  his  reason.  Soon  after  he  entered  the  sick  man's 
room,  the  latter  roused  up,  and  asked  who  had  called  to  see 
him.  Being  informed,  he  whispered,  "Make  him  some  hot 
toddy."  —  "Surely,"  said  the   neighbor,   "he   has  his  rea- 


son." 


An  uniniirried  female,  between  forty  and  fifty  years  old, 
hearing  of  the  marriage  of  a  lady  acquaintance,  observed 
with  a  sigh,  "  Well,  I  suppose  it's  what  we  all  must  come  to." 

Dr.  Franklin's  mother-in-law  thought  a  third  printer 
could  not  obtain  a  living;  ami  therefore  she  feared  her 
daughter  would  not  be  supported. 


246  MIRTHFULNESS. 

Two  ladies,  encountering  Dr.  Johnson  soon  after  the  pub- 
lication of  his  "  Dictionary,"  complimented  him  for  having 
omitted  gross,  indelicate,  and  objectionable  words. 

"  What,  my  dears  ! "  said  the  doctor,  "  have  you  been 
searching  for  them  ?  " 


A  lawyer,  having  made  two  or  three  mistakes  while  con- 
ducting a  cause,  petulantly  exclaimed,  -^ 

'•'  I  seem  to  be  inoculated  with  dulness  to-day." 
"  Inoculated,  brother ! "  said  Erskine  :    "  I  thought  you 
had  it  in  the  natural  way." 


A  radical,  inveighing  against  the  rapacity  of  the  clergy, 
gave  it  as  his  opinion,  if  they  could  have  their  own  way, 
they  would  raise  the  tithes  from  a  tenth  to  a  twentieth. 


William  Pitt  presided  at  a  public  meeting  held  in  Do- 
ver, during  the  war,  for  the  purpose  of  raising  a  volunteer 
corps,  when  the  secretary,  in  drawing  up  the  conditions  on 
wliich  they  were  to  be  embodied,  said  to  the  chairman,  ''I 
suppose,  sir,  that  I  am  to  insert  the  usual  clause,  not  to 
serve  out  of  the  country  ?  "  —  "  Certainly,  certainly,"  said 
Pitt,  smiling;  "except  in  case  of  an  invasion. 


A  sportsman,  who,  during  the  shooting-season,  had  gone 
to  pass  a  week  with  his  friend  in  the  country,  on  a  general 
invitation,  soon  found,  by  a  gentle  hint,  that  he  would  have 
done  better  to  have  waited  for  a  special  one. 

"  I  saw  some  beautiful  scenery,"  was  the  visitor's  first  re- 
mark, "as  I  came  to-day  by  the  upper  road." 

"  You  will  see  some  still  more  beautiful,"  was  the  reply, 
"'  as  you  go  back  to-morrow  by  the  lower  one." 


A  Yankee,  with  his  wife  and  horse,  was  making  a  brother 
a  long  visit;  late  one  winter,  when  hay  was  high  and  scarce. 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  247 

His  brother  came  into  the  house,  one  day,  crying  •  and 
in  reply  to  his  question  respecting  the  cause  of  his  grief, 
said,  — 

"  I'm  afraid  you  will  never  come  to  see  me  again." 
"  Why,  brother  ?  "  said  the  Yankee.     "  What  makes  you 
have  this  fear  ?     I  am  certainly  making  you  a  very  gener- 
ous visit." 

"  I  fear,"  said  the  other,  "  you  will  never  come  to  see  me 
again,  because  you  will  never  go  away." 

Jack  Taylor  was  rapidly  losing  ground  in  a  literary  dis- 
cussion, when  the  opposite  party  exclaimed,  — 

"  My  good  friend,  you  are  not  such  a  rare  scholar  as  you 
imagine  ;  you  are  an  every-day  man." 

"  Well,  and  you  are  a  weak  one,"  replied  Taylor. 

Taylor  instantly  jumped  upon  the  back  of  a  horse-laugh, 
and  rode  victoriously  over  his  prostrate  conqueror. 


A  gentleman  who  had  acquired  the  nickname  of  Apollo 
received  a  visit  from  a  peer,  whose  projiensity  for  fibbing 
was  well  known.  "I  find,"  said  his  lordship,  who  was  apt 
to  mistake  impertinence  for  jocularity,  "that  you  are  going 
to  the  fancy  ball  to-iiight;  and  I  presume  you  will  appear 
in  the  character  of  Apollo." 

"I  had  soij^e  such  idea,"  replied  the  gentleman;  "and  I 
am  glad  your  lordship  has  called;  because  you  can  accom- 
pany me  as  my  lyre.''' 


In  the  town  of  IIopkint<jii,  Mass.,  lived  a  certain  Deacon 
Small,  who  lost  his  wife  in  old  age,  and,  after  a  proper  tiiin' 
had  elapH(?d,  resolved  to  o]»tain  aiiotlicr.  Jloariiig  ui  a 
Widow  Hwjper  residing  in  another  town,  ho  mounted  his 
old  brown  mare,  and  soon  reached  the  widow's  dour,  where 
he  discovered  liur  pouring  the  suds  from  her  wash-tub. 

Said  the  deacon,  "  la  this  Widow  Hooper  '/  " 


248  MIRTHFULNESS. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Well,"  continued  the  deacon,  "  I  am  that  little  bit  of 
old  dried-up  Deacon  Small,  and  have  only  one  question  to 
ask  you." 

"  Please  propose,  sir." 

"Well,  madam,  have  you  any  objections  to  going  to 
heaven  hy  way  of  Hopkinton  ?  " 

"  None  at  all.  Come  in,  Deacon  Small."  They  were 
married  the  next  week. 


"  What  does  a  man  think  of  when  he  thinks  of  nothing  ?  " 
Queen  Elizabeth  demanded  of  a  choleric  courtier,  to  whom 
she  had  not  realized  her  promise  of  promotion. 

"  He  thinks,  madam,  of  woman's  promise,"  was  the  tart 
reply. 

"  Well,  I  must  not  confute  him,"  said  the  queen,  walking 
away :  "  anger  makes  a  man  witty,  but  it  keeps  him 
poor." 


The  inundation  of  1771,  which  swept  away  the  greater 
part  of  the  old  Tyne  Bridge,  vrOiS  long  remembered,  and 
alluded  to  with  emphasis,  as  "  the  flood."  On  one  occasion, 
Mr.  Adam  Thomson  was  placed  in  the  witness-box  at  the 
assizes.     The   counsel,  asking  his   name,  received  for  an- 


swer. 


"  Adam,  sir ;  Adam  Thomson." 

"  Where  do  you  live  ?  " 

"  At  Paradise,  sir."  (Paradise  was  a  village  about  a  mile 
and  a  half  from  New  Castle.) 

"  And  how  long  have  jovl  dwelt  in  Paradise  ?  "  continued 
the  barrister. 

"  Ever  since  the  flood,"  was  the  answer,  made  in  all  sim- 
plicity, and  with  no  intention  to  raise  a  laugh.  It  is  per- 
haps needless  to  inform  the  reader  that  the  judge  had  to 
ask  for  explanations. 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  249 

The  following  act  was  passed  some  years  ago  by  the 
Pennsylvania  Assembly:  "The  State-house  yard  shall 
be  surrounded  by  a  brick  wall,  and  remain  an  open  enclosure 
forever." 


The  following  was  a  Virginia  statute  :  "'  Supplementary 
to  an  act  to  amend  an  act  making  it  penal  to  alter  the  mark 
of  an  unmarked  dog." 


Judge  Peters  asked  J.  W.  Condy  for  the  loan   of  a  book. 

The  latter  said,  — 

"  With  great  pleasure  :  I  will  send  it  to  you." 

"That,"  said   the  judge,   "will  be  truly   condescending 

(Condy  sending)." 

Judge  Peters  was  told  that  Congress  had  passed  a  law 
increasing  the  salary  of  certain  judges,  when  he  replied, 
*'  That  law  will  not  affect  me,  for  I  am  an  unceHain 
judge." 


"  Which  do  you  think  the  merriest  place  in  existence?" 
"  That    immediately  above   the    atmosphere   which   sur- 
rounds the  earth,"  was  the  reply. 
"  Why  so  ?  " 
"  Because,  I  am  told,  there  all  bodies  lose  their  gravity.^* 


A  mother  told  her  seven-year-old  son  never  to  put  off  till 
to-morrow  any  tliint;  ho  could  do  to-day.  The  little  urchin 
replied,  "  Then,  ni<»ther,  let's  eat  the  remainder  of  the  plum- 
pudding  to-night !  " 

In  one  of  our  State  legislatures,  some  years  ago,  a  mem- 
ber of  the  lower  branch  nwi;  in  his  seat,  and  atiked  leave 
to  Btato  that  an  attempt  ha<l  bt-en  mado  to  bribe  liim. 
Shocked  by  the  idea  of  bribery,  the  member  said,  "  I  havo 


250  "  MIETHFULNESS. 

been  offered  $500  to  use  my  influence  for  a  certain  measure. 
Can  any  man,  who  knows  me,  indulge  the  opinion  that 
I  would  sell  myself  for  the  paltry  sum  of  five  hundred  dol- 
lars ?  "  While  the  speaker  was  making  a  rhetorical  pause, 
with  a  very  excited  and  expressive  countenance,  a  squeak- 
ing voice,  from  another  part  of  the  house,  exclaimed,  "  Say 
six  hundred  dollars,  and  it's  a  bargain."  This  brought 
down  the  house. 


During  the  long  Massachusetts  legislative  session  of 
1869,  a  man  from  the  country  was  walking  with  a  citizen 
of  Boston  near  the  State  House,  when  he  asked  him,  — 

"  Is  that  a  gas-house  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  was  the  reply  ;  "  it  is  the  State  Gas-house  !  " 


A  sailor,  not  accustomed  to  attend  church,  being  in  a 
city  upon  a  sabbath,  attended  a  Presbyterian  meeting  in 
the  morning,  a  Baptist  in  the  afternoon,  and  an  Episcopal 
in  the  evening.  When  asked  which  he  liked  the  best,  he  re- 
plied, ''  I  like  the  meeting  I  attended  in  the  evening  best, 
because  the  preacher  there  permitted  the  people  to  jaw  back 
to  him." 


In  one  of  the  back  districts  of  Kentucky,  some  years 
ago,  two  self-made  lawyers  addressed  the  same  political 
meeting  in  the  capacity  of  candidates  for  the  State  legis- 
lature. The  first  speaker  Said  he  was  a  poor  boy,  and  that, 
having  purchased  some  law-books  with  the  proceeds  of  his 
own  hard  labor,  he  obtained  his  knowledge  of  law  by  read- 
ing his  books  while  the  saw  was  passing  through  the  logs 
he  manufactured  into  boards,  at  the  saw-mill  he  tended 
day  and  night.  When  it  was  dark,  he  read  by  the  light 
of  pine-knots,  being  too  poor  to  purchase  candles.  To  re- 
move the  strong  impression  made  by  this  speech,  the  op- 
ponent of  its  author  spoke  substantially  as  follows,  with 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  251 

complete  success :  "  Fellow-citizens,  all  that  iny  opponent 
has  said  respecting  his  manner  of  studying  law  is  strictly 
true.  I  know  it ;  for  I  was  so  very  poor,  I  could  not  pur- 
chase law-books,  and  I  obtained  my  knowledge  of  law  by 
looking  over  his  shoulder."  This  speech  called  forth  the 
most  extravagant  applause,  and  secured  the  election  of  its 
author. 


A  man  was  arraigned  before  the  police-court  of  Boston 
some  years  ago,  to  whom  the  judge  proposed  the  following 
question,  and  received  the  following  answer :  — 

"  What  is  your  profession  ?  " 

"  I  used  to  be  a  Methodist,  but  I  haven't  worked  at  that 
much  lately." 


Tlie  horse  an  old  lady  was  driving  down  a  long  hill  be- 
came unmanageable,  and  ran,  exposing  the  old  lady  to 
danger  and  to  death.  In  describing  her  feelings  during  her 
perilous  ride,  she  said,  "  My  confidence  in  God  remained 
firm  until  the  breeching  broke,  and  then  I  gave  up  in 
despair." 


'^  I  once  had  occasion  to  report,"  says  a  reporter,  "  tliat  a 
certain  noble  lord  was  confined  to  his  house  with  a  violent 
cold.  Next  morning  I  found  his  lordship  represented  to  be 
confined  with  a  violent  scold  !  " 

In  reporting  a  certain  entfrtuinnunt,  a  reporter  wrot*-, 
"The  first  point  of  attraction  and  admiration  was  her  hidij- 
ships  looli^P  Tliis  compliment  was  transformed  by  the 
printer  to  her  ladyships  cooks. 

In  an  account  of  Gen.  Sandanha's  conduct  at  Oj)ort«), 
the  reporter  observed  that  lie  '*  liehavcd  like,  a  hero  ;  "  whiUt 
the  printer  madi;  it  appear  that  "  he  hchnvrd  like  a  hare." 

"  W(,,"  sayH  "  The  .John  IJiilJ,"  "  often  huflVr  in  thiH  way. 
About  two  yeara  since,  wo  represented  Mr.  I'eel  an  having 


252  MIRTHFULNESS. 

joined  a  party  of  friends,  in  Hampshire,  for  tlie  purpose 
of  shooting  peasants  ;  and  only  last  week,  in  a  Scotch  paper, 
we  saw  it  gravely  stated  that  a  surgeon  was  taken  alive  in 
the  river,  and  sold  to  the  inhabitants  at  ten  cents  a  pound." 


Between  forty  and  fifty  years  ago,  a  woman  in  New 
Hampshire  gave  birth  to  three  male  children,  to  whom  she 
gave  the  names  of  Abraham,  Isaac,  and  Jacob.  A  pious 
old  lady  in  the  neighborhood  said  these  children  were 
named  for  the  three  prodigal  sons  described  in  the  Scrip- 
tures. 


A  meeting  was  called,  in  the  western  part  of  Massachu- 
setts, during  our  late  Eebellion,  to  aid  in  securing  volunteers 
for  the  army.  A  very  excitable  and  earnest  manager  of  the 
meeting,  who  was  habitually  profane,  said  to  his  associates, 
"  Here  is  Mr.  B.,  who  can  pray  like  a  minister :  I  propose  he 
be  invited  to  open  the  meeting  with  prayer :  it  will  add  dig- 
nity and  influence  to  our  movement."  The  suggestion  was 
adopted ;  and,  after  the  meeting  was  opened,  the  profane 
advocate  for  the  devotional  exercise  addressed  his  fellow- 
citizens  thus  :  — 

"  My  friends,  we  have  looked  to  God  for  his  blessing,  and 
now  I  hope  we  shall  be  harmonious  in  devising  means  to 

l^ut  down  this rebellion."     The  descriptive  word 

he  employed  was  a  profane  compound  adjective,  often  used 
by  his  class.  rv 


Two  commercial  travellers  meeting  at  an  inn,  near  Bris- 
tol, held  a  conversation  upon  spiritual  subjects,  in  which  one 
asked  the  other  if  he  belonged  to  the  Wesleyan  Methodists. 
"  No,"  replied  the  man  of  business  :  "  what  little  I  do  in 
the  religious  way  is  done  in  the  Unitarian  line." 


In  the  State  of  Vermont,  several  years  ago,  a  rustic  old 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  253 

gentleman  was  called  upon  the  witness-stand  to  testify  in  a 
case  on  trial  in  court.  He  answered  questions  with  so  much 
hesitation,  that  the  lawyer  complained  of  him.  Turning  to 
the  judge,  the  witness  said,  — 

"  May  it  please  your  Honor,  I  feel  greatly  embarrassed." 

"  What  is  the  matter  ?  "  said  the  judge. 

"  Why,"  replied  the  witness,  "  I  am  summoned  hero  by 
both  parties,  and  I  don't  know  how  to  testify." 

After  joining  in  the  laugh,  the  judge  told  the  witness  he 
was  not  an  advocate  for  either  party,  and  all  that  was  re- 
quired of  him  was  to  tell  what  he  knew  about  the  case. 

In  another  court,  in  the  same  State,  several  years  ago,  the 
judge  comiuitted  a  young  lawyer  for  contempt.  Several 
leading  members  of  the  bar  appeared  before  the  court  in 
behalf  of  their  unfortunate  young  brother.  One  of  the  old- 
est and  ablest  of  these  said  to  the  judge,  "  IMy  young  Ijrother 
did  not  intend  to  insult  your  Honor.  All  he  said  was  that 
lie  was  surprised  at  your  ruling.  His  manner  might  liave 
been  objectionable,  but  no  great  fault  could  be  found  with 
liis  language.  He  said  he  was  siuprised  at  your  ruling. 
Hud  he  been  as  well  acquainted  with  this  court  as  some  of 
his  elder  brethren  are,  he  would  not  be  surprised  at  any 
ruling  of  your  Honor." 


Dean  Kamspy  tells  a  story  of  an  old  Scottish  lady,  who, 
while  mourning  over  the  moral  state  of  one  of  her  relatives, 
e.vclaimed,  "  Our  Jolin  swears  awfu',  an'  we  try  to  correct 
him  ;  but" —  she  added  in  a  candid  and  apologetic  tone  — 
*'  nae  doubt  it  is  a  great  set-oflf  to  conversation." 


MixiNO  Things.  —  An  excellent  minister,  in  describ- 
ing the  joys  of  the  heavenly  gtate,  said,  "  O  my  friendu ! 
there  Satan  sliall  liarass  you  no  longer;  there  the  great 
enemy  of  souls  can  distress  you  no  more :  for  there  you 
bhall  bo  like  him ;  there  you  shall  see  him  as  he  is." 


254  MIRTHFULNESS. 

A  soldier,  describing  the  horrors  of  the  Caffre  War,  wish- 
ing to  wind  up  with  a  good  sonorous  sentence,  said,  "  And 
when  I  reached  my  home,  I  found  my  children  fatherless, 
and  my  wife  a  widow." 


A  pious  minister,  describing  a  certain  class  of  persons, 
said  of  them,  "  They  sell  their  birthright  for  a  pot  of  mes- 


sage." 


Several  years  ago,  the  preacher  of  the  election  sermon 
offended  certain  members  of  the  House  of  Representatives 
bv  some  sentiments  he  uttered  in  his  sermon,  and  the 
offended  gentlemen  spoke  against  printing  the  sermon. 
Their  project  was  defeated  by  a  timely  hit  made  by  Hon. 
Josiah  Quincy,  jun.,  who  was  a  member  of  that  branch  of  the 
Legislature.  Mr.  Quincy  arose,  and  said,  "  Mr.  Speaker,  I 
move  that  the  next  preacher  of  the  election  sermon  be  in- 
structed by  the  Legislature  to  preach  from  this  text,  thirty- 
ninth  Psalm,  first  verse :  '  I  said,  I  will  take  heed  to 
my  ways,  that  I  sin  not  with  my  tongue ;  I  will  keep  my 
mouth  with  a  bridle  while  the  wicked  is  before  me.' "  The 
sermon  was  printed. 


A  gentleman  in  Massachusetts,  who  bore  the  name  of 

Father  M ,  was  met  one  day  by  two  of  his  acquaintances, 

one  of  whom  attempted  to  show  his  smartness  by  saying, 

as  Father  M took  him  by  the  hand,  and  spoke  his  name, 

"  You  have  the  adoantage  of  me,  sir." 

"  Yes,"  said  Father  M ,  "  I  dare  say :  anybody  has 

jvho  possesses  common  sense." 


An  English  clergyman,  who  had  two  small  livings  joining 
each  other,  Newbury  and  Bibery,  and  who  always  performed 
the  morning  service  in  the  former,  and  the  evening  in  the 
latter,  on  being  asked  why  he  did  not  divide  the  duties 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  255 

equally  between  them,  made  answer,  "  I  go  to  ntibere  in  the 
morning,  because  that  is  the  time  to  marnj  ;  and  I  go  to 
I'lbere  in  the  evening,  because  that  is  the  time  to  drink." 

A  Verbatim  Copy  of  a  Letter.  —  "  Dear  Sir,  —  On 
!R[ouday  next  I  am  to  be  made  a  Mare,  and  shall  be  much 
obliged  to  you,  if  so  be  you  will  ^ud  me  down,  by  the  Coatch, 
some  provisions  fitting  for  the  occasion,  as  I  am  about  to 
ax  my  brother,  the  old  Mare,  and  the  rest  of  the  Bentch, 
I  am,  sur,"  &c. 

The  above  was  answered  by  a  wag,  into  whose  hands  it 
fell,  as  follows  :  — 

"  Sir,  —  In  obedience  to  your  orders,  have  sent  you  two 
bu.shels  of  the  best  oats  ;•  and  as  you  are  to  treat  the  old 
mare,  have  added  some  bran  to  make  a  mash.  —  Yours." 


An  ancient  maiden,  complaining  that  she  was  near  thirty, 
was  told  by  an  acquaintance  that  every  day  removed  her 
farther  from  her  complaint. 


A  "Western  paper  advertises  a  farm  for  sale,  possessing 
the  advantage  of  being  fifteen  miles  from  the  residence  of  a 
lawyer. 

• 

How  AX  ExGAGEMEXT  WAS  BROKEN. — A  gentleman 
was  talking  with  his  lady-love  i^bout  the  Chinese  cuslfiiii  i.f 
bandaging  the  feet  of  female  infants,  and  remarked  that  the 
de.sign  of  the  custom  was  to  keep  women  from  gadding 
alx)ut, — a  very  good  thing.  The  lady  remarked,  "You 
had  better  marry  a  Chinese  wife." 


"Gentleman  and  ladies,"  said  a  showman,  ''hen*  you 
liavc  a  magnificent  painting  of  J)anifl  in  the  lions'  «U-n. 
iJanicl  <  an  be  easily  di-stinguished  from  the  lionH  by  tho 
green  umbrella  under  the  left  arm." 


256  MIETHFULNESS. 

"  Sammy,  run  to  the  store  and  get  some  sugar." 
"Excuse  me,  ma;    I  am  somewhat  indisposed  this  morn- 
ing ;  send  father,  and  tell  him  to  get  me  some  tobacco." 

A  country  girl,  coming  from  the  field  one  morning,  was 
told  by  a  city  cousin  that  she  looked  as  fresh  as  a  daisy 
kissed  by  the  dew. 

The  girl,  blushing,  said  his  name  was  not  Dew;  "but 
how  did  you  know  he  kissed  me  ?  " 


A  gentleman  called  at  the  home  of  his  lady-love  one 
morning,  and  was  told  by  her  mother  that  she  had  not  risen 
from  bed.  He  playfull}^  remarked,  "  Give  her  my  respects, 
and  tell  her  I  am  very  sorry  sh5  is  in  the  embrace  of  Mor- 
pheus at  this  hour  of  the  day."  The  gentleman  called 
again  in  the  afternoon,  and  found  his  lady  strongly  excited, 
with  the  idea  that  he  had  insulted  her  by  his  morning 
message  sent  by  her  mother.  He  asked  for  an  explanation, 
and  was  told  that  he  had  charged  her  with  being  in  the 
embrace  of  Mr.  Morpheus,  and  she  was  sure  she  didn't 
know  the  man. 


.A  man  was  driving  a  horse  past  a  tavern,  which  had  ac- 
quired the  habit  of  stopping  when  he  came  near  a  group 
of  men.  The  beast  stopped  ;  and  the  guests  of  the  house, 
standing  in  the  yard,  lauglied,  and  asked  the  driver  if  he 
would  sell  his  horse.  He  said  he  would,  but  could  not  rec- 
ommend him  ;  for  having  been  owned  by  a  butcher,  he 
would  stop  whenever  he  saw  or  heard  calves. 


"  My  brudders,"  said  a  waggish  darkey  to  a  crowd,  "  in 
all  affliction,  in  all  your  troubles,  dar  is  one  place  you  can 
always  find  sympathy." 

"  Whar,  whar  ?  "  shouted  several  of  his  auditors. 

"  In  de  dictionary,"  he  replied,  rolling  his  eyes  sky-ward. 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  257 

Almost  every  young  lady  is  public-spirited   enough   to 
permit  her  father's  house  to  be  used  as  a  cour^-house. 


An  amorous  swain  said  he  knew  the  doctrine  of  homoe- 
opathy was  true,  —  that  "  like  cured  like  ;  "  for  he  had  been 
cured  of  the  palpitation  of  the  heart  by  applying  to  his 
own  the  palpitating  heart  of  another. 


A  general,  at  the  point  of  death,  opened  his  eyes,  and, 
seeing  three  doctors  standing  by  his  bed-side,  faintly  ex- 
claimed, "  Gentlemen,  if  you  fire  by  platoons,  it  is  all  over 
with  me,"  and  expired. 

Old  Snail  says  that  love  is  a  combination  of  diseases,  — 
"an  aflfection  of  the  heart,  and  an  inflammation  of  the  brain." 


A  young  lady  who  gave  herself  many  airs,  having  con- 
templated a  sojourn' to  France,  a  friend  expressed  a  doubt 
whether  she  would  condescend  to  talk  Engli.sli  when  she 
came  back.  "  Oh  ! "  said  one  who  knew  her  powers  of  lan- 
guage, "  she'll  never  forget  the  vulgar  tongue." 


A  wag,  overtaking  an  old  minister  whose  nag  was  much 
fatigued,  quizzed  him  thus:  "A  nice  horse  yours,  doctor; 
very  valualjle  beast  that  you  are  riding ;  but  what  nuikes 
liim  wag  his  tail  so,  doctor?" 

"  The  same  that  causes  your  tongue  to  wag  so,  —  a  sort 
of  natural  weakness,"  was  the  old  gentleman's  reply. 

"Madam,  a  good  many  persons  were  very  much  disturbed 
ut  the  concert  last  night  by  the  crying  of  your  l)aby." 

"Well,  I  do  worultT  tliat  such  pt-oplu  will  go  to  concerts." 


"  Jenny,"  said  a  Scotch  minister,  stooping  from  hispuliut, 
"  have  you  got  a  peen  about  yo  ?  " 
17 


258  MIRTHFULNESS. 

"  Yes,  minister,"  was  ber  reply. 

"  Then  stick  it  into  that  sleeping  fellow  by  your  side." 


"  What  Would  our  wives  say  if  they  knew  where  we  are  ?  " 
said  the  captain  of  a  schooner,  when  they  were  beating 
about  in  a  thick  fog,  fearful  of  going  on  shore. 

"  Humph !  I  shouldn't  mind,"  replied  the  mate,  *'  if  we 
only  knew  where  we  are  ourselves." 


A  poet  wrote,  "  See  the  pale  martyr  in  a  sheet  of  fire ! " 
The  printer  made  him  say,  "  See  the  pale  martyr  with  his 
shirt  on  fire  !  " 

An  Indian  called  at  a  tavern  in  Connecticut  one  autumn, 
and  paid  two  coppers  for  a  glass  of  rum.  The  next  spring, 
happening  at  the  same  house,  he  called  for  another  glass, 
and  was  charged  three  coppers  for  it.  "  How  is  this,  land- 
lord ?  "  said  he.  "  Last  fall  you  asked  two  coppers  for  a 
glass  of  rum ;  now  you  ask  three." 

"  Oh  !  "  said  the  landlord,  "  it  costs  nearly  as  much  to  keep 
a  hogshead  of  rum  over  winter  as  it  does  to  keep  a 
horse." 

The  Indian  replied,  "  He  won't  eat  so  much  hay ;  maybe 
he  drink  as  much  water  J' 


When  Judge  Howell  of  Khode  Island  was  at  the  bar,  Mr. 
Burgess,  to  play  a  joke,  wrote  on  the  lining  of  his  hat, 
vacuum  cajput  (empty  head).  The  hat  circulated  about, 
exciting  a  smile  on  every  countenance,  except  that  of  the 
owner,  who  deliberately  took  it  up,  and  repeated  the  words, 
and,  well  knowing  the  author,  addressed  the  court  as  follows  : 
"  May  it  please  the  court,  I  ask  your  Honor's  protection  " 
(holding  up  his  hat),  "  for,"  said  he,  "  I  find  that  Brother 
Burgess  has  written  his  name  in  my  hat,  and  I  have  reason 
to  believe  he  intends  to  make  off  with  it." 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  259 

Once,  after  the  celebrated  John  Randolph  had  been  speak- 
ing in  Congress,  several  members  rose  in  succession,  and 
attacked  him.  His  reply  was  witty  as  it  was  prompt. 
"  Siv,"  said  he  to  the  speaker,  ''  I  am  in  the  condition  of 
old  Lear.  The  little  dogs  and  all,  —  Tray,  Blanch,  and 
Sweetheart, — see,  they  bark  at  me!" 


MoREAu's  Mistake.  —  When  Gen.  Morean,  who  forsook 
the  colors  of  Napoleon,  and  was  afterwards  killed  fighting 
against  his  former  commander  in  Germany,  was  in  the  city 
of  Boston,  he  was  made  a  lion  of  the  first  quality.  On  one 
occasion,  he  was  invited  to  Cambridge  to  attend  Commence- 
ment exercises.  The  musical  society  of  the  college  sang  an 
ode,  the  chorus  of  which  was  "  To-morrow,  to-morrrow,  to- 
morrow." Imperfectly  acquainted  with  our  language,  he 
bowed  gracefully  to  the  gallery,  supposing  that  they  were 
singing  in  honor  of  him,  repeating  his  name  in  the  chorus 
of  their  song, — mistaking  to-morrow  for  his  name.  The 
mistake  produced  great  merriment  in  the  audience. 


CORRESrOXDEXCE 

Bettoeen  J.  K.  Paulding,  S><'rrel<iryoftheXrwy,andanagentofthe  Department 

in  Alabama. 

The  secretary  wrote,  ^' Dear  Sir,  —  Plea.se  inform  this 
department,  by  return  mail,  how  far  the  Tombigbeo  River 
runs  up.  "  Respectfully, 

"J.  K.  Pauldino,  Secretary." 

Rep/i/.  —  "iMobile  :  Hon.  J.  K.  PAULPINO.  Dear  Sir, 
—  In  reply  to  your  letter  just  at  hand,  I  have  the  honor 
to  say  that  tlie  Tombigbee  River  don't  run  up  at  all." 


The  Fikht  Dkadiiead.  —  "  Who  was  the  first  man  rec- 
orded in  history  that  diiln't  pay  ?  "  said  MathewH,  att  he 
was  handing  a  theatrical  order  to  a  friend. 


260  MIRTHFULNESS. 

"  Why,  really,  I  never  gave  it  a  thought,"  replied  the 
friend. 

"  Why,  Joseph,  of  course,"  said  Mathews  :  "  did  not  his 
brothers  put  him  in  the  pit  for  nothing  ?  " 

Charles  Mathews,  jun.,  was  brought  up  as  an  architect. 
The  father  was  once  asked  by  a  friend  of  what  profession 
the  young  man  was  to  be. 

"Why,"  said  the  comedian,  "he  is  to  draw  houses  as 
his  father  does." 


A  Duel  m  the  Dark.  —  An  Englishman  and  a  French- 
man having  quarrelled,  they  agreed  to  fight  a  duel.  Being 
both  cowards,  they  agreed,  for  their  mutual  safety  of  course, 
that  the  duel  should  take  place  in  a  perfectly  dark  room. 
The  Englishman  was  to  fire  first.  He  groped  his  way  to 
the  hearth,  fired  up  the  chimney,  and  brought  down  the 
Frenchman,  who  had  taken  refuge  there. 


Love  at  Sight,  —  A  servant-girl,  of  no  strong  intel- 
lect, told  her  mistress  that  she  was  going  to  give  up  her 
place  because  she  expected  to  be  married. 

"  And  to  whom  ?  "  inquired  her  mistress. 

"  Ou,  he's  a  nice  lad ;  a  lad  that  sits  in  the  kirk  just  for- 
nent  me." 

"  And  when  does  he  intend  that  you  and  he  should  be 
married  ?  "  said  the  mistress. 

"  I  dinna  ken,"  was  the  reply. 

"  Are  you  sure  he  intends  to  marry  you  at  all  ?  " 

"  I  dare  say  he  does,  mem." 

"  Have  you  had  much  of  each  other's  company  ?  " 

"Not  yet." 

"When  did  you  last  converse  with  him  ?  " 

"  'Deed,  we  hae  nae  conversed  awa  yet." 

"  Then  how  should  you  suppose  that  he  is  going  to  marry 
you  ?  "  " 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  261 

"  Ou,"  replied  the  simple  girl,  "  he's  been  long  lookin'  at 
me,  and  I  think  he'll  soon  be  speaken." 


"I  say,  Bill,  what  have  you  done  with  that  horse  of 
yours  ?  " 

"  Sold  him." 

"  What  did  you  sell  him  for  ?  " 

"Why,  he  moved  so  slowly,  that  I  got  prosecuted  half  a 
dozen  times  for  violating  the  law  against  standing  in  the 
street." 


Old  Roger  was  asked  by  a  fellow-boarder,  who  was  rather 
addicted  to  strong  drink,  how  a  man  could  be  said  "  to  die 
daily."  Looking  at  him  significantly,  the  old  gentleman 
replied,  "  Young  man,  it  is  when  he  daily  takes  his  beer" 
The  young  man  signed  the  pledge  that  very  night. 


"The  voice  of  woman,  gentleman,"  said  a  romantic  indi- 
vidual, in  a  late  argument  at  the  club-room,  —  "  the  voice  of 
woman,  no  matter  how  much  some  of  you  may  be  inclined 
to  sneer  at  the  sentiment,  exercises  a  soothing,  inspiring, 
and  hallowing  influence  upon  man,  comforts  him  in  afflic- 
tion, encourages  him  in  dismay,  and  banishes  from  his  mind 
all  those  troubles,  which,  when  she  is  absent,  conspire  to 
sink  him  into  the  depths  of  despondency." 

"  Tom,  you  rascal !  "  exctlaimcd  his  wife,  at  this  instant 
bursting  into  the  room,  "come  home,  you  loitering  ficamj), 
and  leave  tliest;  wortldess  fellows  to  themselves.  Oh  !  wln-n 
I  get  you  home,  won't  you  catch  it?  Well,  I  gue.ss  you  will.  " 

Here  Tom  left  the  room  abruiitly  with  Jiis  enraged  hjhjuso, 
evidently  satisfied  with  the  inspiring  influeuco  of  the  voice 
of  woman. 


Old  Roger  says,  that,  A^rly  years  ago,  ho  began  to  make 
woman  hi«  study,  and  he  liiui  found  himself  unable  to  vmi' 


262  MIRTHFULNESS. 

ter  his  subject.  He  says  the  reason  why  he  has  remained  a 
bachelor  is,  that  woman  is  so  great  a  blessing  that  he  could 
not  bring  himself  to  think  that  he  was  worthy  to  embrace  it. 


What  Scripture  name  would  a  man  use  in  telling  his  son 
to  get  into  a  crowded  stage.     Ansiver.  "  Ben-jam-in." 

"  In  the  millennium,"  said  an  eloquent  preacher,  who  ed- 
ited a  weekly  religious  organ,  —  "  in  that  happy  time  every 
newspaper  subscription-list  will  be  full,  and  every  subscrip- 
tion paid."  Editors  called  upon  their  subscribers  to  help 
along  the  "  good  time  coming." 


A  Frenchman,  exceedingly  angry  with  a  waiter,  ex- 
claimed, "  You  rascal,  I'll  blow  your  nose  for  you." 

As  the  members  of  the  New-Hampshire  Legislature  as- 
sembled in  the  State  House,  some  years  ago,  before  the  ses- 
sion commenced,  an  aged  farmer,  who  proved  to  be  a  man 
of  good  sense,  appeared  among  them,  being  very  poorly  clad. 
He  was  told  that  that  room  was  for  members  of  the. Legis- 
lature. He  replied  that  he  was  a  member  elect  from  such 
a  town ;  and  added,  "  There  are  men  in  our  town  better 
qualified  for  the  work  of  legislation  than  I  am,  but  they  had 
not  clothes  fit  to  wear  hereP 


'■'■  Iowa  is  teeming  with  grasshoppers,"  said  a  paper  of  that 
State,  a  month  since.  Quoting  this,  a  Kansas  paper  said 
that  the  people  of  that  State  would  be  glad  to  team  with 
them.  , 


Speaking  of  blackguards,  a  certain  paper  called  them 
African  sentinels. 

A  love-smitten  professor,  in  one  of  our   colleges,  after 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  2G3 

conversing  jv  while  with  liis  dulcinea  pn  the  interesting  topic 
of  matrimony,  conchuled  at  List  with  a  dechiration,  and  put 
the  emphatic  question,  "  Will  you  marry 'me  ?  " 

"  I  am  sorry  to  disappoint  you,"  replied  the  lady,  "  and 
hope  my  refusal  will  not  give  you  pain,  but  I  must  answer, 
NoJ' 

"  Well,  well,  that  will  do,  madam,"  said  her  philosophical 
lover;  "and  now,  suppose  we  change  the  subject." 


A  young  lady,  engaged  in  conversation  with  a  gentleman, 
spoke  of  having  resided  in  St.  Louis. 

"  Was  St.  Louis  your  native  place  ?  "  inquired  the  gentle- 


man. 


"Well,  yes, — part  of  the  time,"  responded  the  lady. 


"I  hope  this  hand  is  not  counterfeit,"  said  a  lover,  as  he 
was  toying  with  the  fingers  of  his  la^J^Movo. 

"  The  best  way  to  find  out  is  to  ring  it,"  was  the  neat 
reply. 


A  little  boy,  being  told  that  Indians  did  not  ^oash,  said 
he  wiiihed  he  was  an  Injun. 


A  newspaper  clerk,  meeting  a  negro  who  had  not  paid  him 
for  fifty  papers,  said,  "Look  here,  you  freedman,  when  are 
you  going  to  pay  for  those  papers?" 

"  Don't  troubb;  me,  boy,  don't  trouble  me,"  replied  the 
colored  gentleman,  assuming  an  air  of  business,  and  at  tlio 
same  time  getting  out  of  the  way:  "/.s«  taken  wid  de  bank- 
ruptcy; no  use  to  aay  nuffin  more  on  dat. subject." 


Some  years  ago  a  certain  b-gihlaturc,  early  in  tlio 
sion,  voted  to  dispense  with  the  services  of  the  cliaplain, 
arid  an  invitation  was  exteniI<Mi  to  the  (•li'rg3-men  of  the 
House  to  ofllciatc  instea*!.      When,  subsequently,  the  Humo 


264  MIRTHFULNESS. 

member,  who  was  instrumental  in  securing  th^g  vote,  was 
arguing  in  favor  of  reducing  the  salary  of  the  chaplain  of 
the  State  Prison,  a 'gentleman  gravely  moved  that  the  office 
of  chaplain  be  dispensed  with,  and  the  religious  services  of 
the  prison  be  performed  by  the  pious  convicts.  This  mo- 
tion produced  a  hearty  laugh. 


"  Is  your  note  good  ? "  asked  a  merchant  of  a  person 
who  oifered  his  note  for  a  lot  of  goods. 

"  Well,"  replied  the  purchaser,  ''  I  should  think  it  ought 
to  be.  It  is  certainly  very  popular,  for  nearly  all  my  ac- 
quaintances have  one  each,  and  some  have  had  the  article 
for  years." 


"  I  hope  you  will  be  able  to  support  me,"  said  a  young 
lady,  while  walking  out  one  evening  with  her  intended,  dur- 
ing a  somewhat  slippery  state  of  the  sidewalks. 

•'  Why,  yes,  "  said  the  somewhat  hesitating  swain  :  "  with 
a  little  assistance  from  your  father." 

There  was  some  confusion,  and  profound  silence. 


Those  two  celebrated  divines  and  scholars,  Dr.  South  and 
Dr.  Sherlock,  were  once  disputing  on  some  theological  sub- 
ject, when  the  latter  accused  his  opponent  of  using  his  wit 
in  the  controversy.  "Well,"  said  South,  "suppose  it  had 
pleased  God  to  give  you  wit ;  what  would  you  have  done  ?  " 


"  Ah,  Eliza,"  said  a  Puritan  preacher  to  a  young  lady  who 
had  just  been  making  her  hair  into  beautiful  ringlets,  —  "all, 
Eliza,  had  Grod  intended  your  locks  to  be  curled,  he  would 
have  curled  them  for  you." 

"  So  he  did,"  replied  the  damsel,  "  when  I  was  an  infant ; 
but  now  I  have  grown  up,  he  leaves  me  to  do  it  for  myself" 


During  the  last  century  an  agreeable  delusion  prevailed 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  2G5 

that  the  systematic  inhaling  of  the  breath  of  j-oung  ladies 
tended  to  prolong  life.  A  physician,  who  hud  written  upon 
health,  was  so  much  influenced  by  this  theory  that  he  actu- 
ally took  lodgings  in  a  female  boarding-school,  that  he  might 
have  a  constant  supply  of  the  proper  atmosphere.  The  au- 
thor of  "The  Valetudinarian  Guide,"  published  in  1779, 
seems  to  have  taken  a  dose  of  this  pleasant  medicine  when- 
ever he  could.  "I  am  myself,"  says  he,  "turned  of  sixt}-; 
and,  in  general,  though  I  have  lived  in  various  climates,  and 
suffered  severely  both  in  body  and  in  mind,  yet  having  alwa3'3 
partaken  of  the  breath  of  young  women,  whenever  I  met 
them,  I  feel  none  of  the  infirmities  which  are  so  manifest 
in  men,  years  younger  than  myself,  in  this  great  city  of 
Bath." 


Not  many  years  since,  a  certain  Vermont  church  was  in 
'  need  of  a  pastor.  One  sabbath,  the  minister  supplying  the 
pulpit,  well  known  for  his  eccentric  turn  of  mind,  prayed 
for  "a  man  from  the  Lord,"  in  this  fashion  :  "  Scud  us  not 
an  old  man  in  his  dotage,  nor  a  j'oung  man  in  his  gosling- 
hood,  but  a  man  with  all  the  modem  improvements.^' 


A  very  earnest  preacher,  who  could  stand  no  nonsense  in 
the  hou.se  of  God,  was  much  annoyed  by  the  scientific  sing- 
ing in  a  city  church,  the  pulpit  of  which  ho  was  occtipying. 
He  relieved  his  mind  in  prayer,  thus :  "  0  Lord  !  thou 
knowe.st,  without  doubt,  what  is  the  meaning  of  the  song 
which  has  just  been  sung  in  thy  hons»! ;  but  thou  knowest 
tliat  we  know  nothing  aI)out  it.  Neverthulcss,  we  pray  that 
it  may,  in  some  way,  bo  blcs-sed  to  us  all." 


Father  Miller  of  Torringford,  exchanging  witli  a  broth<T 
whose  pulpit  greatly  needed  repairs,  stopped  at  the  f<x>t  of 
the  [tidpit  stairs,  eying  tlifin  Hu><pici<)nsly  for  a  monvtit, 
apparontly  «loubting  whether  it  would  be  »af<*  •<>  Ht''p   ufwu 


266  MIETHFULNESS. 

them.  He  then  put  one  foot  on  the  lower  step,  carefully 
but  fearfully,  making  the  structure  shake  throughout.  He 
ascended  the  flight  in  the  same  careful  hut  secretly  malicious 
manner.  When  he  sat  down,  he  made  the  whole  pulpit  edi- 
fice tremble.  During  his  sermon  he  would  bring  down  his 
weighty  fist  upon  the  desk  with  power,  and  then  start  back 
as  though  he  feared  the  whole  structure  would  give  way  and 
let  him  fall  to  the  floor.  The  congregation  were  so  affected 
by  this  performance,  that  they  repaired  the  pulpit  before  the 
next  sabbath. 


Mr.  Dexter  of  Massachusetts,  sitting  in  court  during  an 
unsuccessful  attempt  of  a  member  of  the  bar  to  be  pathetic 
in  his  address  to  the  jury,  said  that  the  effort  of  the  gentle- 
man resembled  the  effort  of  a  lobster  attempting  to  fly. 


P.  Carrigan,  Esq.,  having  been  chosen  a  hog-reeve  by  the 
town  of  Concord  at  an  annual  meeting,  with  a  view  to  put  a 
joke  upon  him,  arose  and  thanked  them  for  the  honor  they 
had  done  him,  and  assured  them  that  he  should,  as  the  best 
return  he  could  make  them  for  the  favor,  do  his  duty  with 
the  utmost  fidelity ;  and  told  them  that,  while  he  remained 
in  office,  they  must  not  think  of  evading  the  laws  against 
hogs  by  going  on  their  hind-legs,  as  many  of  them  had 
long  been  accustomed  to  do. 


It  used  to  be   a   common  saying  at  the  bar  in  Middle- 
sex, Mass.,  "  that  it  was  full  of  all  manner  of  emptiness.''^ 


A  father,  whose  weak-minded  son  was  in  a  chamber  above, 
went  to  the  foot  of  the  chamber-stairs  and  called  to  the  son, 
and  said,  "  John,  is  your  mother  there  ?  " 

"  Yes,  I  guess  so,"  answered  John,  "  for  she  is  not  here.'' 


A  lawyer,  examining  a  witness,  asked  him,  if,  while  a  par- 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  267 

ticiilar  transaction  was   going  on,  his  client  did  not  stand 
facing  the  door  with  his  hack. 


A  witness  was  called  upon  the  stand  to  prove  the  hand- 
writing of  a  person  whose  name  was  upon  a  note.  After 
being  examined  and  cross-examined,"he  finally  said  that  ho 
thought  it  was  very  likehj  to  he  the  hand-writing  of  the  per- 
son, but,  at  the  same  time,  he  thought  it  was  verij  likehj  it 
was  not. 


A  miser  objected  to  the  luxurious  table  of  Aristippus. 
The  latter  showed  him  an  expensive  dish  of  dainties,  and 
said,  "  Would  you  not  buy  this  if  it  was  sold  for  a  pen^y  ?  " 

"  Certainly  I  would,"  said  the  other. 

"  Then,"  said  Aristippus,  "  /  only  give  to  luxury  what 
you  give  to  avarice." 

Queen  Elizabeth,  being  much  enraged  against  Dr.  Ili-y- 
ward,  author  of  the  "  Life  of  Henry  the  Fourth,"  had  or- 
dered her  law  officers  to  proceed  ag.iinst  him,  and,  amongst 
others,  inquired  of  Bacon  ''  if  there  was  not  treason  in  the 
bo^jk." 

The  witty  lawyer  roadil}'  answered,  "  No,  madam,  I  can- 
not answer  for  there  being  treason  in  it,  but  1  am  certain  it 
contains  much  felony.''^ 

"How?"  eagerly  exclaimed  her  Majesty,  "how,  and 
wherein  ?  "  I 

"  In  many  passages,"  rejilied  he,  "  which  he  has  stolen 
from  Tacitus." 


At  no  time  of  life  should  a  man  givr  up  llii-  thoughts  of 
enjoying  the  society  of  women.  "  In  youth,"  Knys  honl 
I'a/'on,  "women  arc  our  mistresses,  at  a  ri|Mr  at,"-  our 
con)i>anion8,  in  old  age  our  nursc-s,  and  in  nil  agi-s  our 
friends." 


268  MIRTHFULNESS. 

Dr.  Eobertson  observed  that  Johnson's  jokes  were 
the  rebukes  of  the  righteous,  described  in  Scripture  as  being 
like  excellent  oil. 

"  Yes,"  exclaimed  Burke,  "  oil  of  vitriol !  " 


A  soldier  boasted  to  Julius  Csesar  of  the  many  wounds  he 
had  received  in  his  face.  Csesar,  knowing  him  to  be  a 
coward,  said  to  him,  "  The  next  time  you  run  away,  you 
had  better  take  care  how  you  look  behind  you." 

Cicero  saw  Lentulus,  his  son-in-law,  a  man  of  very  low 
stature,  with  a  very  long  sword  by  his  side.  He  called  out, 
"  Who^Jias  tied  my  son-in-law  to  that  sword  ?  " 


Gnathena  was  a  Grecian  courtesan.  When  a  very 
diminutive  bottle  of  wine  was  brought  to  her  to  taste,  with 
the  recommendation  that  it  was  very  old,  "  It  may  be  so," 
said  she,  "  but  it  certainly  is  very  small  of  its  age." 


Quinn  thought  angling  a  very  cruel  diversion ;  and  on 
being  asked  why,  gave  this  reason :  *'  Suppose  some  supe- 
rior being  should  bate  a  hook  with  venison,  and  go  a-Quin- 
ning ;  I  should  certainly  bite,  and  what  a  figure  I  should 
make  dangling  in  the  air  !  " 


Quinn  told  Lady  Berkeley,  who  was  a  beautiful  woman,  that 
she  looked  blooming  as  the  spring ;  but,  recollecting  that 
the  season  was  not  then  very  promising,  he  added,  "  I  wish 
the  spring  would  look  like  your  ladyship." 


A  fair  lady,  to  whom  the  poet  Santeuil  owed  a  sum  of 
money,  met  him  one  day,  and  asked  him  why  he  did  not 
visit  her  as  formerly.  "  Is  it,"  said  she,  "  because  you  are 
in  my  debt  ?  " 

"  No,  madam,  that  is  not  what  prevents  me ;  but  you  are 
yourself  the  cause  that  you  are  not  paid." 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  269 

"  How  so  ?  "  said  the  laJy. 

"  It  is/'  continut'il  tlie  poet,  "  because,  when  I  see  you,  I 
forget  every  thing  else." 


A  certain  clergyman  preached  at  St.  Merry,  and  did  not 
plea.se  his  audience.  Santeuil,  who  was  present,  said,  "  This 
preacher  did  much  better  last  year." 

Some  one  observed,  "  How  so  ?  He  did  not  preach  at  all 
last  year." 

*'For  that  very  reason,"  said  Santeuil,  "he  did  much 
better." 


"  Pray,  Sir  Henry,"  said  the  Earl  of  Essex,  "  what  is  your 
opinion  of  poets  ?  " 

"  I  til  ink  them,"  said  Sir  Henry,  "  the  best  writers  next 
to  those  that  write  prose." 


"  How  does  your  new-purchased  horse  answer?  "  said  tho 
late  Duke  of  Cumberland  to  George  Selwyn.  "  I  really  don'l 
know,"  replied  George,  "  for  I  never  asked  him  a  ques- 
tion." 


Lord  M.,  an  Irish  nobleman,  was  remarkable  for  no  small 
share  of  vanity.  When  he  was  indulging  in  his  favorite 
strain  of  egotism  in  a  large  company,  he  made  tho  following 
remark  :  — 

"  Wlien  I  happen  to  say  a  foolish  thing,  I  always  burst 
out  a-laughing." 

"I  envy  your  happiness,  then,"  said  Charles  Townsend, 
"  for  you  muat  live  the  merriest  life  of  any  man  in  Eu- 
rope." 

A  simple  youth  coming  to  Home  from  the  country,  was 
obtMTVfd  to  resemble  Augustus  s(»  iriucli  that  it  wsw  the  huI>- 
ject  of  g<-ncral  conversation.     The  enipiror  <.pl.n'il  him  to 


270  MIRTHFULNESS. 

appear  at  court,  and  inquired  of  him  if  his  mother  had 
ever  been  in  Rome. 

"  No,"  answered  the  youth,  "  but  my  father  has." 


As  Augustus  was  pleased  with  the  company  of  Virgil  and 
Horace,  he  invited  them  frequently  to  his  table,  and  used  to 
seat  himself  between  the  two  poets.  Virgil  was  asthmatic, 
and  Horace  had  weak  eyes.  The  emperor  said  jocosely, 
in  allusion  to  his  situation  between  these  two  invalids, 
''  Here  I  am,  between  sighs  and  tears." 


The  following  is  the  account  of  an  accidental  meeting 
between  a  stranger  and  a  crusty  old  gentleman.  As  the 
latter  was  riding,  his  horse  made  an  odd  kind  of  motion 
with  his  fore-feet,  so  as  to  kick  forward. 

"  This  action  of  your  horse,"  cried  the  stranger,  "  is  quite 
new  to  me ;  many  a  horse  have  I  seen,  but  I  never  saw  a 
horse  kick  before." 

The  old  gentleman  was  so  tickled  with  the  pun  that  he 
invited  the  stranger  to  dinner,  and  ever  after  made  him  his 
welcome  guest. 


When  Oliver  Cromwell  first  coined  half-crowns,  an  old 
Cavalier,  looking  at  one  of  them,  read  this  inscription,  "  God 
toith  us,"  on  one  side,  and  "  The  Commonwealth  of  Eng- 
land "  on  the  other  side.  "  I  see,"  said  he,  "  that  God  and 
the  Commonwealth  are  opposite  ideas." 


A  gentleman  of  reduced  fortune  came  to  a  person  who  had 
formerly  been  his  servant,  to  borrow  money  of  him.  The 
upstart  servant  gave  him  a  very  mortifying  reception,  and 
asked  in  a  haughty  tone,  "  Sir,  wliy  do  you  give  me  all  this 
trouble  ?  Upon  my  honor  I  have  no  money  to  lend  you,  or 
any  one  else." 

"  I  am  certain  what  you  say  is  false,"  said  the  gentleman  j 
"  for  if  you  were  not  rich,  you  dare  not  be  so  saucy." 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  271 

"  A  beautiful  day,  Mr.  Jenkins." 
-   "  Yes,  very  pleasant  indeed." 

"  Good  day  for  the  race." 

"  Race,  —  what  race  ?  " 

"  The  human  race." 

"  Oh,  go  along  with  your  stupid  jokes !  get  up  a  good  one 
like  the  one  with  which  I  sold  Day." 

«  Day,  —  what  day  ?  " 

"  The  day  we  celebrate,"  said  Jenkins,  who  went  on  his 
way  rejoicing. 


Dowx-East  Lyceum.  —  Question  for  discussion :  "  Can 
a  big  man  ache  harder  than  a  little  man  ?  " 


"  I  wonder  how  they  make  lucifer  matches  ? "  said  a 
young  lady  to  her  husband,  with  whom  she  was  always 
quarrelling. 

"  The  process  is  very  simple.  I  once  made  one,"  he 
answered. 

"  How  did  you  manage  it  ?  " 

"  By  leading  you  to  church." 


Eve,  according  to  Milton,  kept  silence  in  Eden  to  hear 
her  husband  talk.  Her  daughter  Eves  have  preferred  talk- 
ing to  listening. 


An  old  lady,  recently,  in  some  court  before  which  she  was 
brought  as  a  witness,  when  asked  to  take  off  her  bonnet, 
obstinately  refused  to  do  so,  saying,  "There  is  no  law  to 
compel  a  woman  to  take  off  her  bonnet." 

"  Oh  !  "  imprudently  replied  one  <jf  the  jmlgfs,  "  you  know 
the  law,  do  you;  perhaps  you  would  like  to  come  up  and  sit 
Viere  and  teach  us  ?  " 

"  No,  I  thank  you,  sir,"  said  the  woman  tartly  :  "  there  are 
old  women  enough  there  now." 


272  MIRTHFULNESS. 

In  all  noble  enterprises,  the  ladies  are  as  the  electric  tele- 
graph, —  far  in  advance  of  the  males. 


Even  French  women  are  disagreeable  to  one  another  some- 
times. The  other  day,  two  "dearest  friends  "  were  in  conver- 
sation. "  My  dear,"  said  the  eldest,  "  do  you  know  that  your 
husband  told  me  last  night  that  my  cheeks  were  like 
roses  ?  " 

"  Yes,  love,  I  know  he  did.  He  spoke  of  it  afterwards, 
and  said  it  was  a  pity  the}''  were  yellow  roses." 


Laws,  like  sausages,  cease  to  inspire  respect  in  proportion 
as  we  know  how  they  are  made. 


A  soldier  was  going  oif  the  field  too  hastily,  when  a  pro- 
vost guard  cried,  "  Halt !"  —  "  Can't." —  "  Wounded  ?" — 
«  No."  — ''  Sick  ?  "  —  "  No."  —  "  What's  the  matter  ?  "  —  "  I 
am  scared,  and  want  to  go  to  the  rear  to  —  rally  !  " 


Lady  Caroline  Lamb  had,  in  a  moment  of  passion,  knocked 
down  one  of  her  pages  with  a  stool.  The  poet  Moore,  to 
whom  this  story  was  told,  observed,  "  Oh,  nothing  is  more 
natural  than  for  a  literary  lady  to  double  down  a  page." 

"  I  would  rather,"  said  one  of  the  company,  "  advise  Lady 
Caroline  to  turn  over  a  new  leaf." 


A  colonel  of  one  of  our  cavalry  regiments  was  recently 
complaining,  at  an  evening  party,  that,  from  the  ignorance 
and  inattention  of  the  officers,  he  was  obliged  to  do  the 
whole  duty  of  the  regiment.  Said  he,  "  I  am  my  own 
major,  my  own  captain,  my  own  lieutenant,  my  own  ensign, 
my  own  sergeant,  and" —  "Your  own  trumpeter,"  said  a 
lady  present. 


A  contraband,  undertaking   to   find  a  situation  for  her 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  273 

daughter  in  Cincinnati,  insisted  upon  said  daughter's  being 
instructed.  Upon  being  requested  to  indicate  what  kind 
of  accomplishments  she  was  desirous  of  having  her  hopeful 
daughter  possess,  she  said,  "  De  gal  must  be  larned  de  piano 
and  painting,  anyhow;  and  mebbe,  arter  a  while,  readin' 
and  writin'." 


A  clergyman  was  lately  depicting  before  a  deeply  inter- 
ested audience  the  alarming  increase  of  intemperance,  when 
he  astonished  his  hearers  by  exclaiming,  "A  young  woman 
in  my  neighborhood  died  very  suddenly  last  sabbath  while 
I  was  preaching  the  gospel  in  a  state  of  beastly  intoxica- 
tion." 


Swift,  on  his  return  home  in  the  evening,  called  on  a 
blacksmith  by  the  way,  and  asked  him  if  he  could  slioe  a 
lior.se  with  a  candle.  "No,"  replied  the  son  of  Vulcan; 
"  but  I  can  with  a  hammer." 


A  lunatic,  confined  in  an  asylum  for  life,  being  asked 
how  he  came  there,  answered,  "  By  a  dispute.  The  world 
said  I  was  mad,  and  I  said  that  the  world  was  mad ;  and 
they  carried  it  against  me." 

Two  cardinals  objected  to  Raphael,  that  in  one  of  the 
pieces  he  had  put  too  imikIi  red  in  the  countenances  of  Saint 
Peter  and  Saint  Paul,  "lit;  not  astonished  at  that,  my 
lords.  I  have  painted  them  us  they  are  in  heaven,  blush- 
ing with  shame  at  seeing  the  Church  so  hadlij  governed.'" 

"Dey  may  rail  against  wiuiinin  a.s  much  a.s  dey  like," 
said  Sambo  :  "dey  can't  set  mo  up  against  dom.  I  h;il) 
always  'u\  my  life  found  them  fust  in  lovc,  fust  in  a  quarrel, 
fust  in  de  dunce,  do  fust  in  de  ice-cream  saloon,  and  de  fust, 
best,  and  last  in  do  sick-room.     What  should  wo  pf>or  croa- 

18 


274  MIRTHFIJLNESS, 

tures  do  .widout  dem  ?  Let  us  be  born  as  little,  as  ugly, 
and  as  helpless  as  you  please,  and  a  woman's  arms  are  open 
to  receib  us.  She  it  am  who  gibs  us  our  fust  dose  of  castor- 
ile,  and  puts  close  upon  our  helpless,  naked  limbs,  and 
cubbers  up  our  foots  and  toses  in  long  flannel  petticoats ; 
and  she  it  am,  who,  as  we  grows  up,  fills  our  dinner-baskets 
with  apples  as  we  start  to  skool,  and  licks  us  when  we  tears 
our  trousers." 


A  Quaker,  having  married  for  his  wife  a  member  of  the 
Church  of  England,  was  asked,  after  the  ceremony,  by  the 
clergyman,  for  his  fee,  which  he  said  was  a  crown.  The 
Quaker,  astonished  at  the  demand,  said  if  he  could  be 
shown  any  text  in  Scripture  which  proved  the  fees  were  a 
crown,  he  would  give  it ;  upon  which  the  clergyman  directly 
turned  to  the  twelfth  chapter  of  Proverbs,  verse  fourth, 
where  it  is  said,  "  A  virtuous  woman  is  a  crown  to  her 
husband." 

"  Thou  art  right,"  replied  the  Quaker,  "  in  thy  assertion. 
Solomon  was  a  wise  man :  here  is  thy  money,  which  thou 
hast  well  and  truly  earned." 


It  is  said  to  be  satisfactorily  demonstrated,  that  every 
time  a  wife  scolds  her  husband  she  adds  a  wrinkle  to  her 
face  !  It  is  thought  the  announcement  of  this  fact  will  have 
the  most  salutary  effect,  especially  as  it  is  understood  that 
every  time  a  wife  smiles  on  her  husband  it  will  remove  one 
of  the  old  wrinkles  ! 


Andrew  Jackson  was  once  making  a  stump  speech  out 
West,  in  a  small  village.  Just  as  he  was  concluding,  Amos 
Kendall,  who  sat  behind  him,  whispered,  "  Tip  'em  a  little 
Latin,  general :  they  won't  be  content  without  it."  Jackson 
instantly  thought  upon  a  few  phrases  he  knew,  and,  in  a 
voice  of  thunder,  wound  up  his  speech  by  exclaiming,  "^ 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  275 

pluribiis  unum,  sine  qua  non,  ne  pht3  ultra,  multum  in 
parvo  !"  The  effect  was  tremendous,  and  the  shouts  could 
be  heard  at  a  great  distance. 


In  examining  a  class  of  students,  Dr.  Abernethy  asked  one 
of  them  what  he  would  do  in  the  case  of  a  man  being  blown 
up  by  gunpowder.  "I  should  wait  till  he  came  down 
again,"  was  the  cool  reply. 


A  gentleman  visiting  Mr.  Wood's  school,  Edinburgh, 
had  a  book  put  into  his  hand  for  the  purpose  of  examining 
a  class.  The  word  inheritance  occurring  in  the  verse,  the 
querist  interrogated  the  youngster  as  follows  :  — 

"  "Wliat  is  inheritance  ?  " 

"  Patrimony." 

"  Wliat  is  patrimony  ?  " 

"  Something  left  by  a  father." 

"  What  would  you  call  it  if  left  by  a  mother  ?  " 

"  Matrinuyny." 

"  Dear  me,  bow  fluidly  he  does  talk  ! "  said  Mrs.  Parting- 
ton, recently,  at  a  temperance  lecture.  "I  am  always  re- 
joiced when  he  mounts  the  nostril,  for  his  eloquence  warms 
me  in  every  nerve  and  cartridge  of  my  body  ;  verdigreaso 
itself  couldn't  be  more  smooth  than  his  blessed  tongue  is." 
And  she  wiped  her  spectacles  with  her  cotton  bandanna, 
and  never  took  her  eyes  from  the  sjK'aker  during  the  whole 
hour  he  was  on  the  stand.  Women  are  curious  creatures, 
after  all ;  when  they  once  see  a  man  that  they  like,  they 
will  wati;h  him. 


A  physician,  who  lived  in  London,  visited  a  lady  who  re- 
sided at  Chelsea.  After  continuing  his  visits  for  some  time, 
the  lady  expressed  an  ajtprfthension  that  it  might  be  incon- 
venient for  him  to  come  so  far  on  her  account.    "  Oh  1  by  no 


276  MIRTHFULNESS. 

means,"  replied  the  doctor  :  "  I  have  another  patient  in  the 
neighborhood,  and  I  always  set  out  to  kill  two  birds  with 

one  stone  !  " 


Remarking  on  an  actress  of  Drury-Lane  Theatre,  re- 
markable for  her  coquetrj'-,  "  That  lady,"  said  Mr.  Garrick, 
"  is  like  those  sparkling  wines  which  every  one  tastes,  but 
none  buys." 


During  the  census  in  a  certain  city,  an  ancient  dame 
returned  herself  as  a  Congregational  decanter  ;  meaning,  in 
correct  language,  "  dissenter." 


A  gentleman  crossing  the  water  lately  below  Lime  House, 
where  laborers  were  at  work  in  a  tier  of  colliers,  and  wanting 
to  learn  the  price  of  coals  in  the  Pool,  hailed  one  of  the 
men  with,  "  Well,  Paddy,  how  are  coals  ?  " 

"  Black  as  ever,  your  Honor,"  replied  the  Irishman  with 
a  hearty  laugh. 

A  member  of  Parliament,  having  brought  in  a  bill  that  re- 
quired an  amendment,  which  was  denied  him  by  the  house, 
frequently  repeated  that  "  he  thirsted  to  mend  his  bill."  At 
length  another  member  rose  and  addressed  the  speaker, 
humbly  moving,  that,  "  as  the  honorable  member  who  spoke 
last  thirsted  so  very  much,  he  might  be  allowed  to  mend 
his  draught."  This  .put  the  house  into  good-humor,  and 
his  petition  was  granted. 


"  Have  you  the  Lays  of  the  Last  Minstrel  ?  "  said  a  city 
miss,  addressing  a  young  man  who  stood  behind  the  counter 
of  a  country  store. 

"  No,  we  haven't  any  o'  them  kind,"  said  the  clerk  ;  "  but 
we  have  good  fresh  hen's  eggs,  that  we  can  warrant  were 
laid  last  week." 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  277 

A  Scotch  blacksmith,  being  asked  the  meaning  of  meta- 
physics, explained  it  as  follows  :  "  When  he  who  listens  dinna 
ken  what  the  party  who  speaks  means,  and  when  the  party 
who  speaks  dinna  ken  what  he  means  himself,  that  is 
metaphysics." 


When  Foote  was  at  Salt  Hill,  he  dined  at  the  castle ;  and 
when  Partridge  produced  the  bill,  which  was  rather  exor- 
bitant, Foote  asked  him  his  name.  "  Partridge,  an't  please 
you,"  said  he.  "  Partridge  !  "  returned  Foote  :  "  it  should 
be  Woodcock,  by  the  length  of  your  bill." 


As  the  late   Prof.  H was  walking  near  Edinburgh, 

he  met  one  of  those  beings  usually  called  fools.  "  Pray," 
says  the  professor,  accosting  him,  "  how  long  can  a  man 
live  without  brains  ?  " 

"I  dinna  ken,"  replied  the  fellow,  scratching  his  head; 
"how  long  have  3'ou  lived  yoursel',  sir?" 


Councillor  Lamb,  an  old  man  when  Lord  Erskine  was  in 
the  height  of  his  reputation,  was  a  man  of  timid  manners 
and  nervous  di.sposition,  and  usually  prefaced  his  pleadings 
with  an  apology  to  that  effect.  On  one  occasion,  when 
opi)Osed  to  Erskine,  he  remarked  that  he  "  felt  himself 
growing  more  and  more  timid  us  he  grew  older." 

"No  wonder,"  replied  the  witly  but  relentless  barrister; 
"every  one  knows,  the  older  a  lamb  grpws,  the  more  sheei)- 
ish  he  becomes." 


The  first  time  the  musical  instniinent  callid  tJic  serpent 
was  used  in  a  concert  where  Ilaiidcl  presided,  he  w;us  so 
much  Hurpriscrd  with  the  coarseness  of  its  tones,  that  he 
called  out  hastily,  "Vat  do  deil  is  dat?"  On  being  in- 
formed it  was  the  8erj)cnt,  he  replied,  "  It  never  can  bo  do 
iK;ri>ent  vat  seduced  Eve." 


278  MIRTHFULNESS. 

"What  under  the  sun  can  cause  that  bell  to  ring  to- 
day ? "  said  one  man  to  another  as  they  were  approaching 
a  country  village. 

"  If  I  was  to  express  my  candid,  unbiassed  opinion,"  was 
the  reply,  "I  should  say  that  some  one  was  pulling  the 
rope." 


"Now  then,  Thomas,  what  are  you  burning  from  my 
writing-table  ? "  said  an  author  to  his  servant. 

"  Only  the  paper  that's  written  all  over ;  I  haven't 
touched  the  clean,'-  was  the  reply. 


"  Well,  G ,  how  do  you  like  your  profession  ?  "  asked 

a  friend  of  a  young  lawyer  who  had  been  lately  admitted  to 
the  bar. 

"My  profession  is  better  than  my  practice"  was  the 
reply. 


"  Look  here,  Pete,"  said  a  knowing  darky ;  "  don't  stand 
dar  on  the  railroad." 

"Why,  Joe?" 

"  Kase,  if  de  cars  see  that  mouf  ob  yours,  dey  tink  it  am 
de  depo',  and  run  rite  in." 


"  I  say,  Dick,  don't  you  think  that  if  the  women  had  to 
do  the  fighting,  instead  of  the  men,  they  would  make  cruel 
work  of  it  ?  " 

"No.     Why  do  you  ask  ?  " 

"  Because  they  have  such  an  engaging  way  with  them." 

"  That's  very  true  ;  but  then  they  have  such  a  captivating 
way,  that  there  would  doubtless  be  more  prisoners  than 
killed." 


You  often  hear  of  man  being  in  advance  of  his  age;  but 
you  never  heard  of  a  woman  being  in  the  same  predica- 
ment. 


MISCELLAXEOUS   ANECDOTES.  279 

"  My  dear,  what  shall  we  name  bub  ?  " 
"  Wlij,  huz,  I've  settled  on  Peter." 

"  I  never  knew  a  man  by  the  simple  name  of  Peter  that 
could  ever  earn  his  salt." 

"  Well,  then  call  him  Salt  Peter." 


"  I  don't  know  where  that  boy  got  his  temper.     He  did 
not  take  it  from  me." 

*'  No,  no,  my  dear;  I  cannot  see  that  you  have  lost  any." 


A  lawyer,  not  over  young  and  handsome,  in  examining 
a  young  lady  in  court,  complimented  her  on  her  personal 
beauty. 

"  Were  I  not  under  oath  to  tell  nothing  but  the  truth," 
she  replied,  "  I  would  return  the  compliment." 


"Pray,    Miss   C ,"  said   a   gentleman,   one  evening, 

"  why  are  ladies  so  fond  of  officers  ? " 

'•  How  stupid  !  "  replied  ^Miss  C .     "  Is  it  not  natural 

and  proper  that  a  lady  should  like  a  good  offer,  sir?" 


A  gentleman,  whose  order  was  largely  developed,  had  a 
clerk  in  his  employ  wlio.se  habits  about  the  office  were  any 
thing  but  ord<'rly.  Nothing  under  his  hand  had  a  fixed 
locality,  and  every  thing  was  at  odds  and  ends.  This  care- 
lessness brought  out  a  reproof  from  the  employer,  who,  after 
a  general  lecture  on  the  subject  of  mal-arraugements,  quoted 
the  old  precept,  and  said,  — 

"  Sir,  you  shoulil  have  a  place  for  every  thing." 
"  I  have,  sir,"  replied  the  junior,   "a  great  many  i)lace8 
for  every  thing." 

"  Bill,  you  young  scamp,  if  you  had  your  due,  you'd  got 
a  good  whipping." 

"  I  know  it,  daddy ;  but  bilh  are  not  always  paid  when 
dm." 


280  MIRTHFULNESS. 

"  Sir,"  said  a  little  Mustering  man  ta  his  religious  oppo- 
nent in  front  of  the  Tremont  Temple  on  a  Sunday  even- 
ing, "  I  say,  sir,  to  what  sect  do  you  think  I  belong  ?  " 

"  Well,  I  don't  exactly  know,"  replied  the  other ;  "  but,  to 
judge  from  your  make,  size,  and  appearance,  I  should  say 
you  belonged  to  a  class  called  the  insect" 


"  Pa,  what  makes  the  people  go  to  hear  Webster,  if  they 
have  all  got  to  be  put  in  irons  ?  " 

"  To  be  put  in  irons  !     Cimon,  what  do  you  mean  ?  " 

"  Why,  the  papers  say,  that,  at  his  great  speech  t'other 
day,  the  entire  audience  were  chained  to  the  spot." 

"  Susan,  put  this  boy  to  bed  as  quick  as  possible." 


A  little  boy,  four  or  five  years  old,  was  much  vexed  with 
his  grandmother  for  boxing  his  ears  ;  but,  not  daring  to  ex- 
press his  feelings  directly  to  the  old  lady,  he  took  up  his 
favorite  cat,  and,  stroking  her  back,  thus  addressed  her :  — 

"  Well,  pussy,  I  wish  one  of  us  three  was  dead ;  and  it 
ain't  you,  pussy,  and  it  ain't  me  ! " 


A  down-easter  lately  came  to  New  York,  and  took  lodg- 
ings at  one  of  the  high  houses.  Telling  the  waiter  he 
wished  to  be  called  in  the  morning  for  the  boat,  both  of 
them  proceeded  on  their  winding  way  upwards,  till  hav- 
ing arrived  at  the  eighth  flight  of  stairs,  when  Jonathan 
caught  the  arm  of  his  guide,  and  accosted  him  thus  :  — 

"  Look  here,  stranger !  if  you  intend  to  call  me  at  six 
o'clock  in  the  morning,  you  might  as  well  do  it  now;  as 
'twill  be  that  time  afore  I  can  get  down  again.'" 


At  the  time  when  Whitefield  was  in  Boston,  drawing 
crowds  to  listen  to  his  eloquence,  Dr.  Byles  remarked  one 
day,  that  he  would  "  go  sooner  to  hear  Whitefield  than  any 
other  preacher."     The   person  addressed  marvelled  at  the 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  281 

remark,  because  WhitefielJ's  doctrines  were  not  consonant 
with  the  doctor's  feelings ;  and  he  said  to  liim,  "  Why  so, 
doctor?"  —  "Because,"  said  the  wag,  "if  I  didn't,  I 
couldn't  get  in." 

^lany  years  ago,  in  Connecticut,  a  certain  justice  was  to 
liberate  a  worthless  debtor  by  receiving  his  oath  that  he 
was  not  wortli  five  pounds. 

"Well,  Johnny,"  said  the  justice  as  he  entered,  "can 
you  swear  that  you  are  not  worth  five  pounds,  and  never 
will  be  ?  " 

"  AVhy,"  answered  the  other,  rather  chagrined  at  the 
question,  "  I  can  swear  that  I  am  not  worth  that  amount 
at  pvp-aent.^^ 

"  Well,  well,"  returned  the  justice,  "  I  can  swear  to  the 
rest ;  so  step  forward,  Johnny." 


At  one  time,  Daniel  Webster  had  a  difficult  case  to 
plead,  and  a  verdict  was  rendered  against  his  client.  One 
of  the  witnesses  came  to  him,  and  said,  "  Mr.  Webster,  if 
I  ha^l  thought  we  should  have  lost  the  case,  I  might  have 
testified  a  great  deal  more  than  I  did."  —  "It's  of  no  con- 
sequence," replied  the  lawyer:  "the  jury  did  not  believe  a 
word  you  said." 

A  Dutchman  in  Albany,  some  time  back,  went  out  to  his 
milkman  in  the  street  with  a  dish  in  ciu-h  hand,  instead  of 
cue,  as  usual.  The  disjx-nser  of  attenuated  milk  asked  him 
if  he  wished  him  to  fill  both  vessels.  The  Dutthman  re- 
plied, suiting  the  action  to  the  word,  "  Dis  is  for  de  inilluk, 
and  dis  for  do  watery  and  I  will  mix  dem  to  shuto 
miueself." 

A  Western  orator  declared  from  the  "stump,"  that  "lie 
was  bora  at  a  very  curly  period  of  life." 


282  MIRTHFULNESS. 

A  clergyman,  preaching  in  the  city  of  London,  took 
occasion  to  reprove  some  of  his  congregation  for  sleeping  in 
church,  and  observed  that  many  arguments  could  not  be 
necessary  to  show  the  enormity  of  that  offence,  as  it  was 
one  of  those  sins  which  people  must  commit  with  their  eyes 
open. 

Two  lawyers,  when  a  knotty  case  was  o'er, 

Shook  hands,  and  were  as  good  friends  as  before. 

*'  Say,"  cries  the  losing  client,  "  how  came  you 

To  be  such  friends,  who  were  such  foes  just  now  ?  " 

"  Thou  fool ! ''  one  answers,  "  lawyers,  though  so  keen, 

Like  shears,  ne'er  cut  themselves,  but  what's  between." 


"  I  wish  you  would  not  smoke  cigars,"  said  a  black-eyed 

girl  to  her  lover. 

"  Why  not  I  smoke,  as  well  as  your  chimney  ?  " 

"  Because  chimneys  don't  smoke  when  they  are  in  good 

order." 


"  Are  you  an  Odd  Fellow  ?  " 
"  No,  sir :  I've  been  married  for  a  week." 
"  I  mean,  do  you  belong  to  the  order  of  Odd  Fellows  ?  '* 
"No,  no  :  I  belong  to  the  order  of  married  men." 
"  Mercy  !  how  dumb  !     Are  you  a  Mason  ?  " 
"  No :  I'm  a  carpenter  by  trade." 

"  Worse  and  worse.     Are  you  a  Son  of  Temperance  ?  " 
"■  Bother  you !   no :   I'm  a  son  of  Mr.   John  Gosling." 
The  querist  went  away. 


Dr.  Brown  courted  a  lady  unsuccessfully  for  many  years, 
during  which  time  he  every  day  drank  her  health ;  but 
being  observed  at  last  to  omit  the  custom,  a  gentleman 
said,  "Come,  doctor,  your  old  toast."  —  "Excuse  me,"  said 
he:  "as  I  cannot  make  her  Brown,  I'll  toast  her  no  longer." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  283 

"  You  saved  my  life  on  one  occasion,"  said  a  beggar  to 
a  captain,  under  whom  he  had  served. 

"  In  what  way  ?  " 

"  Why,  I  served  under  you  in  battle ;  and  when  you  ran 
away,  I  followed." 


Judge  Jeffrey,  of  notorious  memory,  pointing  to  a  man 
with  his  cane  who  was  to  be  tried,  said,  "There's  a  great 
rogue  at  the  end  of  my  cane."  The  man  to  whom  ho 
pointed  asked,  "  Which  end,  your  Honor  ?  " 


A  famous  usurer  of  Paris  being  on  his  death-bed,  his 
confessor  presented  a  silver  crucifix  to  him,  with  a  view  to 
awaken  him  to  a  sense  of  his  situation.  The  dying  miser, 
after  examining  the  cross  with  the  most  minute  attention, 
suddenly  exclaimed,  "  Sir,  I  can  lend  you  but  a  very  small 
sum  upon  such  a  pledge." 


A  clergyman,  having  preached  during  Lent  in  a  small 
town  where  he  had  not  been  once  invited  to  dinner,  said,  in 
a  sermon  exhorting  his  parishioners  against  being  seduced 
by  the  prevailing  vices  of  the  age,  "  I  have  preached  against 
every  vice  but  luxuriou.s  living,  having  })ad  no  ojjportunity 
of  observing  to  what  extent  it  is  carried  in  this  town." 


A  mini.ster  was  walking  out  one  da}',  and  passed  two 
little  boys,  one  of  whom  made  a  Imjw.  Ah  he  turned  liis 
back,  he  lieard  th(^  following  amusing  (conversation:  — 

"  Why,  John,  didn't  you  know  that  was  I'arson  M.  ?  " 

"  Ye.s,  of  course  1  did." 

"  Well,  why  did  you  not  make  a  bow  to  him  ?  " 

"  Why,  my  mother  don't  belong  to  his  church." 


A  High  Chufflnnan  wan  once  a.skc-d  what  made  his  library 
look  80  thin.     His  reply  wa.s,  "  My  books  all  keep  Lent." 


284  MIETHFULNESS. 

A  judge  once  reprimanded  a  lawyer  for  bringing  several 
small  suits  into  court,  remarking  that  it  would  have  been 
better  for  the  parties  in  each  case  had  he  persuaded  his 
clients  to  an  arbitration  of  some  two  or  three  honest  men. 
''  Please  your  Honor,"  retorted  the  lawyer,  "  we  did  not 
choose  to  trouble  honest  men  with  them." 


A  painter,  having  turned  physician,  was  asked  the  reason. 
"  Because,"  replied  he,  "  my  former  business  exhibited  my 
mistakes  in  too  glaring  a  manner;  therefore  I  have  now 
chosen  one  in  which  they  will  all  be  buried." 


A  jury  of  twelve  "wise  men"  returned  a  verdict  of  not 
guilty  in  a  case  respecting  a  female  prisoner,  but  accom- 
panied it  with  the  hope  that  she  would  never  be  guilty  of 
a  like  offence  again  ! 


An  attorney,  about  to  finish  a  bill  of  costs,  was  requested 
by  his  client,  a  baker,  to  "make  it  as  light  as  possible." 

"  Ah  !  "  replied  the  attorney,  "  that's  what  you  may  say  to 
your  foreman,  but  it's  not  the  way  I  make  my  bread." 


A  lawyer  wrote  "  Rascal "  in  the  hat  of  his  brother-law- 
yer, who,  on  discovering  it,  entered  a  complaint  in  open 
court  against  the  trespasser,  who,  he  said,  had  not  only 
taken  his  hat,  but  had  written  his  own  name  in  it. 


A  fellow  with  a  scolding  wife,  hearing  that  the  dumb 
ague  prevailed  in  a  certain  region,  proposed  making  his 
home  there. 


"  What  did  you  give  for  that  horse,  Jones  ?  " 
"  My  note,"  was  the  reply. 

"  You  got  him  cheap,  I  must   confess ;  but  the  man  of 
whom,  you  purchased  him  must  be  a  sufferer." 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  285 

i 

A  lady  wrote  upon  a  window  some  verses  intimating  her 
intention  of  never  marrying.  A  gentleman  wrote  the  fol- 
lowing lines  underneath  :  — 

"  The  lady  who  this  resolution  took 
Wrote  it  on  glass  to  show  it  could  be  broke." 


"  I  fear,"  said  a  country  minister  to  his  congregation, 
"  when  I  told  you  in  my  last  charity-sermon  that  pliilan- 
thropy  was  the  love  of  our  species,  you  must  have  under- 
stood me  to  say  specie,  which  may  account  for  the  smalliiess 
of  your  contributions." 


A  negro  once  gave  the  following  toast :  "  De  Gubenior 
ob  our  State.  He  come  in  wid  very  little  opposition  :  he 
go  out  wid  none  at  all." 


A  country  trader,  purchasing  goods  in  Boston,  was  asked 
if  he  did  not  want  some  half-mourning  goods. 

"  I  think  I  will  take  a  lot,"  was  the  reply,  "  as  many 
people  up  our  way  appear  to  be  about  half  dead.'' 


A  Frenchman  translating  an  English  book  into  his  own 
language,  on  coming  to  the  words  *'  chestnut  horse,"  trans- 
lated them,  "  a  horse  made  of  chestnuts." 


Rev.  Dr.  li.  having  inadvertently  preached  one  of  his 
sermons  for  the  third  time,  one  of  his  parishioners  said  to 
him,  after  service,  "  Do<;tor,  the  sermon  you  preached  to  us 
this  morning  having  ha<l  three  several  readings,  I  move 
that  it  be  passed." 

"What  is  that  dug  barking  at?"  asked  a  fop,  whose 
boots  were  more  polishefl  than  his  ideas. 

"  Why,''  replied  a  bystander,  "  he  is  barking  at  ancjther 
puppy,  which  he  sees  in  your  boots." 


* 


286  MIRTHFULNESS. 

Queen  Elizabeth  entering  Bristol,  a  speech  was  to  be 
delivered  to  her.  The  honest  man  appointed  to  perform 
this  service  began  :  "  May  it  please  your  sacred  majesty, 
I  am  the  mouth  of  the  town  ;  "  and  then,  all  amazed,  forgot 
the  rest.  The  queen,  sporting,  said,  once  or  twice,  "  Speak, 
good  mouth  ! " 

"  Mother,"  sjlid  a  bright-eyed  girl  of  thirteen  years  of 
age,  "  may  I  be  married  ?  " 
"No." 

"Why  not  ?      You  have  been." 
"  I  know  I  have,  and  have  seen  the  folly  of  it." 
"  Well,  I  want  to  see  the  folly  of  it  too." 


A  shopkeeper  had  obtained  the  name  of  little  rascal.  A. 
stranger  asked  him  why  he  had  received  this  appellation. 
"  To  distinguish  me  from  the  rest  of  my  trade,"  said  he, 
"  who  are  all  great  rascals." 


A  poor  German,  a  relative  of  John  Jacob  Astor,  once 
applied  to  him  for  charity.  Mr.  Astor  gave  him  a  five-dol- 
lar bill. 

"Why,"  said  the  disconcerted  relative,  "your  son  just 
gave  me  ten  dollars." 

"  Well  he  may  !  "  said  the  old  man  :  "  the  dog  has  a  rich 
father." 


A  member  of  a  legislature,  who  indulged  in  afternoon 
naps,  requested  his  friend  to  awaken  him  when  the  lumber 
act  came  on.  His  friend  omitted  it  by  forgetfulness,  but 
accidentally  gave  him  a  jog  as  the  house  was  discussing  a 
bill  to  prevent  fraud.  The  sleeper  started  up  suddenly, 
rubbed  his  eyes,  and  exclaimed,  "  Mr.  Speaker,  a  word  or 
two  upon  that  bill,  for  more  than  half  of  my  constituents 
get  their  living  no  other  way." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  287 

A  clerfjyman  preached  a  sermon  which  one  of  his  auditors 
commended.  "  Yes,"  said  a  gentleman  to  whom  it  was 
mentioned,  "  it  was  a  good  sermon,  but  he  stole  it."  This 
was  told  the  preacher,  wlio  was  very  angry,  and  called  on 
the  gentleman  to  retract  his  words. 

"I  am  not,"  replied  the  aggressor,  ''in  the  habit  of  tak- 
ing back  what  I  have  said ;  but  in  this  instance  I  will.  I 
said  you  stole  the  sermon.  I  was  wrong ;  for,  on  referring 
to  the  book  from  whence  I  thought  it  was  taken,  I  found  it 
there ! " 


"Husband,  I  hope  you  have  no  objection  to  my  being 
weighed." 

"  Certainly  not,  my  dear ;  but  why  do  you  ask  the 
question  ?  " 

"  Only  to  see,  love,  if  you  would  let  me  have  my  weigh 


once." 


**  My  brethren,"  said  Dean  Swift  in  a  sermon,  "  there  are 
three  kinds  of  pride, — of  birth,  of  riches,  and  of  talent. 
I  shall  not  speak  of  the  latter,  none  of  you  being  liable  to 
that  abominable  vice." 


A  peddler  was  offering  Yankee  clocks,  with  a  looking-glass 
in  front,  to  a  very  homely  lady.  "  Wh}-,  it's  beautiful," 
said  the  vender. 

"  Beautiful,  indeed !  a  look  at  it  almost  frightens  me  ! " 
said  the  lady. 

"Then,  marm,"  replied  Jonathan,  "I  guess  you'd  better 
buy  one  that  hain't  got  no  looking-glass  in  it." 


A  foj),  dining  at  a  fashionable  hotel,  was  ri'cjuested  by  ft 
gentleman  to  piiKs  him  some  article  of  food.  "  Do  you 
mistake  nie  for  a  waiter?"  said  the  exqui-sitf. 

"No,  »ir:  I  mistook  you  for  a  gentlemun,"  wan  tho 
sarcastic  reply. 


288  MIRTHFULNESS. 

An  ignoramus,  in  giving  orders  for  a  library,  requested 
the  bookseller  to  furnish  him  all  the  works  of  Pope,  Milton, 
and  Shakspeare  ;  and  added,  "  If  those  fellows  publish  any 
thing  new,  don't  fail  to  let  me  have  them." 


"  What  are  you  going  to  give  me  for  a  Christmas  pres- 
ent ?  "  asked  a  gay  damsel  of  her  lover. 

"  I  have  nothing  to  give  but  my  humble  self/'  was  the 
reply. 

"  The  smallest  favors  gratefully  received,"  was  the  merry 
response  of  the  lady. 

"  Pa,  isn't  that  man  in  what  they  call  the  springtime 
of  life  ?  " 

"  Why,  my  son  ?  " 

"  Because  he  looks  so  very  green." 


A  clergyman  was  censuring  a  lady  for  tight  lacing. 
"  Why,"  replied  she,  "  would  you  recommend  loose  habits 
to  your  parishioners  ?  " 


A  young  lady  being  asked  by  a  bore  of  a  politician  which 
party  she  preferred,  replied,  "  A  wedding-party." 


A  Scotch  clergyman,  a  strict  catechist,  in  examining  one 
of  his  flock,  thus  addressed  her :  '^  Janet,  can  you  tell  me 
how  Adam  fell  ?  " 

Janet  fell  a-laughing,  and  answered,  ''  0  me  bonnie 
dear  doctor,  you're  na  serious  !  " 

"Very  serious  indeed,"  said  the  doctor. 

Janet   (whose    husband's    name  was  Adam)   then  said,. 
"  Weel,  weel,  sin  ye  will   ha't,  doctor,  you   see,  'Adam  just 
gaed  o'er  the  tither  night  to  Lucky  Liston's  for  half  a  much- 
kin  o'  whiskey,  when  an  oar  lying  on  the  road  took  his  foot, 
and  o'er  fell  Adam  j  and  that's  the  hale  truth  o'  the  matter." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  289 

A  poor  son  of  Crispin  having  secured  a  steak  for  his  din- 
ner, found  he  had  no  other  instrument  with  whicli  to 
prepare  his  meat  for  mastication  than  an  awL  With  this 
he  hegan  the  operation,  saying,  "  My  awl  is  at  stake." 


A  very  ignorant  person  being  complimented  on  his  good 
sense  in  the  presence  of  a  clever  young  lady,  "  I  don't 
wonder,"  said  she  archly,  "at  his  possessing  a  large  stock 
of  good  sense,  for  he  never  wastes  any." 


A  witness  was  examined  before  a  judge  in  a  case,  who 
required  him  to  repeat  the  precise  words  spoken.  The  wit- 
ness hesitated  until  he  riveted  the  attention  of  the  whole 
court  upon  him  ;  then,  fixing  his  eyes  earnestly  on  the  judge, 
began :  "  May  it  please  your  Honor,  you  lie  and  steal,  and 
get  your  living  by  stealing !  "  The  face  of  the  judge  red- 
dened, and  he  immediately  exclaimed,  "  Turn  to  the  jury, 
sir ! " 


A  'Mr.  Fuller  and  a  Mr.  Sparrowhawk  walking  together, 
among  other  merry  discourse,  says  Fuller,  '•  What  is  the 
difference  between  an  owl  and  a  sparrowhawk  ?  " 

"  Oh  !  "  says  Sparrowhawk,  "'tis  fuller  in  the  face,  fuller 
in  the  body,  and  fuller  all  over." 


"Do  you  know,"  said  a  tunning  Vankee  to  a  Jew,  ''that 
they  hang  Jews  and  jackasses  together  in  Poland  ?  " 

"  Indeed,  brother;  then  it's  well  you  and  I  are  not  there." 


The   following  notice  was  once   fixed   upon  tlio  chureh- 

door  of  Ludford,  in  Hertfordshire,  and  read  in    the  church: 

"This  is  to  give  notice  that   no   person   is  to  be  huried  in 

this  chunthyard    but  those ///-/wy  in   tlie  parish;  and   those 

who  wuh  to  be  hurinl  are  desired  to  apply  to  nje. 

"EriiKAiM  Gkuu,  Parish  Clerks 
19 


290  MIETHFULNESS. 

In  former  times,  it  was  a  maxim  "that  a  young  woman 
should  not  marry  until  she  had  spun  herself  a  set  of  body 
and  table  linen.  From  this  custom,  all  unmarried  women 
were  termed  spinsters,  —  an  appellation  they  still  retain  in 
England,  in  all  deeds  and  legal  proceedings. 


A  clergyman,  having  but  little  practical  knowledge  of 
horses,  was  called  to  testify  in  an  English  court  with  regard 
to  the  soundness  of  a  horse.  He  .  was  very  confused  in 
giving  his  evidence ;  and  a  furious,  blustering  counsellor, 
who  examined  him,  was  at  last  tempted  to  say,  "  Pray,  sir, 
do  you  know  the  difference  between  a  horse  and  a  cow  ?  '' 

'•'  I  acknowledge  my  ignorance,"  said  the  parson :  "  I 
hardly  know  the  difference  between  a  horse  and  a  cow,  or  a 
bully  and  a  bull ;  only  that  a  bull,  I  am  told,  has  horns,  and 
a  bully,  I  see,"  bowing  respectfully  to  the  counsellor,  "  luck- 
ily for  me,  has  none." 

"  Why  did  Adam  bite  the  apple  ?  "  said  a  schoolmaster  to 
a  country  lad.    "  Because  he  had  no  knife,"  said  the  urchin. 


A  prince,  laughing  at  one  of  his  courtiers  whom  he  had 
employed  in  several  embassies,  told  him  he  looked  like  an 
owl.  "  I  know  not  what  I  look  like,"  answered  the  courtier, 
"  but  this  I  know,  that  I  have  had  the  honor,  several  times, 
to  represent  your  Majesty  in  person." 


Dr.  A •,  physician  at  Newcastle,  being  summoned  to 

a  vestry  in  order  to  reprimand  the  sexton  for  drunkenness, 
dwelt  so  long  on  the  sexton's  misconduct  as  to  raise  his 
indignation,  so  as  to  draw  from  him  this  expression :  "  Sir, 
I  was  in  hopes  you  would  have  treated  my  failings  with 
more  gentleness,  or  that  you  would  have  been  the  last  man 
alive  to  appear  against  me,  as  I  have  covered  so  many  of 
your  blundersJ' 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  291 

A  healthy  old  gentleman  was  once  asked  by  the  king 
what  physician  and  apothecary  he  made  use  of  to  look  so 
well  at  his  time  of  life.  ''  Sir/'  replied  the  gentleman,  "  my 
physician  has  always  been  a  horse,  and  my  apothecary  an 
ass." 


A  finished  coquette,  at  a  ball,  asked  a  gentleman  near 
her  whether  he  could  flirt  a  fan  which  she  held  in  her  hand. 

"  No,  madam,"  answered  he,  proceeding  to  use  it;  "  but  I 
ciiu  fan  a  flirt." 


Tlie  Duke  d'Orsuna,  being  Viceroy  of  Naples,  went  on 
board  a  Spanish  galley,  on  a  festival,  to  exercise  his  right 
of  delivering  one  of  the  wretches  from  punishment.  On 
interrogating  them  why  thoy  were  brought  there,  they  all 
asserted  their  innocence  but  one,  who  confessed  that  his 
punishment  was  too  small  for  his  crimes.  The  duke  said, 
"  Here,  take  away  this  rascal,  lest  he  should  corrupt  all 
these  honest  men." 


A  painter  was  emplo3'ed  in  painting  a  West-India  ship 
in  the  river,  suspended  on  a  stage  under  the  ship's  stern. 
The  captain,  who  had  just  got  alongside  for  the  purpose  of 
going  on  shore,  ordered  the  boy  to  let  go  the  painter  (the 
rope  wliich  makes  fast  the  boat).  The  boy  instantly  went 
'aft,  and  let  go  the  rope  by  which  the  painter's  stage  wa.s 
held.  The  captain,  surprised  at  the  boy's  delay,  cried  out, 
'•  You  lazy  dug,  why  <Ion't  you  let  go  the  painter  ?  "  The 
boy  r('])lied,  "  Jle^s  ijone,  sir,  2)ots  and  all." 


Sheridan  made  his  appearance,  one  day,  in  a  pair  of  new 
boots.  Tliese  attracting  the  notice  of  Homo  of  liis  frinids, 
"Now  puesH,"  said  he,  "how  I  caino  by  these  boots." 
Many  probaJdc  gue.sses  then  took  pl;u*e.  "  No,"  Haid  SIhtI- 
dfii,  "  no,  you've  not  liit  it,  nor  fvir  will.  I  l>ought  tiMiii 
and  paid  for  them." 


292  MIRTIIFULNESS. 

"When  Sir  Elijah  Impey,  the  Indian  judge,  was  on  his 
passage  home,  as  he  was  one  day  walking  the  deck,  it  hav- 
ing blown  pretty  hard  the  preceding  day,  a  shark  was  play- 
ing by  the  side  of  the  ship.  Haying  never  seen  such  an 
object  before,  he  called  one  of  the  sailors  to  tell  him  what 
it  was.  "  Why,"  replied  the  tar,  "  I  don't  know  what  name 
they  know  them  by  ashore,  but  here  we  call  them  ^sea- 
lawyers.^  " 

Lady  Bath,  with,  an  unbearable  temper,  had  a  great  deal 
of  wit.  Lord  Bath,  saying  to  her,  in  one  of  her  passions, 
"  Pray,  my  dear,  keep  your  temper,"  she  replied,  "  Keep 
my  temper !  I  don't  like  it  so  well,  and  I  wonder  you 
should." 


Mr.  Pope,  sneering  at  the  ignorance  of  a  young  man, 
asked  him  if  he  knew  what  an  interrogation  was.  "  Yes, 
sir,"  said  he  :  "  'tis  a  little  crooked  thing  that  asks  questions." 

A  gentleman  having  received  some  abuse,  in  passing 
through  an  inn  in  chancery,  from  some  of  the  impudent 
clerks,  he  was  advised  to  complain  to  the  principal,  which 
he  did  accordingly ;  and,  coming  before  him,  accosted  him 
in  the  following  manner :  "  I  have  been  grossly  abused  here 
by  some  of  the  rascals  of  this  house ;  and,  understanding 
you  are  the  principal,  I  am  come  to  acquaint  you  with  it."  ^ 


A  mischievous  boy,  having  got  possession  of  his  grand- 
father's spectacles,  privately  took  out  the  glasses  ;  and  when 
the  old  gentleman  put  them  on,  finding  he  could  not  see, 
he  exclaimed,  "Mercy  on  me!  Pve  lost  my  sight;"  but, 
thinking  the  impediment  to  vision  might  be  the  dirtiness 
of  the  glasses,  took  them  off  to  wipe  them,  when,  not  feel- 
ing them,  he,  still  more  frightened,  cried  out,  "  Why,  what's 
come  now  ?     Why,  Pve  lost  my  feeling  too  ! " 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  293 

A  certain  lodging-house  was  very  much  infested  by  ver- 
min. A  gentleman  who  slept  there  one  night  told  the 
landlady  so  in  the  morning,  when  she  said,  "No,  sir,  we 
haven't  a  single  bug  in  the  house." 

"  No,  ma'am,"  said  he :  "  they  are  all  married,  and  have 
large  families  too." 


A  person  who  was  famous  for  arriving  just  at  dinner- 
time, upon  going  to  a  friend,  where  he  was  a  frequent  vis- 
itor, was  asked  by  the  lady  of  the  house  if  he  would  do  as 
they  did.  On  his  replying  he  should  be  happy  to  have  the 
pleasure,  she  replied,  ^'  Dine  at  hom^,  then."  He,  of  course, 
received  his  quietus,  for  some  time  at  least. 


A  shoemaker  having  heard  the  famous  Thomas  Fuller 
repeat  some  verses  on  a  scolding  wife,  was  so  delighted  with 
them  as  to  request  a  copy.  "There  is  no  necessity  for 
that,"  said  Fuller,  "  as  you  have  got  the  original." 


"Why  do  you   not  admire   my  daughter?"  said   Lady 
Archer  to  a  nobleman. 

"  Because,"  replied  he,  "I  am  no  judge  of  painting." 
"  But,  surely,"  replied  her  ladyship,  not  in  the  least  dis- 
concerted by  this  rude  reflection,  "  you  never  saw  an  angel 
that  was  not  painted." 


A  countryman  was  driving  an  xss  by  St.  James's  gate  one 
day,  which,  being  dull  and  restive,  ho  was  forced  to  beat 
very  much.  A  gentleman  coming  out  of  the  gate,  chid  the 
fellow  for  using  his  beast  HO  cruelly.  "Oh,  dear!  sir,"  said 
the  countryman,  "I  am  glad  to  find  my  ass  has  a  friend  at 


court." 


An  old  RoundheiKl  in  Oliver's  time  comjilaining  of  sorao 
^    heavy  rain   that  fell,  said  u  Cavalier  standing  by,  "  What 


294  MIRTHFIJLNESS. 

unreasonable  fellows  you  Roundheads  are,  who  will  neither 
be  pleased  when  God  rains,  nor  when  the  king  reigns ! " 


A  gentleman  having  occasion  to  call  on  Mr.  Joseph 
G n,  a  writer,  found  him  at  home  in  his  writing-cham- 
ber. He  remarked  upon  the  great  heat  of  the  apartment, 
and  said  "  it  was  as  hot  as  an  oven."  —  "  So  it  ought  to  be," 
replied  Mr.  G n  j  "  for  'tis  here  I  make  my  bread." 


'  Mrs.  Drummond,  a  famous  preacher  amongst  the  Quakers, 
being  asked  by  a  gentleman  if  the  spirit  had  never  in- 
spired her  with  thoughts  of  marriage,  "  No,  friend,"  says 
she :  "  but  flesh  and  blood  often  have." 


A  young  woman,  not  averse  to  matrimony,  requested  her 
father  to  look  out  a  husband  for  her.  Surprised  at  her  im- 
promptu, he  made  use  of  the  quotation  from  St.  Paul : 
"  They  who  marry,  do  well ;  but  they  who  do  not,  do 
better."  —  ''  Well,"  says  she,  "let  me  do  well;  and  let  who 
will,  do  better.'' 


A  father  chiding  his  son  for  not  leaving  his  bed  at  an 
earlier  hour,  told  him,  as  an  inducement,  that  a  certain  man, 
being  up  betimes,  found  a  purse  of  gold.  "  It  might  be  so," 
replied  the  son ;  "  but  he  that  lost  it  was  up  before  him." 


A  gentleman  who  went  to  hire  a  house,  asked  the  maid- 
servant of  the  family  occupying  the  house,  —  a  very  hand- 
some girl,  —  whether  she  was  to  be  let  with  the  house. 
She  answered,  "  No  :  she  was  to  be  let  alone." 


A  steward  wrote  to  a  bookseller  in  London  for  some  books 
to  fit  up  his  master's  library.  "  In  the  first  place,  I  want 
for  the  vacant  shelves  six  feet  of  theology,  the  same 
quantity  of  school  metaphysics,  and  near  a  yard  of  old  civil 
law  in  folio." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  29'> 

A  gentleman  observed  one  day  to  Mr.  Henry  Erskin«, 
who  was  a  great  punster,  that  punning  was  tlie  loivest  sort 
of  wit.  "  It  is  so,"  answered  he  ;  "  and  therefore  the  foun- 
dation of  all  wit." 


A  father  was  going  to  preach  upon  the  text  of  the 
Samaritan  woman ;  and,  after  reading  it,  he  said,  "  Do  not 
wonder,  my  beloved,  that  the  text  is  so  long ;  for  it  is  a 
woman  that  speaks." 

A  physician  travelled  in  Cambridgeshire,  and  found  the 
roads  so  inaccessible  around  the  town,  that  he  repaired  to 
the  rector  of  the  parish,  and  exclaimed,  "Ah,  sir!  you  may 
preach  long  enough  ;  but  your  parishioners  \o\\  never  mend 
their  ways." 

All  the  teeth  of  a  talkative  lady  being  loose,  she  asked 
the  Chevalier  Raspini  the  cause  of  it,  who  answered,  "  It 
did  proceed  from  de  violent  shocks  her  ladyslxip  did  give 
them  with  her  tongue." 

An  old  offender  was  lately  brought  before  a  learned  jus- 
tice of  the  peace.  The  constable,  as  a  proliniinary,  informed 
Ills  worsliip  that  he  had  in  custody  John  Simmons,  alias 
Jones,  alias  Smith. 

"Very  well,"  said  the  magistrate,  "I  will  try  the  two 
women  first.     Bring  in  Alice  Jones." 


A  gentleman,  whose  nose  and  chin  were  both  very  lonjj. 
hail  lost  his  teeth,  whereby  the  nose  and  chin  wen- 
brought  together.  "  I  am  afraid  your  nose,  and  chin  will 
fight  before  long;  they  approa<-h  each  other  very  mena- 
cingly," said  one  to  liim.  "  I  aiii  afraid  of  it  niysi-lf." 
replied  the  gentleman;  "for  a  great  nuuiy  words  Imvo 
pas.Hcd  between  them  already." 


296  MIETHFULNESS. 

Two  country  attorneys,  overtaking  a  wagoner  on  the 
road,  and  thinking  to  he  witty  upon  him,  asked  why  his 
fore  horse  was  so  fat,  and  the  others  so  lean.  The  wagoner, 
knowing  them,  answered,  "  that  his  fore  horse  was  a  lawyer, 
and  the  others  were  his  clients." 


A  person,  complaining  to  another  of  the  want  of  liberty 
in  their  country,  was  answered,  "  Surely  you  have  liberty 
to  live  and  do  as  you  like."  — ''  Oh !  yes,"  rejoined  the 
other ;  "  but  I  want  to  have  liberty  to  make  others  do  as  I 
like." 


A  preacher  who  advised  a  drowsy  hearer  to  take  a  pinch 
of  snuff  occasionally  at  service  to  keep  him  awake,  was 
advised  in  his  turn  to  put  the  snuff  in  his  sermon. 

A  man  lately  confined  in  a  Scotch  jail  for  cattle-stealing, 
managed,  with  five  others,  to  break  out  on  Sunday ;  and, 
being  captured  on  one  of  the  neighboring  hills,  he  very 
gravely  remarked  to  the  officer,  "I  might  have  escaped, 
biit  I  had  consci&ntious  scmples  about  travelling  on  Sun- 
day." 

A  contemporary  introduced  a  piece  of  poetry  with  these 
words  :  "The  following  lines  were  written  more  than  fifty 
years  ago,  by  one  who  has  for  many  years  slept  in  his 
grave  unerely  for  his  own  amusement." 


Home  Tooke  being  asked  by  George  III.  whether  he 
played  at  cards,  replied,  "I  cannot,  your  Majesty,  tell  a 
king  from  a  knave." 

"Col.  W is  a  fine-looking  man,  isn't  he?"  said  a 

friend  the  other  day. 

"  Yes,"  replied  another.     "  I  was  taken  for  him  once." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  297 

"You  !     Wh}',  you're  as  ugly  as  sin." 
"I  dou't  care  for  tliat':  I  was   taken   for  him  once.     I 
indorsed  his  note;  and  I  was  taken  for  him  by  the  sheriff." 


There  is  a  well-known  custom  prevailing  in  our  criminal 
courts  of  assigning  counsel  to  such  prisoners  as  have  no  one 
to  defend  them.  On  one  occasion,  the  Court  finding  a  man 
accused  of  theft,  and  without  counsel,  said  to  a  lawyer  who 

was    present,    "  Mr.    -,    please    to   withdraw   with    the 

prisoner,  confer  with  him,  and  then  give  him  such  counsel 
as  may  be  best  for  his  interest."  The  lawyer  and  his  client 
then  withdrew ;  and,  in  fifteen  or  twenty  minutes,  the  law- 
yer returned  into  court. 

"  Where  is  the  prisoner  ?  "  asked  the  Court. 

"  He  has  gone,  your  Honor,"  said  the  hopeful  legal  "  limb." 
"  Your  Honor  told-  me  to  give  him  the  best  advice  I  could 
for  his  interest ;  and,  as  he  said  he  was  guilty,  I  thought  the 
best  counsel  I  could  offer  him  was  to  cut  and  run  j  which  he 
took  at  once." 


"  Jane,  what  letter  in  the  alphabet  do  you  like  best  ?  " 
"  Well,  I  don't  like  to  say,  Mr.  Snob." 
"  Pooh,  nonsense  !  tell  right  out.     Jane,  which  do  you 
like  best?" 

"  Well,"  dropping  her  eyes,  "  I  like  U  the  best." 


A  man  in  Ohio,  W(;ll  mountt-d,  urging  forward  a  drove  of 
fat  hogs  to  market,  met  a  charming  lot  of  little  girls  as 
they  were  returning  from  school,  when  one  of  them,  as 
they  passed  the  "swinish  multitude,"  made  a  very  pretty 
courtesy. 

"  What!  my  little  gal,"  said  the  man,  "do  you  curchcy 
to  a  whole  drove  of  hogs  ?  "• 

"  No,  sir,"  said  she  with  a  moat  provoking  smilu ;  "  only 
to  the  one  on  horseback." 


298  MIRTHFULNESS. 

A  young  lady,  who  had  been  severely  interrogated  at 
court  by  an  ill-tempered  counsel,  observed,  on  leaving  the 
witness-box,  that  she  never  before  fully  understood  what 
was  meant  by  cross-examination. 


"  Stranger,"  said  a  benighted  American  traveller,  who  had 
been  wending  his  toilsome  march  through  brier  and  brake, 
through  bramble  and  thicket,  as  he  came  upon  a  raw-look- 
ing genius  at  the  door  of  a  log  hut,  "  which  is  the  road  to 
?" 

"  There's  two  roads,"  responded  the  fellow. 

"  Well,  which  is  the  best  ?  " 

"  Ain't  much  difference :  both  on  'em  awful  bad.  Take 
which  you  will,  afore  you've  got  half  way  you'll  wish  you'd 
tuck  t'other." 


A  domestic  newly  engaged  presented  his  master  with  a 
pair  of  boots,  the  leg  of  one  of  which  was  much  longer  than 
the  other.  "  How  comes  it  that  these  boots  are  not  of  the 
same  length  ?  "  —  "I  really  don't  know,  sir  ;  but  what  bothers 
me  most  is,  that  the  pair  down  stairs  are  in  the  same  fix." 


Lord  Chesterfield's  physician  having  informed  him  that 
h^was  dying  "  by  inches,"  he  thanked  Heaven  that  he  was 
not  so  tall  by  a  foot  as  Sir  Thomas  Eobinson. 


A  young  man,  whose  self-esteem  appeared  to  be  more 
fully  developed  than  his  conscientiousness,  offered  a  very 
inadequate  price  for  some  property  he  was  desirous  of  pos- 
sessing, and,  having  waited  a  few  days  without  receiving 
any  reply  from  the  owner,  called  upon  him  for  a  decision, 
and  with  much  self-complacency  put  the  question,  "  Pray, 
sir,  do  you  entertain  my  proposition  ?  " 

"  No,  sir,"  was  the  reply;  "  but  your  proposition  entertains 


me." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  299 

Mr,  Curran  passing  through  an  obscure  alley  in  Dublin, 
observing  a  pane  of  glass  patched  by  a  page  of  a  very  dull 
book,  exclaimed  to  his  companion,  "  'Tis  the  first  time,  I 
believe,  that  the  author  has  thrown  light  upon  any  subject^ 


The  household  furniture  of  an  English  barrister,  then 
recently  deceased,  was  being  sold  in  a  country  town,  when 
one  neighbor  remarked  to  another  that  the  stock  of  goods 
and  chattels  appeared  to  be  extremely  scanty,  considering 
the  rank  of  the  lawyer,  their  late  owner. 

"  It  is  so,"  was  the  reply  ;  "  but  the  fact  is,  he  had  very 
few  causes,  and  therefore  could  not  have  many  effects.' 


A  pompous  parish  clergyman  felt  his  dignity  mightily 
offended  by  a  chubby-faced  lad,  who  was  passing  him  with- 
out moving  his  hat. 

"  Do  you  know  who  I  am,  sir,  that  you  pass  in  this  un- 
mannerly way?     You  are  better  fed  than  taught,  I  think. 


sir." 


"  Whoy,  maybe  it  is  so,  mestur ;  for  yo  teyches  me,  but  I 
feeds  mysel'." 


In  a  school,  the  perplexetl  master,  addressing  an  unruly, 
careless  lad,  who  gave  him  more  trouble  than  all  the  spal- 
peens together,  emphatically  said,  "  I  do  wish  you'd  bo  after 
paying  a  little  attintion  to  what  I'm  telling  av  ye." 

"  So  I  am,"  replied  the  impudent  urchin  ;  "  I  am  paying 
as  little  as  I  can." 


When  Cape  wino  was  first  introduced  into  England,  a 
merchant  with  whom  Sheridan  was  dining  l»ri)uglit  out  a 
single  bottle,  wliich  he  had  received  as  a  sample,  and  begged 
the  opinion  of  his  guests  on  its  merits.  It  was  thoroughly 
approved,  and  another  bottle  was  urgently  called  for.  The 
liost  declared,  upon  his  honor,  that  lie  couM  not  gratify  tho 


300  MIRTHFULNESS. 

company  by  any  more  of  the  wine ;  it  was  a  mere  sample, 
a  single  bottle,  and  he  was  glad  they  liked  it.  "Well, 
well,"  said  Sheridan,  "  if  we  cannot  double  the  Cape,  we  must 
return  to  Madeira." 

"  Ma,  whereabouts  in  the  map  shall  I  find  the  State  of 
Matrimony  ?  " 

"  Oh !  my  dear,  that  is  one  of  the  United  States." 


It  was  a  good  play  upon  words  by  which  a  lazy,  unpunc- 
tual  man  was  greeted  on  his  happening  to  be  early  at  an 
appointed  meeting  one  day.  "  Why,  you  are  first  at  last ; 
you  have  always  been  behind  before." 

And  a  little  gentleman  very  truthfully  said,  he  never  lay 
long  in  bed,  nor  ever  wore  a  great  coat. 


An  Irish  gentleman,  building  a  house,  ordered  a  pit  to  be 
dug  to  contain  the  heaps  of  rubbish  left  by  the  workmen. 
His  steward  asked  what  they  should  do  with  the  earth  dug 
out  of  the  pit.  "  Make  it  large  enough  to  hold  both  the 
rubbish  and  the  earth,  to  be  sure,"  said  he. 


In  a  speech,  at  a  meeting  in  the  Presbyterian  church  in 
Saratoga,  a  temperance  lecturer  said,  "Fathers,  you  have 
children ;  or,  if  you  have  not,  your  daughters  may  have." 

The  transmigration  of  souls  was  the  subject  in  a  largo 
company.  A  young  gentleman  attempted  to  turn  the  sub- 
ject into  ridicule,  and  said,  "  In  fact,  I  can  remember  having 
been  the  golden  calf  myself." 

"  That  we  can  readily  believe,"  replied  George  Selwyn ; 
"  for  you  have  only  lost  the  gilding." 


Mr.   Erskine,   being  indisposed  in  the   Court  of  King'9 
Bench,  told  Mr.  Jekyl  that  he  had  a  pain  in  his  bowels,  for 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  301 

which  he  could  get  no  relief.  "  I  will  give  you  an  inf;\lliblo 
specific,"  replied  tlie  humorous  barrister.  "  Get  made  attor- 
ney-general, my  friend,  and  then  you  will  have  no  bowels 
at  all" 

At  the  conclusion  of  a  meeting  for  the  choice  of  town- 
oflBcers,  a  Mr.  Shote  was  chosen  hog-constable,  which  pro- 
duced the  following  impromptu:  — 

"  The  wisdom  of  this  towni  now  stands  confessed: 
They  chose  one  <S/iO/e  to  govern  all  the  rest." 


A  lady  at  sea,  full  of  delicate  apprehensions  in  a  gale  of 
wind,  cried  out,  among  other  pretty  exclamations,  "  We  shall 
all  go  to  the  bottom  !     Mercy  on  us,  how  my  head  swims ! " 

"  Zounds,  madam,  never  fear,"  said  one  of  the  sailors  : 
"you  can  never  go  to  the  bottom  while  your  head  sivinis." 


Strange,  Moore,  and  Wright,  three  notorious  punsters, 
were,  on  a  certain  occasion,  dining  together,  when  Moore 
observed,  "  There  is  but  one  knave  among  us,  and  that's 
Strarige.'* 

"  Oh,  no  ! "  said  Wright ;  "  there  is  one  Moore." 

"  Ay  !  "  said  Strange  :  "  that's  Wright." 


A  gentleman  praising  the  personal  charms  of  a  very  plain 
woman  before  Foote,  the  latter  whi.spered  him,  "And  why 
don't  you  lay  claim  to  such  an  acconiplislicd  beauty?" 

"  What  right  have  I  Uj  her?"  rcplii-d  the  other. 

"Every  right,  by  the  law  of  nations,  :ui  the  first  discov- 
erer," said  Foote. 

A  band  of  young  empty-headed  divinity-stutlentfl  paid  a 
visit  to  a  manse,  and  a  flock  of  turkeys  followed  them  to 
the  dfMjr.  "  Sir,"  says  one  of  the  probationers,  "  do  you  allow 
the  turkeys  to  come  into  your  Iiouho  ?  " 


302  MIRTHFULNESS, 

«  Sometimes,"  replied  the  minister  ;  "  but  I  will  not  per- 
mit them  at  this  time,  for  I  never  suffer  turkeys  and  geese 
to  enter  at  the  same  time." 

A  Yankee  tar  was  once  in  York,  England,  who  was  some- 
what deformed  by  having  a  large  bunch  on  his  back.  An 
Englishman  that  saw  him  thought  he  would  have  a  joke 
with  the  Yankee,  and  said,  "  What  in  the  world  is  that 
hump  on  your  back  ?  " 

"  Bunker  Hill,"  promptly  replied  the  Yankee. 


"  John,"  inquired  a  dominie  of  a  hopeful  pupil,  "  tell  me 
what  is  a  nailer." 

"  A  man  that  makes  nails,"  said  John. 

"  Very  good.     What  is  a  tailor  ?  " 

"  One  who  makes  tails." 

"  Oh,  you  stupid  fellow ! "  said  the  dominie,  biting  his  lips : 
"  a  man  who  makes  tails  ?  " 

"  Yes,  master,"  returned  John :  "  if  the  tailor  did  not  put 
tails  to  the  coats  he  made,  they  would  be  all  jackets." 

A  physician  at  Bath  told  Foote  he  had  a  mind  to  pub- 
lish his  own  poems  ;  but  he  had  so  many  irons  in  the  fire, 
he  did  not  well  know  what  to  do. 

'<■  Then  take  my  advice,  doctor,"  said  Foote,  "  and  put 
your  poejns  where  your  irons  are." 

Lord  H.,  who  was  very  much  addicted  to  the  bottle,  sit- 
ting with  Foote  previous  to  a  masquerade-night,  asked  him 
what  new  character  he  ought  to  appear  in.  "New  charac- 
ter ! "  said  the  other,  pausing  for  some  time  :  "  suppose  you 
go  sober,  my  lord."  _ 

Henry  IV.  enacted  some  sumptuary  laws,  prohibiting  the 
use  of  gold  and  jewels  in  dress ;  but  they  were  for  some 


:miscellaneous  anecdotes.  303 

time  ineffectual.  He  passed  a  supplement  to  them  which 
completely  answered  his  purpose.  In  this  last  he  exempted 
from  the  prohibitions  of  the  former,  after  one  month,  all 
prostitutes  and  pickpockets.  Next  day  there  was  not  a 
jewel  nor  golden  ornament  to  be  seen. 


Dr.  Johnson,  once  speaking  of  a  quarrelsome  fellow,  said, 
"  If  he  had  two  ideas  in  his  head,  they  would  fall  out  with 
Qach  other." 

"  Doctor,  I  is  anxious  to  understand  de  nature  ob  my 
health." 

"  Why  !  'tis  berry  lucky  you  hab  come  to  me  in  time. 
You  see,  you  hab  got  de  inflammation  of  de  bronchial  tubes, 
dat  acts  on  de  flaxon  longus  digitous  pedis  ;  and  dis  has  end- 
ed in  de  confirmed  delirium  tremens,  for  sartin.  Ise  de  only 
doctor  what  can  cure  you." 

"  Shades  ob  uatur  !    am  it  possible  ?  " 


"  A  Dutch  justice  refused  to  hear  but  one  side  of  a  case, 
for  fear  it  would  puzzle  him  to  hear  both  sides. 


A  very  bra%'e  soldier  was  in  the  habit  of  drinking  too 
much.  His  colonel  remonstrated  with  him.  "  Tom,''  said 
he,  "  you  are  a  bold  fellow,  and  a  good  soldier ;  but  you  will 
get  drunk." 

"Colonel,"  replied.  Tom,  "how  can  you  expect  all  the  vir- 
tues of  the  human  kind  combined  for  seven  dollars  per 
month ! "  

In  the  streets  of  Leicester,  one  day,  Dean  Swift  was  ac- 
costed by  a  drunken  weaver,  who,  staggering  against  his 
llcverence,  said,  "  I've  been  spinning  it  out." 

"  Ye»,"  said  the  dean  ;  "1  see  you  have  j  and  you  are 
reeling  it  home." 


304  MIRTHFULNESS. 

"  Have  you  not  mistaken  the  pew,  sir  ?  "  blandly  said  a 
Sunday  Chesterfield  to  a  stranger  as  he  entered  it.  "  I 
beg  your  pardon,"  replied  the  individual,  rising  to  go  out, 
"  I  fear  I  have  :  I  thought  it  was  a  Christian's." 


"  What's  that  letter  ?  "  asked  a  schoolmaster  of  an  urchin, 
at  the  same  time  pointing  to  the  letter  X. 

"  That's  my  father's  name,"  replied  the  boy. 

"  No,  it  is  not,"  said  the  teacher.  * 

"  I  tell  you  it  is  my  father's  name,"  retorted  the  lad ; 
"  for  I  have  seen  him  write  it  more  than  a  dozen  times." 


Some  one  advertises  for  the  recovery  of  a  lost  wallet  be- 
longing to  a  gentleman  made  of  calf-skin. 


''  That's  what  I  call  a  real  finished  sermon,"  said  a  man 
as  he  was  coming  out  of  church. 

"  Yes,"  replied  the  otljer,  "  finished  at  last,  though  I 
began  to  think  it  never  would  be." 


"  I  say,"  said  a  dandy  to  an  intelligent  mechanic,  "  I've 
got  an  idea  in  my  head." 

"  Well,"  replied  the  other,  "  if  you  don't  cherish  it  with 
good  care,  it  will  die  for  want  of  companions." 


An  Eastern  editor,  speaking  of  a  brother  contemporary, 
says  that  he  must  be  a  believer  in  hydropathy,  for  he  lies 
in  wet  sheets. 

A  sailor  was  called,  upon  the  stand  as  a  witness.  "Well, 
sir,"  said  the  lawyer,  "  do  you  know  the  plaintiff  and  de- 
fendant ?  " 

"  I  don't  know  the  drift  of  them  words,"  answered  the 
sailor. 

"  What !  not  know  the  meaning  of  the  words  plaintiff 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  305 

auJ  defendant  ?  "  continued  tlie  lawyer.  "  A  pretty  fellow, 
you,  to  come  here  iw  a  witness !  Can  you  tell  me  where  on 
board  the  ship  it  was  that  tliis  man  struck  the  other  one  ?" 

"  Abaft  the  binnacle,"  said  the  sailor. 

"  Abaft  the  binnacle  !  what  do  you  mean  by  that  ?  "  asked 
the  lawyer. 

"  A  pretty  fellow,  you,"  responded  the  sailor,  "  to  como 
here  as  a  lawyer,  and  don't  know  what  abaft  the  binnacle 
means ! " 


A  learned  clergyman  of  Maine  was  accosted  in  the  follow- 
ing manner  by  an  illiterate  preacher,  who  despised  educa- 
tion :  "  Sir,  you  have  been  to  ooHege,  I  suppose." 

"  Yes,  sir,"  was  the  reply. 

"  I  am  thankful,"  replied  the  former,  "  that  the  Lord  has 
opened  my  mouth  without  any  learning." 

"A  similar  event,"  replied  the  latter,  "took  place  in 
Balaam's  time ;  but  such  things  are  of  rare  occurrence  at 
the  present  day." 

A  New- York  pajjer  contains  an  advertisement,  announ- 
cing as  lost  a  cloth  cloak  belonging  to  a  gentleman  lined 
with  blue. 

When  Mr.  Wilberforce  w^as  a  candidate  for  Hull,  his 
Bister,  an  amiable  and  witty  young  lady,  offered  the  com- 
pliment of  a  new  gown  to  each  of  the  wives  of  those  freemen 
who  voted  for  her  bnjther;  on  which  she  was  sainted  with 
the  cry,  "  Miss  Wilberforce  forever  !  " 

"  I  thank  you,  gentlemen,"  remarked  the  lady ;  "  but, 
really,  I  do  not  wi.sh  to  be  Miss  Wilberforce  forever." 


An  old  streaker  was  accustomed  to  drive  the  best  honto 
and  the  costlieHt  buggy  in  t<jwn.  Jle  liad  got  so  <li'ep  in 
debt,  that   he  w:is  obliged   to  go   into  cliuncery.     Ho  woa 


306  MIETHFULNESS. 

soon  seen,  however,  driving  the  identical  horse  and  buggy 
that  he  owned  before  going  into  chancery. 

"  How  now  ?  "  said  an  old  acquaintance,  "  the  same  horse 
and  buggy  again  ?  I  thought  you  had  been  through  chan- 
cery." 

"  So  I  have,"  was  the  quick  reply  ;  "  but  my  horse  went 
round." 


A  man  with  eleven  daughters  was  complaining  that  he 
found  it  difficult  to  live. 

"  You  must  husband  your  time,"  said  another,  "  and  then 
you  will  do  well  enough." 

"  I  could  do  much  better,"  was  the  reply,  "  if  I  could 
husband  my  daughters." 


A  dancer  said  to  a  Spartan,  "  You  cannot  stand  so  long 
on  one  foot  as  I  can." 

"  Perhaps  not,"  said  the  Spartan  ;  "  but  my  goose  can." 


A  number  of  years  ago,  when  it  was  the  custom  to  let  out 
the  care  of  town  paupers  to  the  lowest  bidder,  a  weak- 
minded  man,  belonging  to  a  certain  town  in  New  Hamp- 
shire, who  had  been  fed  and  clothed  for  his  labor,  becoming 
somewhat  infirm,  no  person  at  the  annual  town-meeting 
was  willing  to  take  him  for  the  coming  year  without  pay ; 
so  he  was  put  up  to  the  lowest  bidder.  To  this  he  strongly 
objected,  saying  "that  he  could  earn  his  living,  he  knew 
he  could  ;  and  if  he  couldn't,  he  would  stay  longer." 


A  man  in  the  Granite  State,  after  a  severe  sickness,  met 
a  fellow-townsman  on  the  highway,  who  inquired  with 
what  disease  he  had  been  afflicted.  The  convalescent  re- 
jjlied  that  "  he  had  had  the  brain-fever  in  his  head,  and  he 
had  been  told  that  that  was  the  most  dangerous  place  in 
which  a  man  could  have  that  disease." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  307 

When  fears  were  expressed  that  President  Lincoln  might 
be  assassinated  on  bis  way  to  Washington  for  his  first  in- 
auguration, a  man  not  skilled  in  the  best  use  of  language, 
yet  very  partial  to  long  words,  was  talking  with  a  gentle- 
man, hard  of  hearing,  at  the  post-office,  upon  the  exciting 
subject,  to  whom  he  addressed  the  following  question,  in  a 
very  loud  tone  of  voice  :  — 

"  Do  you  think  the  President  will  get  vaccinated  on  bis 
way  to  Washington  ?  " 

A  pastor  in  Massachusetts  was  once  asked  by  a  parish- 
ioner if  the  sermon  he  preached  the  sabbath  before  was  not 
an  old  one.  The  pastor  replied  by  saying,  "  Can't  you  tell 
whether  it  was  or  not  ?  "  He  thought  it  was,  but  could  not 
say  positively.  "  Well,"  said  the  pastor,  "  if  you  have  heard 
the  sermon  twice,  you  ought  to  be  able  to  tell  something 
about  it.  What  was  the  text  ? "  He  had  forgotten  it. 
"  What  was  the  subject  ?  "  he  inquired.  The  hearer  could 
not  tell.  ''  Well,"'  said  the  pastor,  "  can  you  repeat  any  of 
the  leading  thoughts,  or  any  of  the  thoughts  presented  in 
the  discourse?"  After  tliinking  a  few  minutes,  he  ac- 
knowledged tliat  he  could  not.  "  I  think,"  said  the  pastor, 
"  I  ought  to  preach  that  sermon  again,  for  i/our  special  bene- 

fitr  

It  is  reported  that  Father  Moody  preached  a  long  sermon, 
during  which  a  large  portion  of  his  audience  slept.  As  he 
closed,  tliey  all  waktd  up,  prepared  for  the  closing  service, 
which  would  release  them;  but  were  unplea-santly  surprised 
by  the  announcement,  "  that,  as  they  were  all  awake,  ho 
would  rc[teat  his  sermon,  hoping  that  it  would  bo  heard." 
This  w.ts  r<i_r:irclcd  a  severe  penalty  fur  sl('ei)ing. 


When  slavery  existed  in  Massachusetts,  a  negro  slave  went 
to  meeting,  one  sabbath,  and  took  liis  seat  in  the  gallery  at 


308  MIRTHFULNESS. 

usual.  A  strange  minister  was  in  the  pulpit,  who  took  for 
his  text,  "■Thou  art  the  man."  He  repeated  his  text  several 
times,  accompanied  with  an  emphatic  gesture,  which  pointed 
directly  to  the  guilty  negro.  As  soon  as  the  service  closed, 
the  slave  hurried  home  with  the  confession,  "  I  did  steal  de 
hatchet,  massa,  I  did  steal  it ;  hut  who  tole  de  minister  ob 
it  ?  After  de  prayer,  and  de  singing,  de  strange  preacher 
got  up  in  de  pulpit,  and  point  right  at  me,  and  say,  Dat  he  ! 
dat  he  !  I  got  down  out  ob  sight,  and  de  preacher  talk  'bout 
soinethin'  else  little  while,  and  I  rise  up  tremblin' ;  and 
pretty  soon  he  see  me,  and  say  'g'in,  p'intin'  right  at  me, 
Dat  he!  dat  he!  dat  he!  and  made  me  feel  so  guilty, 
dat  I  come  right  home  and  tell  you,  massa,  I  did  steal  de 
hatchet." 


An  eccentric  clergyman,  preaching  in  the  pulpit  of  a 
brother,  on  exchange,  one  sabbath,  announced  his  text 
twice,  before  telling  his  audience  where  it  might  be  found, 
thus:  "  Zaccheus,  come  down  ;  Zaccheus,  come  down."  Speak- 
ing with  emphasis,  the  effect  was  felt  by  a  negro  bearing 
that  name,  who  supposed  himself  called  by  the  preacher 
to  come  down  to  him  for  some  purpose.  So  Zaccheus,  accus- 
tomed to  obey,  left  his  place  in  the  gallery,  and  walked  to 
the  pulpit-door,  and  humbly  asked  what  his  Eeverence 
required  of  him. 

A  clergyman  called  upon  a  quarrelling  pair  in  his  parish, 
for  the  purpose  of  influencing  them  to  change  their  manner 
of  life.  He  commenced  with  the  husband,  who  made  very 
severe  charges  against  his  companion,  declaring  that  she  had 
a  very  bad  temper,  got  mad  at  nothing,  and,  when  mad,  would 
.  strike  him  with  the  broom,  the  shovel  and  tongs,  or  any 
thing  she  could  lay  her  hands  on.  "  Well,"  said  the  minis- 
ter, "  what  do  you  do  ?  " 

"  What  do  I  do  ?  Why,  strike  back,  of  course.  What 
should  I  do  ?  " 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  309 

"  Oh,  you  should  do  very  differently,"  said  the  minister. 
"When  she  throws^re,  you  should  throw  water." 

"  Well,"  said  the  husband,  "  I  don't  know  what  effect 
water  would  have  upon  her  ;  but  I  threw  a  pail  of  swill  on 
her  the  other  day,  and  it  didn't  do  a  mite  of  good  ;  it  made 
her  worse,  if  any  thing."  That  husband  did  not  understand 
figurative  language,  nor  how  to  tame  a  shrew. 


A  boy  was  asked  by  his  teacher,  what  made  the  water  of 
the  sea  salt ;  and  his  reply  was,  "  Codfish." 


In  a  certain  college,  the  students  were  accustomed,  in  con- 
versation among  themselves,  to  call  the  president  by  his 
Latin  name,  " Prex,''  and  his  wife  "Madam  Prex,"  and  his 
daughter  '•  Sister  Sally  Prex."  Two  of  the  students  went, 
one  night,  to  steal  some  of  the  president's  chickens,  which 
roosted  in  a  tree  not  far  from  his  house.  One  of  the  col- 
lege thieves  a.scended  the  tree,  while  the  other  stood  under 
the  same,  prepared  to  bag  the  game  as  it  was  dropped  down 
to  him  by  his  comrafle.  Before  the  latter  commenced  op- 
erations, the  former,  frightened  by  the  approach  of  the 
president,  fled,  leaving  his  bag  under  the  tree.  The  presi- 
ident  Uxik  his  position,  prepared  to  bag  the  game  dropju'd 
by  the  man  in  the  tree.  The  latter  wrung  the  lu'ck  of  a 
rooster,  and  threw  him  down,  saying,  "There  is  Master 
Prex."  Serving  a  pullet  in  the  same  way,  he  said,  "  There 
is  Miwlam  Prex."  Seizing  another  pullet,  and  Hubjecting 
her  to  the  same  pnjcess,  he  exclaimed,  "  And  there  is  Sister 
Sally  Prex."  The  president  bagged  the  poultry,  and  bore 
it  into  his  house.  When  the  student,  from  the  tree,  de- 
scended to  the  ground,  lie  found  neither  his  chum  imr  Win 
game.  Joining  the  former  in  his  room,  the  two  concluded 
that  the  iiresident  IiimI  the  chickens  in  bin  posHeHsion,  and  a 
knowlcd^'c  of  the  men  who  had  altenii>ted  to  appropriate 
them.     The  next  morning  the  guilty  pair  received  un  invi- 


310  MIKTHFULNESS. 

tation  to  dine  with  the  president,  and  accepted  the  same. 
The  dinner-party  was  seated  at  the  table,  and  thanks  were 
returned,  when  the  president,  addressing  his  guests,  said, 
"  Young  gentlemen,  this  is  Master  Prex ;  this  is  Mad- 
am Prex  ;  and  this  is  Sister  Sally  Prex.  From  which  will 
you  be  helped  ?  " 


A  young  man,  in  the  employment  of  a  railroad  company, 
obtained  a  pass  to  the  home  of  his  intended  bride  for  him- 
self, and  from  that  home  to  his  for  the  united  twain.  When 
asked  for  their  tickets,  the  bridegroom,  through  mistake, 
handed  the  conductor  his  marriage  certificate  instead  of  his 
pass.  The  conductor  returned  it  to  him,  saying,  "This 
paper  entitles  you  to  many  privileges,  but  not  to  a  free  ride 
on  this  train." 


A  Second  Markiage  Contract. — In  a  certain  town 
in  New  Hampshire,  a  widower,  about  threescore  years  and 
ten,  married  a  widow  some  ten  years  his  junior,  with  the 
following  understanding :  She  was  to  give  him  all  her  prop- 
erty, which  consisted  in  one  hundred  and  fifty  dollars,  cash, 
and  he  was  to  give  her  a  deed  of  his  house  and  lot,  worth 
three  hundred  dollars,  which  deed  was  not  to  be  put  on  rec- 
ord unless  she  "survived  him.  The  two  ajjpeared  before  his 
neighbor,  the  chairman  of  the  board  of  selectmen,  and  he 
stated  the  agreement,  and  appealed  to  her  if  the  statement 
was  not  correct.  She  replied  that  it  was;  "but  she  had 
been  thinking  the  matter  over,  and  had  come  to  the  conclu- 
sion, that,  if  he  should  be  sort  o'  poorly  for  a  good  while,  and 
she  should  have  to  nurse  him,  she  ought  to  have  a  heifer  in 
addition  to  the  placed  This  marriage  contract  was  quite 
a  business  affair. 


"  I  cannot  imagine,"  said  Alderman  H.,  "  why  my  whis- 
kers should  turn  gray  so  much  quicker  than  the  hair  on 
my  head." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  311 

'•'Because  you  have  worked  so  much  more  with  your  jaws 
than  with  your  brains,"  observed  a  wag. 

One  Hog  was  to  be  tried  before  Judge  Bacon,  who  told 
him  he  was  kinsman.  Says  the  judge,  "No  hog  can  be 
bacon  till  it  is  hanged." 


A   country  squire,   being  one   day  in  company  with  his 
mistress,  and  wanting  his  valet,  pompously  cried  out,  — 
"  Where  is  my  blockhead  ?  " 
"  Upon  your  shoulders,"  replied  the  lady. 


A  young  lady  being  asked  why  she  did  not  study  French, 
replied,  that,  in  her  opinion,  one  tongue  was  quite  sufficient 
for  a  woman. 


Two  men  owned  a  ship  at  sea,  concerning  the  safety  of 
which  they  felt  great  anxiety.  Meeting  in  their  place  of 
business,  one  said  to  the  other,  who  was  not  skilled  in  the 
meaning  of  words,  "  Our  ship  is  in  jeopardy  !  " 

"  Is  it  ?  "  replied  the  other.  "  Well,  I  am  truly  glad  that 
it  has  got  into  a«y  port." 


Wliile  the  prohibitory  liquor-bill  was  in  the  hands  of  the 
Massachusetts  Senate  Committee  of  Six,  in  the  month  of 
May,  1869,  after  both  branches  of  the  Legislature  had  de- 
voted several  weeks  to  its  discussion,  two  temperance  men 
met  in  the  city  of  Lowell,  and  one  asked  the  other, — 

"Where  is  the  lirjuor-liiil  now?" 

The  reply  wa.s,  "I  d<jn't  know;  but  i  guess  it  it*  in  (lio 
port  of  Jeopardy,  with  the  lost  ship."  With  this  reply,  ho 
ref^'ated  the  foregoing  anecdote. 


A  Vank<;e,  walking  in  one  of  the  streets  of  Boston  with 
an  Englishman  who  had  recently  come  to  this  country,  a*ked 


312  MIETHFULNESS. 

him  if  lie  could  read  the  sign  over  the  door  of  a  saloon. 
He  replied  in  the  affirmative,  and  proceeded  to  spell  the 
word,  thus :  "  Hes  and  Ha  and  Hell  and  two  Hoes  and  a 
Hen." 


An  Eastern  editor  says  that  a  man  in  New  York  got  him- 
self into  trouble  by  marrying  two  wives.  A  Western  editor 
replies  by  assuring  his  contemporary  that  a  good  many  men 
in  that  section  have  done  the  same  thing  by  marrying  one. 
A  Northern  editor  retorts,  that  quite  a  number  of  his  ac- 
quaintances found  trouble  enough  by  barely  promising  to 
marry,  without  going  any  further.  A  Southern  editor  says 
that  a  friend  of  his  was  bothered  enough  when  simply  found 
in  company  with  another  man's  wife. 


A  gentleman  accustomed  to  the  signature  of  the  firm  of 
which  he  was  a  partner,  having  to  sign  a  baptismal  register 
of  one  of  his  children,  entered  it  as  the  child  of  Smith, 
Jones,  &  Co. 


A  hardy  seaman,  who  had  barely  escaped  drowning  by 
shipwreck,  was  asked  by  a  good  lady  how  he  felt  when  the 
waves  •  rolled  over  him.  He  replied,  "  Wet,  ma'am  ;  veri/ 
wet." 


"  What  are  you  -doing  there  ?  "  said  a  grocer  to   a  fellow 
who  was  stealing  his  lard.    "  Fm  getting  fat,'''  was  his  reply. 


"  Have  you  ever  broken  a  horse  ?  "  inquired  a  horse-jockey. 
"  No,  not'exactly.     I  have  never  broken  a  horse"  replied 
Simon,  "  but  I  have  broken  three  lnox&e-wagonsy 


A  gentleman  learning  that  a  literary  pretender,  with  a 
"  plentiful  lack  of  wit,"  had  been  seized  with  a  brain  fever, 
dryly  observed,  "  Oh  !  the  thing  is  impossible." 


MISCELLAXEOUS   ANECDOTES.  313 

"  Why  impossible  ?  "  asked  his  informant. 
"Because,"  was  the  reply,  "there's  no  foundation  for  the 
fever  or  the  report." 

Two  gentlemen,  walking  together,  observed  a  horse  wliose 
tail  had  been  closely  sheared.  One  remarked  to  the  other, 
"That  horse  is  like  the  Dutchman's,  who  said,  'Mine  hos 
is  petter  in  de-mane  dan  in  de-tail.'  " 


An  aged  clergyman  in  New  Hampshire  read  a  sermon 
before  his  ministerial  association,  bearing  the  title  of  "  A 
Plea  for  Dumb  Animals."  One  of  the  brethren  playfully 
remarked,  that  all  the  jackasses  in  the  country  ought  to 
thank  Father  M.  for  his  sermon.  Tlie  author,  turning  to 
the  critic,  said,  '•  I  am  glad  that  I  have  one  appreciative 
hearer." 


Some  twenty  years  ago,  two  Congregational  clergymen, 
in  Massachusetts,  had  negotiated  an  exchange  for  a  certain 
sabbath  ;  and  they  went  to  each  other's  house  on  Saturday 
afternoon,  each  with  his  own  team.  One  of  them,  having 
no  hay,  had  spoken  to  one  of  his  deacons  to  take  care  of 
his  brother's  horse  over  sabbath,  and  said  nothing  to  the 
family  about  the  arrangement,  as  he  expected  to  com- 
municate the  same  to  his  clerical  brother  when  they  met  on 
the  way.  But  that  brother  cr)ming  by  a  different  routf, 
they  did  not  meet.  That  brotlii-r  put  his  horse  into  tjic 
stable,  as  there  was  no  male  connected  with  the  family  of 
his  host,  except  his  little  son.  Having  put  his  beast  into 
the  stable,  he  went  into  the  house,  and  thought  no  more 
of  him  until  sabbath  morning  just  before  the  bdl  rang  for 
meeting.  He  tbt-n  went  to  the  barn,  and  fjund  no  liorso 
there,  and  made  known  tlie  fart  to  the  familv.  Tin*  littlo 
Bon  of  the  pfustor  went  to  two  or  tliree  of  bis  father's  chunli- 
mcmbers  near  by,  including  Uea.  Smith,  an<]  learned  whcro 


314  MIRTHFULNESS. 

the  missing  horse  was;  but  when  he  returned  home,  the  minis- 
ter had  gone  to  church,  where  he  himself  went,  and  took  his 
seat  in  his  father's  pew.  The  minister  announced  his  text, 
and  repeated  it  with  some  rhetorical  effect,  before  st&,ting 
where  it  might  be  found,  thus :  ''  Oh  that  I  knew  where  I 
might  find  him  !  oh  that  I  knew  where  I  might  find  him !  " 
Tlie  pastor's  little  son,  supposing  that  the  preacher  was 
talking  about  his  lost  horse,  cried  out,  in  excited  tones, 
"  He's  down  in  Dea.  Smithes  barn." 


A  gentleman  ordered  a  beef-steak  for  dinner,  and  a  very 
small  piece  was  brought  to  him,  which  he  held  up  on  his 
fork,  and  said  to  the  waiter,  "Yes,  that's  it;    bring  me 


some." 


Sydney  Smith  had  a  brother  distinguished  for  his  talents, 
but  exceedingly  sedate,  having  no  element  of  v/it  or  humor 
in  his  composition.  Sydney  said  that  he  and  his  brother 
contradicted  the  law  of  gravitation ;  for  his  brother  had 
risen  by  his  gravity,  and  he  had  sunk  by  his  levity. 


An  Irishman,  feeling  great  interest  in  a  pending  election, 
declared  himself  confident  of  the  success  of  his  favorite 
candidate,  who  was  defeated.  Speaking  of  the  defeat,  he 
said,  "  I  am  disappointed,  sadly  disappointed,  and  I  knew 
I  should  be." 


Eev.  Dr.  Osgood  of  Springfield,  Mass.,  conducting  re- 
ligious services  in  his  chapel  at  a  weekly  evening  confer- 
ence, gave  out  a  hymn  to  be  sung  by  his  brethren  present, 
who  did  not  happen  to  be  the  musical  members  of  his 
sabbath  congregation.  Some  of  them  could  with  difficulty 
distinguish  one  tune  from  another.  At  the  close  of  the 
sinf^ing,  which  inflicted  the  most  excruciating  pain  upon  the 
doctor's  nerves,  he  remarked,  "  Well,  brethren,  I  hope  you 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  315 

have  made  melody  in  your  hearts,  for  I  am  sure  you  liave 
made  none  with  your  lips.  You  began  with  Old  Hundred, 
and  ended  with  Mear." 


Passing  the  Universalist  church  then  being  completed 
in  Springliold,  a  prominent  member  of*  the  parish,  with 
whom  he  was  on  very  friendly  terms,  said  to  Dr.  Osgood, 
•^We  are  building  a  church  in  which  the  truth  will  bo 
preached."  —  "  If  it  is,"  r(7plied  the  doctor,  "  some  of  your 
ears  will  tingle,  I  guess." 

Passing  the  Union  House,  —  a  hotel  being  erected  in 
SpringQeld  by  a  joint-stock  companj-  of  which  Mr.  D.  was 
a  member,  which  proved,  as  many  prophesied,  an  unprofit- 
able investment,  —  Dr.  Osgood  said,  ''  That  builditig  will 
do  for  George  D.  what,  with  all  my  preaching,  I  have  been 
unable  to  accomplish.     It  will  bring  him  to  repentance." 


A  petition  was  started  by  the  colored  people  of  Philadel- 
phia, addressed  to  the  city  government,  asking  that  a  school 
might  be  established  for  the  benefit  of  their  chiklren.  The 
petition  commenced  witli  this  language,  "  We,  the  parents 
of  colored  children."  Several  colored  men  signed  the 
petition.  Some  of  the  petitioners,  thinking  that  it  would 
add  strength  and  respectability  to  their  paper  to  secure 
upon  it  the  names  of  some  leading  white  men,  asked  such 
men  for  their  names,  who  rea«lily  gave  them,  without 
stopping  to  rea4l  what  they  signed.  The  obtaining  this 
chvss  of  signatures  was  stopped  by  a  white  man's  reading 
the  petition. 

When  Gen.  Howard  had  charge  of  a  largo  number  of 
colored  men,  he  ma<le  a  ruhi  that  all  the  sweariritj  in  that 
dt^jiartment  sliould  be  done  by  hinisi-If.  One  day,  a  black 
man,  driving  a  six-mule  team,  got  stuck    in   fb<'   niii<l,  :in(l 


316  MIETHFITLNESS. 

his  mules  refused  to  obey  liim.  Getting  vexed  with  his 
eontraiy  animals,  he  swore  at  them  very  profanely,  and  in 
loud  and  harsh  tones.  Gen.  Howard,  being  within  hearing, 
approached  the  enraged  negro,  and  reminded  him  of  the 
rule  he  was  breaking.  The  negro  replied,  "  I  did  not  forget 
the  rule ;  but  as  you  were  not  here,  and  there  was  some 
swearing  to  be  done,  I  thought  I  must  do  it  myself." 


A  certain  lawyer,  after  having  obtained  a  large  amount 
of  money  from  Boston  liquor-dealers  for  professional  ser- 
vices, which  proved  worse  than  useless  to  his  employers, 
turned  against  them;  and  although  grossly  intemperate, 
bearing  the  evidence  of  his  habits  in  his  red,  bloated  face, 
has  recently  become  the  ally  and  advocate  of  the  ultra 
temperance  men  in  Massachusetts,  and  has  figured  before 
a  legislative  committee  in  behalf  of  extreme  prohibitory 
measures.  While  conducting  an  investigation  before  said 
committee,  this  lawyer  was  made  the  subject  of  the. follow- 
ing remark  by  Judge  P.  Turning  to  a  friend,  the  judge 
whispered,  "No  one  can  truly  say  Ijiat  Mr.  S.  is  not  a  deej^- 
red  (read)  lawyer." 

A  certain  man  married  a  charming  lady  on  whom  his 
affections  were  strongly  fixed.  Her  features  were  attractive, 
and  her  disposition  amiable.  She  had  but  one  defect  in 
the  "estimation  of  her  husband,  and  that  was  so  great 
as  to  essentially  mar  his  happiness.  She  was  tongue-tied. 
Hearing  of  a  celebrated  surgeon  in  a  neighboring  city,  Avho 
could  remove  his  wife's  defect,  he  took  her  to  him  for  the 
desired  operation,  which  was  successfully  performed.  The 
happy  pair  returned  to  their  home,  the  husband  being  over- 
joyed with  the  prospect  of  soon  hearing  the  melodious  voice 
of  his  charming  wife.  As  soon  as  the  wound  inflicted  by 
the  surgeon's  knife  was  healed,  the  woman's  tongue  began 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  817 

to  run,  and  it  could  not  be  stopped.  Her  husband  has- 
tened to  the  surgeon,  and,  with  feelings  strongly  excited, 
said,  "  I  gave  you  fifty  dollars  to  untie  my  wife's  tongue, 
and  I  will  now  give  you  one  hundred  dollars  to  tie  it 
again." 


A  favorite  dogma  of  the  Stoics  was,  that  there  was  no 
such  thing  as  motion.  They  proved  this  doctrine  of  their 
creed  by  a  syllogism,  thus  :  "  A  thing  must  move  where  it 
is,  or  where  it  is  not.  A  thing  cannot  move  where  it  is, 
nor  where  it  is  not.     Therefore  a  thing  cannot  move  at  all." 

A  leading  philosopher  of  this  school  was  thrown  from  his 
caiTiage,  and  his  shoulder  dislocated.  His  surgeon  was 
called,  but  refused  to  operate,  saying,  that  if  motion  was 
impossible,  according  to  the  patient's  philosophy,  his  shoul- 
der could  not  be  set.  The  suffering  philosopher  urged  the 
surgeon  not  to  trifle  with  him,  but  to  hasten  in  the  enii)loy- 
ment  of  liis  .skill  in  granting  him  relief.  The  surgeon 
replied  that  he  would  not  replace  the  dislocated  shoulder, 
unless  the  patient  would  renounce  his  philosophj-,  and  ac- 
knowledge that  motion  was  possible.  This  re(]uireni('nt 
was  complied  with,  and  the  desired  operation  was  per- 
formed. 


The  compiler's  mother  had  this  one  fault,  —  she  woidd 
make  excuses  to  her  guests  respecting  different  articles  of 
{<X)d,  when  they  were  the  best  she  could  prepare.  On  a 
certain  afternoon,  an  aged  neighbor  took  tea  with  her, 
whom  she  a.sked  to  take  a  piece  of  poor  a]»ple-pie.  The 
old  lady  replied,  "  I  thank  you  :  I  never  eat  poor  ai)i)le-pie.'' 


llie  compiler  taught  an  academy  one  year  in  Ki.'^ing 
Sun,  Indiana;  and,  witli  lii.s  awsi.stant,  boarded  six  months 
in  the  family  of  a  wealthy  farmer,  a  nliort  distance  from 
the  vUlage.     The  wife  of  that  farmer  was  a  superior  cook, 


318  MIRTHFULNESS. 

and  set  an  excellent  table ;  but  she  habitually  spoke  dis- 
paragingly of  her  food,  frequently  saying  she  did  not  know 
as  it  could  be  eaten.  After  being  annoyed  in  this  way  for 
several  weeks,  the  preceptor  said,  one  day,  when  the  usual 
excuses  were  made  in  an  objectionable  manner,  — 

"  Mrs.  J ,  I  have  been  accustomed  to  poor  table-fare 

during  a  portion  of  my  life.  While  preparing  for  college,  I 
lived  upon  miserable  food  ;  and,  during  most  of  my  college- 
course,  I  kept  bachelor's  hall.  With  this  experience,  I  am 
prepared  to  eat  almost  any  kind  of  food  without  fault-find- 
ing. Don't  make  any  more  excuses ;  for  I  am  not  at  all 
particular  about  what  I  have  to  eat." 

All  eyes  at  the  table  were  directed  toward  the  good  lady 
and  the  speaker,  both  of  whose  countenances  indicated  their 
peculiar  states  of  mind.  After  a  few  seconds'  gaze,  tho 
whole  company  burst  into  a  fit  of  loud  laughter  at  the  ex- 
pense of  the  housewife,  who  felt  the  point,  and  was  cured 
of  her  folly.  If,  subsequently,  she  began  to  make  excuses, 
she  would  instantly  check  herself,  remembering  the  severe 
reproof  she  had  received  from  her  boarder. 


During  a  Universalist  convention,  Father  Ballou  and 
several  other  gentlemen  were  entertained  by  a  family,  the 
•wife  and  mother  of  which  was  a  neat  housekeeper  and  an 
excellent  cook ;  but  to  her  belonged  the  fault  which  attached 
to  the  two  ladies  described  in  preceding  anecdotes.  One 
day  she  prepared  two  pies  for  dessert,  of  a  kind  which  was 
known  to  be  Mr.  Ballou's  favorite.  The  pies  were  as  per- 
fect as  the  skill  of  the  cook  could  make  them.  When  the 
time  came  to  present  the  dessert,  the  two  pies  described  were 
placed  upon  the  table  with  all  their  attractions.  Directing 
attention  to  them,  Mrs.  W said,  — 

"  Gentlemen,  here  are  some  pies  ;  but  they  are  not  fit  to 
eat,  not  even  fit  to  bring  to  the  table:  but  they  are  as  good 
as  I  could  make  them  under  the  circumstances." 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  319 

During  this  speech  she  had  been  cutting  one  of  the  pies, 
the  appearance  of  wliich  caused  tlie  mouths  of  her  guests  to 
secrete  saliva  in  anticipation  of  the  luxury  prepared  for 
thera.     Turning  to  her  chief  gnest,  she  said, — 

"  Father  Ballou,  shall  I  give  you  a  piece  ?  " 

The  old  man  slowly  and  solemnly  shook  his  head,  and 
said, — 

"  I  am  very  fond  of  that  kind  of  pie  when  it  is  properly 

made  ;  but  surely,  Sister  W ,  j^ou  should  be  a  competent 

judge  of  your  own  work ;  and,  as  I  think  you  are  a  woman 
of  truth,  I  must  take  your  word  for  it.  You  certainly  can- 
not expect  me  to  eat  that  which  you  yourself  most  emphati- 
cally pronounce  unfit  to  eat,  —  unfit  even  to  bring  to  the 
table  !  I  had  promised  myself  a  famous  treat ;  but  I  must 
wait  until  you  have  better  luck." 

"With  this   the  old  gentleman  arose,  and  left  the  table. 

The  other  guests  saw  Mrs.  W sink  back  aghast ;  and, 

as  a  matter  of  delicacy,  they  followed  Mr.  Ballou.     Mrs. 

W had  a  very  unhappy  afternoon  ;  and  from  that  time 

onward  she  never  indulged  in  th3  foolish  habit  of  misrep- 
resenting the  products  of  her  culinary  skill. 


A  poor  widow  was  asked  how  she  became  so  much  at- 
tached to  a  certain  neighlior,  and  replied  that  she  was 
bound  to  him  by  several  cords  of  wood  which  he  had  sent 
to  her  during  a  hard  winter. 


Foote  being  annoyed  l»y  a  poor  fiddler,  "  straining  hard 
discord,"  under  his  window,  sent  him  a  shilling,  with  a  re- 
quest that  ho  would  play  elsewhere,  as  one  scraper  at  tho 
door  was  sufficient. 


"  Have  you  any  travelling  inkstands  ?  "  asked  a  lady 
of  a  young  stationtir. 

"No,  ma'am  :  we  huv<;  tlicin  with  feet  and  legs,  but  they 
are  not  old  enough  U>  travel  yet." 


320  MIRTHFTJLKESS. 

^'  There's  two  ways  of  doing  it,"  said  Pat  to  himself,  as 
he  stood  musing  and  waiting  for  a  job. 

"  If  I  save  me  four  thousand  dollars,  I  must  lay  up  two 
hundred  dollars  a  year  for  twenty  years,  or  I  can  put  away 
twenty  dollars  a  year  for  two  hundred  years.  Now,  which 
way  will  I  do  ?  " 

A  gentleman  was  one  day  arranging  music  for  a  lady  to 
whom  he  was  paying  his  attention.  "  Pray,  Miss  D.,"  said 
he,  "what  time  do  you  prefer?" 

"  Oh,"  she  replied  carelessly,  "  any  time  will  do,  but  the 
quicker  the  better." 

A  curate  having  been  overhauled  by  his  bishop  for  at- 
tending a  ball,  the  former  replied,  "  My  lord,  I  wore  a 
mask." 

"  Oh,  well,"  returned  the  bishop :  "  that  puts  a  new  face 
on  the  affair." 


The  conversation  at  Holland  House  turned  upon  first  love. 
Tom  Moore  compared  it  to  a  potato,  "  because  it  shoots 
from  the  eyes." 

"  Or,  rather,"  exclaimed  Byron,  "  because  it  becomes  all 
the  less  \>j  paring." 

A  clergyman,  on  reading  the  twenty-seventh  verse  of  the 
eighteenth  chapter  of  the  First  of  Kings,  incorrectly  placed 
the  emphasis,  rendering  the  verse  an  absurdity.  "And 
he  spake  to  his  sons,  saying.  Saddle  me  the  ass.  And 
they  saddled  liimP 

"  I  say,  my  little  son,  where  does  the  right-hand  road 
go?" 

"  Don't  know,  sir  ;  t' ain't  been  nowhere  since  we  lived 
here." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  321 

Sheritluii,  being  on  a  parliamentary  committee,  one  day 
entered  the  room  as  all  the  members  were  seated  for  busi- 
ness. Perceiving  no  empty  seat,  ho  bowed,  and,  looking 
round  the  table  with  a  droll  expression  of  countenance, 
said,  "  Will  any  gentleman  vwve  that  I  take  the  chair  ? " 


Talleyrand,  the  prime  minister  of  Napoleon,  was  disliked 
by  Madame  de  Stael.  It  so  happened  that  Talleyrand  was 
lame,  and  Madame  cross-eyed.  Meeting  one  day,  Madame 
says,  "Monsieur,  how  is  that  poor  leg?"  Talleyrand 
quickly  replied,  "  Crooked,  as  you  see." 

Hook  being  told  of  the  marriage  of  a  political  opponent, 
exclaimed,  "  I  am  very  glad  to  hear  it."  •  Then  suddenly 
added  very  compassionately,  "  And  yet  I  don't  see  why  I 
should  be :   poor  fellow  !  he  never  did  me  much  harm." 


"  I  rise,  sir,  for  information,"  said  a  very  grave  member 
of  a  legislature. 

"  I  am  very  glad  to  hear  it,"  said  a  bystander ;  "  for  no 
man  is  in  greater  need  of  it." 


A  man  in  the  West  has  moved  so  often,  that,  whenever 
a  covered  wagon  comes  near  his  house,  his  chickens  all 
march  up,  and  fall  on  their  backs,  and  cross  their  legs,  ready 
to  be  tied,  and  carried  to  the  next  stopping-place. 

It  is  supposed  by  learned  theologians,  such  as  Petros 
Camoton,  that  Adam  entered  the  Garden  of  Eden  in  the 
spring.  However  that  may  bo,  it  is  certain  ho  came  out  in 
the  fall. 

"  Ma,  if  you  will  give  mo  an  appl<',  I  will  b*;  good." 
"No,   my  child;    you   must  not   bo   goo<l   for  pay:  you 
ought  to  be  fjood  for  not/iirif/.'* 
21 


322  "         MIETHFULNESS. 

An  Irish  gentleman  hearing  of  a  friend  having  a  stone 
coffin  made  for  himself,  exclaimed,  "  Be  me  sowl,  an  that's 
a  good  idee  !  Shure,  an'  a  stone  coffin  'ud  last  a  man  his 
lifetime ! " 


A  wag  said,  that  once,  on  a  journey,  he  was  put  into  a 
sleigh  with  a  dozen  or  more  passengers,  not  one  of  whom 
he  knew ;  but,  on  turning  a  short  corner,  the  sleigh  upset, 
and  he  found  them  all  out. 


"  Josiah,  how  many  scruples  are  there  in  a  drachm  ?  " 
"  Don't  know,  zur." 
"  Well,  recollect  there  are  two." 

"  Oh,  there  is,  hey  !     Well,  daddy  takes  his  dram  every 
morning  without  any  scruples." 


An  Irish  gentleman  said  to  another,  "  I  called  to  see  your 
family,  hut  they  were  not  at  home  ;  and  I  suppose  they  had 
gone  to  ride  in  a  carriage  which  was  standing  at  the  door." 


"  You  labor  over-much  on  composition,  doctor,"  said  a 
clergyman  to  an  eminent  divine.  "  I  write  a  sermon  in 
three  hours,  and  make  nothing  of  it." 

"  So  your  congregation  say"  quietly  said  the  doctor. 


"  Are  you  the  mate  of  the  ship  ?  "  asked  an  emigrant  of 
the  cook,  who  was  an  Irishman. 

"  No,  sir :  I'm  the  man  who  cooks  the  mate." 


An  old  lady,  reading  an  account  of  a  distinguished  old 
lawyer,  who  was, said  to  be  the  father  of  the  New- York  bar, 
exclaimed,  "  Poor  man  !  he  had  a  dreadful  set  of  children." 


"  Do  make  yourselves  at  home,  ladies,"  said  a  lady  one 
day  to  her  visitors.     "  I  am  at  home  myself,  and  wish  you 


were." 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  323 

During  an  examination,  a  medical  student  being  csked, 
"  When  does  mortification  ensue  ?  "  he  replied,  *'  \Vheu  you 
pop  the  question,  and  are  answered,  No." 


A  traveller  stopped  at  an  inn  to  breakfast,  and,  having 
drank  a  cup  of  what  was  given  him,  the  servant  asked, 
"  What  will  you  have,  tea  or  coifee  ?  " 

To  which  the  traveller  answered,  "  That  depends  upon 
circumstances.  If  what  you  gave  me  last  was  tea,  I  want 
coffee.     If  it  was  coffee,  I  want  tea.     I  want  a  c/iatige." 


"  John,  I  fear  you  have  been  forgetting  me,"  said  a  briglit- 
eyed  girl  to  her  sweetheart. 

"  Yes,  Sue,  I  have  been  for  getting  you  these  two  years." 


"  If  all  the  world  were  blind,  what  a  melancholy  sight  it 
would  be  ! "  said  an  Irish  clergyman. 


Leigh  Hunt  was  asked  by  a  lady,  at  a  dessert,  if  he  would 


not  venture  on  an  orange. 


"  Madam,  I  should   be  happy  to  do  so,  but   am  afraid   i 
should  tumble  oflf." 


In  Cork,  the  crier  of  the  court,  anxious  to  disperse  the 
crowd  around  the  bar,  exclaimed,  "All  ye  blackguard.s  that 
isn't  lawyers,  quit  the  court !  " 


A  conscientious  person  adirmed  that  once  in  bis  lilc  ho 
beheld  people  min<ling  their  own  busine.ss.  This  reniarlva- 
ble  occurrence  happened  at  sea,  persons  being  too  sick  to 
attend  to  each  other's  concerns. 


Tlu're  was  a  dfaron  in  Xfw  IlaiiipMhire  by  tin-  iiaini-  of 
Day,  by  tnule  a  cooixt.  (Jims  Sumlay,  he  Iward  a  nuiiilKr 
of  boys  playing  in  front  of  his  house,  and  went  to  stop  their 


324  MIRTHFULNESS. 

sabbath-breaking.     Assuming  a  grave  countenance,  he  said 
to  them,  "  Boys,  do  you  know  what  day  this  is  ?  " 

"  Yes,  sir,"  immediately  replied  one  of  the  boys :  "  Dea- 
con Day,  the  cooper." 

"  Now,  waiter,  what's  to  pay  ?  " 

"  What  have  you  had,  sir  ?  " 

"  Three  fish." 

"  Only  brought  up  two,  sir." 

"  I  had  three,  —  two  trout,  and  one  smelt." 


"  I  suppose,"  said  a  quack  while  feeling  the  pulse  of  his 
patient,  "  that  you  think  me  a  humbug." 

"  Sir,"  replied  the  sick  man,  "  I  perceive  you  can  discover 
a  man's  thoughts  by  his  pulse." 


On  one  of  the  state  trials,  the  judge  shook  his  head  while 
Curran  was  speaking.  The  latter  said  to  the  jury,  "  Believe 
me,  gentlemen,  if  you  remain  here  many  days,  you  will  your- 
selves perceive  that  when  his  lordship  shakes  his  head  there 
is  nothing  in  it." 

A  lady  of  wealth  put  her  daughter,  who  had  been  pam- 
pered by  indolence,  under  a  governess.  Upon  calling  to  in- 
quire how  she  progressed  with  her  studies,  she  was  told, 
"  Not  very  well." 

"  Why,  what  is  the  reason  ?  " 

"  She  wants  capacity." 

"  Well,  you  know  I  don't  regard  expense :  purchase  one 
immediately." 

A  bachelor  sea-captain,  who  was  remarking  that  he  want- 
ed a  good  chief  officer,  was  promptly  informed  by  a  lady 
present  that  she  had  no  objection  to  being  his  first  mate. 
He  took  the  hint  and  the  lady. 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  325 

An  Irishman  was  directed  by  a  very  large  lad}'  to  secure 
and  pay  for  two  seats  in  a  stage-coach,  for  her  accommoda- 
tion, as  she  desired  comfortable  room  in  riding.  The  fel- 
low returned  and  said,  "  I've  paid  for  the  two  seats  you  tould 
me  to ;  but  as  I  could  get  but  one  seat  for  the  inside,  I  took 
the  other  for  the  outside." 


"  "Well,  Jane,  this  is  a  queer  world,"  said  Joe  to  his  wife  : 
*'  a  sect  of  woman  philosophers  has  sprung  up." 
"  Indeed,"  said  Jane  ;  "  and  what  do  they  hold  ?  " 
"  The  strongest  thing   in   the  world,"  said   he :   "  their 
tongues." 


"Is  anybody  waiting  on  you?"  said  a  polite  dry-goods 
clerk  to  a  girl  from  the  country. 

"  Yes,  sir,"  said  the  blushing  damsel :  "  that's  my  feller 
outside.     He  wouldn't  come  in." 


An  Irish  veterinary  student,  when  under  examination,  was 
asked  what  he  would  recommend  if  a  horse  should  be 
brought  to  him  with  a  particular  disease.  "  Och  !  by  the 
powers,"  was  the  answer,  "  I'd  recommend  the  owner  to 
get  rid  of  him." 

Josh  Billings  says,  "  It  iz  highly  important,  that,  when  a 
man  makes  up  his  mind  to  bekum  a  ra.skel,  he  should  exam- 
ine hizself  clusly,  and  see  if  ho  ain't  better  konstructod  for 
a  phooL" 

Though  tliore  were  not  enough  righteous  people  in  Sodom 
to  save  the  city,  there  was  nevertheless  a  pretty  goo<l  Lot. 


A  side  judge,  in  one  of  our  county  courts,  said  the  pre- 
siding judgtj  never  consulted  him  but  twice.  On  one  occa- 
sion, he  a.skfd  him  what  he  guessed  the  law  w;ifl  in  tlie  case 


326  MIKTHFULNESS. 

on  trial ;  and  on  another  occasion,  after  listening  to  some 
windy  pleas  of  an  hour's  length  each,  he  turned  to  him  and 
whispered,  "  Isn't  this  hench  made  of  very  hard  wood  ? " 
And  he  told  him  he  thought  it  was. 


"  Sir,"  said  a  young  wife  to  her  husband,  a  few  days  after 
marriage,  "  you  were  honest  enough  to  tell  me  that  your 
chimney  smoked,  but  you  did  not  tell  me  -that  you  smoked 
yourself." 

"No  man,"  says  Mrs.  Partington,  "was  better  calculated 
to  judge  of  pork  than  my  poor  husband  was.  He  knew 
what  good  hogs  were,  for  he  had  been  brou-ght  up  with  them 
from  his  childhood." 


A  lady,  in  speaking  of  a  gathering  of  lawyers  to  dedicate 
a  new  court-house,  said  she  supposed  they  had  gone  "  to 
view  the  place  where  they  would  shortly  lie." 


"  John,  how  is  your  sweetheart  getting  along  ?  " 

"  Pretty  well,  I  guess  :  she  says  I  needn't  call  any  more." 

A  few  years  since,  a  gentleman  residing  in  Lowell,  Mass., 
accompanied  by  his  wife,  spent  a  few  days  with  a  family  in 
Boston,  on  a  friendlj^  visit.  The  wife,  under  the  direction 
of  a  physician,  was,  at  that  time,  taking  whiskey  daily  as  a 
medicine,  and  the  husband,  though  a  temperate  man,  occa- 
sionally took  the  same  liquid  without  a  doctor's  prescrip- 
tion. Before  leaving  home,  the  wife  said  to  her  husband 
that  she  would  not  take  her  medicine  with  her,  because  the 
gentleman  and  lady  whom  they  were  going  to  visit  were 
such  ultra  prohibitionists  that  the  carrying  of  whiskey  into 
their  dwelling  by  guests  would  be  ofiensive,  even  though 
the  latter  should  assure  them  that  the  article  was  used  as  a 
medicine.     The  husband  told  his  companion  to  act  her  pleas- 


MISCELLA^TEOITS   ANECDOTES.  327 

ure  :  if  she  coulJ  do  without  her  whiskey  until  she  returned, 
and  she  thouglit  the  carrying  it  with  her  would  give  oftence 
to  her  friends,  she  had  better  leave  it  at  hofiie.  The  pair 
reached  their  i"riends'  house  at  early  eve ;  and,  after  tea,  the 
gentlemen  spent  most  of  the  evening  by  themselves,  while 
the  ladies  hold  a  friendly  chat  together  in  another  room. 
When  the  visitors  retired,  the  wife  told  her  husband  that 
the  lady  of  the  house  was  in  feeble  health,  and  was  taking 
whiskey  as  a  medicine,  under  the  direction  of  a  physician, 
but  her  husband  did  not  know  what  she  was  doing,  and  she 
did  not  dare  to  let  him  know  it,  fearing  he  would  disapprove 
her  course,  even  if  he  thought  it  was  benefiting  her  health. 
She  took  her  whiskey  when  he  was  at  his  place  of  business, 
and  contrived  ways  to  prevent  her  breath  betraying  her. 

On  the  following  day  the  host  and  his  male  guest  took  a 
ride  over  the  Mill  Dam,  and  stopped  to  warm  at  the  Mill- 
dam  Hotel.  Being  a  cold  day,  the  guest  became  so  thor- 
oughly chilled  by  riding  that  he  could  not  get  warm  by  out- 
ward a[tplication.  He  went  out  with  his  host  to  take  a 
view  of  the  fast  horses  in  the  shed,  and,  slipping  away  from 
him,  entered  the  house  with  the  intention  of  obtaining  some 
hot  drink  with  which  to  warm  himself  within;  but,  before 
he  could  accomplish  his  purpose,  his  friend  was  by  his  side. 
Finally,  the  guest  said  to  his  host,  "Mr. ,  I  am  so  thor- 
oughly chilled  that  the  fire  will  not  warm  me.  I  feel  that  I 
am  taking  cold,  and  I  beli(!ve  that  a  hot  whiskey  idling  would 
do  me  good.      Will  y<iu  please  take  some  with  me." 

"  I  shall  be  very  happy  to.  I  feel  very  mu«-h  as  you  do, 
and  should  have  asked  you  to  drink  with  mo,  had  I  not  un- 
derstfKxl  that  you  were  an  ultra  temperance  man." 

Wliih,'  they  were  drinking  together,  the  Boston  man  said 
to  hiH  Lowell  friend,  "  Don't  let  my  wife  know  that  1  drank 
whiskey  with  yoti,  for  she  is  so  ultra  in  her  teinpcrance  vii-ws 
that  .she  woukl  disjipprove  of  my  taking  an  iiitMviciuit  iiiulcr 
any  circumstanccfl,  or  for  any  purpose." 


328  MIRTHFULNESS. 

A  young  man  stepped  into  a  bookstore,  and  said  he  want- 
ed to  get  a  "  Young  Man's  Companion."  The  bookseller 
directed  him  to  his  daughter. 


The  first  edition  of  Morse's  Geography  contained  this 
item  of  information  :  "  The  town  of  Albany,  N..Y.,  contains 

houses,  and citizens,  all  standing  with 

their  gable-ends  towards  the  street." 


Fifty  years  ago,  and  less,  it  was  the  custom  in  country 
towns  in  New  England  for  the  afflicted  family,  on  a  funeral 
occasion,  to  provide  a  feast  for  the  mourners,  bearers,  and 
helpers.  A  notorious  eater,  in  a  certain  town  in  New 
Hampshire,  used  to  attend  all  the  funerals  which  occurred 
in  the  region  where  he  dwelt,  and  would  contrive  to  per- 
form sufficient  service  to  secure  an  invitation  to  supper. 
A  bachelor  wag,  residing  in  the  neighborhood,  said  he 
meant  to  insert  in  his  will,  that  Uncle  Tim,  *  as  he  was 
familiarly  called,  should  not  be  invited  to  supper  at  his 
funeral ;  for  he  feared  that  his  estate  would  not  defray  the 
funeral  expenses  if  the  old  gentleman  partook  of  that 
meal. 


Professor  Munson,  M.D.,  a  respectable  physician  in  New 
Haven,  was  riding  one  day  upon  a  cream-colored  horse, 
followed  by  Judge  Edwards,  whose  reputation  in  the  de- 
partment of  the  common  virtues  was  not  good.  The  gen- 
tlemen were  intimate  acquaintances,  and  were  capable  of 
perpetrating  and  enjoying  a  good  joke.  The  judge  quick- 
ened the  movement  of  his  horse,  and,  as  he  approached  Dr. 
M.,  repeated  a  part  of  the  eighth  verse  of  the  sixth  chapter 
of  Revelation,  thus  :  "  And  I  looked,  and  behold  a  pale 
horse  ;  and  his  name  that  sat  on  him  was  Death." 

The  doctor,  turning  to  the  judge,  repeated  the  remainder 
of  the  sentence,  thus  :  "And  Hell  followed  with  him." 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  329 

IkLiJauie  de  Stael,  in  her  work  called  "  Delpliiue,"  was 
charged  with  having  represented  Talleyrand  iu  the  charac- 
ter of  an  old  woman.  Meeting  that  distinguished  gentle- 
man, Madame  urged  him  to  give  her  his  opinion  of  her 
book.  In  reply  to  lier  urging,  Talleyrand  said,  "  That  is 
the  work,  is  it  not,  in  which  you  and  I  are  exhibited  in  the 
disguise  of  females  ?  " 

A  certain  Yankee  merchant,  who  was  a  successful  trader, 
and  a  distinguished  ladies'  man,  said,  in  company  with  sev- 
eral of  his  gentlemen  associates  in  a  barber's  shop,  that  he 
would  sell  any  article  he  owned,  if  he  could  get  his  price. 
He  wore  some  very  handsomely  dressed  whiskers,  of  which 
he  was  manifestly  proud.  One  of  his  associates  said  to 
him,  "  Will  you  sell  your  whiskers  ?  " 

"  Yes,"  was  the  reply. 

"  What  will  you  take  for  them  ?  " 

«  Fifty  dollars." 

"  Will  you  give  me  a  written  obligation  for  the  whiskers 
whenever  I  please  to  call  for  them,  if  I  will  give  you  fifty 
dollars  now  ?  " 

"  Yes." 

The  obligation  was  written  and  signed,  and  the  money 
was  paid.  A  few  weeks  after  this  business  transaction,  on 
the  evening  of  a  ball,  of  which  the  whiskered  gentleman 
was  a  manager,  the  man  who  lja<l  bought  his  whiskers  sent 
for  him  to  meet  liim  at  the  barber's  shop.  lie  ans\Mt'red 
the  call,  and  met  him  who  issued  it,  at  the  place  named. 
The  whiskered  gentleman  was  dressed  for  the  ball,  and  said 
that  several  ladies  were  expecting  him  to  call  for  them  iu 
a  few  minutes  from  that  time.  The  purcluiser  of  his 
whiskers  told  him  he  wanted  the  article  then,  and  directed 
the  barl)er  to  prepare  to  Bhavc;  them  ofl".  The  hall-manager 
a-sked  it  the  shaving  could  not  Iw  postponecl  until  the  next 
day ;  but  was  told   it  could   not.     The   i)urchaser  told  the 


330  MIRTHFULNESS. 

barber  to  shave  just  one-half  of  the  whiskers,  and  stop. 
This  order  was  obeyed ;  and  he  who  gave  it  said  he  should 
delay  taking  the  remainder  of  his  purchase  Until  he  gave 
notice.  The  half-shaved  man  urged  that  the  work  might 
be  completed;  and  offered  twenty,  thirty,  forty,  even  fifty 
dollars,  if  the  purchaser  would  take  the  remainder  of  his 
purchase  then.  Finding  himself  unable  to  make  a  bar- 
gain on  this  line,  he  asked  his  tormentor  if  he  would  sell 
him  the  whiskers.  He  said  he  would  sell  them  to  him  for 
one  hundred  dollars.  The  bargain  was  closed,  the  money 
was  paid,  the  other  half  of  the  whiskers  was  taken  off,  and 
he  who  was  so  proud  of  them  went  to  the  party  with  a 
smooth  face,  and  with  a  loss  of  fifty  dollars  in  this  business 
transaction. 


"  Pat,  if  Mr.  Jones  comes  before  my  return,  tell  him  that 
I  will  meet  him  here  at  two  o'clock." 

"Ay,  ay,  sir;  but  what  shall  I,  tell  him  if  he  don't  come  ?  " 


"  Mynheer,  do  you  know  what  for  we  call  our  boy  Hans  ?" 
"  I  do  not,  really." 

"  Veil,  I  will  tell  you.     Der  reason  we  call  our  boy  Hans 
is,  it  ish  his  name." 


A  barrister  who  was  remarkable  for  coming  into  court 
with  dirty  hands,  observed  that  he  had  been  turning  over 
Coke. 

"  Coke,"  exclaimed  a  waggish  brother,  "  I  thought  it  was 
coal." 


An  Irish  captain  in  the  army,  newly  appointed  to  driU  his 
regiment,  vociferated  his  first  order  in  a  loud  voice,  to  show 
his  authority,  thus  :  "  Advance  three  steps  backwards ;  and 
those  men  without  arms,  hold  up  your  hands," 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  331 

"  Colonel  BrovsTi,  I  owe  you  a  grudge  :  remember  that." 
"  I  shall  not  be  frightened,  then,  for  I  never  knew  you  to 
pay  any  thing  you  owe." 


A  young  talented  lawyer,  who  had  distinguished  himself 
on  the  sea  and  on  tlie  land,  called  one  da}'  on  the  great 
jury  advocate  of  Massachusetts,  just  about  the  time  the  lat- 
ter was  accustomed  to  take  a  stimulating  beverage.  Soon 
after  the  interview  commenced,  Mr.  C.  stated  to  Mr.  D. 
what  his  custom  was,  and  added,  "  My  friend,  shall  the  bev- 
erage  be  coffee,  or  brandy?" 

Mr.  D.  replied,  "Being  your  guest,  sir,  it  would  be  highly 
improper  for  me  to  decide  upon  the  entertainment  of  this 
occasion.  Permit  me  to  submit  this  important  decision  to 
your  mature  and  practised  judgment.  That  decision,  no 
doubt,  will  be  eminently  wise." 

After  giving  profound  attention  to  the  subject  for  a  brief 
time,  Mr.  C.  said,  with  great  solemnity  of  tone,  "  The 
weight  of  the  argument  appears  to  be  strongly  in  favor  of 
the  brandy  ;  and  my  decision  accords  with  the  argument, 
finding  myself  unwilling  to  resist  its  force." 

Having  announced  his  decision,  the  distinguished  advo- 
cate drew  a  small  chest  from  under  his  office-sofa,  and  took 
therefrom  a  bottle  and  a  couple  of  tumblers.  "While  in  the 
act  of  pouring  the  contents  of  the  former  into  the  latter, 
f<K)tstops  were  heard  ai»proaching  the  door,  and  the  bottle 
an<l  tumblers  were  quii;kly  returned  to  tlio  chest,  and  the 
latter  removed  to  its  place.  The  office-door  soon  opened, 
and  the  Hon,  Mr.  H.,  a  successful  businest^-man,  and  one 
of  great  physical  and  intellectual  weight,  entered  with  his 
countenance  adorned  in  smiles,  and  his  bosom  swollen  with 
kind  feelings  towards  all. 

"  Welcome,  thrice  welcome,  Mr.  II.,"  said  Mr.  C.  "It 
imparts  to  us  peculiar  pleasure  to  look  \x\wix  your  g«'nial 
face,  and  to  take  your  friendly  hand  in  ours.     As  wo  heard 


332  MIETHFULNESS. 

your  footsteps  approaching  the  door,  we  thought  they  were 
the  footsteps  of  a  Presbyterian :  we  are  happy  to  learn  our 
mistake.  Our  mutual  friend,  Mr.  D.,  has  imposed  upon  me 
the  task  of  deciding  whether  we  should  regale  ourselves  with 
coffee,  or  with  brandy,  at  this  hour  of  the  day ;  and,  after 
considering  the  subject  candidly,  I  decided  in  favor  of  the 
latter ;  and,  as  we  heard  the  noise  of  your  coming,  we  were 
about  to  adopt  the  decision  in  a  practical  way.  Will  you, 
respected  sir,  join  us  in  this  adoption  ?  " 

Mr.,  H.  replied,  "  Mr.  C,  you  ^re  always  irresistible,  and 
I  have  neither  ability  nor  disposition  to  throw  the  least 
obstacle  in  the  way  of  executing  a  plan  so  fully  approved 
by  your  tastes  and  mine.  I  move  we  all  regale  in  accord- 
ance with  the  decision  of  which  you  have  spoken." 

The  motion  was  put,  and  unanimously  adopted,  and  they 
all  regaled.  How  strange,  and  wholly  out  of  place,  would 
such  a  scene  as  this  in  a  lawyer's  office  appear  in  these 
prohibitory  times  ! 

On  a  certain  occasion,  when  useful  machines  were  being 
arranged  at  the  Mechanics'  Fair  in  Boston,  the  question 
was  asked,  "What  motto  shall  be  placed  over  the  Fair- 
banks scales  ?  "  Judge  Kussell  and  Judge  Warren  being 
present,  the  former  recommended  this  quotation  from  Job  : 
"  His  scales  are  his  pride."  The  latter  suggested  this  Latin 
motto,  "  Monstrat  viam,"  "  He  shows  the  way  "  (weigh). 


Before  the  present  representative  district  system  was 
adopted  in  Massachusetts,  the  number  of  representatives 
was  reduced  by  permitting  small  towns  entitled  to  one  rep- 
resentative each  year  to  send  one  a  certain  number  of  years 
in  ten,  and  the  number  was  expressed  by  the  numerator  of 
a  fraction.  Towns  entitled  to  two  representatives  were  per- 
mitted to  send  one  every  year,  and  another  a  certain  num- 
ber of  years  in  ten.     By  this  new  arrangement,  Concord 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  333 

was  entitled  to  one  every  year,  and  one  other  four  j'ears  in 
ten.  "Wliat  belonged  to  them  was  expressed  by  the  frac- 
tion, 1  j^.  Concord  had  sent  the  same  two  men  to  the  Legis- 
lature for  several  years  ;  and  when  the  town  was  furnished 
with  their  new  apportionment,  expressed  thus, — 1/^, — 
Judge  Hoar  remarked,  in  the  presence  of  several  gentlemen, 
"  I  suppose  that  Concord  will  continue  to  send  the  same  two 
men  to  the  Legislature  who  have  represented  her  there  the 
past  few  years,  as  she  is  entitled  to  one  and  four-tenths  of  a 
man." 


Love  is  Blixd.  —  An  attractive  young  lady,  whose 
parents  possessed  great  wealth,  was  strongly  prejudiced 
against  tobacco-smoking.  The  smell  of  the  weed  was  very 
offensive,  and  the  man  who  used  it  in  the  form  of  a  lighted 
cigar  was  positively  disgusting  to  her.  She  resolved  never 
to  entertain  a  proposal  of  marriage  from,  or  even  to  keep 
company  with,  a  cigar-smoker.  An  accomplished  young 
gentleman  offered  himself  to  her,  who  falsely  asserted  that 
he  never  smoked,  and  that  the  smell  of  burning  tobacco  was 
positively  offensive  to  him.  To  convince  lier  of  the  truth 
of  his  assertion,  he  proposed  boarding  in  her  father's  family 
six  weeks,  during  which  time  his  habits  would  be  subjected 
to  her  inspection.  The  young  lady's  affections  were  soon 
won  by  the  young  man,  whose  every  action  seemed  to  her 
attractive.  A  short  time  before  the  expiration  of  the  six 
weeks'  trial,  the  young  lady's  servant-maid  ran  to  her  one 
day,  greatly  excjted,  exclaiming,  "  As  true  as  you  are  alive, 
!Mr. is  smoking." 

"  It  can't  be,"  said  the  young  lady ;  "  I  won't  believe  it." 
But  she  consented  to  accompany  her  .servant  to  the  door  of 
the  room  occupied  b}'  her  lover,  and  to  look  through  the 
key-hole  for  the  purpose  of  seeing  what  Wiis  to  bu  .seen. 
As  she  looked,  she  disi-overed  the  object  of  her  afTections 
bitting  in  the  fire-place,  with  his  head  so  arranged  that  iho 


334  MIRTHFULNESS. 

smoke  from  his  cigar  was  passing  up  chimney.  Afterlooking 
upon  this  object  a  brief'time,  she  turned  to  her  maid,  wring- 
ing her  hands  in  agony,  and  exclaiming,  "It  is  a  fact:  he 
does  smoke."  She  took  a  second  look,  and  turned  a  second 
time  to  her  maid,  repeating  her  former  exclamation,  but  with 
much  less  emotion.  A  third  time  she  looked  through  the 
key-hole,  and  continued  her  gaze  longer  than  before,  during 
which  her  countenance  underwent  a  manifest  change.  As 
she  turned  to  her  maid  the  third  time,  she  exclaimed,  "  It 
is  a  fact,  he  does  smoke ;  but  did  you  ever  see  any  man 
smoke  so  gracefully  ?  " 

The  Folly  of  borrowing  Trouble.  —  An  ancient 
maiden  lady,  in  her  forty-seventh  year,  was  found  by  her 
mother  strongly  excited  with  grief,  which  manifested  itself 
in  loud  crying  and  flowing  tears.  The  kind  mother  asked 
her  the  cause  of  her  crying.  As  soon  as  the  daughter  could 
compose  herself  sufficiently  to  enable  her  to  speak  so  that 
she  could  be  understood,  she  said,  — 

"I  have  been  thinking,  that  if  I  should  marry,  and 
should  have  a  pretty  little  son,  and  he  should  get  to  play- 
ing with  a  fork,  and  should  put  out  both  of  his  eyes,  how 
badly  I  should  feeV^ 

The  mother  laughed,  and  told  her  daughter  she  was  in  no 
immediate  danger  of  experiencing  such  an  overwhelming 
affliction. 


•  Col.  Isaac  0.  Barnes  attended  a  funeral,  the  services  of 
which  were  delayed  considerably  beyond  the  time  of  their 
appointment.  Being  tired  of  waiting,  the  colonel  com- 
menced a  conversation  with  the  person  who  sat  next  him 
upon  the  character  of  the  deceased. 

i'  Mr. was  a  very  nice  man,  wasn't  he  ?  "  The  re- 
ply was  in  the  affirmative. 

"  He  was  a  man  of  energy  and  of  good  executive  power, 
wasn't  he  ?  " 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  335 

"  Yes,"  was  tlie  reply. 

"  I  really  believe,"   said   the  colonel,  "  if  Mr. had 

been  here,  he  would  have  put  these  ceremonies  through  be- 
fore this  time." 


A  Scotch  clergyman,  preaching  one  day,  quoted  the  lan- 
guage of  the  Psalmist,  — 

''  I  said  in  my  haste  that  all  men  arcliars." 
Addressing    the    author,    he   said,    "What's   that,  Mr. 
Psalmist  ?     Said  it  in  your  haste,  did  you  ?    Had  you  lived 
in  our  day,  you  might  have  said  it  at  your  leisure." 


A  man  was  arraigned  before  a  justice  of  the  peace,  out 
West,  charged  with  stealing  a  pig.  Two  good  witnesses 
swore  they  saw  the  accused  take  the  pig  from  the  pen,  and 
bear  it  away  to  his  home.  The  law^'er  for  the  defence 
brought  twelve  good  witnesses,  who  testified  positively  that 
they  did  not  see  the  accused  steal  the  pig.  The  only  point 
made  by  the  advocate  for  the  accused  was,  that  the  testi- 
mony of  twelve  men  should  outweigh  that  of  two.  This 
one-point  argument  prevailed,  and  the  accused  wTis  acquitted. 


A.  case  was  on  trial  before  a  justice  of  the  peace  in  Ver- 
mont, one  party  in  wliieh  was  his  own  advocate,  while  the 
other  employed  a  third-rate  lawyer.  The  >nq>rufe.ssioual  a<l- 
vocate  Haw  that  bis  (»pponent  was  manifestly  gaining  advan- 
tage of  him,  and  began  to  consider  his  case  as  lost ;  when, 
ca.sting  his  eye  out  of  the  window,  he  discovered  a  distin- 
guished lawyer  pa-ssing  in  his  carriage.  Leaving  the  court- 
room, he  rushed  into  the  street,  and  called  uj)on  the  jiassing 
lawyer  to  stop,  and,  nmch  excited,  told  him  to  go  into 
court  and  take  care  of  his  case,  and  he  would  take  care  of 
the  team.  The  lawyer  did  as  he  was  rciiucsted  ;  aiwf  the 
old  juhtiic  fi'lt  hiiiihclf  bigbly  honon-d  by  buviiig  sucb  an 
advocate  appear  before  him.     After  shaking  hands  with  ihu 


336  MIRTHFULNESS. 

old  squire,  who  was  very  deaf,  the  lawyer  said  he  would  take 
the  history  of  the  case  from  him  to  the  stage  which  had 
been  reached.     Taking  a  seat  near  him,  the  lawyer  said,  — 

"  I  will  now  hear  your  statement." 

After  describing  the  case,  the  old  squire  stated  the  prin- 
cipal points  in  the  testimony,  and  what  Jie  himself  had  said 
and  done.     The  lawyer  said  to  the  old  gentleman,  — 

"  I  heartily  approve  of  all  you  have  done;  I  should  have 
done  just  so  myself,  had  I  been  in  your  place." 

This  complimentary  approval  pleased  the  court  wonder- 
fully ;  and  the  opposing  counsel  saw  how  the  cunning  law- 
yer was  working  himself  into  favor  with  the  man  who  was 
to  decide  the  case,  and  he  addressed  him  thus :  — 

"  You  are  not  acting  honorably." 

"  What  does  he  say  ?  "  said  the  deaf  old  squire  to  the 
lawyer. 

"  He  says  you  are  not  acting  honorably." 

"  Silence  ! "  said  the  court. 

"  You  misrepresent  facts." 

"  What  does  he  say  ?  "  • 

"  He  says  you  misrepresent  facts." 

"  Silence  !    The  court  will  not  be  insulted." 

"  You  are  a  rascal." 

"What  does  he  say?" 

"  He  says  you  are  a  rascal." 

"  Silence  !  The  court  will  not  endure  these  insults.  I 
give  my  verdict  for  the  defendant." 

The  defendant  was  the  man  who  undertook  to  manage 
his  own  case.  The  distinguished  lawyer  took  a  respectful 
leave  of  the  old  squire,  and  went  out  with  his  client,  who 
asked  him  for  his  fee,  and  was  told," Nothinff  /  " 


About  the  year  1795,  the  first  stage-coach  ever  run  in 
New  Hampshire  was  put  upon  the  road  connecting  Am- 
herst with  Boston.     The  commencement  of  this  enterprise 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  337 

excited  great  public  interest.  It  was  a  two-horse  covered 
vehicle,  owned  and  driven  by  Mr.  Joseph  Wheat ;  and  ran 
from  Amherst  to  Boston  and  back  again  once  a  week,  —  a 
distance  of  fifty  miles.  The  stage  stopped  in  Billerica  over 
night,  making  the  trip  in  about  four  days.  The  advantage 
of  changing  horses  was  not  then  discovered ;  for  the  same 
team  performed  the  whole  journey.  People  came  from  a 
distance  of  several  miles  "  to  look  at-  the  stage  ;  "  and  tliey 
gazed  upon  it  with  the  same  feeling  of  wonder  that  their 
successors  did  upon  the  iron  horse  with  his  train  of  cars. 
As  very  few  people  travelled  in  the  stage,  Mr.  Wheat  could 
not  afford  to  keep  a  good  team.  His  liorses  were  poorly 
fed,  and  slow  travellers.  Several  anecdotes  are  told  of  him, 
illustrating  these  qualities  of  his  team.  He  used  to  drive 
through  Middlesex  Village,  Chelmsford,  and  there  bate  his 
horses.  On  a  certain  day,  he  stopped  at  that  place  ;  and 
being  without  passengers,  as  was  often  the  case,  he  asked 
an  Irishman,  wlio  was  going  to  Boston,  to  ride  with  him. 
The  Irishman  replied,  — 

"  I  thank  you,  Mr.  Wheat,  I  thank  you  ver}'  kindly  ;  but  I 
have  engaged  to  be  in  the  city  at  such  a  time,  and  there- 
fore I  cannot  travel  as  slowly  as  you  do.  I  nmst  be  after 
going  on  foot.  If  I  only  had  time,  it  would  give  me  great 
pleasure  to  ride  with  you ;  indeed  it  would." 

On  another  occasion,  this  witty  Irishman  walked  a  con- 
siderable distance  in  company  with  the  stage,  when  it 
happen«'<l  to  be  loaded.  The  driver  said  to  his  foot-com- 
panion, — 

"  I  am  sorry  I  cannot  take  you  up." 

"  Oh,  no  consequence,  no  consequence,  Mr.  Wheat,"  re- 
plied the  Irishman  ;  ''  but  hadn't  I  better  take  the  mail  ? 
I'm  going  directly  to  Boston,  and  it  may  accommodate  the 
good  people  there  to  obtain  their  letters  before  you  hhall 
arrive." 

On  another  orcasion,  Mr.  Wheat  overtook  a  man  on  llxtt, 

22 


338  MIRTHFULNESS. 

and,  being  without  passengers,  asked  him  to  ride.  The 
traveller  accepted  the  invitation ;  but,  going  up  ascend- 
ing ground,  he  jumped  from  the  coach,  and  walked  on,  say- 
ing to  the  driver  that  he  was  in  a  liurry,  and  therefore 
could  not  stop  to  ride  in  the  stage. 

Mr.  Wheat  had  a  very  long  nose.  The  newspaper  pub- 
lished at  Amherst,  in  one  of  its  issues,  contained  this  state- 
ment: — 

"The  weekly  mail  has  not  arrived;  but,  as  we  .go  to 
press,  the  nose  attached  to  the  mail-coach  has  made  its  ap- 
pearance at  the  lower  end  of  the  plain  ;  therefore  we  confi- 
dently expect  the  mail  soon." 


The  English  Clergy  in  the  Time  of  Elizabeth.  — 
The  following  quotations  are  from  Macaulay's  '■'  History  of 
England  :  "  "  The  clergy  were  regarded  as,  on  the  whole,  a 
plebeian  class.  And,  indeed,  for  one  who  made  the  figure 
of  a  gentleman,  ten  were  mere  menial  servants.  A  large 
proportion  of  those  divines  who  had  no  benefices,  or  whose 
benefices  were  too  small  to  afford  a  comfortable  revenue, 
lived  in  the  houses  of  laymen.  .  .  .  The  coarse  and  ig- 
norant squire,  who  thought  that  it  belonged  to  his  dignity  to 
have  grace  said  every  day  at  his  table  by  an  ecclesiastic  in 
full  canonicals,  found  means  to  reconcile  dignity  with  econ- 
omy. A  young  Levite  —  such  was  the  phrase  then  in  use 
—  might  be  had  for  his  board,  a  small  garret,  and  ten 
pounds  a  year ;  and  might  not  only  be  always  ready  in  fine 
weather  for  bowls,  and  in  rainy  weather  for  shovel-board, 
but  might  also  save  the  expense  of  a  gardener  or  of  a 
groom.  Sometimes  the  reverend  man  nailed  up  the  apri- 
cots, and  sometimes  he  curried  the  coach-horses.  He  cast 
up  the  farrier's  bills.  He  walked  ten  miles  with  a  message 
or  a  parcel.  If  he  was  permitted  to  dine  with  the  fam- 
ily, he  was  expected  to  content  himself  with  the  plainest 
fare.     He  might  fill  himself  with  the  corned  beef  and  the 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  339 

carrots ;  but  as  soon  as  the  tarts  and  cheese-cakes  made 
their  appearance,  he  quitted  his  seat,  and  stood  aloof  till 
he  was  summoned  to  return  thanks  for  the  repast,  from  a 
great  part  of  which  he  had  been  excluded.  .  .  .  With 
his  cure,  he  was  expected  to  take  a  wife.  ...  A  wait- 
ing-woman was  generally  considered  as  the  most  suitable 
helpmate  for  a  parson.  Queen  Elizabeth,  as  head  of  the 
Church,  had  given  what  seemed  to  be  a  formal  sanction  to 
this  prejudice,  by  issuing  special  orders  that  no  clergyman 
should  presume  to  marry  a  servant-girl  without  the  consent 
of  her  master  or  mistress.  During  several  generations, 
accordingly,  the  relation  between  priests  and  handmaidens 
was  a  theme  for  endless  jest ;  nor  would  it  be  easy  to  find, 
in  the  comedy  of  the  seventeenth  century,  a  single  instance 
of  a  clergyman  who  wins  a  spouse  above  the  rank  of  cook." 
What  a  contrast  between  the  American  clergy  of  the  nine- 
teenth century  and  their  predecessors  just  described !  The 
former  are  often  chief  guests  at  the  table,  where  they  are 
permitted  to  partake  of  every  course,  not  omitting  the 
luxuries  which  constitute  the  dessert.  As  a  class,  they  are 
peculiarly  attractive  to  the  other  sex,  and  find  no  special 
ditliculty  in  forming  a  union  with  fair  ones  from  the  higher 
ranks  of  society.  The  old  and  feeble,  as  well  as  the  young 
and  vigorous,  are  drawn  into  this  union  with  female  com- 
jmiiioiis  fully  conipcti-nt  to  .share  with  them  the  respousihil- 
itics  and  duties,  the  privileges  and  honor,  of  the  sacred  uflice. 
Even  the  aged  ministerial  eripples  whom  liishop  A.sbury 
regarded  so  perfectly  destitute  of  attractions  that  no  females 
on  their  circuit  would  attempt  to  win  them  into  matrimony, 
—  even  they  were  drawn  into  this  relation,  before  the  expi- 
ration of  their  first  year's  service.  Surely  times  have 
changed  1     Tln-re  Is  sueh  a  thing  as  progress. 


A  young  man,  who  had  formerly  attended  Dr.  l^ethune'a 
meeting,  after  an  absence  of  a  few  years  called  upon  him, 


340  MIRTHFULNESS. 

and  said,  "  Dr.  Bethune,  I  have  become  a  Chrifitian  since  I 
saw  you,  and  have  joined  the  army  of  the  liord," 

"  I  am  very  glad  to  hear  it,"  said  the  doctor ;  and  added, 
"With  what  denomination  have  you  become  connected  ?  " 

"  The  Baptists/'  was  his  reply. 

"  The  Baptists,"  said  Dr.  Bethune,  "  constitute  the  navy 
of  the  Lord." 


In  a  public  lecture  upon  the  education  of  children,  Dr. 
Bethune  said  that  the  best  essays  on  this  subject  had  been 
written  either  by  wives  who  had  never  borne  children,  or 
by  maiden  ladies. 

The  compiler,  some  thirty-five  years  ago,  heard,  in  the 
city  of  Cincinnati,  an  introductory  political  speech,  which 
closed  in  the  following  language  :  — 

"  Fellow-citizens,  on  next  Tuesday  you  will  be  called  to 
perform  an  important  duty.  You  will  be  called  to  exercise 
the  right  of  suffrage,  —  a  most  sacred  right.  In  that  exer- 
cise, remember,  you  are  acting  not  only  for  yourselves,  but 
for  your  progenitors.'" 

The  trustees  of  a  female  Baptist  seminary  being  in  want 
of  a  principal,  and  learning  that  a  Congregational  lady  of 
good  reputation  as  teacher  could  probably  be  obtained  for 
their  service,  called  upon  her  and  made  known  their  wants, 
and  learned  that  her  services  could  be  obtained.  Her 
credentials  were  satisfactorjr  to  the  gentlemen,  and  the 
pay  they  offered  was  satisfactory  to  her.  They  told  her  that 
it  was  a  rule  of  the  seminary  that  all  the  pupils  should  attend 
church  twice  each  sabbath,  when  in  health ;  and  as  their 
church  was  the  only  one  in  the  village,  they  all  attended  it, 
and  the  principal  accompanied  them.  They  asked  her  if 
she  would  be''willing  to  attend  a  Baptist  meeting. 

"  Oh,  yes,  gentlemen,"  was  her  reply :  "  I  will  worship 
with  you,  and  commjine  with  you  too." 


MISCELLANEOUS   ANECDOTES.  341 

•  A  3'oung  ph3'sician  in  tlie  "West,  having  the  gift  of  talk, 
was  persuaded  to  take  the  stump  in  the  advocacy  of  liis 
fitness  and  chiiins  for  a  political  office.  While  absent  from 
home,  in  conducting  liis  part  of  the  campaign,  he  was  so 
much  abused  by  his  competitor,  and  others  opposed  to  him 
in  the  contest,  that  he  said  he  began  to  think  he  was  not 
the  man  he  used  to  be  ;  that  he  had  really  become  another 
person,  possessing  a  bad  reputation  and  a  vile  character. 
As  he  approached  his  house,  he  was  met  by  his  little  dog, 
who  recognized  him  as  his  master,  and  who  manifested 
great  joy  in  welcoming  him  there.  Witnessing  this  con- 
duct of  his  dog  convinced  him  that  he  had  not  changed, 
and  that  all  the  representations  of  himself  he  had  heard 
were  false. 


A  great  many  years  ago,  a  good  mother  found  her  two 
little  boys,  her  only  children,  quarrelling,  and  said  to  them, 
"  Boys,  why  can't  you  play  together  in  peace  ?  If  you 
will  observe  this  simple  rule,  you  will  get  along  without 
trouble  :  '  Let  each  one  take  care  of  one.'  " 

"That  is  just  what  I  wish  to  do,"  said  Peter:  "I  wish  to 
take  care  of  John." 


Within  a  few  miles  of  the  old  homestead  where  the  com- 
piler's youthful  days  were  spent,  there  stood,  not  long  ago, 
a  very  oM  house,  in  wliich  an  honest  and  wealtliy  farmer 
of  tlie  Puritan  stamp  lived,  and  died  at  tlie  great  age  of 
more  than  ninety  years,  lie  reared  a  respectable  famil}'. 
One  of  his  sons  is  now  residing  in  a  city  of  Massachusetts, 
retired  from  business  with  a  fortune  which  ranks  him  with 
the  indepen<lently  rich.  The  house  in  which  tjiis  old 
Yankee  gentleman  lived  a  temperate,  religious,  and  useful 
life,  was  a  low,  on(.'-story  Ijuilding,  without  paint,  plastering, 
or  clapboanls.  Two  rooms  were  sheathed  bilow  the  win- 
dows, and  uU  the  others  were  witliout  this  shield  from  tho 


342  MIRTHFULNESS. 

cold.  The  chamber  consisted  of  one  room,  which  was  well 
supplied  with  such  chamber-furniture  .as  the  following: 
There  stood  the  boys'  beds,  the  family  meal-chest,  with  all 
its  partings,  and  the  bins  for  different  kinds  of  grain. 
When  the  owner  and  occupant  of  this  house  was  about 
sixty  years  of  age,  he  married  a  widow,  who  brought  to  his 
home  two  minor  children.  Wishing  the  house  to  be  made 
more  comfortable  for  herself  and  hers,  the  new  wife  asked 
her  husband  to  plaster  two  rooms  below,  and  to  furnish  a 
sleeping-room  above.  The  reply  of  the  husband  was, 
"  This  house  has  served  my  first  wife  and  her  children, 
and  I  guess  it  must  do  for  you  and  your  children." 


Some  years  ago,  there  was  a  caricature,  very  graphically 
portraying  the  grades  of  difference  in  the  ardor  of  the 
three  nations,  —  the  English,  Irish,  and  Scotch.  An  Eng- 
lishman, an  Irishman,  and  a  Scotchman  were  represented 
as  looking  through  a  confectioner's  window  at  a  beautiful 
young  woman  serving  in  the  shop. 

"  Oh  !  "  exclaimed  Mr.  Patrick,  "  do  let  us  be  after  spend- 
ing a  half-crown  with  the  dear  craytur,  that  we  may  look  at 
her  convaniently,  and  have  a  bit  of  chat  with  her." 

"  You  extravagant  dog  !  "  says  Mr.  George  :  "  I'm  sure 
one-half  the  money  will  do  quite  as  well.  But  let  us  go  in, 
by  all  means  :  she's  a  charming  girl." 

"  Ah,  wait  a  wee  ! "  interrupted  Mr.  Andrew :  "  dinna  ye 
ken  it'll  serve  our  purpose  equally  weel  just  to  ask  the 
bonny  lassie  to  gie  us  twa  sixpences  for  a  shilling,  and  in- 
quire where's  Mr.  Thompson's  hoose,  and  sic  like  ?  We're 
no  hungry,  and  may  as  weel  save  the  siller." 


When  General  V was   quartered  in  a  small  town  in 

Ireland,  he  and  his  lady  were  regularly  besieged,  whenever 
they  got  into  their  carriage,  by  an  old  beggar-woman,  wlio 
kept  her  post  at  the  door,  assailing  them  daily  with  fresh 


MISCELLANEOUS  ANECDOTES.  343 

importunities  and  fresh  tales  of  distress.  At  last  the  lady's 
charity  and  the  general's  patience  were  nearly  exhausted ; 
but  their  petitioner's  wit  was  still  in  its  pristine  vigor. 
One  morning,  at  the  accustomed  hour,  when  the  lady  was 
getting  into  her  carriage,  the  old  woman  began :  "  Agh  !  my 
lady ;  success  to  yer  ladj'ship,  and  success  to  yer  honor's 
honor  this  morning,  of  all  the  days  in  the  year;  for, 
sure,  didn't  I  drame  last  night  that  her  ladyship  gave  me  a 
pound  of  tay,  and  that  yer  honor  gave  me  a  pound  of 
tobacco?" 

"  But,  my  good  woman,"  said   the  general,  "  do  you  not 
know  that  dreams  always  go  by  the  rule  of  contrary  ?  " 
"  Do  they  so,  plase  yer  honor  ?  "  rejoined  the  old  woman  : 
»     "  then  it  must  be  yer  honor  that  will  give  me  the  tay,  and 
her  ladyship  that  will  give  me  the  tobacco." 


An  English  yeoman  once  evinced  an  ignorance  of  the 
meaning  of  words  which  proved  profitable  to  his  religious 
teacher.  The  latter,  in  closing  a  sermon,  stated  that  he  had 
fiill  confidence  in  the  scriptural  correctness  of  the  views  he 
had  expressed  ;  yet  he  must  admit  that  other  opinions  pre- 
vailed, and  certainly  the  commentaries  did  not  agree  with 
him.  On  the  following  day,  the  yeoman  referred  to  called 
upon  his  pastor,  fallowed  by  a  stout  fellow  bearing  a  well- 
fillcd  sack  iijion  his  shoulders,  and  said  to  the  reverend  gen- 
tleman, '*  hscr,  yo  towd  us  yisterday,  i'  yore  sarmon,  th'  com- 
mon 'tatoes  didn't  agree  wi'  yo ;  so  I've  browt  a  seek  o'  th' 
Onnskirk  sets,  o'  my  own  growin' ;  and  I  liiow  they're 
good  uns :  so  I  hope  yo'll  accept  on  um,  and  that  they'll 
agree  wi'  yo." 


One  evening,  at  Oxford,  l)r.  riohnson  was  present  at  a 
private  party,  when,  among  other  topics,  an  essay  on  the 
futiiT';  life  of  brutes  was  mentioned,  and  a  gentleman  pres- 
ent was  inclined  to  support  the  author's  opinion,  that  the 


344  MIETHFULNESS. 

■e 

lower  animals  have  an  "immortal  part."  He  familiarly 
remarked  to  the  doctor,  "  Really,  sir,  when  we  see  a  very 
sensible  dog,  we  don't  know  what  to  think  of  him."  Upon 
which,  Johnson,  turning  quickly  round,  replied,  "True,  sir; 
and  when  we  see  a  very  foolish  felloiv,  we  don't  know  what 
to  think  of  hiyn." 


A  traveller  coming  into  the  kitchen  of  an  inn,  in  a  very 
cold  night,  stood  so  close  to  the  fire  that  he  burnt  his  boots. 
An  arch  rogue,  who  sat  in  the  chimney-corner,  cried  out  to 
him,  "  Sir,  you'll  burn  your  spurs  presently." 

"  My  boots,  you  mean,  I  suppose,"  said  the  gentleman. 

"  No,  sir,"  replied  the  other  :   "  the^  are  burnt  already." 


A  busy  impertinent,  entertaining  Aristotle  the  philoso- 
pher one  day  with  a  tedious  discourse,  and  observing  that 
he  did  not  much  regard  him,  made  an  apology,  that  he  was 
afraid  he  had  interrupted  him. 

"  No,  really,"  replied  the  philosopher :  "  you  have  not 
interrupted  me  at  all,  for  I  have  not  minded  one  word  you 
said." 


As  a  certain  musician,  who  had  a  very  bad  voice,  was 
singing  one  day,  he  took  notice  of  a  gentlewoman  who  fell 
a-crying ;  when,  imagining  that  the  sweetness  of  his  melody 
awoke  some  passion  in  her  breast,  he  began  to  sing  louder, 
and  she  to  weep  more  bitterly.  When  he  had  ended  his 
song,  he  approached  the  lady,  and  asked  her  why  she  cried. 

"  Oh  ! "  said  she,  "  I  am  the  unfortunate  woman  whose 
ass  the  wolves  devoured  yesterday ;  and  when  I  heard  you 
sing,  I  thought  on  my  poor  beast ;  for,  surely,  never  were  two 
voices  so  much  alike  as  his  and  yours." 


When  Garrick  was  last  at  Paris,  Preville,  the  celebrated 
French  actor,  invited  him  to  his  villa.     Our  Eoscius,  being 


MISCELLANEOUS   A>rECDOTES.  345 

in  a  gay  humor,  proposed  to  go  in  one  of  the  hired  coaches 
that  rogularly  ply  between  Pari9  and  Versailles,  on  which 
road  Preville's  villa  was  situated.  When  they  got  in,  Gar- 
rick  ordered  the  coachmau  to  drive  on ;  but  the  fellow 
answered  -that  he  would  do  so  as  soon  as  he  had  got  his 
complement  of  four  passengers. 

A  caprice  imn;ediately  seized  Garrick :  he  determined 
to  give  his  brother-player  a  specimen  of  his  art.  While 
the  coachman  was  attentively  looking  out  for  passengers, 
Garrick  slipped  out  at  the  door,  went  round  the  coach, 
and,  by  his  wonderful  command  of  countenance,  —  a  power 
which  he  so  happily  displayed  in  Abel  Drugger,  —  palmed 
himself  upon  the  coachman  as  a  stranger.  This  he  did 
twice,  and  was  admitted  each  time  into  the  coach  as  a  fresh 
passenger,  to  the  astonishment  and  admiration  of  Preville. 
Garrick  stepped  out  a  third  time,  and,  addressing  himself 
to  the  coachman,  was  answered  in  a  surly  tone,  "  that  he 
had  already  got  his  complement,"  and  was  about  to  drive  off 
without  him,  when  I'reville  cried  out,  "  Let  the  stranger  in  : 
he  is  a  small  man,  and  we  can  accommodate  him  without 
discommoding  ourselves." 

This  plea  i)rc vailed,  and  Garrick  was  permitted  to  enter 
the  coach. 


Boswell,  dining  one  day  with  Dr.  Johnson,  asked  him  if 
he  did  not  think  that  a  good  cot;k  was  more  essential  to  the 
community  than  a  good  poet. 

*'  I  don't  suj>[)o.se,"  said  the  doctor,  "  that  there's  a  dog  in 
the  town  but  what  thinks  so." 


M.  Lalan<h',  the  French  astronomer,  during  the  whole 
time  of  the  Itevolution  confined  himself  to  the  study  of  his 
favorite  seience.  When  he  found  he  had  cHcaix'd  the  fury 
of  llobeHi»i<Tre,  ho  jocosely  said,  "  1  may  thank  my  stars 
for  my  safety." 


346  MIRTHFULNESS. 

A  witness  in  court  spoke  in  a  very  loud  and  harsh  voice, 
and  the  lawyer  employed  on  the  other  side  exclaimed, 
"Fellow,  why  dost  thou  bark  so  furiously  ?  " 

"  Because,"  replied  the  rustic,  "  I  think  I  see  a  thief." 

An  author  was  reading  some  bad  verses  to  a  friend  in  a 
very  cold  apartment,  when  the  latter,  shivermg,  cried  out, 
"  You  must  either  put  fire  in  your  verses,  or  your  verses  in 
the  fire,  if  you  wish  to  prevent  my  freezing." 


Several  of  the  British  dames  are  very  fond  of  the  Trafal- 
gar garter,  on  which  is  inscribed  the  memorable  signal, 
"  England  expects  every  man  to  do  his  duty." 


Two  gentlemen  discoursing  in  a  public  company,  one  of 
them  observed  that  the  disorder  of  the  king's-evil  was  very 
uncommon  in  this  country. 

"  True,"  replied  the  other  :  "  the  ki7ig^s  evil  seldom  rages 
in  a  republican  government." 


A  Yankee,  according  to  the  poet  Saxe,  is  a  driving  young 

man  :  — 

"  He  sees  aqueducts  in  bubbling  springs, 
Buildings  in  stone,  and  cash  in  every  thing." 


A  physician  who  carries  a  merry  physiognomy  into  the 
sick-room,  and  among  chronic,  nervous,  and  hypochondriac 
people,  does  much  more  to  efi'ect  cures  by  his  warm,  hearty 
laugh,  and  joyous  face,  than  by  his  medicines. 


An  Athenian  (as  was  customary  with  that  people)  had 
caused  the  following  inscription  to  be  placed  over  the  door 
of  his  house  :  — 

"  Let  nothing  enter  here  but  what  is  good." 

Diogenes  asked,  "  Then  where  will  the  master  go  in  ?  " 


ADDRESS.  347 


ADDRESS.     ■ 

Havixo  completed  my  book,  I  send  it  forth  among  the 
millions  tto  w»rk  its  way  to  public  favor.  I  ask  for  it  a 
general  circulation,  with  the  hope  that  it  may  contribute 
largely  to  the  rational  enjoyment  of  the  people.  With 
great  labor  I  have  collected  a  very  large  variet}-  of  witty 
and  humorous  sayings,  of  anecdotes  and  pleasantries,  free 
from  those  objectionable  features  which  have  too  often 
belonged  to  the  exciters  of  mirthfulness.  I  have  endeav- 
ored to  exclude  from  this  collection  every  thing  that  would 
tend  to  demoralize  or  even  offend  the  taste  of  the  virtuous 
and  the  good.  I  think  I  have  succeeded  in  making  a  col- 
lection of  rational  exciters  of  that  human  faculty  wliiih 
helps  distinguish  man  from  the  lower  grades  of  animals, 
and,  in  its  appropriate  exercise,  tends  strongly  to  promote 
his  health  and  hapi)iness.  I  sincerely  hope  that  some  con- 
scientious persons,  who,  through  incorrect  views  of  spiritual 
Christianity,  hav«  thought  it  wrong  to  laugh,  will  have 
their  views  corrected  by  my  essay  ;  and  that  the  same  per- 
sons will  find  profitable  amusement  and  rational  enjoy- 
ment in  the  occasional  reading  of  my  innocent  promoters 
of  laughter.  I  think  my  book  will  fill  a  niche  that  lias 
never  been  j»ropcrly  filled,  and  will  supply  a  di-mand  felt 
by  a  large  number  of  persons.  I  liave  long  felt  this  de- 
mand myself,  and  have  heard  many  others  express  the  same 
feelings.  I  h<^)e  my  lKX)k  will  do  good,  as  a  medicini-,  by 
exterminating  the  blues,  and  making  those  cheerful  ;inil 
happy  who  might  otherwise  bo  sad,  and  even  wretched. 
I  do  not  claim  for  it  the  most  exall<'<l  agency,  and  y<'t  I 
claim  for  it  an  important  agency.  If  pniperly  used,  it  will 
benefit  ihe  user.  It  is  not  designed,  like  many  other  books, 
to  tax  the   energiea  of  the  mind,  and   to   impose    labn-  on 


348  MIRTHFULNESS. 

those  who  peruse  it.  Its  design  is  to  impart  rest  to  the 
weary  by  rationally  exciting  their  mirthfulness,  and  afford- 
ing them  rational  enjoyment.  Its  design  is  also  to  meet 
the  demands  of  the  mirthful  for  fun,  without  inflicting  upon 
them  moral  injury.  To  what  extent  I  have  accomplished 
my  purpose,  which  must  be  regarded  laudable  by  all  reason- 
able persons,  my  readers  must  he  the  judges ;  to  whom  I 
submit  the  book. 


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